You don’t have to fake it.
This is kind of a pissy little post but I’m a pissy sort of person so nobody should be too shocked.
Why do you suppose people who are involved in long-distance or online relationships will type a post in a manner that insinuates that the other party is there with them?
For instance, when detailing a scene or a punishment it’s all “He landed the first stroke directly across my ass”, “Master took pleasure in taunting my body” or “I get chills when He touches me” when the guy is halfway across the world.
These are the same people who hotly defend the notion that online is just as real as in person (and I’m not trying to start up that debate again!) but if they honestly believe that, why the disingenuous wording? Seriously, I was reading one blog for weeks before I figured out that they were online only. She never once said it. Every interaction was written in a way that implied they were physically interacting with each other, even to the point of somehow “finding herself being bent over and penetrated” after a bath.
Well, no you didn’t. You didn’t *find* yourself suddenly bent over and penetrated. You got a dildo and you bent yourself over and you penetrated yourself. There was no element of surprise there, ffs.
I just don’t get it. How can they expect to have other people accept their relationship as “real” if they themselves can’t even present it in it’s reality? I don’t CARE if it’s long distance or online, I’d still read it if the writing is worth reading, but, sheesh, honesty man!
So – why? why do they this?
It makes me want to pinch them on the back of the arm in that really tender spot.
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday January 13th, 2009 9:00am
*snicker*
i agree.
IMO-i think they write it that way to add to the fantasy. maybe you and i were reading the same blog. when i realized it was an ldr…i was like “say what?”. i don’t care if it is an ldr…i just was confused as to why the author didnt say so from the get go. it is her blog and she can write about whatever…but at least be honest about the dynamic is my thing.
one of my fave blogs is the author’s fantasies and she shares it as such. it still feeds my voyeuristic tendencies as a blog that is written about reality does.
ok im in a long distance and therefore online relationship with my Master – we do meet in r/l not as often as we’d like and it will change in the future – sometimes i feel like he is with me and may write like that however i dont decieve anyone and cant figure out why people would try and write as if they are together when the been apart is the hardest bit.
Ok I’m not one to talk in the whole “chat lingo” but this truly deserves a great big LMAO! Cause I did reading it. Sorry I do not mean it in a way to mock long distance relationships but the fact remains that there is no way they found themselves bent over? Maybe that forgot to type “being told to”??
I agree that there should be some visualization / imagery to the whole long distance thing but try making it more realistic??
LMFAO! I HATE being pinched there! It’s the most evil spot in the world to pinch someone. Go for it!
Seriously though, I’ve nearly stopped reading blogs because it seemed like every other week a blog I thought was really something (meaning it was hot and tortured enough to seem real enough that it made me pissy that I didn’t have THAT in my life anymore) turned out to be a fraud and I just couldn’t take it any more. Don’t know why there seem to be so many attention hungry people who can’t find something interesting enough to say without perpetrating a huge lie or being completely misleading. UGH. Oh well though. They were hot reads most of the time. LOL Can’t really complain about having masturbatory material, but I could have done without the fake emotional drama because I have enough of the real shit. LMAO
I prefer to bite that spot on the back of the arm.
Actually, I just bite anywhere.
As a person in three polyamorous, online only relationships. I have to say that yes, they are real. However, I totally agree that they aren’t the same. I won’t ever say that one of my loves is doing something to me, just because they say it in chat. And I would love it if I was physically with them for them to do things to me. Unfortunatly, due to financial constraints I can’t at the moment.
I say that the relationships are real though, because it’s still other people on the other end of the computer. They’re telling me their thoughts, ideas, hopes and dreams.
I’m painfully aware that anything they want me to do I have to do to myself. But I do it because I love them and because one day, it WILL be them doing things to me.
Well, that’s just my thoughts on the subject. Feel free to believe what you want to, I’ll keep believing what I do untill I get a good reason to change it.
Dear Robyn,
In a long distance relationship myself the phone sex is pretty hot, but not the same as when he is in the same room with me with his calloused hands on my skin. It is a real relationship between two people who just happen to live 636.7 miles apart for the next year until we both finish school.
What Kaya is saying is that this other person represented her relationship incorrectly. It may ‘feel’ like her master is right there, but the reality of the situation is he’s not. This other writer misrepresented her relationship, which is what the complaint is about.
In Colder News: I think you sent the snow my way, Kaya. Take it back! For the love of bob, take it back!!!
Sincerely,
Ally
It is a balmy -15 here. Too cold to snow. *beams* And no! You keep it!
Robyn – none of this was about whether or not an online relationship is real. It’s about why one who is in an online relationship, who believes it is real, presents it in a fictitious manner. *shrug* Makes no sense to me whatsoever.
Sorry I guess I misunderstood about that part. But I still agree with you about not representing it in a fictitious manner.
i am over here snickering with Carrie Ann – and i agree pinch away..
When i read those blogs.. i always wonder how they can flog / cane themselves and have it actually hurt as much as if someone else was holding the cane/flogger… i often think i would love to see them go a session or two with Sir…… but i am being bitchy and catty so shut my mouth !!!
morningstar (owned by Warren)
I don’t believe they can possibly cane/flog/whatever causing the same degree of pain as someone else can. It’s like trying to tickle yourself. When you’re in control of it the effect is completely differently. There’s psychological research that proves that self-administered pain, even when controlled to be exactly equal in intensity to pain administered by someone else, hurts LESS. (This experiment was done with electric shock.) Having control over pain changes how your brain perceives it and what pain signals are received. Interesting huh?
Kaya,
I don’t know why people do that. Like you, I get a buzz from reading fantasies and from reading about real life, so there’s no real motivation that I can see as to why it’s done. I suspect, however, that’s it’s closely related to the fact (as repaorted by a WOW fanatic) that 80% of all WOW characters are female while 80% of WOW players are male.
That said, I have, in the past (early 90′s), been such a person; one who represented something about himself that was just plain false. In fact, I did even worse and lied about who I was, not about what I did. I hurt a lot of feelings when the truth came out and lost the trust of a lot of people that I’ll probably never get back. Why did I do it? I was desperate for the lie to be true; I didn’t like myself much back then. That’s the reason I make no real attempt to hide my identity online (using dweaver999 and signing as Dave) and I don’t use a pseudonym in my writing. Suffice it to say that I’ve learned my lesson. So while I would be just as disappointed to make the discovery you did, I guess I’m a glass houses guy in that respect.
Dave
PS Before anyone asks, I joined an online BDSM community claiming to be a woman named Janet Wilson.
May I be curious (and hijack your comment a bit, sorry) and ask what you mean when you say that you wished for the fantasy to be true? Did you mean because you’re submissive (not sure if that’s the case) and felt that was more feminine, or do you wish to be a woman? If that’s something you still wish for, there are ways to get what you want.
(For the record, I’m an advocate of the GLBT community and a partner of a transman, so I’m totally supportive, if a little nosy. Hope I don’t come across as…anything terrible.)
TakenbyLovely,
No, not at all. I wanted to be a submissive woman. I have no desire to bring it about for real now, though when I fantasize submissively, it’s as a woman and when I fantasize dominantly, it’s as a man. It’s kind of weird, actually. I suspect that’s part of why I can write from the submissive point of view so well, as well as from the dominant side. The only point of view I can’t envision to any degree is that of a submissive man.
Dave
I am actually involved, at this exact second, in a conversation about gender fluidity on a community on LJ (in regards to children, mostly, as in “how can I teach my children that there’s more of a gender spectrum than a gender binary”) and someone kind of compared it to BDSM in that there’s essentially those that are tops of some sort, those that are bottoms (and those that play in between)…breaking it down a bit, as well.
At the same time, I’m reading Destiny and her pet chance…chance is a male-bodied, but extremely feminine pet.
It’s all fascinating to me. All I hope for, though, is that you are comfortable with whatever you may be. *Hugs*
TakenbyLove,
Yes, I’m comfortable with who I am now. Mostly because I’ve realized that being a man and/or a dominant doesn’t mean being my dad. I think the secret to this whole gender thing is to realize that one can have aspects of both “roles” (if that’s the best term) regardless of the physical body one is gifted with. It used to confuse me that I was so different from what I’d been taught (both directly and indirectly) a man is. Now I ca look back and see that I was tuaght a very narrow and mysogenist view of maleness. Live and learn, always.
Dave
You know? 100% of the blogs in question are written by females. I don’t think I have ever come across a LD blog written by the Dom (or male) who presents in that disingenous manner.
Kaya,
I didn’t know that. Kind of a mystery why if breaks like that. It’s certainly not like women have a monoploy on deception (intentional or otherwise). I do wonder what the writers of these blogs would say if asked politely why they do it. This assumes that such a question can be asked without being taken as rude and impolite in today’s overly sensitive world.
Dave
Kaya,
I forgot. Just where is this secret spot on the back of the arm. For writing research, of course.
Dave
The fatty part over the tricep. Get a smallish hunk of skin and pinch and it hurts like a mofo.
Kaya,
If you’re talking about a spot an inch or two below the arm pit on the back of the arm, this might explain something that happened years ago. Someone did pinch me there and seemed shocked at my quizzical look; it didn’t hurt at all and I couldn’t figure out what they were doing. I must be missing a nerve bundle or something. But, I’ll keep this in mind for future reference.
Dave
PS I also don’t get sore from flu shots or tetnus shots.
Agreed. Why is that? Sort of like directly banging your shins. Or your ass at the end of a long extended weekend.
I know that tender spot. Man does that hurt.
It makes me want to pinch them on the back of the arm in that really tender spot.
And you say you’re not a sadist!
I’m going to hazard a few guesses:
1. The person is writing the entries from their perspective. In their mind, their dominant was really doing the actions – regardless if reality dictated otherwise.
2. LDR’s, especially among the ‘alternative lifestyle’ crowd, have a stigma attached to them. Many people will automatically count an LDR as not being ‘real’. Who wants to hear that the relationship that has them enthralled is “not real” or anything less than the dreamy thing it is portrayed to be? Who wants to have their relationship invalidated like that? No one.
As Blade points out there is a stigma attached to a long distance relationship. My long distance relationship seems less valid to some because he doesn’t sleep in my bed, or cane me in person. He doesn’t cane me over the phone either for anyone who is interested. Or hasn’t yet. He has found some pretty effective ways of hurting me, that work in a long distance relationship.
Pretty much everything he does to me, he actually has me do to myself. But that creates an odd phrasing, so when we talk about it, as we do endlessly, I will say sometimes that he had me do, and sometimes that he did something to me, tied me, hurt me. And because we do get into the habit of that, and yes because it feeds the fantasy, it may get written that way where other people could read it. Fiction? Fantasy? Wishful thinking? Perhaps.
I do concede that finding herself penetrated goes a bit far. But I will often say to my Dom, “when you did this to me…”
I’m a bit surprised at how smug some people can be, presuming their own is the only legitimate kind of relationship. It takes all kinds folks. And I am very happy with mine, and it sounds like you folks are with yours.
sin
Asking for honesty isn’t smug.
Sheesh.
“The person is writing the entries from their perspective”
Then they should say so at some point in a blog. Maybe not that entry, but at some point. To go on for weeks/months/years writing specifically and only in that style is dishonest. They know perfectly well that they are giving people the wrong impression, they do not/will not correct it, and I find it to be insulting actually. I hate liars, fakes and cheats.
“Who wants to hear that the relationship that has them enthralled is “not real”
If they don’t want to hear that, then don’t be a dishonest turd. If it’s real, present it as it is. Present the reality. How dare they get all offended when someone insinuates it’s not real when they themselves can’t seem to be honest about it. THEY don’t think it’s real if they have to hide behind bullshit, creative wording.
“It makes me want to pinch them on the back of the arm in that really tender spot.”
Mwhahahahah!
Thank You Blade.
rosie
Aww, I actually do think this is harsh. I mean… hassle someone who’s claiming to be something they’re not, by all means call people on being dickheads, challenge stupid opinions, but don’t pick on people who have often genuinely found love in a difficult situation and write about it as if they were experiencing it physically. Sometimes it’s a coping mechanism, sometimes it’s just how they like to do it. Sometimes it’s someone being a cocksmoker, but I think more often it people honestly trying to connect.
S’not really other people’s place to comment harshly in this circumstance I don’t think.
xx milla
To quote the Smiths ‘It’s so easy to laugh, it’s so easy to hate. It takes strength to be gentle and kind’.
To quote Shakespeare ‘honesty is the best policy’.
Agreed!
“hassle someone who’s claiming to be something they’re not,”
Exactly what I’m doing. Someone claiming to have been beaten by their Master when they were beaten by themselves (which, having been my own “sadist” before is a far cry different) is lying. Is presenting themselves as something they are not.
I never once challenged her love. I never once said it wasn’t real. I said the writing style is disingenous and if SHE believes her relationship to be valid and real then why is she presenting it as something it is not. I question HER own belief in it if she can’t show it honestly. I imagine she’s ashamed of it. If she isn’t, she should be aware that she’s presenting it as if she is.
Ok, then I agree with you. Generalities/specifics suck. We never know which one is which, haha.
I do always appreciate your honesty.
xx milla
Rofl that spot bloody hurts like an mf!
It’s your blog, and I like your bluntness. If people are into LDR, great, but write it in truth rather than bullshit stories. I like reading “real” blogs be they LDR or real time. Either way I don’t like reading fairy tales. x
I have a different take on it. I kinda don’t “get” online relationships, but my theory about them is that some people in them have difficulty separating fantasy from reality–or else, a talent for imagination, depending on how you look at it.
I once encountered had a very odd chat with online who was talking about “herself” in the exact same way that the person you describe was. She claimed to be in an online, LD relationship, and said her master had done these things to her, in a way that was really confusing. (Like, she said he put her in bondage. Then she said that he just told her not to move. Cha.)
It became clear to me as we talked that this person was compulsively lying–both because the things “she” was saying didn’t make sense when taken together, and because she started apologizing for lying to me before I was fully aware that she had. (I’m kinda gullible.)
So what dweaver said made sense to me. There are some people who so very much want reality to be different than it is that they . . . make it up? I don’t necessarily think it’s entirely fake, because as Dave says, when he fantasizes, he fantasizes about being a submissive woman. The person whose blog you are reading may well have fantasies so intense she wants to write about them, and the online thing gives her license in her mind to say that these things “happened”.
I’m not explaining it well but for some people, presenting their relationship in its “reality” means presenting it as it feels to them, as one of the other commentators said.
OMG what a huge fucking pointless comment! Sorry!
I didn’t think it was pointless at all..lol
I don’t think that the issue at hand is anything to do with an LDR, and whether that is real or not. It is the fact that a blog was presented as being written first hand as if there were two sweaty bodies making slippery bits more slippery. And not one alone with the other on the far side of the phone, or skype.
I don’t think it was a condemnation of LDR’s at all. I am in one. Just as Kaya does when her Master is away, I have tasks to perform. Does it make it less real? No. Does it make it less intense? Yeah.. for me it does. Do I pretend otherwise? No.
Each to their own say I.
I can see how this would be irritating but it’s her blog and she can write how and what she’d like. I don’t enjoy people being deceptive either, but they do it whether I like it or not.
In a way it’s like when you read a blog about someone’s personal relationship, and things seem to be going well, and then blam!! everything falls apart in a big messy puddle. Was that person lying or living in a fantasy? Kinda.
I mean they were talking about real things and thoughts and events, but maybe not the important ones. People avoid, at times, discussing the things that they think others might judge.
For the reader, these surprises can feel like a betrayal, I think, and be very disappointing. In a way, we form our own fantasy relationships with the writer, and then can get a rude awakening when all is not as we thought and we’re left thinking “I thought I knew you!”
Heh. I see what you did there.
In my case, actually, there was no deception. No *thing* that wasn’t sharing for fear of judgement from readers. There are always things that are left out merely because to share everything is impossible. When it happened, when things blew up and I headed for the door? No one was more surprised than we were. It wasn’t building up over time, it wasn’t something I brushed under the rug, it wasn’t anything that anyone, least of all me, saw coming and pretended it wasn’t there. It happened as quickly and as surprisingly as it played out right here, exactly as I presented it.
So if you feel like you were deceived, it wasn’t because I, in some way, misled you, which is my bitch here, about people who purposely do mislead.
It is her blog and she can write whatever and however she wants. I’m not at her blog trying to dictate otherwise. I won’t even link her blog because I don’t want anyone here doing that either. She can write in peace. All I asked was why. *shrug*
I wasn’t specifically speaking about your situation, actually, though I know it might come off like that. I was more talking in generalities about blogs and the mind set of those who read them, not even about my own perceptions or reactions. That’s how my mind works.
I’ve been reading a few other people’s blogs lately and trying to figure out if I’d want to do a public blog. I came to the conclusion recently that I wouldn’t be able to be as authentic as I am in my private journal, which, frankly, has plenty of my own self deception going on in it.
So I’m a coward and won’t do a public blog. At least not on relationship topics.
I absolutely adore your blog, as I know many people do. I find you very authentic and willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable in a way that I don’t think I’d be ok with, even anonymously.
All I’m saying is that maybe this other person feels vulnerable exposing those things in the light of day. Like people who only fuck in the dark, or with accent candlelight. The reality can be too painful.
I personally think it’s a little silly, like slashy talk or third person, or capitalizing all the Hims and Hes and such. But like dweaver, I’ve participated in some of those behaviors myself so feel a little uncomfortable getting on my judgmental face other than a wry grin and a shake of my head.
As far as why people are inauthentic or misleading? Fuck, I don’t know. Lots of reasons. They think people will judge them or not like them or they hate themselves and wish they were something else. They want to feel part of something. They want to be cool. Hell, maybe her master even told her to write like that.
Kaya, you make me roar EVERY time LOL … you are SO right on!
As far as what you’re describing, I suspect a good portion of it is denial. I read one blog of an LDR D/s couple where scenes are often written as you describe, but it’s very clear otherwise that they’re D/s and that I don’t think is denial. But to completely write your blog with no mention whatsoever is denial. And I can somewhat understand that if where you want to be is not where you are.
I also think to some extent it may reflect who the person feels they “need” to be to fit in with the online D/s community (this is me assuming that is looking for that sort of community). Unfortunately, they’d probably find everything easier if they stopped worrying and just blogged more accurately, but finding support and community is hard in general and I think sometimes it can feel like you need to be the “right” way to find it.
Relating to that, I think part of it is that it can feel like when people say “it’s not real/the same” [meaning the ability to have a 24/7 D/s relationship long distance] they mean “you can’t be submissive/in love/feel this way”. And certainly some people do mean it that way. I’ve met people who told me that I wasn’t really in a relationship with someone because we were in a LDR, regardless of online or just “conventional” LDR. I think this is starting to change as internet relationships become more accepted and commuter relationships become more necessary, but it’s a hard sort of mindset to break. And I’m not necessarily thinking just about D/s relationships, but vanilla as well (example above was from a vanilla relationship).
Now, I know that you don’t mean it in that way. And certainly I agree with the intensity and the day-to-day ways things work, but I figured I”d explain, too, why people get so defensive over LDRs.
So that’s more than my two cents. I’m not sure how much sense it actually makes (I edited to remove some more personal bits and I think it messed up the flow).
Ok so Im not sure if its nice for me to point and laugh over your shoulder or if its a behaved girl that Master is trying to push me into being but holy hell and AMEN…. this is something I also struggle with and I totally DONT comment on alot of stuff I read on other journals because it just isnt the same. When someone tells me to bend over and be thankful and be a behaved slave like my Master would want and then I find out that they themselves have NEVER ever been in a real life kinky relationship Never had someone irritated weilding a weapon, I mean toy (cough cough) and and stay in perfect position with out having to ever be told twice. It fires me all up to hell and back.
I do have to say cause I to could go on forever I do get a laugh quite often at alot of it. I also get bothered by the dishonesty. I had someone on line that I thought I was a friend with and she used to talk with me for hours about problems her and her Master were having down to how chores were being done in the house and I found out a year later he isnt even in the United States. Just tell it like it is in real life not in her pretty little head.
I so needed this laugh, you always do that at the times I need it LOL. You must have ESP.
hugs babe
tia