Victim head vs. Slave head
One day last week, after Master had left for work, I went back into the bedroom, shut the door and let the kids fend for themselves for the morning. Usually in the morning, I cook breakfast, pack lunches, help with hair and makeup, bustle around making sure each one has homework papers and milk money and book bags. I ask if they’ve had enough to eat, if they want more, fuss over them. You know, all of that fun mommy stuff.
I don’t do it because I have to; at their ages they are certainly capable of doing all of that stuff for themselves. In fact, when I was working they DID do that stuff by themselves. But they do want me to do it, like that I do it, and now have a better appreciation for me for doing it. Which was entirely the reason why I didn’t do it that one day last week.
They’d not just stopped appreciating it, they’d gone beyond expectation and far into entitlement, accompanied by indignation and rudeness. I may be the slave around here, but it’s not to them. Best to nip that behavior right in the bud, I think.
When they came home that afternoon and began to complain about the lack of “doing my job” that morning, we had a nice long talk about what my responsibility as a parent is- and is not – and what parts of it I do based soley on what they deserve and earn, as well as what I do because I enjoy it, and how my enjoyment of it is dependent on their response to it. It seems a pretty simple concept that should they label me as a bitch, I damn well better be on my best bitch behavior and earn that label.
Shortly after that day I read the phrase “You’re in victim head…you need to get into slave head.” from Just_W on Fetlife in response to another poster (not me) and about a totally different situation (not mine) , along with the another comment from julietsierra, also from Fetlife, from the same thread that said “I’d also say that the notion of “victim head” is an interesting concept. It implies that you’re owed something, that your trust has earned you something and that if it doesn’t work out the way you perceive it should that somehow your own personal balance sheet is kind of out of balance.” that it occured to me that that is exactly what I was thinking that morning when I deliberately went back to bed and forced myself not to care what, or if, they ate or if they forgot some vital homework page. Because the exchange between myself and the kids *is* based on a system of checks and balances, beyond what it is that I’m required to do as a mom, and it had gotten way off balance. I felt “victimized”; used and taken advantage of.
I do not have to provide a car so they can skip the hour and a half bus ride to and from school. I do not have to provide the three of them with cell phones. I do not have to cook eggs and bacon at 6a.m. or make baloney sandwiches or show them how to put on eye shadow or chase them down when homework papers are left on the table or a hundred other things I could list. And if those things aren’t wanted, appreciated, or needed, there are other things I can do with my time. At their age, it’s not too early for them to understand that the world works this way, based upon a balance sheet and a somewhat even exchange of services.
What I’ve been thinking about since then though, is how the balance sheet simply does not apply to my relationship with Master. Though we do indeed have an “exchange of services”, to put it clinically, it’s not a balanced exchanged. It’s certainly not one where I can refuse to do something based on the notion that He’s not appreciative enough of what I do, all in order to teach Him a lesson.
But that is something He could do. And has done.
It’s also something I have tried to do, tried to rationalize, tried to make my reality. I was stuck in “victim head”, not yet fully understanding or accepting just what it is that my submission meant when it came to detaching myself from the concepts that I had previously lived under for my entire life.
It seemed logical to me for a very long time that if I do A, He then has to do B. And if He does not do B after I have done A, then I get to stop doing A until He does B based soley on the fact that the balance sheet was no longer balanced. I know, though I’m too lazy to go look, that I’ve made several posts on this very concept. The post about “getting paid” comes to mind.
I’m not taking back what I said then, or contradicting myself. I think I very much believed what I wrote then. But I also know that that is not what I believe anymore. All of this is a growth process, just as most everything is. You have to learn to walk before you can run.
I’ve watched now, the balance sheet between Master and I become so far unbalanced that it finally fell apart. And I did not die. The earth did not shake on it’s axis. I have not sunk into a hole of misery and despair. What I sank into was “slave head”.
I’ve realized how much work it was trying to keep that sheet balanced. I’ve discovered how much less stressful my day is when I’m not constantly tallying up my list of A’s against His list of B’s. I’ve found a very deep pleasure in submitting without getting paid, without expectation or want of getting paid. And I’ve found something extremely giddy, something that was previously missing, when I DO get paid. It’s no longer something that I feel I deserve or have earned, something that before I think I felt rather righteously justified in receiving. Submission now feels very pure.
But it wasn’t easy to get here, it really wasn’t. What it looks like from the other side, what I remember it looking like before I let myself get here, was a very bleak, martyr-ish existence. One where I could never be happy again, where I’d be nothing more than a glorified maid-for-free, because after all, if I didn’t stand up for myself and demand that I get what I had coming, who would?? I went into it kicking and screaming. Master is a patient man, but He’s not a saint. Goodness no. He has His limits, and I certainly tested this one.
I wish I could accurately explain the blinding, crippling fear that is so often involved when you have to take these leaps of faith along the M/s path. I am not ashamed of my resistance because I believe it to be an entirely rational fear, worthy of hesitation. Of course I wish I could go back and tell my old self that what’s on the other side is actually pretty good and to stop being such a twit, but really, would I have this amount of joy and appreciation had I not struggled so hard with it?
I see other people I know, friends and enemies alike, still frantically trying to balance the accountant’s sheet. I’m quietly rooting for you.
Tags: M/s rambles
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Wednesday September 17th, 2008 7:15am
I have 2 kids left at home and I am still teaching them “appreciation skills.” If I cook for 1 or 3 it is still the same mess to clean up after dinner so one night I made dinner for “just me.” My boys are supposed to help clean up dinner. The boys (youngest a senior in high school) came in and asked what I was cooking. I said chicken parmigiana using leftover sauce from the previous night. He came back in about an hour later after I had eaten and cleaned up MY mess and said where is the chicken? I said I only made one piece, just for me. The look on their face was astounding. I had threatened to ONLY COOK FOR ME IF I AM THE ONLY ONE CLEANING up and boy did they get my point that night. For now they are really helpful in the kitchen!! So Kaya I applaud you with letting your kids realize how wnderful their mommy is.
I think it’s very important to show children the benefits of “pitching in” and helping the family/household run better.
You’re going to send great kids out into the world someday and that is something to be applauded, kaya!
I enjoyed the “victim head” vs. “slave head” and balance sheet stuff, too. I find myself in “what-have-you-done-for-me-lately” land every now and then and have to snap myself out of it, realizing that if the that balance sheet were truly balanced, it would only make me more upset.
Neat post!
melissa
I really enjoyed this post also Kaya. I recently washed my hands of the homework issues. At the begining of the school year I announced that I would not be nagging, offering my help or even asking about it because it doesn’t do any good and just causes anxiety. Wow, what a difference! Now J (14) says, “Mom, I’m freaking out about all my homework, I have to much to do.” and I reply “Well, don’t do it if you don’t want to, what do you want for dinner?”
Also, I think I’m where you were a while ago with the balance sheet mentality. We have been living together for a year and sometimes I am the picture perfect slave – other times, I am pissed off and walk around pouting like a 5 year old. I hate myself when I look back on it, but at the time I am REALLY REALLY right and feel justified in my behavior.
Oh, I can only hope to grow up and learn to accept my role as gracefully as you do.
hugs – junebug
“I’ve watched now, the balance sheet between Master and I become so far unbalanced that it finally fell apart. And I did not die. The earth did not shake on it’s axis. I have not sunk into a hole of misery and despair. What I sank into was “slave head”.”
Yeah… that. Amazing ain’t it? That it doesn’t make you feel like a doormat or a martyr? For me it’s a contentment and… quietness I’d never experienced before. Pretty cool.
“I’ve realized how much work it was trying to keep that sheet balanced. I’ve discovered how much less stressful my day is when I’m not constantly tallying up my list of A’s against His list of B’s.”
Yes, exactly.
:-*
Kaya,
Great post, one that can be taken far beyond the limited venue that it was derived from. I just finished Debt of Bones by Terry Goodkind and the main character was responding to the question of why he did something he wasn’t abligated to do. His responce was, “Helping is the reward; none other is needed nor better.” It sounds like this is what you’ve realized about your submisison; the submission IS the reward to you. I see fellow teachers who haven’t cleared the balance sheet stage, wanting something tangible fortheir efforts. Some of them can’t understand why I’d stay until 6PM after arriving at 7AM during finals week. They don’t get that teaching isn’t a job, it’s a way of life. Just as you could not be anything other than your Master’s slave, I couldn’t be anything but a teacher. So yeah, I get what you’re saying and where you’re at. It’s a nice place to be, isn’t it?
Of course, not everything in the world can be that way, and it sounds like you’re getting that message through to your kids. It’s one of the harder parts of teaching to convince the students that they don’t deserve an A for trying hard, but for succeeding; no more than they will hold a job by trying–you have to actually do what you’re being paid for. It’ll be so much easier for your kids that they learned this outside the school of hard knocks.
Dave
Great posting!
Right from the beginning M has said ours is an ‘unequal relationship of equals’…..where he gets to expect that his expectations of me will be filled but that mine may not always, or at least not at the time I expect them to be (and certainly not if I ever get into the headspace where he feels I’m demanding that they are).
You are right in saying this is a huge learning curve for most of us. Some of us get there (thankfully), others struggle or eventually give up.
I’ve started to see that if I ever start to slip from ‘slave head’ into ‘victim head’ with him its because I’ve actually allowed the balance sheet I have with other people to slip. The better I get at watching out for that, the happier we both are.
love and hugs xxx
This is an excellent post, Kaya my friend, and I am so happy for your current good space — I know from reading your journal and going through my own version of the issue, how hard the journey to get there is!
As I was reading this, my Master looked over my shoulder and read it, and said to me, “You’ve done really well at that [moving from "victim head" to "slave head] recently!” and kissed me.
Wheeee! So I’m a bit giddy now, since the word from On High is that I done good!
It always bemuses me that we seem to move through the joys and pains of learning to be slaves at the exact same speed. It’s wonderful to know that someone out there is going through pretty much the exact same thing as me!
I hope that you (and, heh, by extension, me!) stay in this good place for as long as possible (before the next thing comes along to trip us up!) and you and Master S get great satisfaction and joy from it!
thanks for writing this post. I needed it. I need the pov from THAT side of the road now and again…ok maybe all the time, but sometimes i am not ready to hear it.
xoxo
holly
It feels comforting to hear another mom voice what I often feel although I must admit that the things you do for your kiddos definitely goes a bit beyond what I do during the week anyway.
I find it interesting how many parents often go so out of their way for their kids and it is overboard to the point where the kids do not learn the realities of life to be capable of surviving on their own. I think it is so important to make them fend for themselves ever so often for this reason alone…let alone you pointing out how easily they become used to s routine and become unappreciative.
Thanks for pointing out the balance sheet regarding your service to your Master as well. That really got me thinking!
~viemoira