The questions are diamonds you hold in the light. Study a lifetime and you see different colors from the same jewel.”
If your Master didn’t like your kids and decided they should go live somewhere else without you, could you live with that decision? could you give up the kids for Him?
That’s a HARD question. Boy, go right for the jugular! 
I guess there are two schools of thought here. One would be the automatic slave answer (and I imagine a computer generated voice, like when you try to call the cable company) which would be “I would do whatever Master wished me to do.” The thing about that answer is there is no thinking behind it. It’s the standard answer that the slave gives to everything, right?
Then there is the proper mother answer that goes “HELL NO! I’d never give my kids up for a man, Master or no Master!”
I’m stuck somewhere in the middle of those two answers. Lord knows I love my kids more than anything. I’ve worked and sacrificed and struggled to give them what they need, and some of what they want. I worry about their future, I lament about their past, mistakes play over and over in my mind and I’m constantly questioning myself on whether or not I’m “doing it right”. Exactly like most every other parent in the world.
But I also remember being alone. I also know what an amazing connection I have with him. The idea of losing that is… devastating. So sometimes, in my darkest heart, when I ask myself, ’what if’- what if he, for some reason, made it a choice. Him or the kids? *sigh*
I guess it would depend a whole lot on the reason. If there was no reason, if it were something as ridiculous as being tired of the inconvenience or whatever, that ultimatum would color my opinion of him so badly that there would be no real choice to make. Of course I’d leave him and stay with my kids. I signed on with them for 18+ years and I’m prepared for 18+ years.
But. If there was a legitimate reason? Say one of my kids went psycho and Master was afraid for his life. Or, if one became a drug addict and we were putting up with them stealing from us, drugs in the house, wild parties. Or any other reason that made that sort of request a reasonable thing to consider, then yes, I’d probably choose Master over my child.
Since you and your master have a foot difference in height, I was wondering whether this ever caused any problems in any regard? Does this preclude any sort of positions or other general bodily arrangements or lead to preferences for others? My girlfriend and I are in a similar situation.
The only thing that is difficult to impossible is trying to fuck standing up. Especially in the shower. We do manage it, but it’s an exercise in speed-fucking. He has to squat and I have to tiptoe as high as I can, and our old muscles get to quaking pretty quickly. And, like the one commenter said, kissing while fucking in missionary position is awkward, but not impossible. In fact, he is often nibbling and sucking on my nipples during missionary sex, though how he contorts himself in that manner is beyond me.
Mostly though, I find his size to be a benefit. Not only does he make me feel tiny and weak (and therefore more submissive) simply by hugging me or holding my hand, it’s handy to have a tall man around the house! I can’t reach anything on the top shelves or things in the way back of the cupboards! Plus, he’s the perfect height for fucking me on the edge of our bed (me lying, him standing) and when we walk, my hand aligns perfectly with his crotch to cop a feel (though I did have to learn to stop swinging my arms when I walk *snicker*), When I kneel in front of him, it’s like kneeling before a God. He towers over me, peers down at me.. *swoon*, it makes me feel so small and insignificant, plus, that’s good dick sucking position too. I can kneel and he can be standing and it’s great alignment for penis to mouth. ;)
Do you still have difficulty kissing your master? How does he react to this?
I do. I think it’s just something I’m always going to have. One of those childhood gifts that keeps on giving. He’s accepted it, frankly. He no longer takes it personally and he’s stopped doing it in the manner that triggers me wrong.
I can kiss, and I can enjoy it, it just has to be done in a certain way. It can’t be a sneak attack, I have to know it’s coming. I have to have just a second to set my mind right. So he simply tells me “I’m going to kiss you now.” I know that sounds so incredibly UNromantic, but it’s really not if it’s done right. Like, I’m fine with pecking so we’ll be doing that, and he’ll just sort of murmur that he’s going to kiss me now. It’s not so bad.
It also has to be somewhat short. No marathon french kiss, or I’ll literally think I’m suffocating and dying. I forget how to breathe when I’m being kissed. Strange.
I’m sure he wishes it didn’t have to be like that, but what are ya gonna do? *shrug*
Thursday March 20th, 2008 9:32am 
The questions are diamonds.
Kaya, your answers are fascinating, thank you dear girl.
I still read your every post.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
“I’m going to kiss you now.”
That doesn’t sound unromantic at all…I say that to my pet all the time, just to watch that little quiver of anticipation she gets right before I do so.
When Master and I were a new couple, I was still so easily triggered that it was like “I’m going to touch your backside now. I’m going to move my hand to your vaginal area now… I’m going to kiss you now… ”
Tiny little chunks of information about what he was about to do to keep me at ease and OK with everything. It did get better. Now nearly 7 years later, I can deal with the sneak attack kiss, but 3 years ago, I couldn’t have.
I actually went to a presentation at school called “Can I Kiss You?” and it was about the importance of asking before doing something. The presenter really made it sound like a hot idea.
Hmm…. I think the tongue-kissing thing I’ll always have trouble with. For me, it’s just like “making love” – it’s too emotional, too intimate, too naked and vulnerable… there’s simply too much emotion and the only way I can handle it is by crying (softly, usually).
It’s the emotional equalent of someone continuing to touch your clit after a good, hard orgasm. It’s simply Too Much.
Sometimes I wish I could… :-/ It’s supposed to move mountains and crap, and I want to feel that… I just don’t. It’s just … raw, to me. In a beautiful way.
If it is not too much to ask, why do you have difficulty kissing your Master?
That is the most honest, and completely logical answer to the Master or kids answer I’ve ever seen. It makes perfect sense as well.
This is the thing that sets you apart from the others, and it’s why you are so trusted and loved. We may not always agree with your thoughts or ideas, but we respect that you live the lifestlyle the way it fits for you and by your truths.
i do have a question for you and a rather important one (in my selfish mind). ::grin:: Were you in a Master/slave dynamic when your children were young? How did you manage to bring them up in a D/s household, yet still keep them far far away from it? i am a slave and have a 3 year old son. Although Master and i have decided not to move in with each other, (to “protect” my son from BDSM- neither of us believe that we should tell him who to be) i am rather curious as to how it can be done. How can you show your Master that you are His without bringing attention to it? How do you get away from the kids (when they are smaller)to do scenes and such? i suppose what i am really asking is how do you keep the dynamic strong while keeping it hidden? Thanks! Btw- i love your blog…i only found it about a month ago and have already devoured your past entries!