Us lesbians have to stick together.
I used to be a lesbian. Or I thought I was. I was so messed up as a teenager about sex and sexuality. My introduction to boys began at age 5 when I officially lost my virginity.
(If I could digress for a moment… Something that has always fascinated me is hearing stories of when someone lost their virginity. Normal stories I mean. Teenagers, with their first love, things like that. I soak up the details, I want to know how it felt, what they thought before, during and after. Was it exciting? Scary? Painful? Of all the many, many things that I wish could have been different about my childhood, it’s that one missed moment that I long for the most.)
Anyway. On with the story, shall we?
When I was 16, I was one confused little girlie. I had met, one year prior, the man who would become my future ex-husband and father of my children. Being a lesbian was the farthest thing from my mind.
And then I met Shannon. She was one year older than I. A lesbian through and through. Oh she was beautiful. I remember the first time she kissed me. How incredibly soft and plump her lips were. It was like drawing a silk scarf across your mouth, slowly, tantalizing. Even her tongue was gentle as it probed into my mouth, cool against the warmth of my lips. I think I fell for her during that first toe-tingling kiss.
She was so much more worldly than I. Not dominate but confident. She led and I followed. She was comfortable with herself and her sexuality. She’d had years to be who she was. I literally became a lesbian in the time it took to finish one sensual kiss.
We spent many, many long sunny afternoons exploring each others bodies. In her waterbed, with her bedroom door locked, we’d spend the day naked, touching, tasting. I was fascinated with her, with her body.
Creamy satiny skin. So indescribably smooth. I could, and did, spend hours just looking at her. Twirling a finger lazily around her nipple while she talked, watching it pucker. She had amazing breasts, large and full and heavy. Perfectly round, brilliantly white, with gorgeous mouth-sized aureoles. That trim and flat tummy that only 17 year old girls possess leading down to a full thatch of pubic hair.
My previous experiences with sex had been nothing like this. It was hidden, tainted. Smothered in shame and fear and pain. She represented purity and acceptance. She built confidence. She touched me, for the first time ever, with honest love.
Up to that point, I’d not done alot of exploring on my own body. Not in a way that I felt good about. Without going into a lot of detail, anything sexual had a dirty and nasty shadow about it. Of course I had masturbated, in the dark, in my room, frightened and trying to hurry and orgasm just so it would be over with and I could deal with the guilt and shame.
But Shannon let me explore her body. She encouraged me, she showed me how. She spread her legs, in broad daylight, and placed my hand over her pussy and held it there. I remember the feel of the crinkly hairs against my palm and then the heat. Surprisingly hot heat and I remember laughing up at her and then laying my head on her inner thigh. I went on a very slow and easy pussy exploration. Stroking the lips, parting them, I was afraid to penetrate her with my finger. I didn’t want to hurt her. She had to promise that she’d stop me if it hurt before I’d try. Almost 20 years ago now and I still remember how tight it was, how hot it was, how velvety it was.
Her own pleasurable trips across my body were just as gentle, just as easy and right and wonderful. She taught me how to orgasm, how to draw it out, how to enjoy it. And when I made her come, I was in awe of how she thoroughly enjoyed it. No shame, no embarrassment, just pure, confident, acceptance of pleasure.
She taught me a lot and she gave me alot. For two years, she stood patiently by my side while I flopped back and forth between her and my future ex-husband. For two years, I broke her heart while she healed mine.
Because the truth is, I’m not a lesbian. And no matter how much wonder she had wrapped up in her soul, no matter how much I loved her, I couldn’t choose her. I knew that I’d be cheating her out of finding the one person that would want her and take her and love her without regret… and that person wasn’t me. I wanted a husband and kids and a Norman Rockwell life. And what she’d shown me was that I could have all of that.
I wanted to remain friends with her. How surprising, huh? Greedy selfish me wants it all. But she couldn’t. She needed to make a clean and final break. I respected that. I haven’t spoken to her since.
I think of her often. My oldest kid’s name is a slight variation of a nickname that she gave me. Shannon used to bathe in all baby powder scented stuff. Soap, lotion, powder. She always smelled like baby powder. All it takes is one whiff and I’m immediately sent back 18 years, to her sun-filled bedroom, lying naked on her bed.
She had an exceptionally huge impact on my life. I’ve wanted to look her up a thousand times, but I’m afraid. Maybe the impact I had on her wasn’t quite as huge. Maybe she won’t even remember me. And what would I say anyway? Maybe I’m best left with the memories.
So what prompted this trip down memory lane? A request from another lesbian woman, for a masturbation video. And I happened to think that it was a lesbian woman who taught me how to masturbate. For without her in my past, I’d maybe never be here right now and without this lesbian woman in the present, I wouldn’t be posting these pictures. See? It all makes sense to me.
Now unfortunately, I don’t have a video. Master’s not here to approve a video and no lesbian anywhere is worth the punishment *that* would bring forth (not even you! *wink) but I can share pictures. So without further ado…
I think I might go do that again. 
~cunt
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Thursday August 10th, 2006 12:03am
you know.. even if you never posted another pic again, told me you hated me and never wanted to speak to me again, never wanted me to post a comment or anything like that.. i think i would still always read you. you write so well so evocatively.. for a moment, i was there with you, in the heady days of a long summer when time seems to stop forever, and the future is endless and fluid.
*huggggggggggggsssssss tight(WI)*.. thank you for sharing.. thank you for being you, for writing as you do…
keth
xx
Oh thank you so much, sweetheart. You are too kind. *blush*
*hugs*
nah.. not too kind. its the truth. its only kind if its not the truth. so there.
P
and has anyone ever told you how pretty you are when you blush?
First of all beautiful, descriptive writing.
Second of all WOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!! Thank you a million times over….You truly are an amazing woman kaya..your writing and photos take me places I’ll never go in real life (my boy HATES pain) and I thank you for that..
I agree that even I am not worth the punishment that would follow an unauthorized video, but damn I’d almost take the punishment for you to see a video..LOL…
Thank you for being you and allowing me a glimpse..Big hugs!!
Maybe next week I can get a video. Master will probably jump on the idea.
Thank YOU, for the inspiration, for making me think of her. Did I mention she was beautiful and had great bazongas?
*hugs*
the lesbian in all of us
Damn kaya, that was some incredible writing going on there! Thanks.
carla says she’s not a lesbian and was only ever slightly curious. I on the other hand might be a lesbian if I could find the right woman.
Fred
Re: the lesbian in all of us
lol Fred.. you crack me up.
Thank you!
What can I say?
Beautiful, my darling Cupcake, beautiful and perfect – just like you.
:-*
*beams* Thank you.
What a lovely healing experience, and I’m glad you were able to not only experience it, but accept it as a healing balm.
If you can track her down, if you want to track her down, depending on her personality, she might appreciate a copy (possibly edited copy if she dosn’t appreciate things so bluntly put) of this. It shows how much she meant to you, and what she’s helped you become.
Way to go girl.
It’s a scary thought, to be tracking her down. So many what ifs. I just dont know if I’m that brave. Or if Master would let me…lol.
Thanks.
whats the difference
This really gives me a great insight into what you were compared to what you are. In each of our worlds things are a little different. The levels of play vary from relationship to relationship. I enjoy reading you because of your honesty and the depth in which you play. Sometime in the future maybe you could give me and other friends some insight into what the difference is between serving a Master and serving a Mistress.
In all my years in this lifestyle I never have had the opportunity to discover and share a submissive’s view on this subject.
By the way you really are doing well this time not having a meltdown without your Master. Normally by now you would have been throwing a kaya fit. GGG (good going girl).
Re: whats the difference
Well I wouldn’t say that she was a Mistress… just self-assured, confident.
I’ve never served a Mistress though that remains a huge fantasy of mine. Whenever Master and I talk about the idea of pulling another in to our relationship, it’s always with the knowledge that she’d be a Mistress to me, though would have to defer to Him. Maybe someday. I’d like it very much, I think.
Normally by now you would have been throwing a kaya fit. GGG (good going girl).
Oh thank you! That just made me tingly all over.
*beams*
Your description of your experience sounds very much like the first woman I feel in love with. Only I was too scared to follow my heart because of what people might say about me being with a woman. I did want to be with her forever.
I read the link you left on your journal. Thank you for sharing it. It was an amazing experience.
*hugs*
amazing…
Beautiful writing, Kaya. You never cease to amaze me.
~rdmk
Re: amazing…
Thank you!
I could be one too…
After reading this, I’m convinced…
I’m a lesbian….
trapped in the body of a man! (WEG)
–Rich
Re: I could be one too…
LOL! Yes, I think you might be right…lol
ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. i TOTALLY get this.
*hugs* I’m glad. Care to share some of it?
There is a woman in my life that i call “my wife”. We had a marriage ceremony (obviously not legal, except to us). She is married to a man, i live with Moose, we’re all a big mostly happy poly family. =)
i just…got this post of yours, because even though i had experimented with other women before her, she just blew me away. i still don’t consider myself bisexual – i’m just “her-sexual”. She has told me that even though she could be perfectly happy with just me, she knows that i still need a man – and she’s okay with that.
i still don’t consider myself bisexual – i’m just “her-sexual”
I love that line. Thank you for sharing.
That was Damn good writing, girl! I am bi, and this post made all those memories of how hot being with a girl is. (haven’t been with a girl for 5 years or so) And the part about lying there twirling a finger around her nipple while she talked? I can’t begin to count how many hours I spent like that. Thank you hon, You are incredible.
Thank you.
There are so many things about girls that men just can never have. Not the anatomy but the skin texture, the smoothness, softness.. and the lips. A woman’s lips are devine.
Just lovely.
kaya
Woman. I’ve known you for years and you still wow me in new ways all the time. Never ever change. I don’t think you fully understand how honored I feel to know you to the depths that you so freely allow me to. Thank you. The way you write has me feeling so ungifted, so cheated out of a lesbian experience. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.
It’s never too late for a lesbian experience you know. I might even volunteer…again
And thank you, for sticking around. I know I’m not easy to put up with.
remind me
to send you the testimony i wrote. It’s an interesting experience, being “lesbian” when you’re not. It taught me an awful lot about loving a person, not a body.
love and kisses, MSkitten
. . .and i’m a little afraid to write that blog. i’m gonna disappoint you. . .
Re: remind me
You could not disappoint me, even if you posted your grocery list. *hugs*
That sounds like a beautiful experience. Thanks for sharing.
I had my first lesbian experience at 17, although I determined I was bisexual at that point but looking back on it I think I’m just sexually fluid. We never had sex or explored each other on any type of physical level but we did explore one another on an intimate, emotional level. She had an incredible impact on my life and I love her for it. Funny thing was, we got together shortly after I lost my virginity to the same man she gave hers too.
I’ll post an entry of my first sexual experience and those that followed a little later.
*hugs*
What an amazing entry! Thank you so much for sharing. You are a very gifted writer.