“To achieve your goal you need to know and be able to utilize all the resources available to you.”
It all started when I was unpacking the DVDs. I began to brood over the word ‘utilize’.
I tease Master about having a DVD fetish, but the truth is – Master has a DVD fetish. He has somewhere in the neighborhood of more than 500 and less than 1,000. He has… lots.
One time several years ago, in a moment of extreme boredom, I alphabetized His DVDs. He found that to be a grandly wonderous thing. I found it helpful considering that I was usually the one searching for whatever movie He wanted to watch, but I also found it difficult to maintain. People (Master, kids, myself) would just stick a movie back wherever after they’d watched it, plus any new ones that He bought meant having to slide the whole mess of them over in order to make room in whatever letter section it was meant to be in. Often, after I’d spend an hour or so rearranging and realphabetizing, I’d walk into another room and find a forgotten pile of movies that needed to be put away. Eventually, it just fell by the wayside.
Now and then Master would remark how much He’d liked having those DVDs alphabetized. I know He liked it. The pro-active, eager-to-please side of me would occasionally consider doing it. The lazy side of me would promptly talk myself out of it. The stubborn side of me would think “well, then tell me to do it already!”
As I was unpacking the DVDs and thinking, jeez, if I’m going to alphabetize these things, now would be the perfect time to do it, was when the brooding began. I could not, cannot, figure out why, if He likes something done, He won’t TELL me that He likes it that way and to keep it that way. He has a perfectly willing slave right at His fingertips. It’s my daily goal to make His life easier, better, more pleasant, even when it comes to some silly little thing like an organized DVD shelf.
Now I *get* that just having Him say “oh hey! I like that!” should be enough of an “order” for me to do it. In most things, that is enough. I don’t always need specific commands to know what it is that I am supposed to do to keep things smooth and easy for Him. He doesn’t wake up every day and tell me to go make coffee and breakfast – I just do it. (Though I ask Him every morning what He wants for breakfast even though 99% of the time the answer is the same. But it seems important to me, and to Him, that I not ever begin to *assume* that I know what He wants for breakfast even if He does have the same thing almost every day.) I don’t stand there like a brainless idiot waiting to be told what to do, I am generally proactive and anticipatory of His likes and dislikes, wants, needs and preferences.
However – and this is why I did not alphabetize the DVDs when I unpacked them – sometimes, a slave just needs to hear it.
You know how a person in a relationship can know perfectly well and with all their heart that they are loved, but sometimes, you just need to hear an “I love you”? Sometimes it needs to be verbalized, said outloud, hearing with the ears what the mind and heart already know. It means something. And that’s where I was. I know I’m a slave and I know what His expectations of me are – but maybe now and then, I need to hear it. I need to know that I’m doing it because He told me to and not just because I wanted to do one more proactive thing on my own.
Perhaps I’m heading down a path that I shouldn’t. I don’t know.
I just keep thinking that some of these seemingly innocent, or even silly, protocols or routines, things that are generally prevalent during the early stages of M/s but that tend to disappear over time are far more important than one gives them credit for. At what point does what I do completely on my own and without direction from Master erode from M/s into just a helpful, loving wife taking care of her husband?
Could it be something as simple as M/s verbiage? Sure I can organize these DVDs without Master saying a word and know I’m doing something that He likes, which is satisfying to me in it’s own right. Or, I can be told that He expects me to organize those DVDs and to keep them that way, and each and every single time I put a DVD away I’m reminded by His words and His tone of why I am doing it and what my place is in this relationship, which is immensely more satisfying and serves to keep this relationship from degenerating into your standard vanilla marriage.
Am I His wife sleeping next to Him in bed or am I His property, chained and locked where He wants me to be? Am I His loving wife cooking His breakfast before work or am I His servant, taking His order and filling it as best I can? Am I His lover or am I His fuckdoll? His friend or His subordinate?
I may have a place in all of those roles. But one manner of treatment raises the expectations of one side, the other manner of treatment raises the other. It’s very difficult to maintain the expectations and headspace of property, servant, fuckdoll, when the treatment implies friend, wife and lover.
i999shadow wrote a piece on Fetlife a bit ago that kinda-sorta aligned with my thinking here. She titled it “She/he needs me, she/he needs me not”. I quote:
On the one hand, there is the strong belief in the slave/sub that is independent, confident, in control, has it all together, can handle anything, will take care of the partner and all their stuff, and works for a living. We sometimes refer to them as the ‘warrior slave’.
On the other hand, there is the needy, ‘fallen sparrow’ slave/sub that has issues and needs someone to straighten out their stuff, put them on track, keep their issues under control, take care of them as they take care of their partner, and cannot live WELL without someone in control. We often call them ‘trainwrecks’.
i have read threads where BOTH dynamics are discussed as to why they are needed, what they bring to a relationship.
i understand why there is a huge portion of the community that would WANT to allow their “Daddy Dom” parenting ‘my slave needs ME!” side to be fed by having a partner that leans on them (heavily).
i understand the flip side of people who will NOT date or partner with anyone that isn’t financially stable, emotionally secure, and can take care of themselves.
BUT****
Every now and then, this little voice in the back of my head says “Well HELL…. WHY would anyone that is happy, stable, financially secure, baggage free, totally in control, competent and stable need to have a TPE– and what the hell would the dominant find to control fer chrissakes??? Outside of playtime, what would that bottom/sub/slave have to turn over– and why would any top/dom/etc. WANT them to turn it over– after all, they are handling it just fine as it is, thank-you-very-much.
I find myself becoming more like the “warrior slave” and I find myself wondering the things in her last paragraph. What is there to control if I’m doing it all on my own? If I no longer need direction or commands or reminders – if I’m handling it all just fine, tyvm, outside of Him tying me down so He can make me cry, what are we morphing into?
Utilize! Utilize me.
*sigh*
Last night, I broached the subject. I’d been stewing on it and I know He’s not a mind reader so I simply asked Him.
Master? If You liked having those DVDs alphabetized, why don’t You just *tell* me to do it?
He was quiet for a little while; probably because He knows I never ask some out of the blue question like that without there being some huge “thing” fueling it.
So we discussed utilization. And we discussed expectations. We discussed roles and use and meaning.
And balance. I *am* here to be proactive and anticipatory. I can work very well on my own and make His life run smooth in the process. But when that gets out of balance? It erodes at the foundation of our M/s.
I don’t need to be chained in because I might wander off in the night.
What I need is that physical evidence.
I don’t need to wear a collar because my neck gets cold.
What I need is the visual reminder.
I don’t need to be told what to do because I’m brainless.
What I need is verbal reaffirmation.
And about those DVDs? Of course He wants them alphabetized. And kept that way. It sounds so small, and yet it’s so huge. Symbolism can be found in the strangest of places.
~cunt
Tags: M/s rambles
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday September 29th, 2008 9:22am
On the practical side –
Get some bookmarks and put them in a basket where the DVDs are kept. Whenever a DVD is pulled out (well, if you or the kids pull them out at least), put a bookmark where it goes. That makes it easier to put them back in the right place later.
(Your DVDs sound like our thousands of books.)
sparkle
That’s a good idea.
ya know what kaya….. you just verbalized (can you verbalize something when it is in writing?? oh hell you know what i mean !!) what has been rolling around in my head for the last few weeks/months…
i am so damn tired of hearing that a slave/sub who is properly trained just knows when/what to do and why……… BUT sometimes it is damn nice to have some affirmation of the whens and whats.. i get damn tired of serving in a vacuum…
you said it so well !!! i think i may (when the energy returns) do another piece on this.. and link to yours (of course !!)
one question.. did your Master “get it”??? do you think things will change/alter now??
morningstar (owned by Warren)
I don’t know. Honestly.
I felt like He did. The DVDs weren’t the only new things He decided to utilize so I’m hopeful.
Hopeful but not expectant. I do not allow myself to expect things anymore. Them’s dangerous waters to wade in.
My Master wants me to most of the time be the warrior slave, but also loves the needy, ‘fallen sparrow’ slave part of me — he needs someone who needs him.
I’m luck in this … because I’m very much the fallen sparrow at times.
In the years we have been together, I have had some very confusing times trying to figure out how to be the warrior slave — and still think like and be a slave.
I’ve recently broken through some of that … don’t ask me how, because even I don’t understand my own mental processes when it comes to the enslavement of me … but some rules from my Master have helped. One is that sometimes he’ll ask me to make him a cuppa tea … and I’ll say, “Yes, Sir, in a minute…” because I’m doing something, and then I’ll forget. I hated that our relationship had come to that — that I didn’t just jump up to serve him anymore, leaving everything undone. He hadn’t been too upset to wait a minute for his tea, as he’s a very kind and understanding man … but having the tea be completely forgotten was not okay, either. So now he asks me to make him tea, and I can say, “Okay, Sir, can it be in just a minute…?” and he’ll say that’s fine, but if he has to remind me more than once after that, then I will be punished.
Thus far, I haven’t had to be punished. Just knowing that there are rules around me, that hold me and support me, makes it easier for me to be the warrior slave that he would like. I just need to know that if I get confused about what kind of warrior I am, those rules will catch me, and I’ll get put right back into my place!
“I just need to know that if I get confused about what kind of warrior I am, those rules will catch me, and I’ll get put right back into my place!”
Yes! That’s it.
Thank you!
Oh, BTW, I organize my Masters *huge* DVD collection (what is up with Masters and needing to own every movie that ever came out?!) by genre. There’s the sci-fi and fantasy section, the animated section, the historical and old movie section, the Brit movies section, the BDSM/adult section, the romantic comedy section, the action/blow-y-up section, etc.
That way, if you in the mood for a certain kind of movie, you have all your choices at hand.
And it’s way, way, way more forgiving than alphabatizing, as you just need to know where the sections are, and just shove the DVD case back with it’s friends!
Sounds like a lot more work, but it could work well with the bookmarks thing listed above…. my bestfriend also has a DVD fetish and she developed a system that works great.
Get a 3 ring binder with paper and some small stickers (for the spines of the DVDs. Then number the DVDs and put them in number order. They don’t have to be alphabetized but whatever order you put them in now, will be the permanent order. Then write all the numbers with the matching Title in the binder one line at a time. Then when you get more DVDs just add them to the end of the stack, give them numbers and add them to the binder.
Kaya,
Amazing thoughts here. While you obviouslt put them in a Master/slave context, they could easily apply to any relationship. I see elements of this in my relationship with my students. I teach college, so on a certain level, I expect them to be capable of dealing with keeping up on their work on their own with no input from me. On the other hand, I think some of them, at least, want and need a certain level of, “the professor told me to do this,” from me. So, I have both practice problems and homework. Practice problems they get to do on their own, while the homework I tell them exactly what and when to do.
As for organizing the DVDs, I use this for my books (about the same n umber as His DVDs). Never fill a shelf from end to end. That way you have space to put new ones in the right place. While you will still have to reset the shelves at times, you make it less often than ecerytime you buy a new one.
Dave
this was fascinating to read. thanks for posting it.
it made me think a LOT about *me*.
Wow- you really have a gift in wording exactly what’s in my head. I’m going to show this to my Sir and hopefully it will spark the point I’ve been trying to get across.
Another thought on the videos is that instead of the ABC thing you could do it by Catagory. Might be easier to find then as well as not completely pain staking as the ABC method.
P.S. Please excuse my spelling and small stupid steps not to spell. Pain meds have caused my brain to go retard.
Another tip on organizing the DVDs: Get some sort of cardboard pieces to separate where one letter goes over to another (The kind that stick out a bit and say A, B, and so on, on the edge). Even the kids ought to be able to stick in a DVD under “T” or “M”, and while they might get jumbled under T (The Monkeys ending up before The Aliens), you’ll still find it. The space before A you use for movies whose name start with a number or other symbol, such as 24 Days.