The Bigger Picture
So.. things came to a head last night as they tend to do. He had put me in the closet again.. and took me out to beat me some more… and I cracked. Had I known that’s what He was waiting for, I might have tried to hurry it along.
I always crack.. or “wig out” as Master called it… after a big heavy push. And yesterday’s closeting adventure was a big heavy push. Being objectified is a mindfuck, through and through. I fight it.. and I try really really hard to hold onto myself. It’s not that I’m not submitting really because I AM.. but I’m keeping a tight hold on my psyche. And it’s not complete until I let that go.
That’s really hard to do.
The total breakdown of my will.. and my thoughts… complete surrender. From talking to other people, I get the idea that this is where most people feel they’ve gone too far. Where it was too hard of a push and they back up and regroup. What’s it mean when this is exactly Master’s goal? That I’ll remain in that place all the time someday is a very frightening thought.
I will say though, that once I get there it’s a fairly pleasant feeling. Once I’ve moved past the hysteria and the shakes and the incoherent babbling… and settled into *being* His object, it’s quite floaty and nice.
I went through a rather long episode (It felt long but it was probably only a few minutes. Time slowssss way down in my head sometimes) of asking questions that I know the answer to, but it seemed of utmost importance that I hear it. Out loud and decisively. From Him. I held up my tits and asked “Do You own these?” and of course He said yes. And so it proceeded with other things.. my hair, my ass, me, etc. And things of His… “is that my cock”.. no, it’s His. While today, thinking back on it, it all seems very childish and silly, I need to hear it. Every answer felt like a tiny door closing somewhere.. until all that was left was His. I can’t explain it anymore than that.
Once, He told me to lay up next to Him and I started crying again, said I didn’t want to lay there and I turned over to where I wanted to be, kept asking ‘ok?’ ‘i want to lay here ok?’.. He reached around me and tugged me to His side. He wasn’t mean about it, He was firm and also very loving. But it made me stop crying.
It’s the oddest thing.. I fight it so hard. I don’t want to break or crack or wig out. I squeeze that bit of myself as hard as I can and make Him pry it out of me… I can’t for the life of me see Him wanting me that way, that open and exposed, that needy and clingy… but once I’m there, the evidence of His loving me there is so much more present than when I’m not there.
Master is still home and I don’t know what today holds. Maybe nothing, maybe everything. I’m still there though, still open.. I want to keep it, as long as I can. It was hell getting here.
Like
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday January 3rd, 2006 10:36am
There’s such a thing as too far? Maybe that’s why all the schooling I got from so many people didn’t .. hmm … explain it all for me. As far as I’m concerned, all the way open, totally cracked wide … isn’t that the whole fucking point of this??
I can’t wait to hear how today went.