The downside of blogs
It’s no secret or surprise that reading blogs, or writing here, is how I spend a good part of my day. It’s increased tenfold since Master started traveling again, it used to be that I had chores to get done before 6pm every day… and these days I really don’t *have* to get them done at all.. except for maybe the day before He’s due home. I’m not even sure how He feels about that actually, it’s never been mentioned. Not how He feels about my blog-obsession or how He feels about neglected chores. Guess we’ll find out soon though, eh?..;)
I know that alot of people watch their stats.. logging visitors and IP addresses and return visits and how long.. on and on.. I guess the possibilities for keeping stats are pretty wide. I don’t do that. Some days I wish I could, other days, MOST days, I’m glad I don’t. I’d obsess over it for sure. There is a counter on the pages where the pics are hosted and that’s enough to keep me happy. It bothers me really, that I do care about counters, or wonder about them at least. Anyway, for those of you that are watching.. and if it shows that I’m at your site seven or eight times a day… I am..lol. That’s what I do.. every time I sit down here, I run through the list. See if anyone has updated since I checked last. And I admit to getting angry (a lil bit) if no one has updated… because then I have nothing to do! This is really the only thing I do on the internet. I’m not a gamer or a chatter (I msn sometimes but not habitually), I don’t do research or read the news, I don’t do anything except go through my list of favorites… go do a chore.. come back and go through the list again.. so on and so on.
This is quite possibly an area I need to work on. It’s not healthy. Not that you all don’t have fascinating things to say… titillating, thought provoking, scene inspiring writers, all of you. I, however, am very fragile mentally. It’s true. I’m easily drawn into feelings of doubt and insecurity, too harshly affected by criticism or sensing hostility. Good uplifting feelings are quickly shattered simply by someone else’s post, a post that has absolutely nothing at all to do with me, but might touch negatively on an aspect of my relationship or a fetish… and I’m immediately flooded with thinking Master and I are “doing it wrong”.
I’m holding my relationship to blogville standards. Even as I know I’m doing it, and I know how wrong it is, how ridiculous it is, how damaging it is and how completely disrespectful it is to Him… I’m.Still.Doing.It.
Last night, bedtime. I’d been having a rough few days anyway, letting these doubts and crap take over my brain. I’m probably forever going to be insecure about Master’s devotion to bdsm. I don’t know why exactly… I continually reject the belief that He wants this as much as I do. Probably because He doesn’t obsess over it like I do. Because He’s just as likely to be “vanilla” for a day as He is to be a mean sadistic Bastard. (yes I can say that, He takes it as a compliment…:) And I’m so quick to make that mean more than it does… quick to turn it into the end all of our life as Master/slave if He isn’t constantly .. and I do mean constantly.. doing *something* bdsm-ish. So for days I’ve been hovering on the edge of sanity.. talking myself into believing He’s about to drop the bomb.. the “I don’t want to be your Master anymore” bomb. (reading back through the last few entries, how do I GET this way?) But I don’t want to be caught off guard with this bombshell, so I bring it up FIRST… rejection is easier when it’s your idea right? And out of the blue to Him.. but days and days of obsession for me, I tell Him… “Maybe I want to go vanilla.. do You?”
Of course the first thing He says is “where in the hell did THAT come from??” to which I just shrugged all nonchalantly.. like yanno, just something I’ve been considering as a viable option, no big deal, just wondering about your thoughts on it… when really, my very existence is waiting on His answer.. and the reasons I said it are more complicated than I can ever explain but I say none of that, just shrug.. and wait.
He says no. Firmly. Not only is HE not going vanilla, He reminds me that I don’t have the choice to go vanilla anyway. I’m still not convinced though. (Because I’m insane!) Because somewhere, somehow, He’s not measuring up to blogville standards. And He turns me around to Him and tilts my chin up and says “talk to me.. don’t write it out for your blog and wait for me to read it, talk to me.” How did He know. How does He know that the crux of my insecurities are coming from not having enough smut to write about… not enough beatings and sex and humiliation.. that I’m not able to *compete* with blogville. And not competing.. is making me feel vanilla. It’s making me act in a manner I otherwise wouldn’t to try and force Him into a punishment which at least gives me smut to write about. It’s making me forget why I wanted to be a slave, way way before I had the internet, let alone a blog. It’s making me question Him, which is the worst of it all. Losing faith.. over someone else’s standards.
We talked awhile… and He stroked my hair and my face. He told me how beautiful I am to Him, how much He loves me. And already knowing the answering but wanting to feel the way my tummy flips when He says it, I asked “Do I really not have a choice to be vanilla?”
His thumb traced over my lips and He smiled, “No, baby.”
Then we got up at 2am and had leftover meatballs and noodles. We sat naked in bed and fed each other.. and giggled. He admired and traced this bruise.
And this morning, all felt right with the world, things looked cheery… and as I helped the kids off to school I was singing this song:
I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn’t me tonight.
I kissed Master off to work, started a roast in the crock pot, laughed with the kids over silly dreams they’d had the night before and then sat down here.
And read something. And lost all of that. Just that fast.
I’m laying all this out here because I want to be done with it. If it means the end of being able to do my own journal, at Master’s decision, then so be it. (I don’t *want* that at all. I truly enjoy writing this.) If it means I’m forbidden from reading anyone else.. or if the comments need to be turned off, or if I’m forbidden from commenting on others, or whatever it is.. Maybe nothing will happen. All I know is that I continually let this affect me way too much.
Does anyone else do that? The competition and feeling inadequate? If so, how do you handle it??
Tags: blogging
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Friday January 6th, 2006 8:43am
ohh.. how sad it was for me to read this.
i have been a regular reader for a while but i don’t think i have ever commented. i totally understand your dilemma. it seems to be a very common problem. i have struggled with it some myself. these days i don’t. i compare/judge/etc. my relationship only to my own. the “missing piece” was the simple realization that i only wish to be with my Master, just Him. however that was. for i could live all of my masochistic desires and if i was without Him.. i would not be happy or content. He is all that matters. sounds so simple but it felt a mysterious riddle for too long.
i “re-started” a blog recently and i decided to not have comments. this was for many reasons but mainly to keep it/me as centered as possible.
i’m not sure if i made any sense.. but i hope so. i enjoy reading your journal as it is unique. it is very real. it is lovely. best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
xoxo
His-twin
http://somebody-out-here.blogspot.com
I was talking to a girlie the other day, and I used the term ‘journal junkies’. It was meant as a joke, but … it really isn’t. It seems every time I turn around, I am adding, and being added, to more friend lists, giving myself more to read every day. This is really not a good thing, as I do have other things I like or need to do on the computer (like finishing the book I sent for you to read), and I really have a limited amount of time available now. I love reading and learning from everyone, but damn … I have got to be able to get hold of this.
Yes, to a degree I do feel that my relationship with the Imp is sometimes … inadequate, when compared to the others I read about – but then I stop and think about it, really think, and I can usually make that go away.
(This is one of he few areas that being a prideful, arrogant Leo really comes in handy. I can only doubt myself for so long, before I am once again convinced of just how wonderful I can be.)
I do get it, about getting all worried and upset when there isn’t something really extreme and kinky going on. The little things that can define a relationship like this so often become routine – even vanilla, maybe? Perspective gets lost in the shuffle sometimes, and sometimes pulling it out of the rubble isn’t easy.
I need to figure out a way to transfer some of my arrogance to you (believe me, I have more than enough to go around … everyone can have a helping and I’ll still have plenty) … when you read something in another journal that makes you doubt yourself, or your Master, just tell yourself that your way is better. Way better. Or remind yourself of just how many of us wish we were in your shoes – or your closet :-)
(And btw, I need to smack you … how can you ever think that a man who will force you to swallow His piss and lock your bruised and beaten ass in a closet would ever want to go back to vanilla??)
Or just ignore us all :-) Fuck us, what do we have that’s so much better than what you have??
(That was written in jest … but take it seriously if it helps)
I think, maybe, that insecurities just come with this territory. I know we all have to doubt our own sanity or intelligent at times (would sane people not only put up with this shit, but enjoy it as well?? :-), but the trick is to just be stronger than the doubts.
You are strong enough, you know. Lil slavecunts are strong enough to move mountains.
I know for myself I have toned down my blog reading. It was becoming too much for me. I experienced some of the things you are. I was feeling insecure and thinking I was doing the lifestyle wrong because of other people’s blogs. I have cut my reading down to the blogs which I am most interested in and yours is top of the list. I hope you will continue with your blog and I will always be a loyal reader. Take care Kaya.
hugs
padme
I totally get where your coming from. I have stopped going from blog to blog to read the never ending drivvel that some people talk about. There is no way that some one can continue to be completely sexual 24/7 with no break in between. In my opinion the strongest M/s relationships are the ones that are normal every day ones, where mindset is at the fore. I wouldnt want a caning everyday, but I do need some sign that constantly confirms where my place is. Why? I dont know, maybe insecurity, but I need something that shows that I am loved cherished and needed within that dynamic.
It, in my opinion, is all about mindset and being comfortable with what roles your both in. The rest is a bonus… isnt it?
nicki x
http://www.aslavesheart.com/peculiar_mutterings/
i have been reading your blog for quite a while and feel the need to comment on this post. i am a “blog junkie” myself and some days i feel secure in admitting that…hehehe. Let me just say that every time i read your blog i am impressed more and more. i personally use blogs in a few different ways…one of which is to inspire me. your blog inspires me in SO many ways…to be a better sub, to be as honest and open as you are, and to hopefully one day have something comparable. What i am getting at is to try to change how you look at blogs and what you try to get from them. Is isn’t fair to yourself to compare your submission to anothers….everyones is so unique…that is part of the beauty of this lifestyle.
Please know that i am a novice and this is just one little sub’s opinion. Also recognize that your counter rises everyday for a reason. If taking a break gives you what you need then go for it, but know that many of us “blog junkies” will miss you. Thank you for sharing and allowing me to share my opinion with you.
All my best to you and your Master
ling
(of Cloud’s stable)
I don’t know that it will make you feel any better, but I’ve actually quit my blog once before because of the “competition” that was going on in my head. I wanted what I read on some blogs and wasn’t getting it from hardy. it took me quitting to realise that what we do it for us and no one else, so why the fuck should we do it someone else’s way?
I think it’s simply in our nature to want to fit in and even emulate what we see in our community. and most of us cannot be “out” in the real world, so we, perhaps, give too much credit to the blogs we read. does that make sense? if we had a wider assortment of blogs about people like us, then they wouldn’t mean so much. at least, that’s what I think. for what it’s worth : )
erica
If it makes you feel any better, I’ll tell you: you DON’T have to compete with anyone. You’d get a perfect 10 in my book anyday.
jealousies??
kaya…. i wrote (over the holidays) in my private journal to Sir that i was “jealous” of all the spankings and sex that i had read about on other’s blogs over the holiday season(yours included)… i have found from time to time when i read your blog ..or leesa’s blog.. that i crave such a life.. a REAL 24/7… and the little green monster in me raises his ugly lil head….
Afterwards i generally am embarassed by the jealousies… yeah i envy you and leesa and others.. your 24/7 Masters… and yeah sometimes i envy you all the edge you walk……. BUT then i sit back and look at me.. at my life.. and i generally discover that i am very happy with where i am right now.. in this instant….. i look at the progress i have made.. and i realize i am proud of where i am…
Then i go back to my blog and write about MY life… the good the bad and the ugly… and discover much to my surprise that there are others out there who haven’t reached my plateau yet…..
i am working very hard on seeing that the blogs i read are lessons to be learned.. goals to strive towards.. it may take a year or two.. hell i may never get to your level or other’s levels…… but it really should be all about the journey not the destination……
And all of this rambling is to say.. yeah i too am a bit of a blog junky.. and yeah i too from time to time crave what others seem to have……. “the grass is always greener”syndrome… and then i smack myself upside the head.. and thank the gods that i have what i have today…….and when i haven’t a clue what to write .. cause Sir hasn’t been here.. or vanilla life seems to have taken up permanent residency in the spare room……i write about THAT.. bitch about it more than likely… cause .. it is MY blog and i can..
so again i say to you kaya.. keep on keeping on…… cause i sure as hell would miss you if you disappeared quietly in the night……
morningstar (owned by Warren)
http://wtsubbie.blogspot.com/
Downside of Blogs?
kaya — I’ve been blogging for just over a year. Before that, I’d spent years on various list serves, usually getting myself in trouble because my way never exactly matched up with whatever the prevailing “one true way” was — sigh. I’ve (and we’ve) had my/our share of dust ups in the blogosphere this year too. That’s because if I’m going to write it, I’m going to write it straight and true. No bullshit and no fiction and no making it pretty for the “audience.” I write for me first and foremost. It helps me sort and sift the words that pile up in my head, and yes, I do keep a stat-counter (which I try not to obsess over). Our brand of M/s is ours. It doesn’t match the norm, the florid, fictionalized versions, or anyone else’s idea of how it “ought” to be done. I answer to Master, and no one else. He decides what and how my life is to be, and that is it. If it isn’t sexy enough to interest or excite anyone else, then they don’t have to read or look. There are plenty of blogs out there with a lot more “stroke” than mine. I read some of them, others I just can’t get into. Deal with life the way we do, and then call me — probably in 20 years or so when you’ve lived a few years and things HURT all the time because they just do. Then we’ll talk. The competition thing is hard to not get into, but it is SOOOOOOOOO counterproductive. Write and read because it helps you, because it supports you, because it builds for you a community of people who will support you in your growth and your journey. Everyone else is a leech, and an energy sap. Follow the path you’ve chosen.
swan
The Downside to Blogging…
I recently found this blog — and am delurking to say:
OMG. I appreciate you writing this! You’ve written exactly what I’ve been struggling with, especially recently, the pressure to write, to *compete* to compare one’s self with other’s seemingly idealistic and incredible endless kinky moments, daily, nightly….
Of course, the irony is that out of following links on other blogs, I found this blog, so I guess I’m being a cog in this whole thing, this cycle! Somehow, I find self-deprecating humor in that…. :)
I had been blogging for a couple years…at first with no comments, to keep it a pure online journal. I only went to a handful of people’s blogs to mainly lurk and read and think….then in the last year, I turned on commenting back on, actively doing lists, adding more, participating more. At times, when I have let the comments affect how I think, I had the presence of mind and sanity to turn off commenting for weeks and months at a time. However, I turned them back on because blogging is lonely without human exchanges, dialogue from others who understand. It is one of the best upsides of blogging, to find others of like interest and experience. It affirms me on this sometimes lonely journey.
Now, I have to admit that there are so many blogs that I truly love and visit almost daily, certainly a couple times a week. But, lately, as you so honestly blogged here, it has become a weird sort of pressure. I never understood that I’ve somehow let it become a pressure, to write, to comment, to compare myself with others and falling short. I never used counters, never bothered to keep track of links, never stressed over reciprocating links. I notice that I even starting bringing blogs into my relationship. I’ll bring things up by starting with “well, I read on this blog that…”. I’ve even caught myself self-censoring my writing (which I wrote about on my last blog). Somewhere, I stopped being comfortable in my own skin.
This is not why I started to blog. Blogging should not be work, yet another responsiblity to add to one’s already overburdened plate! Your post here has hit home with me. Even before reading this, I’d already resolved to going to go back to blogging at my leisure, let the pressure go. As much as I appreciate and will continue to read people’s blogs that I admire and learn from (so many good writers and sentient souls!), I’m going to stop comparing myself with others’ lives.
This post just reminded me again that blogs are a slice of life, the kinky stuff should be celebrated and shared indeed, but it isn’t and shouldn’t be one’s entire daily raison d’etre. There is much life to be lived and it needs to be in balance — blog reading and writing is part of that balance!
Thank You.
poiesia :)