The Measure of a Man
Recent discussions surrounding nature and manhood have gotten me to thinking about what it is that makes a man. What is it that causes people to think “Now there walks a fine man!”
Since I can only draw on my own experiences, I can only dissect the manliness of the men who play a significant role in my life. This is bound to be long, possibly non-sensical. I tend to do that.
~~*~~
Dad – my first male influence: My dad could be plunked in the middle of the wilderness, like Survivorman, and come out a month later, exhilarated and ready to go again. He’s a countrified, beer-drinking, Harley-loving, hard-working, patriotic good ol’ boy.
At 18, he enlisted in the Marines. Did one tour in Vietnam, made it out alive. Volunteered for another tour and was sent home, minus an internal organ or two. He came home to an unfaithful wife who left him shortly after.
She left him, abandoning three boys under the age of 4, leaving them to him to raise. One of the boys he knew for a fact wasn’t his, one he was pretty sure wasn’t his, and one he thought might actually be his.
He was around 23 or 24 years old.
He didn’t pansy around with paternity tests like some men might have, or dump the kids on someone else. He bought a house, got a job and settled about taking care of business.
40 years later he still doesn’t know with any certainty if any of those boys are biologically his, nor does he care. Fatherhood, he says, isn’t determined by genetics alone.
A few years after his wife left, he met my mother. She was 31 years old, recently divorced and raising six kids of her own. When they got married, my dad was 29 years old.
29 years old, and the father-figure to nine kids ranging in age from 6 to 16. Eight of whom, or maybe even all nine, were not biologically his.
He worked a factory job that started at 5am. For 40 years. He often picked up side jobs, after work and weekends, farm work mostly, for extra money. He bought an old, rickety, scheduled-to-be-demolished farmhouse because it was cheap; a house that I used to hate and was ashamed of as a kid, a house with holes in the floor, no furnace, pipes that froze in the winter and a leaky roof.
Then he rebuilt it. By himself. ALL by himself, while we lived in it. After work and on weekends, wall by wall, floor by floor. That house that they bought for less than 10 grand would probably appraise for 10 times that now. The house that had a dead racoon in one of the bedrooms at our first walk-through was pieced together– hand-painted board by hand-painted board, over a span of almost 30 years, and never once has any workman or hired help set foot in it.
The house was, and is still, heated by wood. Wood that he chops, splits, and stacks by himself. Has done so by himself for the last 30 years.
He’s 62 now, retired from the factory but still working 40 hours on a buddy’s farm. He’s still fixing odd bits of that house. He flies an American flag every day, a Marine flag, and a POW/MIA flag.
A purple heart hangs in a case on the wall, right next to several etchings of his dead friends names taken from the Vietnam Wall.
Does he measure up to being a man? Has he earned his manhood?
I’ll tell you one more thing about my dad before you decide that.
He is NOT the dominant partner in my parent’s marriage. Hasn’t been since the day they met. My mother is.
Oh, not in any formal way, I don’t think. Nothing labeled or practiced in the way that Master and I do. Probably, if asked, my mother would hasten to assure you they have an equal partnership.
But they don’t.
My mom calls the shots and runs the show. My dad is happy to let her. She controls the money, she controls his time, where he spends it and what he does. She tells him when he’s had enough to drink. She dictated the acceptable employment he could take, the hours he could work, the friends he could have. She plans, or unplans, his free time.
She is ‘The Boss’.
Is he still a man? Does he still measure up?
~~*~~
Ex-husband: my second male influence. This account will be much shorter than the first. 
My ex-husband is your typical red-neck man’s man. He’s quite well known in the area we grew up, got married and had our kids in. He’s tv’s Cheers’ Norm character, the one everyone calls out to when he walks in any of the local taverns.
In high school he lettered in wrestling, raced a souped-up ’57 chevy at the drag strip on Saturday nights, snuck beer out of his dad’s garage.
He watches Nascar, follows football. He’s rough and tough, never backs down from a fight. He’s the one you want on your side in a dark alley. A scrapper, mean and stocky.
Lovable guy in the bar though. Plays poker in the backroom, shoots pool like a pro. He’s the party-guy, the DJ, center of attention, seems to pull people to him like a magnet. He knows where to get “things”.
He’s a lady’s man, God only knows why. Women and the irresistable pull of the “bad boy”, the one they are going to tame. Lord knows I fell for it. The one that you want only because everyone else wants him too. I remember those nights in the bars after we were married, when he was really getting into DJ’ing. There were two ways that women looked at him. One was that lustful stare, you could almost see them planning how to move in for the kill. The other look was smug, aimed more at me than him. Those girls had already had him and they wanted me to know it.
Certainly by most accounts in that crowd, he measured up to manhood. He had all the right manly hobbies and abilities, he certainly advertised his manly sexual adventures. Other men were openly envious, women were openly enticed.
He definitely ruled his roost, ruled me. He was ‘The Boss’.
A man? I suppose they thought so.
Of course they didn’t know him as I did. As I still do.
They didn’t know he often gambled away his paycheck before diapers or groceries. Or that he liked to “talk” more with his fist than his mouth. They weren’t there when the house was foreclosed on or to watch the car be repossessed.
They probably didn’t know that he skipped his daughter’s first Christmas for a dart tournament, or that he passed out in a chair at the hospital- watching his second daughter being born through a drunken haze.
They can’t know that he continuously misspells his son’s name or that he argued, incorrectly, with his daughter over when her birthday was.
I’m sure the little chippy he lives with thinks he’s a man. I wonder, sometimes, what body part he uses to talk to her. I figure that’s her mess, but she’s a nice girl and I know the spell she’s under… and I wonder.
~~*~~
Master: saved the best for last, I did. The final male influence.
Sometimes I think Master has more in common with my 13 year old son than with the other “men” in my life. He plays xbox, he plays star wars miniatures, he sneaks up behind people to scream “BOO!”, he rolls around on the floor with the dog.
He plays hide and seek with the dog, for that matter.
He likes to go sledding, he still thinks cookies and milk are yummy, he cries at sappy movies (and then tries to hide it) and wants ice cream before bed.
He whines when he’s sick. And admits it.
He doesn’t posture, or chest-beat. He doesn’t pick fights, is a peacekeeper over an instigator. He doesn’t really care for the bar scene, male-bonding, “scoring” women, or sports.
No sports. Like, at all.
He wears glasses, reads more than he talks, keeps his hair well-trimmed, dresses in khaki pants and button-down shirts and is fiercely protective of his sister.
Not your typical he-man behaviors?
He also has stepped up where another man has stepped down. Taken on 3 kids, 3 often-ungrateful, sometimes un-loveable, always-difficult teenagers that he is not obligated to take care of.
He works, 5, sometimes 6 and 7, days a week, 12 to 14 hours a day. In the cold, the wind, he comes home dirty and tired, yet he always has time for conversation and hugs.
He insists that “his” kids have the best, from cell phones to clothes, to love and opportunities. Yet, he balances it out with making sure they learn the value of earning what you have, caring for your possessions, responsibility for your actions.
He’s educated, brilliant in many things. He’s strong, big – both in size and personality. He’s outgoing, friendly, humble (mostly), has nothing to prove to anyone, ever.
He took me out of a place where I was wasting away and put me in a place where I thrive and grow. He’s bettered me, taught me, improved me- in more ways than I can list.
He’s stable and solid, predictable, forceful but not overbearing, dominant but not domineering, keeps me in my place while simultaneously lifting me up.
He is, also, The Boss.
Is that what makes a man? Being The Boss(tm)?
If it’s being dominant that measures a man, is my ex-husband just as much, or as good of, a man as Master?
If so, does that mean Master’s xbox war fighting trump my dad’s purple heart, if only because Master dominates what my dad submits to?
Are my dad’s accomplishments negated because he is in the role of the “submissive” husband?
Certainly there are men that I know that other people find to be the epitome of manliness who I find dispicable, worthless (like my ex, for instance).
Sometimes I compare Master to my dad -probably a lot of girls do, how can you not compare the differences between the two most powerful men in your life?
It is only occasionally that, when mentally comparing the two, Master comes up short. Usually that’s when I’m outside shovelling or hauling in groceries, thinking how my dad would never make my mom do this, that it would violate his sense of male chivalry or some such thing – you know, those times when I catch myself thinking more like a wife than a slave.
I’ve never compared them on a dominant level. Never found my dad to be lacking in manliness based on being the meeker of the two, never scored Master as “more manly” because he *is* dominant.
I compare actions, I suppose. I score integrity, honor, commitment. I value character, morals, ethics…
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” -Martin Luther King Jr.
My dad stood in front of a grenade.
Master stands up for me and my kids.
One is dominant, one is submissive – both are men.
My dominant ex-husband?
Is a waste of oxygen.
*nods*
Tags: general, rambles, reflection
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Thursday January 29th, 2009 10:19am
Well.
I’m officially in love with you.
(I wonder if Antonio is gonna be pissed? Nah…)
Awesome post. You take an idea and knock it out of the park with alarming regularity, and that’s all I can say before collecting my thoughts.
(Take a minute and ponder what it takes to leave ME at a loss for words!)
~Chloe
“Take a minute and ponder what it takes to leave ME at a loss for words!”
LOL
Power. I has it.
This is so excellent. Srsly. One of the favorite things i have read – ever.
Made me all weepy, too – ya beezy.
aww! I’m sorry I made you weepy!
But I do like being called a “beezy”. I don’t know what it means but I like it anyway.
Ooo.. my bad – i spelled it wrong (according to Urban Dictionary anyway)!
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=beezie&defid=2681
:*
We use it as a fonder term than biz-natch around here.
Oh, wow, kaya! This is your best post ever. EVAR! I’d like to take you out and buy you a chocolate martini for this!
It gets very frustrating to like you more and more and more, while being so far away from you and thus not able to hang out. Not fair!
Then it’s settled. You must come here. I will shovel you a path.
This was very well put.
Thank you Heidi.
[...] on. Kaya has written an eloquent essay on the nature of manhood and its relationship, if any, to dominance. She says there’s more [...]
Wow…just wow….you have been blessed with such wonderful examples of manhood and you can both see and appreciate them…and teach about them…you’re post was powerful and masterful and made me really want to hug my Dad and made me sad that there are so few out there who are real men…thanks for all that…
fown
i second that, it made me want to hug my dad too. Excellent post!! thank you for sharing all of this and for making me think. you are the bestest and the way you write is amazing.
You are SO right. It’s integrity and ethics that define a man.
Absolute brilliance! Thank you for the great post.
Fabulous post. Thank you for writing it.
Thanks guys. *blush*
*kisses blushing cheek*
Perfect post today!
Amazing post. You made me cry. I’m just really happy you have your Master in your life. This is just awesome.
Wow – what a great post. Now i’m off to review the men and ex-men in my life.
“My dominant ex-husband? Is a waste of oxygen.”
OMG love it… i should know better than to be drinking at my keyboard and reading one of your posts – now i have to explain water in my keyboard to the techie guy — darn!!
lol.. sorry!
I know it’s not my place to say it, but… you are such a good girl!
Hope you are feeling better from your flu, seems like everyone has had it lately.
~hugs~
junebug
Another excellent post, kaya. You hit the nail on the head perfectly.
I gotta say, the level of douchebaggery on FetLife is staggering. Which is the main reason why I don’t belong to any groups and don’t participate in the discussions.
kaya, this is absolutely the best post you have ever wrtten… you touched my heart..sooo many hugs to you girly- girl.
Hisflower
Thank you for a beautiful post.
Hismess
Do you mind me asking what groups are you a member of in Fetlife?
Not at all. I frequent these groups:
Domestic Servitude
Fet Life Rants!
Master and slaves
Our Females are Property
The Comfy Chair
You know what really grinds my gears???
Fet Fatigue Anonymous
Fet Life Rants – Part Deux
(the last three are very infrequently updated. I probably should just leave them but that’s where the best snarks tend to take place.
)
this is wickedlilone both on LJ and Fet, add me sweetie, and BTW this has got to be the GREATEST post ever, and I even read this to my family. They loved and applauded you and this made us all think about the men in our lives.!!!
Tell your dad that another two-tour VN vet with a limp says “Welcome home”.
Your skill with the written word continues to increase. This is an excellent, excellent piece worthy of any professional writer. I’m reminded of the quote from the sportswriter “Red” Smith; “There’s nothing to writing, just sit at a typewriter and open a vein.”
Thank you for this. I have different, yet somewhat similar stories from a father and a brother on how I measure a man.
Thank you so much. That really means a lot.
I will give my dad an extra hard hug with you in mind next time I see him.
Hi. My name is Outlander and I’m a ‘kaya’s blog-a-holic”.
You write well and express yourself in a very engaging manner. That’s all fine and good excepct I am now addicted to your blog.
When you don’t post for a few days I get to wondering. Totally inappropriate and none of my business but still I wonder.
Congrats on a spectacular blog. That it occasionally has BDSM topics and ‘sub-porn’ photos is just a bonus.
And all joking aside, please don’t stop blogging. Since you only have 7 or 8 more months of winter where you’re at, it will help pass the time.
I am delurking for this one. Very well written, made me stop and think. My Dad was the biggest and best male influence of my life. This is why it took me soooo long to find a husband, no one just quite measured up.
I truly didn’t realize the huge impact he had in my life (I am now 45) until he died 2 years ago, it truly tore my world apart. I just hope he knows how much I loved him, and how he was the best Daddy ever! I miss him more and more each day.
Thanks for this beautiful post. I read you regularly, just don’t typically comment, this one, I had to. I do enjoy your writing and I miss the kitty pics!!
*Pam
awesome.
have you started your book yet?
I had tears welling reading this thinking of the “men” in my life. It is most definately interigrity and honor and actions that speak louder than anything else. Having a son has made me even more aware of having good role models in his life because his father isn’t present and in my eyes not at all a man, very similar to your waste of oxygen hehe.
And good men about is exactly what I want for the little one and luckily I have some wonderful role models for him. Scott & your Dad are defintely real men in my eyes. Beautiful post hunni xxx
That was an absofuckinglutely amazing post. I find myself sitting here picking apart the men in my own life. I was SO not in the mood for thinking tonight, there’s no more room in my head.
I’ll go with the comment from Chloe, and say that I’m basically speechless – which is very hard to do.
Well said, as usual. Can I be you?
This is one of the most amazing things about real men (in both their submissive and dominant variations) I have had the privilege to read on any blog of any type. How wonderful would it be to just be friends with either your dad or your Boss.
You are blessed and lucky, shoveling snow (ick) aside.
Please don’t ever stop writing. You are soooo good. Yours is the blog I MUST read every day. Love the kink but I am never ever disappointed when you write about something else. This was awesome and spot on. Thank you.
brilliant as always
oops that was me
I generally disagree with most of what you write, and a lot of times (to be brutally honest), want to smack you for some of the things you say. But this is a terrific post. Kudos.
Kaya,
Thank you. Thank you for sharing that. I had tears in my eyes for I could feel your words. And thank goodness you have been gifted with two great men in your life. I am so happy for you and your children and for your brothers and sisters. To have that, and to have been blessed. It sure made me think of all the men in my own life and for that I thank you once again.
Have a super evening.
Laurie
great post
i have said several times how your descriptions of your Master remind me of Big H. I
madeasked him to stop CSI even so I could read it to him. He got a real grin out of it.This was so very well written hun. Thank you for sharing.
Kaya,
I’m sitting here feeling incredible levels of envy and jealously. You see, I had, essentially, your ex for a father, only better at it. After spending 10 years driving my mom crazy (literally) he divorced her when she sought mental help and took custody based on the fact that she checked herslef into a mental hospital. From that moment, any expression of love for mom was punished. I spent the first 20 years of adulthood afraid of becoming him, until I realized that I had a fucking choice.
So yeah, I’m jealous of you, but so happy for you as well. 2 out of 3 isn’t bad odds, you know. You got a keeper girl, don’t you dare let him get away.
Dave
Lovely, and right on target. A man is distinguished by his ability to handle his business and often a “real” man has to handle someone ELSE’s business as well. Without complaint.
My father has always been mild mannered and bookish, but he can hang drywall with the best of them. He was as likely to wash vomit out of my hair as my mother or take us kids to the dentist.
*nods* a man knows about responsibility. He pays bills and consequences.
i have been on very serious thought mode regardinging this post since i read it yesterday- had to let you know how provocing it was and i hope to compile me thoughts in a post of my own- it’s a real touchy subject for me so we’ll see if i can do so lol…
aphy to my I’m so glad you didn’t stop blogging a few months ago. I woke up this morning really wanting to show Master how much I love Him rather than a pattern I have of withholding love and affection–pretty much thinking I don’t deserve happiness and so pushing love away …
Today I began my day on track with this intention in my heart. Then I came across your post which further opened my heart and allowed me a good cleansing cry.
I am inspired to be as generous as you have been here, by writing fully of the integrity and manliness of the men in your life. I am inspired to write prolifically of Master’s love and dedication …
I think this is an act of gratitude which only can create more love all around and happiness in my heart as well.
And if there’s only one thing Master asks of me, bottom line? He wants me happy and farting sunshine when He walks in the door.
The first part of my comment was a typo that’s why it makes no sense. sheesh.
lol. I wondered what you were trying to say in that first little bit.
I lol’ed at “farting sunshine”. too funny!
erm, that were me, not Master. opps.
Hi Kaya, I found this post through a link on Sparkle’s blog. What a beautifully written essay. Thank you.
kaya, have you ever thought of seriouly trying to be a writter? Damn fine post. Beings who deserve the title of men are hard to come by in this me-me-me society of ours, hell I should know, I live in the capital of red-neckiness, Texas. But a real man would find nothing but “sand” as they use to say in your Dad and Scott. Damn fine men and I hope B-man knows how lucky he is to know both of them. Peace, and please, keep writing! The Prof
Kaya,
I love to read your posts, I find most of them to be thought provoking. This post though…………I think it may be my favorite one yet!
It is a great post. And I believe we look for our dads sometimes in a Master; or their opposite in the bad cases.
My owner and my dad are real men. My husband, not so much, but he is not allll bad… just very weak.
I’m not sure what really defines a man, and I’m not sure it’s anyone’s business to be defining that for anyone but themselves.
Nice job Kaya. Beautifully written. Very Powerful. Atta girl. *wink*
hi kaya,
i am mesmerized by this post. it is very thought provoking and beautifully writted. it made me reflect on my own situation. pls consider posting this on fetlife – it would be very insightful for many ppl i’m sure.
thank you again for sharing.
~reen
Im a lurker coming out of hiding for this post.
I love it. Very very well said.
My dad is your dad without the harley … a burley construction worker who stood 5’9 but appeared 7’9. Yet…mom quietly ran the show.
When he passed away, I was helping her go through his things. Deep in a drawer, she pulled out a stack of 20 dollar bills, several thousand dollars. She started to cry and said… “Every payday he gave me the check, I gave him back a twenty … I guess he already had everything he needed”
Still makes me cry.
Great post Kaya.
Fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do – John Mayer
Kaya, anyone who can write like you should never have to work a day in their lives. I have consistently felt so many emotions reading your words. Emotions like lust, envy, happiness, anger. You have a way with words that is to be treasured.
You should take this essay and some of your others and seek a publisher. You should try to write the great American novel. Anything, just start. I know I’m dating myself as an old fart because of my love for (gasp!) real, old fashioned, paper and cardboard b*o*o*k*s, but so be it.
Anyway, once again, words fail me, great post!
Very nicely written — especially the bio of your dad. Thanks.
Your dad sounds like a great man, my pop was in the war and held the same position in his marriage as your dad. I always looked up to him and never thought it strange the only money he spent came from nanna’s purse just before he walked out the door.
You have a way with words that makes long posts readable. To often online someone rambles on for a few hundred words and they write so poorly you can’t bear to read it. The opposite is true with you.
Great post – one of the best essays on the topic of manhood that I have read. Thank you.
Awesome post! I wish more women saw things as you do!
Men like your ex would die out because there would be no women with which to populate.
Men like your Master would have throngs of women after them.
Dies ist ein gro
[...] entry of the week: The Measure of a Man by [...]
This was beautiful! It’s treasures like this that have me reading up from the old posts, because I don’t want to miss a thing. My father is your ex, but my husband is your M, just not so mean (yet, I’m still hopeful)I’m going to copy it out for my husband to read. You really are brilliant.