That’s fucked up.
I used to think letting go of myself to become his slave was too hard. Impossible even.
Now I’m finding that letting go of being his slave to become anything else is even harder.
Maybe it wasn’t as illusionary as I thought.
Tags: reality, reflection
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Saturday December 6th, 2008 11:24pm
I guess its true, we(women) don’t really know what we want. ;)
Something about this time of year that brings with it these massive changes. Did this last year. I truly empathize with you.
i tried to find the words to write a comment to you…but couldn’t…so i have borrowed someone else’s…
“….As I read it now, in the great silence of these distances, I am touched by your beautiful anxiety about life… here I feel that there is no one anywhere who can answer for you those questions and feelings which, in their depths, have a life of their own; for even the most articulate people are unable to help, since what words point to is so very delicate, is almost unsayable. But even so, I think that you will not have to remain without a solution if you trust in Things that are like the ones my eyes are now resting upon. If you trust in nature, in the small things that hardly anyone sees and that can so suddenly become huge, immeasurable; if you have this love for what is humble and try very simply, as someone who serves, to win the confidence of what seems poor: then everything will become easier for you, more coherent and somehow more reconciling, not in your conscious mind perhaps, which stays behind, astonished, but in your innermost awareness, awakeness, and knowledge. You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer….”
Rainer Marie Rilke
but i AM adding some hugs xoxox
That’s beautiful!
Is that from Rilke’s “Letters to a Young Poet”?
I’ve always had the suspicion that if you read his poems just right, they would answer any question you had. Or at least just make you ask better questions….
Here are some good ones for you, Tess, right now…
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/fear-of-the-inexplicable/
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/i-am-much-too-alone-in-this-world-yet-not-alone/
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/lament-whom-will-you-cry-to-heart/
Song…” Welcome to the hotel California ” go listen.
Just do the little things and before you know it, a big thing will have been accomplished. That chinese proverb, ” A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Sorry for any mis-quotes.
Kaya, i have been were you are now. Several times actually, i´ve tried to stop being His slave. I have had the exact same feelings as you describe in your latest posts.
For me, it have always end with me falling into depression.
I think slavery is just an illusion.. so easy to get rid of. Yet it ends up with me being nothing – totally lost. Please take care kaya, it is not as easy as it seems.
Love
sommar
Tess,
Of course it’s hard. It has nothing to do with wether the slavery was an illusionm or not. it’s about change. All change is hard. As humans, we grow comfortable with the way things are and when they change, or we try to change, it’s fucking difficult. It’s always going to be easier to do things the way they’ve always been done. You will survive this. take care.
Dave
I was waiting for the illusion to become an illusion. If only it was that easy.
Old habits die hard. You will always be a slave, whether you are actively serving or not.
You didn’t become everything you’ve been overnight. It won’t go away that quickly either.
are you having second thoughts about giving him back his collar?
follow your heart kaya. i know that sounds cliched and i am sorry.
(((hugs)))
I agree to follow you heart. Maybe it doesn’t have to be as you first thought at all.
I am reminded of a good saying someone once told me that has helped me many times over the years – “there is no shame in giving up a dream that is no longer working for you”.
Ok. Stay with me, because you can spin this one either way. But change the word “dream” to “initial reaction”, “idea to give back my collar” etc. And it says:
There is no shame in giving up an initial reaction that is no longer working for me.
I’m obviously biased here, and an idealistic romantic. I don’t live in your life and can only imagine the issue and the short and long term implications to your life. BUT don’t let your pride stand in the way of following your heart *and your soul* if there is a way that you can work it out that will work well enough to be agreeable to the two of you. And know that agreeable will be a moving target.
I hurt for you! I am on the side that wants you to find a way to make it work together in the same house, and I want your damn collar back on. And it’s not just self serving because you can see I check on you before 5 am on a Sunday morning, because you’re my favorite hands down. It’s because I think you two love each other to the ends of the earth, vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry. And I truly believe that kind of love doesn’t often come more than once in a lifetime.
I want this to be like the story you told about having enough that time and getting dressed and getting your purse and saying you were ieaving and he watched you cry at the kitchen table until you were ready to stay.
I know you will do the right thing. Change is gut wrenching and sure, maybe this is just that – or maybe it’s your gut saying leaving is wrong. Just sayin’.
kaya
i am trying to write an entry on just that subject… is it all an illusion???
i personally do NOT think it is… slavery is VERY real…. but it doesn’t exist in a vacuum…..
i know i promised you an email.. in depth ..on my thoughts and feelings… and i know i haven’t done it :( i apologize for that…
in a nutshell.. you are still in love with Him.. He with you.. you still feel like a slave – because you ARE a slave inside of you..it is part of who you are.. much the same way you are a mother.. a wife.. a daughter..
you and He have reached a kind of impasse over things.. just like it can happen in ANY relationship.. BDSM is not a cloak of armour that you put on that protects you from all the other things that go on around you..,
and like any other couple you are bound to hit impasses ..to hit times when limits as you want to call it are hit.. and can’t be pushed.. remember the term “hard limit”?? if you and He walked into my office and laid this all out in front of me.. i would listen… to both of you.. because .. sorry.. when it comes to serious vanilla shit .. slave or no slave.. you still get a voice.. you HAVE to get a voice….and i would try very hard to find a way to help you BOTH work together to find an answer to the impasse….
i don’t .. honestly i don’t .. see this being as much about slavery and BDSM as i see it being about a relationship in serious trouble…
to me the question is.. are you both willing to talk about it.. to find a compromise .. and yeah yeah i know he is Master.. i know He is the dominant.. but it is time for you both to sit down and see if you can’t find a way through this shit…. together… side by side.. the slavery will sit and wait.. trust me.. it will wait..
anyway… for 7 am on a Sunday morning – without coffee that’s as it good as it gets from my feeble brain.. .
i promise an email .. soon…… sooner… soonest..
morningstar (owned by Warren)
Thank you for saying this, morningstar. It’s what I’ve been thinking all along. I don’t even think the slavery has to wait. There may be a different route to get through your impasse if you put your heads together … or if you ask for a third party’s help. If it works for both of you it’s not a rejection of slavery – it’s just using both of your resources to find a way through. Also, perhaps you do want to go back to school or bring in more financial resources. Perhaps the relationship needs restructuring. My Daddy and myself are working through one right now. And it’s not the first one.
*much love*
Liz
I’d also like to thank morningstar for her comments. They are much more useful (and succinct!) than mine!
If you do decide to go for third party arbitration, you’ll need someone who can deal with the M/s thang.
Here’s a link: http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=75
Doesn’t it suck when you can’t decide?
I can’t stay, but I have to.
(But what if you really need to leave?)
Then I’ll go. But I want to stay.
(Then stay)
This is likely what your internal monologue is like. Flip a coin on it. It’s SO much easier to hate a coin for your decisions than it is to hate yourself.
…consider yourself a “ronin” slave…one without a master…you can do it…
s.
I didn’t know how to say this in response to your “illusion” post, but maybe this will suffice. No part of your life has been an illusion simply because it didn’t turn out the way you expected. I spent 8 years trying to make a relationship work—when it didn’t, I did mutter some phrases about it being a waste of 8 years, and what did it mean if I could love that much all for naught, but I was wrong. If I seriously believe in it at the time, nothing I have ever experienced has qualified as an illusion. I was feeling, I was loving, I was happy or sad, I put in the time and effort, I was true to myself…..and THAT is what makes it real.
Suze
It is my opinion, and my opinion is just that (and worth precisely whatever you think it is worth), that you and Scott are at a point of relational crisis, and that you two can decide to work through the issues you are facing right now — but that it is unlikely that you can do that without some sort of intermediary. I think the main value of involving someone from outside your relationship, and really from outside your circle of friends, fans, and admirers (because none of us is hearing this story in stereo — Scott is notably missing from the current conversation), is that you need someone who can look with you at all the myriad assumptions that are at work in the present situation.
You have assumptions about what slavery MUST be.
You have asssumptions about what you MUST do for yourself and your children.
You have assumptions about what He is and is not willing to do with regard to those same children.
You have assumptions about what the moment when you handed your collar back MUST mean for your future.
You have assumptions about what it says about you now that you have discovered that there are limits that you MUST have honored.
Those are only the ones that I can sort of see from the outside looking in. I can’t really see what assumptions Scott is working from at this point, but I’m sure He’s got a whole bundle of them as well.
Assumptions are the base level premises from which most of us operate in our day to day lives. Having those opperating assumptions makes it relatively easy to navigate our days without having to analyze every single move or choice. That can be a good thing, but sometimes we work from assumptions that simply are not true. That can be OK as long as there is no huge upset or hurdle, but when the waters get stormy, a faulty assumption can cause you to make all the wrong moves.
It is clear to me that you love your husband, and that he loves you. The pain and heartbreak that you two are going through at this moment is clear to anyone who reads here. What is not clear to me is whether either of you have the balance, clarity, or emotional stability to be making the kinds of decisions that you are attempting to make right now. I so wish you would find someone to listen to you both and talk dispassionately about what you are going through.
I guess that I keep hearing myself wondering who is “in control” in your world right now? I know it isn’t really my place, but I honestly believe that the person in control in your world right now isn’t Scott, and it isn’t you either. From all appearances, everything that is happening in your family these days is being driven by the decisions and choices of your seventeen year old. That is unfortunate.
Having lived through raising a very, very difficult adolescent daughter, I know from experience that all the responses that we as mothers make based on the belief that this “child” needs some sort of more effective “mothering” or “parenting,” leave us powerless in the face of their “adult” choices. In the end, it won’t matter that you sacrifice your life and your dreams for her — you won’t change her course one whit. You can’t undo her history. You can’t fix her issues. You can, perhaps, help guide her as she moves into adulthood, but even that is entirely her decision.
I remember being buffeted continuously through my daughter’s teen years. Finally, someone said to me — “you cannot help her until you make sure that you are alright. If you destroy your own life because she has created chaos in hers, you will have nothing at all to use to assist your daughter.” It is kind of the standard airline safety deal: “put your own oxygen mask on before trying to assist others.”
You are proposing to take your own life apart in response to a crisis created by your daughter. You are proposing to plunge all of your children into that chaos along with her. You are proposing to shelve your marriage and your dreams and your hopes so that you can “help” her. Perhaps you can only help her by demonstrating that she can make choices for her life — that lesson will come when she sees you resolutely choosing for you.
swan
I’m really agreeing with swan, she sure does sound wise.
I was wondering the other day, why all this means that you have to quit all the M/s and D/s stuff. I dunno. It’s all in your assumptions and beliefs. Can those be reorganized to fit your lives?
I feel for you.
Sanna
The Brain adapts, future brain wiring is influenced by what the brain has been subjected to. Just as an abuse survivor can not ever subtract the abuse event from who they are you can never subtract these last few years from who you are. I don’t think that you have been abused here, but the dynamic is the same. I also think that you and Scott should be very careful about involving outsiders in your relationship, because there is great risk that these outsiders will conclude that you have been abused and conduct themselves accordingly…you could be jumping from the fry pan into the fire. I do agree though that you should think long and hard before destroying your life trying to save your daughter. She has to save herself.
Illusionary or not, I think that habits get ingrained, and when you’ve been doing something consistently for a very, very long time–of course it’s going to be difficult to stop doing it. You’ve done these things for so long that it’s in your very nature to do them, so not doing them is like breathing underwater or something.
*hugs*
It will get easier. Once you start building new habits, the old ones will move to the back of your mind.
You haven’t asked for opinions or advice, so I’m not going to offer any. Though, being human, I have quite a few. I’ve read a lot of the ones here too, over the past few posts. In the hypothetical, even I’M getting confused about what I would/could/should do if I were you…
I don’t envy you right now, but were I faced with your situation, I would envy your resiliency and resolve. So I’m just here to say I’m reading and caring and thinking good thoughts for you. Whatever happens, I’m cheering you on.
~Chloe
What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
Margery Williams
Oooh! My favorite story!! :D
Swan as usual has great and calm insight. I, too, went through many difficult years with a troubled child. It brought trouble into my relationship, and there were times when we stood on either side of a great divide. Only when I had no other choice did I say “I have no choice, but to choose this for this child because in the end I brought them into this world and I am responsible”, but I chose very rarely, very carefully a verified with professionals tough love with balance approach. At the same time, I made sure both my husband and my child understood that I would not let the child take down my family. I constantly reaffirmed for my husband that I would only leave if I was pushed out the door, and I would be fighting for him with every step because he came first. The child was getting what they needed now in crisis, but my husband was forever. It is now a very distant memory because both my child and my marriage are successful and strong.
I think that the master slave relationship complicates this to no end because no matter how you wish to live it 24/7 in all aspects of your life that is is not possible if you have a family. It is fundamentally a relationship between two (or more if you’re poly) adults, and so you cannot include the children. That means some aspects of your life will always be outside of it whether you wish it or not. There must be a recognition and discussion of that at this point, I would think. It is there, perhaps the problem lies. Trying to control areas that lie outside of that relationship, with the dynamic inside it won’t always work. The problems with the child herself, believe me, outside support is essential. One gets so stressed, and is so afraid of causing harm that it is often hard to see the harm you can be by caring and giving too much. Someone impartial can help, as Swan says listen to both, see the situation from the outside and perhaps help a great deal.
Just some thoughts, they are perhaps worth exactly what you pay for them (nothing!), but I have walked a rough road with both child and husband so think of you often with many caring thoughts. Hold on, keep trying – it is possible for everyone to come out whole and happy on the other side. It’s not fast or easy, but you have what it takes to get there.
Haps you could whine more.
Whatever he asked of you, it is your inability to do it which is the failing – not the request itself.
Goddamn.
Your very ability to pretend to escape his hold over you proves that it was all an illusion just to you.
You cannot undo reality, nor unwill it from existence.
What is real is real.
What is unreal was never real.
You’re still a cunt.
A cunt which thinks it’s a person.
Hey asshole,
You need to fuck off and die. Tess is hurting and you’re not helping. You don’t know what’s happening and are eminantly unqualified to comment, since you obviously hate her and are afraid of her for some reason. Go crawl under a rock where you’ll be safe from those women who are intelligent, competant individuals.
Dave
Were you sending this to me?!!i guess maybe your a pervert- or maybe its just your books? -a way of indulging yourself- they have a lot of class your books! In fact if had a choice to read a book by Heinlein or you -lol – I really couldn’t decide! Fuck off and die? okkkay-oh well this won’t be printed anyway ! I feel if anyone says what that person is asking could be detrimental to a relationship, herself, or her children-why do it? (as she pointed out in an earlier blog)it doesn’t make sense!! well I’m oughta here -I like kind Doms anyway! just hate to see kids being subjected t o anything where they could be hurt- at all in any way- I like kind Doms cuz I think mine has some gold inside of him! cuz I got some -gold inside me too -anyway, if heataches were commercials we’d ALL be on tv!
I thought you weren’t reading here anymore. Obsess much?
Dear Tess, aka cunt
Well…..your right…… I do obsess-its just that what i say and how i feel are 2 different things I’m jealous, my husband is just a bedroom Dom-but i think I’m too much of a masochist to settle for that-could i borrow Scott for a day or so? I’m so happy your a drama queen! I was worried that maybe he wanted you to do something that wouldn’t be good for you-or the kids. Thats why I’m so so so so so so sorry i said all those dumb ass things -cuz you got gold– gold inside of you-and Scott has some gold inside him too.
Suzanne (aka nutcracker) (aka Kinky_mistletoe) “Grilling chipmuncks on an open fire Jack Frost nipping at your nose” I think i better stop!lol I don;t talk or say things that sound normal
Suzanne512,
If you look close, I was respondong to killer queen, not you. You recieved it, if you did, because you subscribed to the comments. Unless…you’re really kiiller queen.
As for my stories, no, they’re not on par with Heinlien, Azimov or Chalker. They’re just fun reads for some people. If you don’t like them, don’t read them.
As for your second question, as a matter of fact, I AM a pervert. :)
Dave
Congratulations!!! I am too!!!! if Plato were a pervert; you and Him would be in the same league!
Life is a blessing, its a delicatessen~
Suzanne aka, santas sinful nites
Dear Tess,
If this whole life thing wasn’t complicated then it wouldn’t be a life. It would be an illusion, a masked existence pretending to be something more behind the smoke, mirrors, and that weird guy in makeup.
I’m as vanilla icecream as they come and wouldn’t know how to offer advice concerning the sundae bar but love is universal. Sometimes all the love in the world isn’t enough and then there are times the smallest iota of love can change your world. Is it enough to change the situation?
Yes, he loves you. Is it enough?
Yes, you love him. Is it enough?
Good luck,
Ally
Kaya
Until you identify the issue which led to the collar return anyone comment or advice is meaningless
If the issue is a deal breaker for you than nothing is changed its a deal breaker and your days as slave are over.
If its an issue that requires other things to occur first, like kids growing up and leaving home, than its a question of waiting until then and doing things that maintains the relationship while you wait to resume your journey.
Only you and your husband realy knows whats going on in your relationship and only you and husband are going to solve things for yourselves.
Whatever decision you take its your decision and its for the reasons that are most appropriate and right for you.
You are what you are…a slave. Its hard to change that, no matter how hard you try. It will always be there no matter what.