Trust vs. Control
I hear things like this a lot:
“If He trusted you, He wouldn’t need to read your emails.”
“Master knows I can handle myself so He doesn’t have to “babysit” me.”
This one, from another thread: “if you need to keep your partner in a box, they aren’t your partner.” or this one “if you have to brainwash her to the point where she can’t leave, you aren’t a dom, you’re a weak, insecure, fool who can’t keep her by any other means.”
“He actually PRE-READS your fucking email? On what planet is this not indicitive of a TERRIBLE case of insecurity on his part?”
“What does that say about the women that are brainless enough to obey”
So, what I have to ask is – what part of control don’t they understand? Why does it have to be indicative of a lack of trust or insecurity? Could it POSSIBLY be just one more measure of control?
Seems like bdsm has a lot to do with control. But maybe I’ve been misinformed. ;)
There are some people who get into bdsm for more than just kinky sex. Some dominants actually want to control “stuff” and some submissives want their “stuff” controlled, including such inane things as emails and friends lists.
What smacks of insecurity is the propensity people have to put down a kink they don’t have/understand/want.
I have a Master who controls such silly things as my emails. I think, and call me crazy here, that this is HARDLY an indication of being distrustful or insecure. As evidence of what I consider His trust and security, let me point out that I am, currently, sitting alone in His house, with two of His credit cards snug in my purse, the keys to both His car and His truck hanging by the door while He’s at work, and I can guarantee that He won’t be home for at least the next 10 hours. I am not chained to anything (though I’d like to be!). Yet I am not inviting the neighbor over for raunchy sex, I am not shopping with His credit cards, I am not cruising around town picking up hookers. I could, as I certainly have the means, but I’m not, nor does He think I will and I know this because He leaves every morning and leaves those items in my possession, perfectly convinced they will be right where He left them. As I will be right where He left me.
But that He reads my emails and pre-approves the books I read, He’s insecure and doesn’t trust me, nor does He really have control over me.
???
Baffles me. Honestly and truly.
What DOES this say about the women who are brainless enough to obey?
Um.. maybe that we’re submissive. ;-)
~cunt
(x-posted to FL)
Tags: M/s rambles, rants
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Thursday October 9th, 2008 7:44am
Says your brainless, duh!
And he’s way insecure. I’ve been around you too damn long not to have you as an IM friend! He must think I’m gonna steal you away. That’s gotta be it.
-snicker-
LOL.. I think He’s afraid that if you and I get together on msn, His spotless house will mysteriously become a pig sty.
“But Master! I was talking to my slut!”
-giggles- I could so see it!
i so love this post. totally made me smile! I agree with you 100%
xoxox
holly
Great post, and I agree. Many of my rules have absolutely nothing to do with trust and everything to do with control. It’s just stupid to think that I’ve made it 43 years in this world (10 as a divorced, single mom with no child support) and yet I need someone to pick out the color of my toe polish.
No – I don’t need Sir to pick it out, he chooses to and I have vowed to obey him. For Christ’ sakes, I hate blue polish and had to wear it on my toes for almost two months.
Or, maybe we do need that kind of micromanaging direction. I too have a teenager and have just recently become aware of how stupid I am. I told her she’s lucky, there are many species in the world that eat their children and she’s still breathing after almost 15 years.
Not to take over your rant, but come on… Of course you are capable, he just likes to mess with your head because he can and it’s just another way he can use his property as he sees fit.
Their problem is that if you are NOT in a true PE relationship with a (reasonably) sane and caring person, then those things could and generally are the signs of an abusive relationship.
And the people who just want to get do a bit of spanky-bot before sex do NOT understand why you’d want to be in a relationship that looks anything like an abusive one.
It’s easy to see their point … but almost impossible to explain to them how aroused and happy something like turning your financial liberty over to someone can make you. Every time I need to call my Master and ask permission to buy something, it makes me feel things are right in my universe.
Of course, when/where I got into BDSM, things were a bit reversed. I was in an area with mostly old leather (gay men and the leather dykes who’d survived the ’80s feminism wars), and it was a college town, so anyone young who was looking to get into BDSM was seen merely as someone who was getting their kinks out of their system before settling down to a vanilla life, and therefore trusted and welcomed about as far as you could throw a cage full of slaves.
So what I got was a distrust for anyone who saw BDSM as part of sex (or sex as part of BDSM) and the only “real” BDSM-ers where people who just wanted the lifestyle, and made dismissive noises about the kinky sex.
(Which just made me very annoyed and defensive and cling to my kinky-sex-wanting, so that I really didn’t understand that I wanted the other stuff, too.)
Anyway, both sides can be stupid and insensitive and bothersome. Everyone should just be like us well-adjusted perverst who take “the middle way,” and want it all! [grins extremely widely]
Oh, in what group was this discussion? I want to go read the responses!!!
I say it means a good deal of it’s easier to have a handler to make sure we aren’t wasting our time!
awesome post kaya – couldn’t have agreed more!
Often, trying to control things as finances and (especially) the social network of your partner is a sign of insecurity and abuse. Often, abusive men try to keep their partners away from ‘bad influences’ so she’ll stay with him. They control her untill she can’t get away.
Control over such things are big, huge, gigantic red flags for many of us. It gives a strong ‘oh fuck, something’s messed up there’ – vibe. And rightfully so, because often it is a sign something’s messed up.
It’s not strange people get weirded out by these forms of control, even in a M/s relationship. M/s relationships can get abusive too. And if a new Dom I was gettin to know would tell me he would eventually want control over his subs finances, social network and literature, that would be a warning sign for me. Too often, those Doms are the bad ones, the abusive ones, the deeply insecure ones.
That does not mean there is anything wrong with *your* relationship. It sounds great to me. And I agree the things that are said online about control over social stuff is too generalized (is that an English sentence?), it’s not always a sign of insecurity.
But often, it is.
^
I’m Marijke by the way. Hi ;).
This is interesting to me because my own focus as a dom is much more on control. I’m not a sadist; pain is a tool used for purposes of control.
But I have told several people in the careful back and forth of establishing relationship that any slave I take is going to have a bank account, with his name on it, with enough money to get him out and keep him out of our lives in it. That’s security. Neither would I force him to sign over the title of any vehicle he owns to me. That’s security as well.
But if he finds that my reading his emails before he sends them or reading his blog and his IM logs and my ordering for him in restaurants and telling him when to go to bed is a great big YES….then we will both make ourselves very happy.
I haven’t found him yet, but I am looking.
It’s because people are dumb. Big dummy sundaes with dummy sauce & dummy sprinkles.
Then you have the other side of the coin.
I’m in a 24/7, slave to my husband/master relationship. Only, he doesn’t want to have that much control over me. He likes playing EQ, not emailing, and he doesn’t want to see what groups I’m part of on what internet websites, or what I’m saying to anybody.
I can talk to anybody I want to, even so far as being rude to anybody I deem deserves it, and he doesn’t care. The only time he cares is when my feelings get hurt, and even then he doesn’t tell me to stop posting/responding/whatever.
And what I hear is that I can’t *possibly* be a “real” slave because I have so much freedom. That we might think what we have is slavery, but really, I’m “just” a submissive. It’s even been hinted at times that I’m topping from the bottom (because, you know, if I wasn’t, he’d have me so much more under control).
I’ve found it really doesn’t matter how well your relationship works for the people involved, other people are always going to find something to criticize about it.
But hey, what do I know, I’m just a deluded ‘submissive’ who doesn’t even know I’m not a slave and who’s topping from the bottom anyway. :)
Kaya,
I just had a thought. Army DIs must be the single most insecure group of peopl in the world. I mean, look at how they operate. They force the recruits to do all the same thing, and it can only be done the army (DI’s) way. They can’t leave the base without permission. They can’t talk in line to anyone else. The DIs make surprise inspections to see if anyone is doing things they shouldn’t be doing. God, Kaya, I think we need to teach these DIs how to be trusting sould that let the recruits think for themselves.
This is the same problem I have in math classes. Students ask me “what is the rule for solving sory problems?” (my appologies to the math-phobic) I can’t seem to get it through their heads that every problom need to be judged on its entirety. Relationships are the same way. When my dad controlled my mom’s mail, phone calls, travel, letters, it was abuse. When your Master does the smae thing, its not abuse. Why, because of all the OTHER factors that need to be considdered, including how much you thrive and adore under such control. Guess what folks, the world is a complicated place and there isn’t a one size fits all solution to many things.
Dave
PS I’ve heard it observed that there are two truths. 1) the sum of intelligence ion the world is fixed. 2) the populaiton of the world is increasing. Do the math. ;)
if i had a dog and i taught it to use the computer, i’d probably read it’s e-mail too
and honestly who wouldn’t a dog that can fucking e-mail? that’s the most awsome thing ever! does it e-mail the neighbor’s cat with threats? what is the newest word on dog food? are purple collars in this year?
wait, where was i?
oh yeah, your master reading your mail. i have to agree with you completely on this one. you are owned, you are property, you have nothiing that is not his. that includes this blog and that e-mail and anything else that is you.
as far as this being a sign of your master being distrustful, that’s just stupid. hell, by that logic if he’s putting you on shaving restriction does that mean he thinks you’ll cut your clit off?
Its not often I de-lurk here though I come visit every day. It never ceases to amaze me how often we will look at someone else’s life and say in some shape or form “that’s not right, I’d never do that”, when we’re not being asked to. What isn’t right for us may be perfect for someone else.
dweaver999 said:
“When my dad controlled my mom’s mail, phone calls, travel, letters, it was abuse. When your Master does the same thing, its not abuse. Why, because of all the OTHER factors that need to be considdered, including how much you thrive and adore under such control. Guess what folks, the world is a complicated place and there isn’t a one size fits all solution to many things.”
Amen to that. The difference is in our consent. That consent is the basis of our submission. For many of us, it is the foundation of our relationships. The ‘kinky sex’ is just the icing (and sometimes the cherries too) on top of an extremely satisfying and fulfilling cake.
love and hugs xxx
Why is it others so often take issue with what works for you? To Me it is simple but complicated as in “Do as I Say” simple but complicated. It is a good thing that most of those who cast stones can’t throw far
my relationship with Master is long distance- we only see each other every 4 or 5 months for a week at a time.. its never enough time, but it is what we can have. when im with Master, i arrive in the clothes He tells me to wear, im naked and collared and cuffed the remainder of the time until i get back on the airplane. i eat what He gives me, i obey Him completely every moment. when im home, i have items of clothing that are not allowed, but the outfit choice is mine. im to follow a diet and exercise routine and He does question me about it..( not saying im really good with that rule…) my emails are forwarded to Him as are my replies, unless its family or work related. i have to ask permission to buy anything that isnt a normal purchase. when we talk every day, i have to ask permission to use bathroom, run an errand, etc…rewards and punishments are given and carried out.
those are just some of the ways Master controls me… im not empty- headed nor stupid.. i have raised my children who are awesome young men now.. i control the household budget, take care of things at home and am a manager for a business, hiring vendors and workers, over seeing projects, do the banking and accounting..
the control Master has over me works for us both.. its not abuse- my consent was given at the beginning, and it includes anything that He deems appropriate. the control factor is huge to me, more so than the kink (which is totally awesome too, i might add..lol) being submissive is giving away your control- it doesnt really matter how much or limited it is. if you are making all your own decisions, keeping all the control… then to me you are just having kinky sex… which by the way, isnt bad or wrong either- but to me, control ( in whatever form) and submissive go together.
hugs,
Hisflower
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