“There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction”
I swear somedays I don’t know what I’m doing here. I look back over the archives and I think to myself “who the fuck wrote that?”
I don’t recognize the thoughts and feelings of that person anymore. I’m not HER.
Life is fluid, we grow, we change, we evolve.
I feel like I’m saying good-bye to masochism. I don’t miss it. I don’t want it. I have none of that deep desire that I used to have for pain. No cravings, no longing, no buried greediness.
It slipped away as quietly and unnoticed as my craving for cigarettes did.
I could be wrong, but I think Master’s desire for sadism is somewhere in the graveyard with my desire for masochism. He mentions it more than I do, laments that it doesn’t happen, but it seems more of a perfunctory announcement than a heartfelt acknowledgment of something missing.
But maybe he really does miss it. Terribly.
I don’t feel like it’s missing. I feel like it’s gone. And I’m not sad about that. At all.
THAT’S where I get… scared. I’m not bothered that it’s gone; I’m bothered that it’s gone and I don’t care that it’s gone.
Seems like I should be, huh? Something that defined me for so long, something I jumped through hoops to have, made sacrifices to find, worked so goddamn hard to get, just up and vanishes and I … don’t care?
Adios, amigos. Nice knowing you. ~waves~
That’s it?
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not distressed or depressed or unhappy. I guess that’s why I’m baffled. I AM happy and content. I’m in love, deliriously so.
If I had a magic wand there isn’t anything I would change about MY life right now. I might change other people’s problems, but nothing in mine.
I’m just.. satisfied. I like our routine, I like the service, I like the quiet backdrop of D/s that colors everything we do.
But, if something that used to be so important to me can so quietly fade away….
What if everything else can, too?
There’s a popular question that floats around among the bdsm crowd, a sort of limit-tester, designed to force no-limit slaves into admitting they have some. What if Master ordered you to go vanilla?
It’s all “oh he would never!” or “I would do whatever he said”.
But what if the tables are turned? What if the slave, through no conscious or deliberate desire just… loses it. Loses the drive and the desire and it all just slips away?
Where does that leave him?
Where will that leave me?
I hate change.
Tags: M/s rambles, pain
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday February 17th, 2009 11:48am
Sometimes, I think that my need for pain is necessary as a person. Those times, I wonder, if when all my major issues RELATING to the pain are resolved, and I am completely happy, will I still need it? Will it still appeal?
On a good day, I don’t want the pain. I am happy. But. It feels strange. Like I am dreaming that I am awake, and happy. Maybe you’ve just grown enough in your relationship to not need it.
It sounds like you are in a really good place. That’s a good thing! I keep a journal and sometimes when I read back through the old stuff, I think I’m a schizophrenic. Seriously, it is kind of scary how much my thoughts and feelings have changed over time. Things that consumed all my thoughts at one time, just aren’t important at all, while other things have taken the stage.
I was just thinking the other day about some of your old posts and it has been a really long time since you’ve sat at the little wood desk writing lines too.
Oh no, I hope this doesn’t mean that you’re growing up????? Say it isn’t so.
~smiling~
take care,
junebug
You shouldn’t hate change – embrace it!
humans are dynamic beings and we constantly change. Don’t fear those changes Kaya!
And if the desire for the D/s changes too – well you would probably be happy too if it happened as part of the natural progression of your relationship.
It is the relationships that can’t change that founder, if yours can change you will last!
I don’t know what I would do if my Master ordered me to be vanilla – part of me “needs” the pain, especially nipple pain, but if it was his order? I would be serving him by following those orders and being vanilla… /shrug – I just don’t know if I could do it though! in some ways it is an intrinsic part of me – who I am.
you know, your love shines through in your posts revel in that.
And while I am pretty new to this lifestyle, I love it… but one thing I do know, is that you can loose the desire for sex if you don’t have it often enough – you just kind of stop wanting it (having 4 children in under 8 yrs taught me that one lol – if I wasn’t pregnant I had a breastfeeding baby getting in the way).
Maybe the desire for kink/pain/bdsm does the same? stop experiencing it (or in the case of the Dom/Master/Sir stop inflicting it) and the desire to do so fades too?
So maybe you can get the desire back by “doing it” again, much like you can with sex?
sorry for the incoherent ramble here – am putting thoughts down as they occur to me
Ok. So. I never get into these discussions cause I don’t do this dynamic. But, this time I’m adding my 2 cent!!!! It seems to me you are comparing two questions that don’t work, that can’t be compared. “What if Master ordered you to go vanilla?” and “What if the slave, through no conscious or deliberate desire just… loses it.” Inside a dynamic where it’s ok for master to order such a severe life style change (going vanilla) it doesn’t seem like it’s even possible/allowed/etc for the slave to volunteer for vanilla. Guess I’m saying is, what’s it matter? Really? Especially since you started out by commenting on how you’ve changed over time/over time spent blogging.
In my experience as a Dom, submissives generally come in two types: positive and negative, i.e. the source of your submissive tendencies originates from either a positive place in your psyche or a negative. A positive submissive is a person who is confident, self-actualized, and chooses a level of service for the pleasure it delivers. A negative submissive is a person with no confidence, probably suffered from some manner of abuse (emotional and/or physical) and generally has no understanding of why they do what they do. Your descriptions suggest that yours is a negative ubmission, thus it’s loss is not a negative but a positive development in your life. Accept it as a positive development and know that your Master will have to decide if he is in love with you or your submission.
a comment like this has sooooo much chance of being taken the wrong way. You do realize that, don’t you mr. Dom?
O Domley One -
You are full of shit. Sorry to hijack your blog Kaya, but come on! OK, maybe that was not the most submissive of approaches…
In my experience as a submissive (which Mr. Domly One, is very different than being a pain slut) is that Doms come in many shapes, sizes and temperments. One who like you is all knowing and conveniently fits all submissives into two categories either 1) Has no experience with a full time submissive in a 24/7 relationship or 2) Has had experience and is now a very lonely man all by himself because he doesn’t understand the dynamics of human behavior and recognize that ALL people are unique.
~whew, ok, jumping off my soapbox now~
Good God, where do these people come from? Oh yeah, the internet!
love ya bunches Kaya!
junebug
Hahahahaha
This is exactly what I was thinking…
OK let me clarify….I totally agree that being submissive does not always go hand in hand with being a “pain slut” I also would never presume that there are two “reasons” for being a submissive..WHAT I agree with is that in many cases, people that are into pain come from a background of abuse which really saddens me. I believe you have mentioned this before kaya…Perhaps you are at peace with your past?
I am having a hard expressing my thoughts..I hope you know what I’m saying…
I thought Kaya was talking about her masochism, not her submission. They don’t have to go together.
Latebloomer
A slave, someone who is property, follows her owner into *whatever* relationship that owner would like to have, be it high protocol or vanilla.
We’re very much vanilla, compared to most others, and I believe firmly in the above. I am property. It’s not up to me to say what I want or not want in a relationship, not anymore. I follow him, and that’s my life. If he gives me rights, tells me to argue my opinions, tells me to be independent – then that’s what I’m going to do, because he wants it, he’s in control and he decides.
Where’s the line then? The line is that ultimately, in all things, he has the power and I do not. My rights are those he GIVES me, my independence is in areas he ALLOWS, my opinions are changable. I can’t leave, I’m his.
That’s why I view myself as property, and not slave. Slave entails so much, for the owner to do and control. Instead, I’m property because he tells me I am.
Apart from that, we’re just as we were before M/s. It’s just what is.
Kaya,
If you’ve “lost it,” then you lost it withing the last few days. Let me quote you from just 7 days ago.
“What is sex to you? Orgasms, pain, sweat, shower, nap. Not necessarily in that order.”
How about 15 days ago?
“And when he picked up the whip or whatever, I was just happy to stand there and take it.”
You posted pictures of a happy cunt with scars and welts deorating her body and there’s a video clip of your being whipped the next day at the clip store.
I don’t have to go back to the archives to find the pain loving little slut we all know and love. I think less has changed than you’re afraid has. I think you’re still our favoriye masochist, it’s just that your submission and masochism have found a balance. You’re content to wait for what He has to give you in pain. When he does (ala Feb. 2) you’re a happy camper. This isn’t losing it.
I honestly don’t think the masochism is gone from you any more than the sadism is gone from Him. True, you may not DO as much with those things as you used to, but I’m sure the desires are there. What has happened, IMHO, is that you both have a better handle on the desires that keeps oyu from the angst of missing it when circumstances (kids at home, etc.) prevent you from letting the desifres loose as much. his is a change, true, but it’s not a change to be feared. That’s growth and maturing, a much to be desired change. Can I borrow some maturity? ;)
Dave
Kaya, all life is flux, and your sexuality is no different. When I was 16, I thought I was straight and said I’d never do that kinky stuff — including anal sex!!! Obviously, I’m in a quite different place now! And I’m in a different place now than when I was 26, as well. Hell, I’m in a different place than I was last year — not a huge change, but a not one you can dismiss, either!
If I were to hazard a guess, I’d say you’ll make it back around to being a big ol’ pain-slut again. When it’s the right time. But of course the worst thing you can do is worry at it and stress about it.
If you and Master S. are happy, then sit back and enjoy it, and this stage you are now in will change again (probably just as soon as you’ve got used to it!) ;)
Don’t forget that you’ve had some huge changes in your life recently (moving to the middle of nowhere, becoming a grandma, etc.) and a whole lot of stress too (I’ll not bring up the examples, as I’m sure you remember them all too well!) and those things do effect people and by extension the relationships people have. You’ve just had lots of big storms … maybe right now just some smooth sailing, without the drama of masochistic lusts, is understandably attractive to you…?
If you are happy, and Master S. is happy, I can’t see how anything can be wrong!
“I was jazzed. He coulda whipped me for the next 3 hours and I’d have still begged for more.”
This was you on February 2nd.
“I feel like I’m saying good-bye to masochism. I don’t miss it. I don’t want it.”
This is you on February 17th.
You know what you are feeling (or not feeling)better than anyone, and you are right…if it could disappear so easily with no fanfare, it does seem to put the integrity of all feelings into question. But more likely, it is just your lot in life to ride a roller coaster where both the crests & the troughs are wonderfully (and equally) satisfying.
I have to say that my desires on a bdsm level have changed very little over fifty+ years, and I do not expect them to take a nose dive in the future. They don’t seem to be related to what type of relationship I am having, and are within me, expressed or not, utilized or not. Thanks for showing us once again how different we all can be.
I’m going through a similar situation. It’s like someone inexplicably flipped a switch that turned off all of my interest in kink and made vanilla sex more enticing. Being kinky in the bedroom feels like a chore, BDSM porn does nothing for me, and the thought of using sex toys seems silly and slightly repulsive. My preferred method of fucking these days is, no joke, missionary sex with the lights out because it seems incredibly erotic to me at the moment.
I struggled with this change for a long time. I felt guilty for not being kinky and stupid for preferring something so sexually “boring”. But then I realized that there was little point in beating myself up (no pun intended) over it. Why should I mourn the loss of my kinky feelings? As long as my partner and I are both sexually satisfied, then what difference does it make whether we used “vanilla” methods or kink to get there? I stopped worrying, embraced my current needs, and now just sit back and enjoy the ride.
As for finding an explanation why this happened, in my case, I think a large part of it is the fact that I have been in a relationship for over six years with a wonderful, loving partner. We spent six years exploring sex and kink with each other to the point where it doesn’t feel like there’s much left to explore. I’m not sure I’d label it burnout (even if it does sound like that). It’s more like we reached a point in our sexual relationship where we just want the intimacy from sex and don’t need the theatrics of kink to achieve that (that sounds smug, but it’s not intended that way. I don’t think our sexual intimacy would be as deep if we didn’t spend years exploring various aspects of sex together). This has left me wondering if my kinkiness would suddenly rush back with a vengeance if I had a new partner, but that’s a question to be left in the theoretical realm, as I’m not willing to give up monogamy to find out the answer.
I’m going to go out on a limb here, because I’m normally all “go with the flow — accept the changes — lower your expectations — be happy where you are” girl.
FIGHT IT!!
I didn’t, & OMFG my life is so goddamn boring right now my eyeballs are pealing, & I can’t figure out how to change it now. I don’t even know if it’s possible.
Fuckin hell.
That’s peeling. Not pealing.
Kaya you are so real and so unreal at the same time .I have been together with my wife for 30 years the last 3 have been dom sub and I’m gona tell you right now what you feel today is NOT what you’ll fell tomorrow next week or next year if you dont flow and enjoy the changes you will drive yourself nuts. Embrace the changes for who knows what tomorrow will bring. Besides isn’t it fun being able to get off with or without pain?
>O Domley One -
I guess you took my posting a bit personal. Sorry but it wasn’t directed to you.
>You are full of shit.
Again with the sanctimony. You know nothing about me or the subs that I’ve been with, so who are you to question my experiences? They differ from yours? Shocking, that, but certainly no reason to get your granny panties in a wad.
>In my experience as a submissive (which Mr. Domly One, is very different than being a pain slut)
I don’t believe that I mentioned pain sluts, but go ahead…
>is that Doms come in many shapes, sizes and temperments.
How many have you had? Sounds like quite a few.
>One who like you is all knowing and conveniently fits all submissives into two categories
My statement was that generally they fit into two basic catagories, yes. You’re welcome to state otherwise but you have no reason to become so defensive.
>1) Has no experience with a full time submissive in a 24/7 relationship
If you’d asked, I would have told you that my sub wife and I just celebrated out 11th wedding anniversary as such a couple.
>or 2) Has had experience and is now a very lonely man all by himself because he doesn’t understand the dynamics of human behavior and recognize that ALL people are unique.
Again with the defensive. Why would a simple comment on a blog cause you to react so strongly? Are you wound that tightly or do you always attack first? Or is it possible that I hit a bit uncomfortably close to home for you? Perhaps you’d care to explain specifically why most submissive people, men or women, do not fit into those two categories? It appears that you’d rather hurl insults than advance the discussion. Your smug attitude is counterproductive to any valuable discussion and simply demonstrates your lack of understanding of the nature of power exchanges. Give us the benefit of your learning. Which psychological studies have you read? Or are you simply giving us your own personal experiences instead of empirical data?
>whew, ok, jumping off my soapbox now~
…and not a moment too soon.
>Good God, where do these people come from? Oh yeah, the internet!
Which, I believe, is where you originated and will hopefully return.
Hmmm….once again I’m feeling like we were seperated at birth…but, yeah…my current ‘phase’ for bdsm is cooling off somewhat too. It might reignite somewhere down the track or it might not.
Embrace the change, that’s all we can do.
k
It could be a longer than normal down cycle.
I mean Master and I are in a down cycle. We’re neither of us interested anything remotely even sexual much less BDSM or pain play or any of that business.
We’re just enjoying our M/s relationship with all of the submission and none of the other stuff.
It happens. Sometimes it comes back and sometimes it doesn’t. We liken it to a bucket that gets full and stays full until something tips it over. Usually what tips it over is unexpected but when it tips and that bucket is empty, we are more than happy to fill it to the brim with kink again.
Kitten
You have been in the same mindset before kaya hon. It will change, the moment He wishes it to.
r
the first thought in my mind over all of this is “does this happen to all of us?”
but this isn’t a time for me to be selfish, instead i want to give you a little bit of something that might make this easier on you…
the reason most turn to the bdsm life, it’s because of a pain they’re carrying inside them. the masochist needs to feel the external pain to mask their internal pain, to hide from it. whips and chains, cuffs and collars, it’s all a means to cover up what went before. many sind deeper into all this because the pain reminds them of the abuse and makes them feel at home.
but unlike so many others you’ve turned the bdsm life into your own form of therapy. you took the pain, you took it all, and while you were the one being whipped, you were the one in control. you found your center.
you walking away from this life isn’t you quitting, it’s you healing. you’re strong enough now that you don’t need it, and the one you called master was the one who held your hand through this.
feeling bad about not feeling worse is not a bad thing either, it’s all part of ending your therapy. when all is said and done, the goal of any kind of therapy is to not need it any more.
@HouseWench – I’ve been thinking much the same thing about myself. And while I’m totally fine with it – I’m not so sure Master is, yanno?
@junebug – Maybe it does mean I’m growing up! I sure feel old somedays..lol
@Palus’s Sub – losing the desire as a result of not getting it is certainly one of my theories, too. I almost hope that is it because I *like* that theory better than the others. ;-)
@miss leya – I guess the reason it matters is because whereas in one scenario I’d be obligated to follow HIS changes, in the other scenario, he is not obligated to follow MINE. And that worries me.
@Mathonwy – I’m not entirely sure I disagree with you. I suspect that some people are reacting to your choice of wording (such as categorizing submissive into only two categories, “negative submissive”, “no confidence”, etc. etc.) but your basic theory isn’t dismissable *in my case*. I’d caution against trying to throw everyone in there with me though – as you can see, people do hate to be categorized. ;-)
But, in my case, I think it is entirely possible that this change is a positive one *for me* – and in fact, it *feels* positive. However, it may not be a positive change for my relationship necessarily. And therein lies the root of my angst.
I also want to make sure that you are separating my submission from my masochism, as another commenter pointed out. I don’t equate the two, I find them to be entirely separate facets of me. I have, it seems, lost my masochism, but am still going strong in the submissive department. For now. Unless of course you were following my projected path of worry that if I lose one, I stand to lose anything, including submission.
I am not sure, though, that love factors in. Not entirely. Meaning, if Master should choose not to continue in this relationship (god forbid) then it wouldn’t necessarily be a lack of love so much as a lack of compatibility. I liken it to one half of a married couple suddenly realizing/coming out as being gay. It wouldn’t necessarily indicate a loss of love between them should they split, but a difference in life’s path I guess. If I have indeed lost interest in masochism yet Master remains a sadist — I don’t know.
@DaddySin – I do know what you are saying and it’s possible you are right. I’m not sure (yet), but I’m leaning that way.
@SixThreeFive – do you think then, that if *I’m* the one “going vanilla” and Master simply orders me not to, or doesn’t allow it – by say, forcing beatings, etc. etc. that, as his slave and his property, I should quietly obey and accept, as you have accepted the almost opposite orders? Do you think that’s possible, even?
@Dave and suze, since you both brought up that last scene – I cannot argue at all with my words then. But I do know the difference in feelings that perhaps I’m not expressing well here.
I enjoyed that play. But I had no *desire* for it. Had it not happened, had it been nothing but watching him play with others, interacting with our friends, just being there… I’d have been just as perfectly content.
I still enjoy a little pain mixed with my sex. But it doesn’t *have* to be there as it once did. I don’t seek it out – I don’t CARE if it happens – or not. Thats not to say that I hate it when it happens, I’m just very blase. Which is an extremely far cry different attitude than I have ever had about it in the past. I used to frequently hurt myself whenever Master could/would not just to get my fix. I don’t even remember the last time I hurt myself, or really even wanted to masturbate.
@Zille Defeu – thank you. A reminder of things I get used to (major life changes) can put things into perspective. So maybe.. just maybe.. all is not lost? ;-)
@Tirade – “we just want the intimacy from sex and don’t need the theatrics of kink to achieve that” That has a ring of truth to it, only I might go ahead and label it burnout, for me anyway. I do very much feel a sort of “been there, done that” heaviness when I think of doing kinky shit. So maybe.. a nice long break from it.. I dunno.
@Sinn – But even if I wanted to, I can’t. We’re so stuck right now with his job and the shit with the kids and.. fuck me.. I’m so *tired* of it. Blah.
@Satcomdude – Today it is hard to imagine next week or next year. *shrug* I drive myself nuts on a daily basis. I have little else to do. ;-)
@subtle – I’m curious – how does your Master deal with your cooling off phases? How do you deal with his method of choice for dealing with you?
@Kitten – do you and your Master tend to cycle at the same time though? What happens if you don’t, if you are down and he is up?
I like the bucket analogy.
@rosie – I sure hope so. :-)
@exile – you could be right. I’m not in a place where I’m convinced either way, but I am leaning toward your theory. The problem with it is that maybe Master is not on board with it. Which is worrisome. Not even so much that he’ll up and dump me because I really don’t think that will happen no matter what. But it does become a question of his happiness and satisfaction too. Just because *I* may be done – doesn’t mean he is. :/
hmmmm… well, have you thought about switching? perhaps you can try holding the whip, never know, you might become a “dom dom” couple.
@SixThreeFive – do you think then, that if *I’m* the one “going vanilla” and Master simply orders me not to, or doesn’t allow it – by say, forcing beatings, etc. etc. that, as his slave and his property, I should quietly obey and accept, as you have accepted the almost opposite orders? Do you think that’s possible, even?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that anything is possible. See, when we started, me and my Owner, what I wanted was very much what I saw in your blog: the discipline, the masochism, the play, the external (asking for permission, etc). I didn’t believe that M/s could be accomplished without any external stuff whatsoever.
Yet, my Owner’s turned me around so much, that I very much believe that he’s in control, despite the fact that I have like loads and loads of independence.
So my belief, which may or may not be yours or others, would be that if Scott forced beatings, and did other things, eventually you’d start craving it. How many times hasn’t he done something you hated, that later you started to crave?
For me, sucking cock was one of those things, one of the few issues my Owner has forced. I had a horrible time with gagging, and my Owner kept forcing me to do it, and eventually there was a mental shift in my head, where I began to accept what he did, and try find something about it to enjoy, and then in the end love it.
The exact same process happened with how he wants our relationship to work. A lot of the time, I say that my Owner rules me by not doing things. He does not ask me to sit on the floor, or kneel, or ask permission, or whatever. He expects that I will submit completely to what he wants, in all things, the way he wants it. That he need not do something specific, or not do something, or change, to be a Master. It is *my* job to change, not his. It took me well over a year to accept what he wanted and that I had no choise in the matter, and begin to live WITH it, and eventually love it for what it is – us. Wants change, and you can change them to whatever you like. It’s the wants vs. needs debate.
To me (and I keep empathizing that these are my personal beliefs), this is what slavery is at it’s very core. That our Owners, this other person, decides what they want and we change accordingly, with their help and with a lot of effort from ourselves.
So what I see, is perhaps that you are falling deeper into the mental and emotional aspects of being property, rather than the external. The acceptance you talk about, if he forces beatings, is submission. He wants it, you submit. My Owner has asked me to never sound like I’m in pain when he spanks or beats me, so my focus is in transforming an “OUCH! OW! FUCK!” reaction into “Mmm… do it again”-moan. As a masochist, he means, I should feel pleasure from pain. I submit to that want and that defenition.
On the other hand, there’s a lot – A LOT! – going on in both your lives right now, with Jes and all. Perhaps you’re still emotionally reeling from that, and at the moment, sex is far far away from your thoughts and feelings. Things always bleed into eachother. If you’re feeling turmoil in one area, another is going to feel it too. Once it’s all calmed down, and that may or may not take a year or two, it sorts itself out.
The solution then, to your angst, is to talk to Scott and see how he feels about sadism, and your situation, and you being blase about it all. I can’t believe I just said that. Blah. I’m soo sure you’ve done the “talk to him” bit. I guess, I’m just trying to tell you that you need to listen carefully, and perhaps the two of you need to analyse each others beliefs and thoughts and feelings, with pointed and detailed questions, and then analyse both of you together. Eh. Confusing sentense.
It seems to be that the gist of your angst is “But… what if he doesn’t want me or love me or isn’t attracted to me, when I’m not a masochist, when I don’t actively crave it?” And that’s a question only he can answer.
I really hope I’m putting this in words in a good way. It’s rather muddled in my mind, more a set of sensations and pictures and emotions, that worded beliefs. Ask me to clarify, if I’m confusing.
Actually, are you sure you’re not trying to mold yourself into what you think a Granny should be? That just hit me. Think carefully about what you think you should be, in all areas of life. Assumptions and expectations are our most “evil” and sneakiest beliefs.
Kaya,
I think I see what you’re saying with the difference in the feelings that go with the pain. If that’s the case, and the desire/need for the pain isn’t nthere any more, then you might be right. That isn’t necessarily a problem. As you said, you were just fine with the pain, even though you didn’t need it. So if Scott’s sadism is still intct, you won’t have a problem with being the recipient of his sadistic urges. The problem will only come if you start having problems with the pain. If recieving pain starts to squick you out or, God forbid, make you feel like you’re being abused, THEN you and Scott have a problem.
Dave
Sweetie:
You’ve said it yourself before. There’s no hard and fast rule for BDSM and there’s no hard and fast rule about what it takes to be married and happy.
Right now, I’m glad you’re happy. And it sounds like S. could be happy too. He may be lamenting but he’s not pushing.
I think what you’re feeling is perfectly okay, and perfectly normal.
Love you, hun!
PS. So we had a class topic on sexual issues in counseling and someone did an article report on the influx of fetish talk in couples counseling (BDSM, incest, and bestiality are on the rise from what I hear). It was interesting to see how people reacted. Granted, I’m not sold on the final two. I really don’t like bestiality but I think I could explore it with someone, help them deal with whatever thoughts they needed to process. Others in my class….not so much.
We don’t always cycle at the same time. If we aren’t cycling at the same time, he’ll still top me if I’m getting out of line from not being spanked or beaten and if I can’t focus for need of kink, but I can tell his heart isn’t in it. It’s just maintenance kink. If I’m down cycling and he’s not, then he will usually use me anyway if he wants and while usually that turns me on, it totally does NOT when I’m in a down cycle so there’s usually some huffing and pouting on my part, but I get over it in a couple of hours and we get on with our day.
For the most part, Master respects my downcycles and I respect his and honestly, we’ve found, that if we both aren’t into it and not being into it isn’t the sexy kind of not being into it, but the REAL, “I’m really not into this”, then doing it anyway isn’t fun… do we usually don’t.
Wow, I miss my blog.
Seriously, as soon as we get done moving next week, I’m bringing it back.
I will recommend not to hold off until you earn enough cash to order different goods! You can just get the credit loans or term loan and feel fine