What’s Happenin’?
Today is Master’s birthday. Happy birthday! I have to go to the store to get the fixin’s for his favorite dish (lasagna) and to make a cake. Or maybe I’ll buy a cake. Bakery cakes are so much yummier than Betty Crocker. I have a present for him and a card and fun! Tomorrow night we’re going to a comedy show with some peeps.
I hope I get spanked! Maybe a Birthday Blowjob can be worked in there somewhere too.
It seems kind of ridiculous for me to “offer” a birthday blowjob when he can get a blowjob any ol’ time he wants one, though. It’s like offering an m&m to someone who owns a candy store. :/
Oooooh.. maybe if I smother his cock in frosting and poke a candle in it?
*snicker* Can you imagine the look on his face if I stuffed a birthday candle down his cock?
Okay. Enough of that. These kind of thoughts don’t usually bode well for me. ;-)
I’ve been busy here. Staying out of trouble….. mostly.
I’ve been working on some kinky craft orders. Getting them sent out soon. I’m still selling them if anyone is wondering. Just zip me off an email (kaya at underhishand). Same goes for the clips on a cd, too.
We’ve been remodeling an upstairs bedroom, we have a new dog, the kids never leave the house anymore, I’m struggling with a deep NEED for pain but it’s hiding behind an intense FEAR of pain. The usual stuff. ;)
Master and I got into a little spat Sunday evening. Part of it was pms-fueled, but even at that, I felt like we both handled it all pretty decently. Whereas in the past we might have continued to poke at each other, to fan the flames into a huge blow out, we didn’t do that this time.
I’ve been working on this issue specifically. How to handle being angry with the All-Powerful Owner. It’s such a futile gesture, this business of being angry with him, one that would have me spinning my wheels in frustration. Frustration that heightened the angry emotions, communication would break down, submission took a flying leap out the window, words would be said, accusations, hurt feelings… the works.
In the past, I used being angry as a punishment to those around me. In other relationships, there was a price to pay for pissing me off. And I don’t mean getting pissed off because the cap was left off the toothpaste or some silly shit like that… but really important issues, things that were big to me. If someone (a partner) crossed that line, I’d get mad. And I’d stay mad for.. days. Days upon days upon days.
I can be a bitch (I know. Hard to believe huh? :D ) and I can be cruel, both with my words and my actions. I’d use that to “punish” the person. The tension in the house would be insanely intense. It takes a lot of energy to “win” that way. Of course my goal was to get them to think twice the next time they were contemplating crossing the line, MY line, and pissing me off again.
Sad thing is, it worked. On them. It does NOT work on Master.
Imagine my surprise.
It was hard though, because I only knew one way to be angry. That way. The way I’d always done it, the way that had always made me the winner.
That approach is not only damaging in a normal, equal relationship, it’s even worse in a power exchange relationship. I was hardly showing off my submissive colors by setting out to “win” an argument with Master.
I’d like to say that once I made the choice to be a slave and to hand over all control, that it was as simple as handing over the tv remote. But it wasn’t. It’s not. It’s been, and will continue to be, an ongoing process as little pieces are plucked, things that I am not even aware that I’m hanging on to, until it smacks me in the face.
Trying to win an argument is a way of trying to have control. Of course it is. You’d think it would be easy to KNOW that. Maybe it is, intellectually. Not so much though, when you’re in the middle of the argument and what you have to do is quiet down.. and submit.
I have to sit back and examine the beginning of the argument. Give up trying to pinpoint where HE went wrong and ask myself with brutal honesty: “where did I go wrong? How could I have handled that better as a submissive? At what point did *I* try to take control?”
To have to swallow my pride, especially if I am (or feel I am) right and justified in my position, to let go of the anger and the self-righteous attitude? Monumentally difficult. At least, it has been for me.
But, it works. In any relationship, finding what works is the key to making it a success. Master isn’t interested in always being right, or in always overruling me. It’s not a matter of him needing to “win” an argument. It’s really just me being submissive. Even when… especially when… it’s difficult. The harder I fight submission, the harder he pushes to get it.
Maybe I could stand there with my arms crossed and eventually, by sheer stubborness, he’d give up and LET me win. Maybe after that I would make a show of submission by mumbling an empty apology for being a bitch before skipping off on my merry, victorious way. And maybe that wouldn’t do permanent, fundamental damage to the core of us.
Maybe. I’ve done it before.
Or, maybe, after several days of clashing of wills, I’d be the one to give in and give up in the face of his stubborness.. and submit.. but not out of any genuine acquiescence. Out of exhaustion perhaps, or defeatism. And maybe that wouldn’t do any permanent damage either.
I’ve done that before, too.
But you know what happens when I check my ‘stubborn’ at the door? When I remember that I’m a submissive and that this man, who I entrusted my life to, is making the decisions and gets to drive?
Well I’ll tell you what you don’t get. You don’t get damage. You don’t get days of tense, exhausting fighting. You don’t have character assassination as each of you try and gain the upper hand. You don’t end up having said anything that you regret or wish you could take back or have to apologize for. You don’t break anything.
You get appeasement. You get compliance. Tractability, servility, humbleness and humility. And appreciation. I get appreciation. I have a Master who was prepared to fight for what is his.. my submission.. and didn’t have to. Because I willingly offered it, at a time when it was -is- the most difficult for me. I still did not “win”…. but I feel like I did. I didn’t get my way, but I got a hug, I got a kiss, I got a happy Master.
A happy Master makes me a happy slave. :-)
~cunt
Tags: anger, birthday, M/s rambles, realizations
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday February 5th, 2008 9:02am
Happy birthday Sir!
Damn, woman! It always feels good to read your posts. Reading your posts is like really good therapy, or a great chat with my best friend! Thanks for sharing all that you do.
Radha
Thanks you so much kaya- this post really hit home for me as it describes many emotions I have been going through (as many have seen in my posts). I have had past relationships where I have known anger to be to ONLY emotion I could show that would be acknowledged. It became an automatic reaction throughout my life, even from my childhood; being raised by a very independent single mother that did not allow emotionless whatsoever. I have really had to work hard at reacting using my submissive manor and thinking long and hard before I react. I have certainly f’d up along the way but it is becoming more of the norm to be calm and think. Master Homis has had to learn ways to punish me that are effective and it has taken a lot from both sides. I would say my anger and emotionless are the hardest obstacles for myself as a person. Becoming a submissive to Master Homis is greatly helping me overcome this. Again thank you for sharing so I see that others struggle as well and feel hope in knowing this is an ongoing learning experience.
~Viemoira
This is something I struggle with (not the birthday, I’ve got nearly 10 months before that happens), but it’s been nice to see someone else say what’s on my mind. You always remind me to journal about something else, and I appreciate it.
-E
Happy Birthday Sir!!
Happy Birthday to your Master! i hope all His birthday wishes come true.
As usual a wonderful post – i’m always so glad i come here and read.
[...] 5, 2008 · No Comments kaya over at underhishand.com has just put up an amazing post about learning to be submissive even when you feel stubborn and angry and rarin’ for a [...]
Kaya, please wish your Master a happy birthday from me.
Love this post, a good lesson for subs as well. :)
Warm hugs,
Paul.
This… I needed this. Right now. In ways I will never, ever, in a hundred million years be able to tell you. You may have just saved me.
This. I. Have. Not. Been. Able. To. Get. By. Myself.
Sigh.
swan
Your post about dealing with anger as a slave struck a cord with me and I want to thank you for writing it. Anger at my Master has been my number 1 stumbling block in my servitude. I also (like many women) want to “win” the fight and punish the person who made me angry to begin with. Like you, this is the only way I’ve known to fight with someone I was in a relationship with. Learning to let go or express myself without the attitude will always be a challenge, but thankfully I am improving. Thanks again and I look forward to reading more of your posts and Happy Birthday to your Master.
Happy birthday to your Master, kaya! And I know what you mean by feeling like offering him something on his birthday (especially when it is sexual) doesn’t feel all that … special… cause he can have it whenever the hell he wants it. But as long as they still enjoy it, right?
Thank you for this post by the way. Beautifully written and something I know we all struggle with, no matter where we are in our relationships. You think I’d know better after damn near 5 years, but still… that pride or that “I wanna win this..” kicks up in my tail every now and again. *sigh*
Happy Birthday to your Master!! :)
LOVED this post!
We’re not even 12 months into our D/s relationship, but I am learning about what you expressed above.
“You don’t break anything” that sums it up beautifully I think.
After a smallish argument yesterday afternoon, after I’d cooled down I asked Master how he wants me to behave in those situations.
“Shut up and keep your mouth shut” he said “Wait a couple of hours until you’ve calmed down, then come and see me and we can discuss it”.
Now just if I can manage that, we’ll see :)
Happy birthday Master of kaya!
I have a fabulous chocolate cake recipe handed down to me through several generations, it’s super easy to make (you just throw everything together and bake), and is the tastiest, moistest cake ever. Let me know if you’d like the recipe! My kids ask for it at every birthday. :)
Hi Kaya, mostly a lurker, I have been a fan for a long time….You said in post you have a new dog….I remember pics of “old dog”..I hope he is still with you….kaye