Trust, Faith and the Breakdown of it all.
I am done with the 200 clothespins/chants for now, as long as I behave. Yeah.. so just be patient. I’ll be doing it again soon.}
One of the continuations of my punishment was the order to make a nice long journal post sitting on the bitch bench. So here I am. With nothing to say and never having felt more like disappearing into myself in my life. Sitting here, uncomfortable.. getting more and more uncomfortable as time ticks by.. is not as bad as having to lay it all for public consumption. For the naysayers to say “told you you were a bad slave”.
I couldn’t sleep last night and I decided at some 2:30 in the morning that maybe I’d feel better if I wrote it down, got it out, got it over with. And also, selfishly needing to hear that I was forgiven, that I was human, that I’m fallible and it’s ok.
Master gives me alot of chores and tasks to do that He would never know for sure that I completed. There are some that have marks to check, there are some that can have pictures snapped but there are ten times more that require His trust in me to do them as He directed. For instance, I may not be sitting on the bitch bench. There is no way to prove that. All He can take is my word.
What does my word mean to Him now?
Last night’s omission/avoidance/lie turned into two hours or so of lectures, pain, clips, interrogation, humiliation, tears, promises, pleas. And it’s not over. No matter what He replied in that comment, I know better. I won’t be trusted again for……. ever. And that’s the real punishment isn’t it?
I’m pms’ing. I know I’m pms’ing because Master is coming home and I always start sometime around that time. Because God hates me and wants sex to be messy and complicated. I know I’m pms’ing because I’m tired and cranky. It’s the only time that I don’t find Master’s jokes funny. It’s the only time that I bristle when I sense hostility toward my kids, doesn’t matter if it was exactly what I said about them yesterday, nobody else is *allowed* to say it. It’s the only time that I would dare say “fuck you” and mean it. It’s the only time that I can’t handle the absolute fact that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much pain I take, no matter how much effort I put into it, Master keeps the bar just a tad out of my reach. Always.
That’s not the same as saying He isn’t pleased, though that’s what I turn it into.
It’s the only time that I fight my rules and feel smothered.
So I’m struggling to think of things to write about here…. I do apologize if this is jumbled. Well, no I don’t. I AM jumbled. So suffer with me or go read somewhere else.
See.. pms. I told you.
I don’t get to have moods or be offended. Seems unfair, of course I can’t control that monthly feeling of irritation, but I CAN control how I respond to other people. I obviously failed this month. Is Master obligated to back off and cut me some slack because I’m hormonal? Obviously not, since He doesn’t. Does that make Him a cold-hearted, insensitive, hard-ass bastard?
Ayep.
That also makes Him a Master. He doesn’t let my hormones or moods run His life. I’d be less than pleased if He did. I really don’t have any problem with that. I LIKE that He’s a hardass. Most of the time.
Most of the time, pms is really a non-issue. He notices that I’m a little quicker to get irritated, I’m a little less enthusiastic about things, I’m alot more hyper-sensitive to insults (meant or not). But it’s not a problem, per se. It lasts a day, maybe two… and then I’m right back to normal and things are wonderful again. Which is exactly what would have happened this time, had I not made that one stupid decision.
I was going to post exactly what the lie was.. backspaced it though. My only motivation for doing that would be to hear people tell me that it “wasn’t so bad”. I already know that the lie itself was minor. Lying though, is not. And that’s what this comes to.
It works the same way with obedience too doesn’t it? I can tell Him no when He asks me to get Him some coffee or I could run down to the salon and chop my hair off… two vastly different broken rules but all still plain ol’ disobedience. I suspect the punishment would be about the same for both.
You know for the next forever and a day, He’s going to ask me.. after every sentence… “are you sure? Are you lying? How can I believe you?” He’s asked me that before.. and I’ve always had the luxury of saying “because I don’t lie to you Master.”
And I didn’t. I refused, no matter what the outcome or consequences to tell a lie. He was particularly sensitive (from past relationships) to any hint of deception and I worked hard to fix that.I paid the price for the other people/women in His past. I was honest to a fault. I was honest when it would hurt, Him or me. I purposely made sure to put everything out there just so He could see it. I confessed immediately to anything that I thought might be a trigger, endured the consequences, eliminated other things that I could see were always going to be a source of suspicion.
And threw it all away.
It can be said that the “punishment” is over. He forgives me. He loves me.
He’ll never trust me again.
All of the tasks I do will be with the knowledge that He won’t *completely* believe that I did them. He’s going to take everything I say about everything I do with just a little bit of doubt.
I don’t forgive me.
And I don’t know if I’m up for starting it all over again. I just don’t.
Tags: discipline, punishment
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Thursday January 19th, 2006 1:29pm
It gets better
Ok I’m always a bit nervous bout posting on here cos I see all these people who seem to have loads more experience than I do and a whole load of self esteem issues!! So, here’s soemthing from someone who has been lied to, betrayed, abused and seriously physically and emotionally damaged. Like everyone else really, I suppose.
I’ve been lied to by people I’ve trusted. I’ve thought I could never trust anyone ever again. My darling has proven me wrong on this. Now he has done things that I’ve seen as betrayal. he has lied to me. He has hidden the truth. Not even for my won good, but something along the lines of what you did – or what I imagien you did – he left something out cos he just didn’t have the energy to go through the whole conversation.
I forgave him. (And I don’t even get to punish him.) It is possible to win back trust. Where there’s love there has to be trust. What I’m trying to say is that this won’t last forever. You’ll probably be feeling raw and emotional and out of sorts for ages – apart from the pms, which just makes everything worse! – but it will get better. Just go back and read your Masters comments on last night. He is proud of you. Its obvious to a blind man he loves you. he’s not going to give up on you.
Here’s another bug hug. Its always possible to win back trust. But you gotta trust yourself as well as him.
cuddlybum
Ps if this upsets you even more or annoys you or whatever, feel free to delete it immediately!!!
Ok, I know you didn’t post this to get responses, so part of me is saying to not post a comment. That maybe sometimes part of being a friend is to just shut the fuck up.
I have always sucked at that part. I can’t keep still, when I have something to say. I just … can’t.
So, I will console myself with the knowledge that if you really do not want to read this right now … you will simply not open the e-mail.
I’d say I wish I was there to kiss you and cuddle you and spoon feed you ice cream – or make you some more cherry coconut bars – but I know when it’s this bad for you, you really don’t want to be around yourself, let alone anyone else. All day I’ve been keeping an eye on my msn, knowing when you’re there and waiting to see if you are ready to talk to me. I’ve had to stop myself many, many times from sending you an im or a message. You know I’m here, and when you are ready to face the world again – or even me – you will let me know.
Sometimes, the hardest part of being a friend is also the waiting.
I know exactly how you feel (omfg do I). I know how hard, how horrible, this is. I could sit here and tell you that it’s not so bad, He will trust you again, if He doesn’t already … but you can’t believe that right now. And when you can believe that again .. you’ll already know it.
I think self loathing is the absolute most debilitating emotion there is (just in case you don’t know this … why do you think I cried so hard the night I wrote about the Imp?), and really, there is nothing anyone can say or do to make it go away. The only one who can even come close to helping is your Master, your Owner, the Man who loves you more than life … and I know even He will have to work to get your head back up.
I love you. I would give everything I own to make this better for you, to clear away the awfulness in your head and heart and soul.
Be easy, Cupcake, as easy as you can. Just breathe. Have faith. One foot in front of the other, get through the time the way we used to get through labor pains, slow steady breaths, and the knowledge that even though it feels like this horrible pain will last the rest of your life, it won’t. I promise you it won’t.
♥
Hi kaya,
I know I havn’t posted in a while but I read your blog every day and usually check a few times to see if there is a new post. I hope you are able to forgive yourself. One of the benefits of punishment is to rid the guilt. I hear you about the pms. I get it pretty bad and usually am not that submissive during that time of the month. I hate having hormones! I hope your doing ok…
Big Hugs
padme
I have to wonder kaya, do you continue to scold the children for actions or misdeeds done two years ago? Does the dog get fussed at today for peeing on your floor a month ago? Do you hold each and every injustice you have ever felt from Him against Him each day? If your friend wronged you and asked to be forgiven, would you make them suffer every single day for the rest of their life? Do you never forgive anyone for anything?
Or is it that you are the only one you feel the need to continuously punish? I’m just asking…
You know for the next forever and a day, He’s going to ask me.. after every sentence… “are you sure? Are you lying? How can I believe you?” He’s asked me that before.. and I’ve always had the luxury of saying “because I don’t lie to you Master.”
And now, you have the ability to say, “Because I will never lie to you again, Master.”
In that one short statement, you are able to acknowledge a past mistake, accept responsibility for it AND answer him truthfully and honestly while reminding him that you did indeed learn your lesson.
Surely an action of grace, dignity and submission to make any Man proud of His girl.
Just my opinion of course.
magdala~
Been there, done that…
I breeched the trust of a new Master in my life recently and it seems that the relationship might never recover. I so know what you are feeling, and boy do I get the hormone thing. I am currently having my SECOND CYCLE of the year. Yes, I know it is only the 19th…sigh. Welcome to my world.
I was recently feeling sorry for myself on my blog. I read about other slaves screwing up and getting punished and things getting worked through. Be thankful you had a punishment. I really don’t have much opportunity to redeem myself. I envy your position. He loves you. He’s already over it. I know you will punish yourself more than he ever could, but that really won’t do much but take your mental energy away from serving him… You have a Master that corrects you when you make mistakes. How fortunate you are. Be happy in that and don’t beat yourself up.
Not sure if I am making any sense at all here, but… *hugs* hang in there.
~nilla
ROFLMAO… “Please confirm you are a human being.” um okay I will try lol.
*hugs* tho cyber hugs don’t help much I know…nothing I think I could say would really help…but I will say that I think you are as much a slave as they come, lie or none…no one is perfect, and you know that. so, since all I can do is send cyber hugs, I will and tell you I understand how you feel…take care of you sweetie.
Oh kaya, it will get better. His trust will grow in you again. Till then, *hugs*. And as for the moods, Master does the same with me. My moods better not ever effect Him, or if they begin to, they better just go away, right then. I can’t help that I’m hormonal!! Damn why do they always have to decide to be hard asses when your going through your swings.
This blog entry is a punch to my stomach :(
kaya…that’s exactly what i’m living right now. i’ve been punished. i begged and cried and told Him i was so sorry for mi mistake…and i will never do it again…
Now, the punishment is (almost) over – i’m still not allowed to do some of the things i used to do for Him. He says He still loves me. And as i’m still His slave it means i’ve been forgiven.
But it’s not the same as it was before. i need Him to trust me again – because without His trust i feel so little, so stupid…so dirty.
Don’t give up. i’m fighting hard to have what i lost back. Sometimes mistakes can really help to have a brand new light in your life – so you won’t fail again.
Many many hugs.
schiava – http://schiava.blogspot.com
The Tea Cup
There was a couple who used to go England to shop in a beautiful antique store. This trip was to celebrate their 25 th wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially teacups.
Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked, “May we see that? We’ve never seen a cup quite so beautiful.”
As the lady handed it to them, the tea cup spoke.
“You don’t understand,” it said, “I have not always been a tea cup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, ‘Don’t do that. I don’t like it! Let me alone,’ but he only smiled, and gently said, ‘Not yet!’
“Then. WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. ‘Stop it! I’m getting so dizzy! I’m going to be sick!’, I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly, ‘Not yet.’
“He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then….then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. ‘Help! Get me out of here!’ I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, ‘Not yet.’
“When I thought I couldn’t bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. ‘Oh, that felt so good! Ah, this is much better,’ I thought. But, after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. ‘Oh, please; stop it, stop it!!’ I cried. He only shook his head and said. ‘Not yet!’
“Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up.
“Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited and waited, wondering, What’s he going to do to me next? An hour later he handed me a mirror and said ‘Look at yourself.’ And I did.
“I said, ‘That’s not me; that couldn’t be me. It’s beautiful. I’m beautiful!’
“Quietly he spoke: ‘I want you to remember, then,’ he said, ‘I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you’d have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn’t put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn’t done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn’t put you back in that second oven, you wouldn’t have survived for long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you.’”
Don’t give up kaya
enchanted`