“You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.”
Everyone keeps bringing up the insurance. I get that, but at the same time, I’m not sure that’s what I mean.
I’m the beneficiary to Master’s life insurance. So I know I’ll be “taken care of”, financially at least, if something should happen to him. We’re also married, which would give me some amount of protection, by law, should he ever decide to leave.
I almost want to say those are the securities that I trusted him to provide for me. That’s the gamble I took when I sold everything I had, quit my job and entered this relationship.
He ensures that we have health insurance, homeowners insurance, automobile insurance, life insurance. He’s covered, as much as humanly possible, the bases of the unpredictable.
His asking me to leave the workforce was a big deal. I had my kids to consider, as well as my own self. I had all of the what-ifs to think about, too. It was a crossroads in our relationship. I could have said “look, I understand you want to take this relationship to another level, but I have to worry about our future (and by “our” I mean mine and my kids, away from your’s) so I’m sorry, but I cannot quit my job.” Which, to me, loosely translates into ‘I dont trust you to provide for our future so I’m keeping control of that, thank-you-very-much’. Or I could have, and did, say, “this is a big scary step and I may struggle with it some but I trust you. Implicitly.”
The same thing with the isolation. I could have fought it. I could have stated that I was not going to alienate myself from my friends or family because I needed to maintain that support system based on a what-if, which would have, without a doubt, been a seriously fatal blow to our relationship. Or.. I have faith. I trust that he knows what he’s doing, that he’s not going to shape me into something that he doesn’t want and then abandon me. And that if he does find out this isn’t going as he wanted/expected, he’ll take the necessary slow steps to reverse it or change it or fix it.
And he did do exactly that. He spent months, literally, pulling me back from a place where he had led me and then decided it wasn’t the healthiest place to be right then. How would that have worked if I had not “gone” there in the first place?
You can’t refuse to do it based on a what-if and then still tell me that you’re building a successful relationship! That makes no sense to me at all. You’d ruled by fear more than by your Dom, wouldn’t you?
What if it were reversed. What if, during the course of your relationship, you knew that your Dom had another slave waiting in the wings? Someone for him to “fall back on” should you not work out. His “submissive safety net”. To me it would be devastating, it would show an extreme lack of faith toward me from him, and it would without a doubt doom the relationship to failure. On that same note, if I had kept ahold of my own safety net, whether it was money, a friend, my job, or whatever… I just cannot see how that would have worked.
Obviously I can only come at this from my own personal angle. I do understand the “once burned, twice shy” aspect. Probably, if I had already been through an abandonment/death that left me unprepared and in a tough spot, I’d be preaching a different story. I suppose ‘prudence’ would be the name of my game instead of ‘faith’.
“if you plan for the end, you’re securing the end”
Maybe it’s more accurate to say that if you’re expecting the end, if you’re keeping your safety net because you believe the end will come – then the end will come. A self-fulfilling prophecy?
I don’t know. I just cannot see how keeping your safety net brings anything positive to the table. And it’s not a matter of sticking my head in the sand and thinking we’re above those tragedies. It’s just that I believe that he’s got the tragedies covered.
He’s prepared our safety net. I don’t need to make my own. Making my own communicates an extreme lack of faith in his. Extreme.
Gah. I should stick with posting porn..lol
~cunt
LikeTags: M/s rambles
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Sunday April 20th, 2008 7:00am
No you shouldn’t. Although the porn is a treat :-D
:-*
I love your blog. I love that you post stories/pics of your sexcapades and that you also write thought provoking posts that make people think. Just my opinion, but it’s a good combo of both. *smiles*
Being a newbie, all that you write helps me so much. Master allows rose to read just two blog’s and your’s is her first pick. thank you for your honestly about being with a dom/master.
“How would that have worked if I had not “gone” there in the first place?”
HELLO! exactly….you don’t know if something will work or not unless you try it…
I truly wish I could supply My slave what your Master has done for your future :-(
Sir,
Owner of morningstar
I do see your point about how planning for the end can bring it about. Here’s the one thing though that you might not have thought about. You are trusting the man you know and love. In my case, my entirely trustworthy husband developed a progressive neurodegenerative disorder and became someone else. I had to leave him for my own safety and I was glad there was a safety net in place for me.
“if you plan for the end, you’re securing the end”
The other way to put it is “Waiting for the other shoe to drop…” and if you do that, the other shoe is, absolutely, going to hit the floor — hard!
Trust is so hard. It’s taken me so long to really start “getting it” with my Master.
But I must say that when I read your words about it, kaya dear, you transmogrify it into this shining, crystalline thing. That’s not to say it’s easy for you — because you are very open about how it hasn’t been — but your stright-forward writing style is the perfect thing to show off how beautiful trust can be.
Ahh, I want to be you when I grow up! *grin* That’s how I feel because I know a safety net would also translate into “escape route” in my mind. ‘Gotta hold something back just in case…’ It would sabotage the kind of absolute that I need. So, I totally see where you are coming from on this one.
Kaya,
I suspect that this is another of those “no one is right” things. As I was reading this post, I had a flash to the idea of prenuptuial agreements. Those have, to me, been just asking for the marriage to end. They signal to the spouse that you’re going into the marriage with the belief that it can’t end any way but badly.
I guess there’s two types of preparing for the worst. Surely no one will argue that wearing seat belts or buying fire insurance causes accidents and fires. That’s the kind of preparations that I was talking about in my last responce, at least that’s the spirit I was talking in. Yet, in an M/s relationship, there’s a psychological equivalent of the prenup. Just as marriage is a big leap from living together both in terms of connections between the individuals and the depth of the relationship, so Master/slave can be a leap from other D/s relationships.
When the M/s couple want that depth of submission that goes “betond the pale” as it were, there is a need for greater trust that is as great as the difference between marriage and seeing one another. I can see how those phychological/social safety nets many of us talked about would keep that from happening. I can imagine couples seeking that intensity of Master and slave even deciding that marriage, with it’s built in protections, getting inn the way. So, yes, you have a very good point. You can over prepare in some ways. In the normal world, there are lots of things we don’t take precautions against because to do so would destroy our quality of life. I don’t walk around with a bullet proof vest on. I don’t wear a gas mask all the time in case of a terrorist attack. I don’t react with hostility every time a stranger gets close to me. If I did these things, I wouldn’t be living, I’d be existing. I can see how if a slave tries to prepare for the “inevitablity” of abandonment, then she will actually be abandoning her Master without ever walking out the door.
I guess each person has to make their own call. Prepare to the level that doesn’t deny trust, that doesn’t cross the line from living to existing. Skydivers don’t wear an infinite number of chutes. Mothers eventually let their children leave the house on their own. Birds have to step out of the nest to fly. Even in non M/s BDSM, some play with things others don’t, such as breath play and blood sports. The entire dynamic of BDSM is letting the dominant have the control and riding the wave of trust. The only inevitability is that someone out there will fall, just like someone will have a heart attack, since we’re only human. We all hope it won’t be us or those we know and need to remember that the inevitability of “someone will” is NOT the same as the inevitability of “we will.”
Dave
Kaya,
Why should you stick to the porn? I love it when you do these deep posts. :-) It makes a person think, and you are very good at that. You are a highly intelligent woman and I love it when you do posts like this. And just for the record, I also believe that if you plan for the end it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Gods know that I have been hurt and had relationships end where I’ve had nothing… but if you do live in fear, as you’ve said, you can’t enjoy the here and now. And if you only focus on the negative aspects you can’t see the positive because its been blackened out by your own devices.
As Libby pointed out there can be many many reasons for M/s relationships ending… i realise that most of the commenters here are from the slave side of the equation…i just wanted to ask what you think about a slightly different set of circumstances…What if the slave can no longer serve? Does the Master have the responsibility to ensure the slave is appropriately cared for if she gets sick and cannot fulfil her duties ever again? or is he able to turn her loose? And what of the Master who has had a devoted slave, trained over many years to his requirements and SHE dies first? Kinda makes me think of elderly men i nursed whose wives had done everything for them, then when the wife died the guy was all at sea: couldn’t cook, work the washing machine etc… i guess a Master would just get another slave huh? But what if the M/s love bond was as strong for him as it is for you slavegirls to your Masters? Just interested to know what you think, don’t wanna offend anyone or anything.
sorry for essay-length comment kaya, but you write such thought-provoking posts! :)
kaya It must be wonderful to be in such a close caring responsible relationship while at the same time taking your pain, often extreme, which you enjoy
When our Babe was born, we were bombarded with all kinds of insurance policy offers. Most we just chucked since we had already set up policies, but one I found incredibly interesting. It was about the insurance policy covering a stay-at-home parent. On average, if all the daily tasks are totaled up, a SAHP credits the household with US$70,000 a year. That is approximately how much it would cost to hire a cleaning service, cook, laundry services, child care, etc.
In that light, it’s nearly double my highest salary AND we ensure that our child is reared with our values and the house is managed well.
The only reason I mention this is because the typical mistake is to ensure the working person in the household and undervalue the SAH. That is the only reason I would have to question the insurance decisions…if something were to happen to YOU, now or later, weirdgirl is right…you don’t want your Master to be up a creek without you.
As I contemplate adding a submissive to our household, part of what we will do for him is give him some security, because while I have the security of marriage, as does my husband, we can’t give him that legally. What we can do is put enough money in the bank with his name on the account that if the two of us die in a car wreck he can in fact have something to go on with life with. Given that he has to work anyway, this isn’t difficult to do. But I’m doing this whether or not he wants to. For all my love and trust in my husband, I signed a premarital agreement too.
I admire your trust. I hope it is never broken.
This was a super recount of the things that you and your Master deal with.
I’m thrilled that you two have a way of working things out :)
“Maybe it’s more accurate to say that if you’re expecting the end, if you’re keeping your safety net because you believe the end will come – then the end will come.”
This.
If you go into something thinking “Hey, this is great for the time, but man, it’s gonna crash and burn hard in a few years!”, then that attitude is going to subconsciously come through in how you treat the relationship, and chances are, things will crash and burn.
However, if your perspective boils down to “I love this relationship, but man, if I die in a horrible accident (or if my lover dies in a horrible accident), we’d better make sure the survivor is cared for.”, then it’s entirely different.
Both trains of thought can lead to the same actions being taken (life insurance, pre-nups, all that type of thing). But each train of thought will have an entirely different impact on the relationship–the first one is devastating, whereas the second one is probably a lot more healthy.
It’s one thing to be prepared for bad things which might happen in the future. It’s another thing entirely to be stockpiling resources for when everything goes to shit because you “know” that it’s going to go to shit because nothing ever works out ever ever ever, also, your lover is probably not going to be so awesome in five years.
Due to the fact that I keep wanting to slip into lolspeak, I’m going to stop writing and go to bed.
I think what you’re doing well is differentiating between severals types of safety nets.
Insurance is a material safety net.
I’m not really sure how to describe the other ones because I’m seeing them as both types of emotional safety nets. There’s the safety net that’s “this relationship is going to fail” which leads to either Master/Dam or slave/sub not giving it his or her all (I had a relationship that failed mainly because my Dom kept expecting that I would leave her. Guess what? I left her because her lack of confidence was hurting both our D/s relationship and our love relationship).
There’s a separate type of safety net, though, that I think needs to be addressed which is the safety net that recognizes that eventually everyone does die and that someone will be left behind in most cases. I’m not sure if this is a safety net that also needs to be thrown away in M/s relationships or even if it’s a safety net that we can consciously throw away. I feel like it’s part of a survival instinct that keeps people from committing suicide when their partners die. I’m also not sure it actually has anything to do with actually being able to function. I think it may be the innate safety net of having the ability to learn how to function in such circumstances whether we could before or not.
Kaya,
You stated, “The same thing with the isolation. I could have fought it. I could have stated that I was not going to alienate myself from my friends or family because I needed to maintain that support system based on a what-if, which would have, without a doubt, been a seriously fatal blow to our relationship. Or.. I have faith. I trust that he knows what he’s doing, that he’s not going to shape me into something that he doesn’t want and then abandon me.”
Two things, people get abandoned everyday, it is an unfortunate fact of life – but true. You can only do what you feel is best for your relationship but be honest and informed. Forget the death stuff, people sometimes just change their minds.
Secondly, your friends and family who have invested a lifetime of love in you seem to mean nothing in this little equation. I understand again, wanting to please him. However, all of my life I have marveled at women who drop everything for a man. And, I understand him wanting your focus and commitment but I do not admire men who strip women of every previous relationship, not just the toxic ones, to maximize their dependency. I value the women who have stood by me through thick and thin too much to discard them in this manner. You, quite selfishly I might add, point out that you may need their support in the future. What if they needed you? Their investment in relationship with you is devalued and diminished but if it makes you feel better while being whipped, oh well.
I do not throw people away like this, it is simply wrong.
k
And, quite honestly, that’s the personal choice I made when I chose to become His. What you think about it means nothing.
I don’t quite understand the reasoning behind comments like yours. Do you think I’m going to suddenly “see the light” and set about mending the errors of my ways? I don’t need fixed, I don’t need enlightened, I don’t need people to judge my choices.
This is an M/s blog. It’s about my M/s life. It contains details of my M/s life. Read it or don’t, but at least understand the content and stop acting shocked when I post the intricate aspects of what my M/s life is.
You go ahead and live your life however you want to. I promise I won’t bash, insult, criticize or judge your choices. I only ask the same from you. If you can’t handle that, move on to a blog that’s more to your liking.
Nope, I don’t expect you to see the light and change the errors of your ways. That is not the point of the comment.
Like many women in M/s relationships there is this sense of superiority, of doing it right, and earning more care and concern because you are loyal. That implies that there was something your friend whose Master left her did wrong. She didn’t, he did and just like it happened to her, it could happen to you, it could happen to anyone. That is the point of the comment. It is not an admirable quality to purposely decide to be vulnerable, abdicate responsibility for yourself and hang it one the hook of ‘I trust, therefore I am’.
In a lifestyle laden with ritual and symbolism it was most telling that your friend could only find one ceremony for removing a collar. That was sad. Submissive is not a euphemism for victim, it is not disloyal to be cognizant that life can change. Whether you make plans for those changes or not is a choice but it is dishonest to imply that you have discovered an elixer to prevent unfortunate change. This is not about bashing, insulting or criticizing, it is an observation.
Where did I ever say that I was immune to being left or abandoned? I’m perfectly aware of the possibilities of these things. I don’t have my head stuck in the sand or think it can’t happen because I’m “special”. But what I choose to do is give this relationship my all based on trust, a trust that may very well leave me totally fucked – but may very well not. It really is a choice to make. You can either choose to persue your dream or choose to play it safe and be governed by the what if’s.
I know plenty of people think this a foolish venture. And I’m sure there are plenty more people just waiting for it to all blow up in my face so they can do the “I told you so!” But I am not going to let the fear of what MIGHT happen dictate how we live or how I obey or whatever.
I am incredibly happy with my life. I’m quite confident that he has me on the right path and I follow his lead with very little hesitation. I’m not surprised that, to you, it comes off as being “superior”. High levels of confidence about what you are doing often do. Do I think I’m doing something more “right” than someone who is holding back?… Maybe. Maybe I do. Maybe I think those who are keeping their safety net are missing out on something profound and amazing. Maybe, just as you want to “warn” me about something I’m already aware of, I want to tell people about what wonderful things lie over the horizon of trusting someone and having faith in their word.
I already know perfectly well that my friend did nothing to facilitate the end of her relationship. I also know that she’ll do it all over again, even knowing the hell that awaits a possible break up. You want to know what an admirable quality is in a slave? It IS purposely deciding to be vulnerable, handing over control on the hook of ‘I trust him enough to guide me. Completely.’ Anything less than that is.. a sham. Playing. Fear. You either are, or you are not. And you either accept the consequences if and when they come, as my friend did, as I may have to, or you are too scared to play and it’s time to go home.
“Submissive is not a euphemism for victim”
You’re darn tootin’ it isn’t. And you won’t find me playing the victim card should I ever be abandoned either. I’ve had this conversation several times already. I have little respect for people who, freshly dumped out of an M/s relationship, are playing the poor abused victim when yesterday it was all blow jobs, butt sex, and happy spankings. But I don’t think I need to have a fall-back plan in order to remove “victim” from my resume. I can actually be fully aware of the risks and do it anyway. It might not be your way to do things, but it is mine.
Kaya,
There’s a story that is sometimes told by Christian pastors. I famous high wire artist gave a demo at Niagra falls (this my be appocraphal). He filled a wheel barrow with 150 pounds of rocks and wheeled it across the falls on the sire, and then back. The crowd was amazed. he asked, “How many believe that I could wheel 150 pounds across and back again?” Everyone raised their hands. “How many are willing to be the 150 pounds?” All the hands went down. The pint of the story is that there is a difference between belief and faith.
I’m pretty sure that everyone goes into most relationships believing that they will last, that there will be no abandonment. Those that create and maintain those societal safety nets have belief, but not the faith that this story talks about. That’s not to say that any particular level of belief/faith is better than the other, but, as a Christian who hopes he has that second level of faith in his God, there is an immense comfort in just having that much trust in someone. Could I be diastrously wrong about my faith and God not exist? I suppose so, but I CHOOSE to ignore that possibility, because for me to take it seriously is to make me a lesser person in MY eyes.
While I don’t want to put words into your mouth, I suspect you are coming from a similar line of thought with regards to your Master. Could he leave you? Sure, but you choose to ignore that possiblity, because to give it credence would make you not you, if you get my drift. I can respect both sides of the issue (hell, I’ve posted both sides!). Everyone has to be true to themselves. If that means a safety net, then have one. If that means fully trusting, then do so. Most importantly, let one another be themsleves without condemnation (are you listening ktzmiao?). This is not to say that you shouldn’t talk to someone you care about to try to make sure they know what they’re doing when you’re worried, but I can’t make anyone be what or who they’re not.
Oh well, I should be used to being longwinded by now. Enjoy.
Dave
I am used to you being long-winded and I’m incredibly grateful to you for being so. You always have something so profound and wonderful to say that it very often leaves me speechless in agreement, and it’s darn ridiculous to keep typing *nod nod nod* in response to your comments!
I’m continuously astounded that you are not intricately involved in a personal bdsm relationship yourself, as you just seem to “get it” in ways that some people who ARE involved do not.
I’m grateful to have you for a reader and a frequent commenter. I don’t say that often enough. Thank you.