“To know after absence the familiar street and road and village and house is to know again the satisfaction of home”
A random search (that I refuse to link to) netted this little gem.
“Survivors of abuse seek M/S relationships because they are only comfortable in a relationship that involves the dynamics of abuse they are familiar with. This is not a healthy place for them.”
How nice that someone, a stranger, has become the authoritative voice on what it is that is healthy for abuse “survivors”. Perhaps when they’ve finished dictating what is, and is not, acceptable in my intimate relationships, they can pick out the books I should be reading. Pre-program my television to acceptable entertainment. Choose my food.
Clearly they know more about what is healthy for me than I do. Odd of me to find that offensive.
First, I very much dislike the term “survivor”. I know other people use it and take pride (or something) in announcing that they “survived” past abuse. Personally, I think you survive a bad car accident or you survive a plane crash. And yes, I get that some people have survived horrific abuse that probably did put their lives in danger. But I was not in any danger of dying so I detest having that term applied to me.
I also reject the “victim” label. Though my past might fit the dictionary definition of being victimized, that particular word carries such a self-pitying atmosphere with it that it just makes my brain twitch. I hated being in therapy and hearing that word used for me. I did not feel like a victim until a doctor told me I was, and every time it was said I’d feel small and useless and sorry for myself all over again. I spent more time after therapy recovering from everything they told me I SHOULD be than I did working my way through the actual after-effects of the abuse.
I am not a survivor, nor am I a victim. I was an easy target for experimentation. That’s what I was. I was a little girl with little girl parts surrounded by bigger, stronger, older boys going through puberty and left unsupervised by adults. It was bad and it was ugly and blah blah blah.
I’m over it.
Sure, it had it’s traumatic moments. Losing my virginity at the age of 5 was a rotten deal. I learned all sorts of associations that people who aren’t abused probably don’t. I learned that kissing is an act of intimacy far surpassing any sex act. I learned the fine art of dissociation. I learned how to eroticize situations that aren’t. I learned how to take pain without a sound or a twitch. I learned that sex and pain go hand in hand, that one enhances the other and without both together, either one alone – sucks.
But those lessons haven’t been all bad. What happened to me during those formative years under the guise of being “victimized” also taught me valuable life lessons that I’ve used on many, many occasions. After all, if I made it through that for all those years in one piece, I can make it through *anything*. I have pulled that thought up more times than I can count when struggling through a rough situation.
I tell you what it didn’t do though. That abuse did NOT render me retarded. Or ignorant. Or stupid. Or incapable of rational thought. I am not, and never have been, unable to think for myself, to know myself, and to choose what I like. To KNOW what I like – and what I don’t.
The very idea that someone has the audacity to say that because I was abused I am incapable of making healthy decisions about my life infuriates me. I was incapable as a 5 year old, I am NOT incapable now. How was it that I was apparently fully able to birth and raise 3 children who are happy, healthy, intelligent, well-adjusted teens, manage my time and my money, hold down a job, have a house and a car, function on a day to day basis in society and FEEL normal, healthy and happy? Yet some self-proclaimed “expert” comes along and decides that I’m too damaged to make “healthy” decisions. Excuse me?
So I can function decently in all areas *except for* those areas that involve my personal, intimate relationships? That’s the brilliant conclusion they’ve come to?
How then do they rationalize that not all of the people seeking an M/s relationship are “survivors of abuse”? How do they explain away that not all “survivors of abuse” seek out an M/s relationship?
Even if – IF – I, as a “survivor”, am indeed seeking the safety of familarity, so what? So fucking what?
I fail to see why finding comfort in what is familiar automatically equals “unhealthy”. If it’s a relationship that makes me happy and fulfills my needs, WHY is it unhealthy? I’m past the magic age of 18. I’m not a drooling, blubbering, incoherent dolt. I’m not a simpleton, I’m fully capable in every other area of my life, by society’s standards, to make rational, adult decisions. So why does this one get the fish eye?
If I had used my past abuse as an excuse to abuse another child because that’s what was familiar to me, that would be an unhealthy way to deal with it. If I had chosen men who used me as an avenue to my own kids because those kinds of men were familiar to me, THAT would be an unhealthy choice. If I stayed drunk 20 hours out of the day so I didn’t have to *think* about my past, that would be unhealthy.
Some people never move more than a mile away from mom’s house. They live, raise their kids, and die in the same community they grew up in. Why? Because it’s familiar. It’s safe. They stay at the same job for 30 years, eat the same foods, watch the same tv shows, keep the same friends, frequent the same bowling alley, go to the same doctor, buy the same truck year after year after year. Because it’s comfortable. It’s familiar.
Finding comfort in what is familiar to you is not necessarily an unhealthy choice.
Everyone in the world finds some way to deal with the hand life dealt them. Ev-er-y-body. You, me, everyone. You don’t have to have had some hugely traumatic event(s) to require a coping mechanism. Life itself requires it. Some people shop, some people devote themselves to the church, some people avoid their own life, merely existing while “living” through some actor on a soap opera. Some people escape into books or video games – or an internet chat room. Second Life anyone? Sims?
I choose not to smoke crack as my coping mechanism. I choose not to drink a bottle of wine a day. I choose not to gamble away my husband’s paycheck. I choose not to beat my kids. I choose not to torture small animals. But as an intelligent, rational adult I choose to keep this “abuse” in my life. I am comfortable with my current relationship dynamics. I feel safe in this environment.
I don’t need you. Go save a whale or something. Sheesh.
~cunt
LikeTags: rants
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Wednesday April 16th, 2008 10:34am
Fucking a
:-*
I know you don’t know me, and you could probably care less what I have to say, but Thank you for writing what you have.
you could probably care less what I have to say
Not true. I care very much. Thank you for speaking up. :-)
Bravo!! Very well said and I whole-heartedly agree *smiles*
You are a shining beacon of sane thought. Thank you for writing this.
Exactly what Sinner said!
I really love your writing, kaya! :)
Kaya dear girl, i’ll happily add my word to Blue’s.
You rock girl.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
I rarely comment, but I have been reading your new blog since you left livejournal.
It makes me sad that you feel you need to justify your choices. If you are living a life that fulfills you, gives a positive environment to your children, wraps you in love and warmth, and keeps you grounded and happy…you don’t need to justify your preferences regarding your sex life and relationship dynamics.
Only you know the truth about what’s going on in your household, family, and marriage. If you think everything’s right, then it’s right.
Everything can be painted in a bad light, and we all know that some M/s relationships ARE unhealthy. There are also many many MANY unhealthy vanilla relationships. Any time you put 2 people together, there’s potential for bad drama. That’s just human nature.
Please don’t be upset and angered by people who don’t know the details of your life and your love. Be confident in your decisions, no matter what they may be.
I’m not justifying. I’m correcting this person’s misconception.
Only you know the truth about what’s going on in your household
Which is exactly why this person needed to not make that sort of judgment.
You rant beautifully with a well reasoned, logical and personalized argument. Good going.
In one instance, however, you are a ‘survivor.’ You survive the insipid, tedious, non-relevant barbs and rhetoric of the shysters who claim expertise and the moralists with little backbone yet great prudity and smug ignorance who claim authority but are nothing more than the flotsam and jetsom of a cruise to nowhere.
Strange, isn’t it, that in a culture than claims individual choice as an inherent right, others demand to make our choices for us.
nothing more than the flotsam and jetsom of a cruise to nowhere.
LOVE that line. Love it. :D
Thank you. Exactly.
Hi,
I’m glad that this has come up in your blog. Obviously a lot of bdsm-ers have been abused, including me. My partner currently won’t indulge my masochism because he doesn’t want to replay stuff that I went through in case it damages me somehow, or in case I’m using him to self-harm kindof.
I don’t know how I feel about that really, because I’m not coming from a place of being sorted like the one you describe. I’ve been out of work with depression and anxiety for years, just started work again actually and my panic attacks etc etc are easing up – stuff is getting better. My partner thinks we should wait until I’m generally happier and healthier and then if I still crave pain we can talk about it. He wants to know it isn’t a symptom of my depression before he’ll indulge it.
I think pain and sex go together in my head because (although it was an abusive situation and I didn’t want my body to respond how it did – ie, getting physiologically aroused) once you have had that level of physical experience, that intensity and extreme sensation, it’s difficult to go back to gentle. It’s like trying to make do with supermarket icecream after having tried haagan daz or something.
So yeah – my head’s a mess over this one. I crave pain, I fully understand why my partner wants me as more of an equal at the moment, but I really crave pain. Dunno what the answer is for me. Glad you’ve found the right answer for you! Silly internet person you quoted, assuming everyone is the same.
Laura.
My partner thinks we should wait until I’m generally happier and healthier and then if I still crave pain we can talk about it. He wants to know it isn’t a symptom of my depression before he’ll indulge it.
I think that is an incredibly wise decision. The last thing you want is to reinforce the wrong feelings. Kudos to the pair of you for recognizing that.
once you have had that level of physical experience, that intensity and extreme sensation, it’s difficult to go back
I agree. My favorite way of putting it is “you can’t unpickle a cucumber”. I’ve already been pickled. And I’ll never, ever know for sure that I would have been drawn to bdsm without the prior abuse so there is little point in agonizing over it. It is what it is (I yam what I yam, to quote Popeye ;-) It just doesn’t matter WHY I’m the way I am, so long as what I get out of it remains healthy and makes me happy. The abusive actions may be similar, but the ending result is a far cry different these days.
Good luck, Laura. :-)
Awww, don’t pick on whale-savers! The author of that little nugget of over-generalization is an idiot, sure, but I myself LOVE whales and I don’t make stupid uninformed statements about BDSM. :)
lol.. you are right. I’m sorry. ;)
Have you seen the Hancock trailer? … now that is my kind of whale saver!
mms://media.tribute.ca/Trailers/hancock_lg.asf
Kaya,
Once again, a very insightful post. I’ve read similar comments and in fact, had a small essay I wrote once on “pleasurable pain: a vanilla view” trashed by some supposed “expert” in the field, claiming that BDSM play that leaves bruises and welts is always unhealthy and illegal. Of course, the numerous spelling and grammar errors in his comment left me wondering…
Seriously, unhealthy should be judged on the basis of what the results are, not what the actions are. I think people who ski (fall down a mountain on purpose) are a little nuts (I’m acrophobic), but that doesn’t make skiing an “unhealthy” way to spend your time. Everything I’ve seen of you here (adnittedly little) tells me that you are extremely happy with your life, that you’ve raised some great kids who will make the world a better place somehow, that you are passionately in love with and passionately loved by your spouse/Master. HOW CAN THAT BE UNHEALTHY! So you ask for and are beaten black and blue when you have sex? I happen to know that several people who have seen you think black and blue are your colors. ;)
Every person I’ve ever known that was in an abusive relationship (admittedly, three whole people) has, when pinned down, knew it was abusive and that they should leave. They may not have left or believed they could leave or even been willing to admit it to themselves, but they knew they should when forced to look at it. I KNOW you’ve looked at yourself enough to answer that question, “am I in an abusive relationship?” with a definative “No!” Even IF I was willing an able to say you don’t know what you’re talking about (and I’m NOT willing to do that), I couldn’t help you get out until you admitted it to yourself. That’s why intervention almost never works, life changes require willingness, they can’t be forced.
Anyway, I’m running on and this is your dime. Live your life and flip off those who would tell you that it’s “unhealthy.” One final thought, has it occured to anyone that those submissives/masochists who suffered abuse did so because they were submissives and not the other way around? Maybe the predators saw something that was already there and took advantage of it rather than creating it. If this is the actual case, staying OUT of a D/s relationship would be unhealthy, not getting into one. If society can believe that people are born gay, why not people who are born submissive?
Dave
PS if you would like to read my article, it’s on Literotica.com in the essays section, or I can send you a copy.
Every person I’ve ever known that was in an abusive relationship (admittedly, three whole people) has, when pinned down, knew it was abusive and that they should leave.
That’s an interesting statement. One of the conversations pureblue and I have had involves that very concept. When someone, anyone, has to ASK if they are in an abusive relationship – it’s pretty safe to say that they are not. Because people who are, *know* they are. They may not admit it, like you said, but they know it. If you have to ask – you ain’t. You might be looking for a handy excuse to pin the failure of your relationship on, and by God, abuse is a handy excuse. Hardly anyone will argue with it.
has it occured to anyone that those submissives/masochists who suffered abuse did so because they were submissives and not the other way around?
Yes. That’s another topic blue and I have talked about. I may pull that up in a post, see what the general opinion is on it.
You can ramble on my dime any day. :D
I enjoyed reading this entry. I also don’t like being called a victim or a survivor for things that have happened in my past.
I am very convinced that there is a connection between childhood sexual abuse and BDSM. I am also very aware the the “survivor community” largly labels anyone who participates as the top in BDSM with a Childhood sexual abuse survivor a second hand abuser. survivors who want “abuse” are not well, they are in trauma, acting out the victim persona. Any partner who agrees to such a relationship is taking advantage of an unwell person, a person who is not capable of true consent…..thus is an abuser.
My wife is a CSA survivor….after 20 years my take is that BDSM can be very healing.
I agree with everything you said, except maybe for this right here: “there is a connection between childhood sexual abuse and BDSM”
I honestly don’t think there is. Here’s why.
I think there is an extremely HIGH number of people that experienced childhood abuse in general. Much higher than most want to acknowledge. In ALL walks of life.
For a time, as an older teen/young adult I hung out with the lesbian “crowd”. In that time, I heard story after story of having been sexually abused. My (very wrong) conclusion at the time? Dang! Women who are sexually abused become lesbians!
I also worked for many years in healthcare. After talking to person after person who admitted to being sexually abused, I had come to the conclusion that, wow, victims of sexual abuse are drawn to healthcare careers! How weird!
Now I hear the same thing about BDSM. And I just think it’s crap.
Probably some lesbians are lesbians because of the abuse. Probably some nurses are nurses because of the abuse. Probably some submissives are submissive because of the abuse. But I believe the abuse being the sole motivator for any of them is rare.
It seems like there are a lot of sexual abuse “victims” who gravitate toward bdsm, but I think that’s only because there are a lot of sexually abused people period. I also think that one of the reasons why it seems so much more prevalent in the bdsm circle is because we talk about it more. It’s such a common theme to talk about intimate topics like hitting and pain and sex and play rape in descriptive, open terms anyway, that it’s just a short hop right on over to discussing the other intimate details of your life right along with the bdsm.
That’s my take on it anyway. :-)
Bravo!
I wonder what the justification is for those who have never been abused and is it still “unhealthy”?
I’d like to know, too, how they explain away those who haven’t been abused. I wouldn’t doubt they would tell you that you had been abused but you are suppressing it or some such shit..lol
VERY well said!
I am currently in this lifestyle. And i can tell you with ALL certainty that i was NOT abused as a child (even though my daddy was EVERYTHING to me. I was SO daddy’s girl) nor teen. I did not enter into the “formative” abusive relationships until i started seriously dating.
Much like Dave mentioned.. once i identified that it was indeed abuse i made arrangements to leave. Some of the relationships it was faster to leave then others.
Did i seek out to be in abusive relationships? Oh yes i love being called stupid and walked all over. (well ok maybe some do but that is not the way my boat floats)
I definitely agree that some people are just BORN submissive. So why would i not seek a true BDSM relationship? To me it IS normal. To me this is the best relationship i have EVER been in and so wish i would have figured this out a long LONG time ago.
Much like you…. people who live in glass houses should NEVER throw stones….Shame on them …. certainly NOT you.
Hats off to you for being one of the few people i “know” that is happy in their relationship!
Kaya if you don’t like what they write do the same as you’ve said in the past to others. Hit the little x in the corner and move on.
I did. I said nothing at all to them in their little corner of the net. They get to say whatever pleases them in their space. It’d be pretty rude of me to insult/rant/argue/dictate what they can post in their comment section, huh?
I brought my opinion back here to the space I pay for.
Well said. Fuck the haters, yo.
I HATE that that misconception goes both ways. If you’ve got abuse in your past, your kink stems from that. And if you’re kinky, something must have been effed up somewhere.
First of all, correlation is not causation.
Secondly, like you say… so what?! Maybe we *are* all products of our childhood experiences, but the point is that we eventually grow up and own who we are. You rock at that, by the way. Hey- you’re doubly-owned!
I think we discussed this a few years back, but I’ll toss in some response here.
I do not like the victim word. I tend to use the survivor word when I think of it.
I had one of those bizarre childhoods, which included abuse of a couple different types. It happened, I survived it. I remember being little and thinking to myself *I’ll never put my kids thru this*… and yanno what? I never did.
I was abused. I have brown hair. I’m into BDSM. I have blue eyes. I like Diet Coke. All facts about me, and yet totally unrelated to each other.
I think when someone tries to analyze any group, they’re going to look for common factors. How many people into BDSM are Catholic, for example? Does that mean that all Catholics turn to BDSM, or no Catholics turn to BDSM? How many people into BDSM are overweight? Does that mean all overweight people are into BDSM? You could repeat this exercise indefinitely with various factors: Democrat or Republican, right handed or left handed, short or tall, high IQ or low, middle child or only child, yada yada yada.
We are who we are… all individuals with different likes and dislikes, different characteristics, different beliefs. That’s what makes life interesting.
I’ve never commented on your blog before, but this is something that has bugged me in the past. Warning: Once I start, I write a friggin book! I was also physically (stepfather) and sexually (grandfather)abused as a child. Many of the things you describe sound very familiar to me.
“I learned that kissing is an act of intimacy far surpassing any sex act. I learned the fine art of dissociation….. I learned how to take pain without a sound or a twitch.”
All very familiar. Like you, in everyday life I also function quite well…..I have a degree and a career that I love. But sexually……I still can’t kiss. The mere thought of it makes me ill, I don’t even like to see it on movies or tv and turn my head away if I see it coming.
However, I totally disagree that my interest in spanking (as far as I go with BDSM) was caused by that abuse. I remember a fascination with spanking further back than I remember any physical or sexual abuse. And my stepfather never technically spanked me anyway, I was hit just about everywhere except my bottom. If anything, I’m into it in SPITE of what was done to me. I have such fears of loss of control that it’s actually difficult for me to participate in the things I enjoy. I’ve never truly pursued a relationship with a fellow spanko because deep down I was afraid I couldn’t control them. With vanilla partners, it’s all done for ME, so I feel like I can control the situation at all times. As much as I fantasize about submission, and feel being submissive is part of me, I completely top from the bottom because of my fears and paranoia. Also, I don’t feel the problems I have would be fair to someone who identifies as a Top.
I’m very small (under 5′ tall) which I like in a spanking sense because it just seems to fit well with the kink, but I panic if I feel I’m being held down by someone bigger than I am, so can only participate in spanking if I don’t feel too constrained. I absolutely won’t even consider the thought of bondage (even though in certain ways I find it very intruiging), because then I would have to give up some control. Same with blindfolding or gags. It’s very frustrating that I have so many contradictions because of what happened as a kid.
If these “experts” were right, I would think I should have a thing for being tickled. That was my grandfather’s method of trying to get close before starting in with abuse, so I would expect to have sexualized that. Yet, I hate that more than anything I can think of in the world. I will end a relationship over being tickled. It’s something I warn guys about fairly early on in a relationship. If you tickle me, it’s over. If “they” were right I would be frenching people left and right, and have a tickle fetish!
I hate to be tickled too. HATE IT. Beyond comprehension. It instantly makes me irrationally angry.
And kissing makes me.. panic. Sick. Scared. It’s horrible.
But you are so right and you make an excellent point. If what we were doing was confining ourselves to the parameters of the abuse, we’d be seeking out those who will pin us down and tickle us til we pee and kiss us til we pass out.
I do not do that. Doesn’t sound like you do either.
So there you have it. We’ve done proved them wrong. Again! :D
I am not a survivor, nor am I a victim. I was an easy target for experimentation. That’s what I was. I was a little girl with little girl parts surrounded by bigger, stronger, older boys going through puberty and left unsupervised by adults. It was bad and it was ugly and blah blah blah.
Though I wasn’t as young as you were and probably didn’t experience the same things, the quote above sums up my situation perfectly. I’ve tried for years to put it into words that someone could understand and had never been able to.
I hate how society seems to think they can tell people how to live their lives. it’s tiresome.
V.
I do like the term “survivor” but that’s a personal preference, which I’m pretty sure I’m entitled too.
I have to admit that I enjoy your rants. You make things sound so logical and rational.
I have to ask: was this a reputable source or someone spouting crap?
If it was a reputable source, than I would point out something my Social Psych professor said when I walked into her classroom on the first day. She told us that she didn’t want us to share our personal views and opinions. We were supposed to think on a social level. What we do as individuals may not match up to what the whole is.
It was (supposedly) a counselor who had counselled abuse victims involved in M/s relationships. Though she readily admits that she has NO experience counselling an M/s couple that did NOT come from an abusive past.
I read much more than I respond to blogs. However, your writings are very interesting.
Strong Thoughts and Strong Words. Open and non-evasive.
While I am not quite in the same sphere as you, I am probably not too far away. Being human, we all have our Dark Sides. We are lucky if we are able to live in that area of our lives and do no harm to others while still meeting our needs and associations. I think I understand where you are coming from in those regards. Each of us are the sum total of our experiences. That is what makes each of us unique. Hopefully, we all meet others who can share these leanings and be whole and kindred spirits.
it’s amazing the lengths the human mind goes to just to survive
we strive
we change
we adapt
we survive
to judge someone on their life style because of what they are doing to survive, that’s just wrong.
you do what you do because of the choices you’ve made. you chose to be a survivor and not a victim.
you chose the lifestyle you live, and no one has the right to judge your for that, esspecially if you’re not hurting anyone just to do what you need to do to be happy.
Kaya
I so love the way you put things even the average joe and those with few brain cells should and can get the jest of what you are writing. It amazes me that so many people are so determined to find a cause the root of the evil they call BDSM, you know?? Jeesh, they seem to think that everyone wants to me saved and that people whom have been abused in any form havent worked threw it and are using BDSM as some sort of sick outlet. What about the people that enjoy it?? What about the millions whom never had anything happen to them?? Im sure they would say they dont remember it or something. They should spend more time researching why people do what we do and why we love it the way we do. How fullfilling and healthy most of these house holds are and then make their points. Its like if someone doesnt understand it then it must be wrong.
Hell there is alot in life I dont understand but being the kinky slut I am I have learned to be tolerant of others choices. I learned that from this lifestyle. I learned far more from our dynamic then I ever learned outside of it. I think they are shutting themselves off not only from meeting some truly brilliant people but also perhaps finding something else out about themselves.
People never cease to amaze me.
Well said you dollface you
hugs
tia
Kaya i can very much relate to your past experiences as well as the strength you have. As my wise Master always tells me… “who we were makes us who we are”. i am certainly content with who i am!
Whenever I see the generalizations about how people who are abused as children always get involved in BDSM, I wonder what about those like me who were never abused? What’s the reason to the know-it-alls for that.
And what’s the explanation for people who were abused as children who grow up to be in abusive vanilla relationships?
Yes, there are unhealthy BDSM relationships, just as there are unhealthy vanilla relationships. It’s a statistical fact of life. A sad one, but still true.
But there are also many healthy BDSM relationships, just as there are healthy vanilla relationships – another stastical fact of life, though a much happier one.
I’m glad for you that you are where you are in your life. Everyone should be so content. :)
OK, I’m not trying to be an asshole, but I didn’t see the context from which you quoted.
A rant means that you have a lot of emotion tied up into this question.
Hate isn’t the opposite of love, indifference is.
BTW -you know I love your site, and I have respect for you, but could you be overreacting? And if so, why? (Before the thunderclouds unleash their fury upon me -it’s just a question!)
Blackryng
Anyway, what do I know? I’m as fucked up as the rest.
Actually I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking..lol
I do have a lot of emotion tied to this subject. But let’s clarify the subjects.
My childhood is the past. I’ve dealt with it, I’ve moved on. What infuriates me is how I’m not *allowed* to celebrate the very real achievement that it is to have moved on and made my peace with it when outsiders continue to tell me how wrong and damaged and unhealthy my choices are. A judgment that I vehemently disagree with, as evidenced by this post.
The other subject is the very notion of any outsider who is not a bdsm’er, has no personal knowledge of the intricacies of an M/s relationship, and has not, by their own admission, been a “victim” or a “survivor” of childhood abuse, laying out this supposed “expert” opinion on the mental health factor.
Because while I may now be strong, emotionally and mentally, I wasn’t always. I had those moments of doubt. And a lot of people who are inclined toward bdsm who are abuse victims or are partners of abuse victims struggle with this issue. And if one who has no experience in ANY of it can detail their opinion on how wrong it is to indulge in bdsm when there is a history of past abuse, then I, who has some experience with those factors, can detail why it’s okay.
I have a lot of emotion, anger, whatever you want to call it, with the fact that anyone tries to shame another out of practicing bdsm, and unfortunately, that’s a very common occurence, especially in the mental health field.
So!..lol. I don’t know if that addresses your point or not. The indifference, or closure, that I have for my own past is threatened when a stranger insinuates that I am, and always will be, damaged goods, up until I adhere to the strict standards of “healing” laid forth in a text book. I’m still being told that I’m “sick”. And yeah, that makes me angry.
We live in the same world, get our energy from the same source, and are all brothers and sisters. Therefore, I can understand the argument that we must look out for one another and stop injustices when we see them happening.
“tries to shame another out of practicing BDSM”
My take on this is that the person you quoted is speaking out of his depth. Without context, I assume from your post that you see this person as having authority (maybe a doctor or gov official -again, lack of context). And that this person can intimidate the vulnerable among us. Hence you ire.
Fair enough. It would be worthwhile to work out how to combat this type of situ for the community at large, but it’s beyond my bandwidth at the moment.
Please don’t misconstrue this as a judgment -I have no right or wish to pass any judgments (glass houses and stones figure prominently in my dreams from time to time).
Thanks for the thoughtful response to my comment.
that is supposed to be… YOUR IRE, not “you ire”.
I did not feel judged at all. I appreciated the chance to clarify. Thank you. :-)
Bravo kaya!
It’s so ironic finding this post after things coming up for me just last night. i couldn’t get my head around it enough to make an atriculate posting myself, i rambled. But reading your post i sat here nodding my head like a bobble doll!! You said it so well!
challenge
I was not raised in an abusive household, by conventional standards. If you took a deeper look, my father had a stranglehold on me from the time my mother left the house (she was fighting a drug addiction at the time and did not want to expose her children to it). I was made to be meek and submissive, obedient daughter in every way. I never spoke back, I never disobeyed. I was not allowed to the mall by myself until I was seventeen. I did not understand that other people my age did not behave that way because i was not allowed to be with them for long periods of time.
Wht happened to me when I moved out at age 21? Fierce, fierce independence. I wanted no help at all. I refused all money and assistance from my Dad, even when I lost my job. My independence bloomed when I met my Master when I was 17 (and He was 15! I’m a cradle robber!!!) He pushed me to be who I was, not who I was in relation to someone else. About eight months ago, we became D/s. Why my return to submission? It felt right. Was it a result of my relationship with my Dad? Maybe, but I don’t see a problem as long as I am happy and not in a life-threatening (as in, He seriously want to harm me without regards to my wellbeing, physical or mental) situation, there is nothing to ‘fix.’ I am NOT sick, god dammit. I hate it when they infantilize bdsm-types into someone who knows nothing about themselves or what’s best for them.
This is a reason why I consider you to be my goddess of BDSM. I love it when you make posts like this because it’s insightful and I learn a great deal from it. I also can relate to you on some level.
I have been emotionally and verbally abused via bullying. I haven’t turned to bdsm as this person claims because being verbally and emotionally abused makes me comfortable. I’m into bdsm because being helpless, restrained, and controlled in bed turns me on. My limitations are not being called certain names, especially with “stupid” attached to them. I don’t like to be called stupid. My fangs and claws will grow if I’m called stupid. Being called stupid doesn’t turn me on, it infuriates me because people called me stupid all the time when I was younger and treated me like I was some sort of dumbass.
And while I haven’t been physically abused in my past, I don’t want that happening in my life in general. Besides, I’m an entertainer for fun as well as money. I can’t afford to be marked.
Btw, can I post this on my sex journal on LJ? I will credit you.
Of course you can! :-)
Likewise, if what I were trying to do was remain in the “familiar” yard of abuse, I’d *want* to be held down and kissed.. and I don’t. And Master doesn’t.