Thanks. :-)
I wanted to thank everyone for the advice regarding Jes. So many of you are right (again) and can point out things that I’m just too emotionally close to “get”. This last time that I talked to her on the phone, I kept your words in mind and we had a much more pleasant, much more productive, conversation.
Also, the suggestions for gifts were awesome. Several of the ideas I’m going to use. Master and I are contemplating a couple of ideas so when we’ve (He’s) reached a final decision, I’ll let y’all know what we came up with.
The online schooling for her is a definite possibility I think. Originally, when Jes first dropped out, her idea then was that she wanted to do the online thing. Master and I were both opposed to it simply because we not only didn’t agree with her decision to quit but also because of the cost of it. She’d left a perfectly good, absolutely free school for reasons we didn’t support so we’d told her if she wanted to do the online thing she had to pay for it herself. That never happened for the obvious reason that she has no money, but she also made no effort to get a job either. And then she got preggers and yada yada yada…
But, now, circumstances are different. I do agree, and so does Master, that going to the high school right now is not in her best interest. The alternative school is (was) Master’s first choice, but in discussing the cost comparison of driving 60 miles round trip every day to the cost of online correspondence (I should say “probable cost” as I haven’t checked yet) He’s also now leaning toward online homeschool. Our concern, of course, is that she’d not keep herself on task and do it, but the consequence of that is to get a job. She has to do one or the other, school or job. I guess that’s her choice to make.
So. A little progress. I’m pleased with that.
There was also a little setback, too though. Nothing major, really, just me choking on the doorknob I’m trying to swallow regarding doing this His way. Knowing that He’s right doesn’t make it any easier. Knowing it’s for her own good doesn’t make it any easier either. I had a little moment of wanting to run away so I can just do what I want (didn’t say that, just thought it) and I had a little self-pitying cry, and then I sucked it up, buttercup.
I’m worried that I’m going to become bitter or resentful. I don’t want to be and I know He doesn’t want that either. I’m not sure how to make sure it doesn’t happen though. What I end up thinking feels too much like me trying to negotiate Him into lowering His guidelines. I mean, I was thinking that I just need a little bit of room to be the indulgent mom that I want to be and why can’t I do that without compromising how He wants it and this is really hard for me and I feel like I’m doing all the hard work and I’m giving everything and He just keeps pushing for more and more and and and boo-hoo.
Someone call me a waaahmbulance.
Anyway, I think it’s important, as a couple of commenters have pointed out, to remember that she’s got a lot of worry and a lot of pressure and a lot of fear and stress right now as it is. I don’t see the value in piling on more by detailing long lists of expectations, putting more pressure and more fear on her. I get that she’s brought this on herself, and I’m not saying that we ease it all completely, only that we don’t make it worse than it has to be merely because we have the power to do so. The whole point in wanting to keep her at home is because we KNOW that at 17 she’s not capable (probably) of doing this alone, and she needs our help. It’s not help if it’s coupled with a heavier burden.
Oy.
That, my friends, is how I talk myself into standing between Master’s expectations and mine.
*dramatic sigh*
And round and round we go.
Well. The next couple of days are going to be pretty busy so I may not be posting much. Today is my day to make lunch for Master’s work crew and they like the chicken enchiladas the bestest (which is fine. It’s an easy recipe, it’s just time consuming when made in such a large batch) so I’m already working on that. I want to get busy making Christmas goodies and get some in the mail to my mom. She’s not well enough to make any herself, in fact she’s postponing her own Christmas until she feels better, so maybe a little mail treat would be nice. And then, holy moly, it’ll be Christmas before I know it.
I still have no Christmas magic going on. I damn near burst into tears in the middle of Wal-mart yesterday. I think I’m depressed. Maybe I need drugs. Blah.
Anyway, if you wanna try some simple yet yummy chicken enchiladas, here’s the recipe I use:
One bag of chicken – (for our family of 5 I usually buy one bag (like the kind they sell at wal-mart) of chicken thighs. I’ve also used drumsticks. I find that dark meat works better in this recipe cuz it seems tastier. Or something. But white meat would work too.)
a couple of cans of enchilada sauce (2 or 3 small ones, 1 or 2 big ones. Depends how saucy you like them)
Lots of shredded cheddar cheese
Burrito sized tortillas.
Optional: Black olives, onions, sour cream.
Spray a baking dish. Heat oven to 375.
I boil the chicken until it’s cooked all the way, cool, debone and shred it. Pour the enchilada sauce in a large bowl and dip tortillas in to coat both sides. Or use a pastry brush to brush both sides with sauce. (Dipping is easier but messier)
Layer in chicken, cheese, olives, onions – but not too much or the shell will split. Roll up and lay in baking dish. Depending on how dry the rolled up shells look in the pan, I’ll pour some of the enchilada sauce over the rolled up shells. You want them wet everywhere with sauce or the shells dry and crack in the oven – but not soupy. Sprinkle with lots of cheese, and more olives or onions if desired.
Cover with foil and bake about 30 min. or until hot (time varies depending on dish and amount so watch it closely). Take foil off and bake another 5 min., until top cheese is melted and bubbly.
Serve with sour cream.
Because no one at Master’s work likes the same thing, the only thing I put in the enchiladas is chicken and cheese. I’ll make up a couple of bowls of chopped tomatoes, onions, olives, sour cream, refried beans, or whatever other topping sounds yummy, and send them along. Personally, I like it better with the onions and olives baked in though.
The end.
:-)
Tags: jes
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Wednesday December 17th, 2008 7:52am
Hello Kaya,
I am taking a high school program that you send exams to the school and you get text books and a 4 year program is cheap I think it is about 1,900.00 hundred dollars for 4 years and if you can not finish in those 4 years they give you another 2 years but you have to pay 75.00. It is called the American School and if you google it you will find it. The school is in IL.
My parents did not want me to finish school so I am back in high school and I love it because you can go at your own pace.
Big hugs
P.s if you need me to tell you more about the program feel free to ask me questions
just an idea.. for incentive for her.. and i realize until she has a job.. it’s not going to work.. but as for cost.. you and Scott pay for the online schooling.. however.. she gets a job.. and pays YOU the full amount or as close to it as she can come every month.. it goes into an account.. IF she finishes.. graduates.. she gets the money back.. if she doesn’t.. it’s yours and then the two of you haven’t wasted the money on her schooling..
As for sticking to your (Scott’s) guns.. my sister and I were raised very very differently within the same home.. she was coddled and given everything she demanded.. i wasn’t.. i had to work for everything i had.. (and i’m the baby!! *laughs*) But i have to say.. i admire and respect my parents so much more NOW for sticking to their guns.. not giving in.. and my sister.. still thinks the world owes her..she’s just a mess.. and so are her kids.. it might hurt now.. and you might hear a lot of hurtful things.. but the payoff.. will be tremendous.. *smiles*
As a mom myself (and as someone that got pregnant at 18 with my oldest child), I would not ask my child to pay me back for their high school education…whether they finish or not. I think the savings account is a novel idea for the parents, but one that tells the child that “we doubt you’re going to finish this education thing, so we want to make sure we’re not wasting our money on you”. It seems like it would be setting Jess up with the idea that her parents don’t believe in her. I think at this point Jess likely needs to know that she is loved and supported without strings attached to everything. I totally agree with either school or work as a requirement, but beyond that just seems like way too much control and not enough accepting a person for where they’re at and supporting them through a rough time.
This is obviously just my little opinion and I know that not everyone will agree with me…and that is okay!
Hi,
when it comes to education if someone isnt self motivated they just wont do it. Sorry but sometimes there is simply nothing you can do to enable a person, in this case child, to educate themselves. You can however say to them that if and when they are ready and that if the only thing holding them back is money then you will fund any genuine effort.
Your daughter has made a choice, whether she was really ready to or not, its made now. She is having a baby and she will have to start making her own way.
What would you have got her for Christmas if none of this had happened? If you dont get her something incase she sells it then you dont trust her. Thats understandable, but until you trust her how can she become trust worthy?
Jes’s problems are not yours to find solutions too. I know that sounds harsh but they are not, and it will only be when she starts to realise there is no good fairy/mum to wave a magic wand that the enormity of what she has done and must now do for the rest of her life will hit her.
Go on with your lives, just breathe and accept that the world isnt going to end.
I absolutely agree with you, Lyn! You said it wonderfully.
I doubt you’ll become bitter – you’re making too much fun of yourself. Also, you’ve got some distance to how you’re acting yourself. Bitter people don’t, they think it’s all serious.
Think about it. Didn’t you have a period of “Why meeee?” or “But whuuut about meee?” I did. I got through those, and I remember viewing the tantrums I was throwing much the same way you seem to be viewing your own thoughts now.
Perhaps attempting to remember why you gave the power to Scott, what he’s done previously and attempting to focus on *who* he actually is (instead of a convinient blame-pole), would be an idea?
It’s what my Owner recomends everythime I go through a period of thoughts working like yours seem to.
I mean, I was thinking that I just need a little bit of room to be the indulgent mom that I want to be…
Forgive me if this is out of line, but isn’t at least part of what got everyone into this situation you being that indulgent mom?
I get it, believe me, I do – my parents were poor, so I spoil my son. My parents beat each other, beat me, my mom sold my college fund for crack. So I try to never hit my son, etc. But kids need boundaries. They need them, and they go nuts when they don’t have them.
Jes honestly believes that she can move into an apartment into another city, have a baby, have no job, and let you foot the bill. What in the world has caused that girl to even consider that as a viable option?
I’m not trying to be all “killer queen” here, not at all – but from an outsider it seems like you’re still being TOO indulgent. Having a baby is THE thing, the biggest thing…and she’s doing it far sooner than she should, far sooner than she’s obviously ready for. And you are enabling her, as much as you possibly can. If you had enough room, you’d enable her more (from what you yourself said).
That’s not going to be good for her in the long run.
Anyway, it’s easy for me to say these things, being an outsider who got herself knocked up as a teenager and had to do things on my own (in fact I was living with relatives and had to move out on my own…which was an issue because I had ten ferrets). But the bottom line is that I do only know pieces and your family’s life is your family’s life. Everything will work out, someway. *Hugs*
Ellen
I’m glad the phone call went well – things will get better. Then they’ll be lousy, then better, etc. It’ll be two steps forward, one back, then one forward, two back, three forward, only 1/2 back! That’s the usual pattern. No pattern. It’s just that, like the path to true love, it’s not quite smooth and even…
You’ll be fine too. You’ll close the door and cry many times before this is over, but there will also be many times of quiet pride -”I did that just right!”. You make it easier for her by showing your faith in her ability to handle this, physical affection, showing your love, and little bits of trust as it’s earned. By showing you understand the why of her earnest longings even if you don’t agree that they are best for her and her baby. You make it easier by being the rock she can count on for love and understanding, not by caving. She’ll know where the parameters are, and stop beating against them very quickly. You won’t become bitter- you’ll become proud.
Thank you for that lovely recipe. I can’t wait to try it. Tess, I wish you joy and family, love and pleasure in this Christmas. I will be thinking of you and hoping things go well. Sometimes they can surprise you, and suspend the war for a bit. They are just kids, and sometimes long for Christmas too. Merry Christmas to your whole family.
In Pennsylvania, if students go to cyber school, school districts must pay for it. Parents don’t pay for it. Hopefully there’s something similar where you are …
I hope everything gets better with Jes. :)
It is a law here in Florida also. The State has to offer an online educational alternative. They have to make computers available but don’t have to give them to the students. Here they have labs that kids can use for free at the Y and the Girls Club and such.
i am glad Jes will have the opportunity to finish school online, it will certainly elliviate some unnecessary stress, and i hope she sees how lucky she is to have this option and follows through.
As far as you feeling bitter and resentful, i hate to be brutally honest but your baby is having a baby… if you were not bitter I’d be concerned! You just want what’s best for your daughter and you resent that you’ve done you’re very best and this is how things are right now, but it is temporary, mark my words. There will come a time when you can look at your daughter’s achievements and laugh knowing that she had to work harder but she still made it.
In time the bitterness will become bittersweet and eventually you will be consumed with pride. Just try to face the resentment as a normal, ok feeling toward the general situation and not your Master.
Honestly, my mom went through this, but a bit differently. I know, though, that she won’t be able to do it on her own. Since the situation is familiar, I know there is the chance of her moving from boyfriend to boyfriend for a while, until she decides she’s ready to settle down. But I wish her the best of luck, and hope her child turns out as well as I did.
Am I doing that well?
I’m so sorry you are going through all this stuff at one time. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. i might not comment here a lot but i read everyday and admire you more then you will ever know.
and then you for the recipe now i know what’s for dinner tonight. lol
Big Hugs
His mija
And your recipe sounds very yummy!
:)
Em
Ach, I just tried to make chicken enchiladas last night (before I read your post). I was sort of ‘winging it’ and didn’t look at a recipie, well they didn’t turn out AT ALL. My husband smiled a bit and took like two bites and said that he was full. He’s such a trooper. I will try your recipie next time, looks good and easy enough for me.
I am working my way along a long, rambling post about parenting and the hurdles and challenges. I suppose there is advice in there, and the whole business is definitely in response to the thoughts that have been kicked lose in my head as I’ve watched you guys go through this. It is like being sent back in time to the days when I was all wrapped up in rotten teenager behavior with my own kids…
Anyway, just know that I do really know how hard this is. I do wish you didn’t have to go through it at all. I also absolutely believe that when yours are in their 30s like mine are, you will be glad that you held your ground and gave them the space to grow — and so will they.
hugs, swan
Just sitting here after being at the dentist to have a wisdom tooth pulled out and ohhhh my oh my I want to eat those enchiladas!!!!
No food or drink for me for 4 hours… I suppose that would give me more than enough time to make it eh?
Where is the tooth fairy when you need her?
rosie
I made the enchiladas tonight and they were great.Give them a try when you get better. I hope you feel better soon.
His mija
You sound better today!
I hope you let thoughts of bitterness just flow through and out of you. Neither you nor your Master sounds unjust or unfair, you are both trying to make the best of a unexpected situation.
The fun sex part of submission is so easy, this is where he’ll see how much you are connected to him. You can’t see it now, but you both will be better and stronger for having gone through this together.
Love your daughter all you want, give her lots of love and words of compassion and encouragement. Just because you are not going to do everything her way (and we all know how wise and learned 17 year olds are) does not mean you don’t love her deeply and care about her feelings.
Just remember that he only has yours and your kids best interest at heart. Sometimes kids need tough love.
When in the middle of the storm you can’t see the horizon. Just remember to keep facing the direction you (Master) want to go in.
Blessings
thank you for the chicken enchilada recipe:)
i have added it to my cookbook and will give it a try when the weather clears and i make my next trip to the store.
as for jes-wish i was there to give you a hug and a pat on the back. as a recovering rescuer myself i can imagine that its hard to be tough on jes. i have a feeling things are going to work out. she has you and scott who love her unconditionally and only want what’s best for her and your grandbaby.
hope your mom feels better soon!!!
I hope for Jes, the understanding that comes comes quickly. I got knocked up at 15 had my son at 16, and at 39 am a very lucky mom that i did not screw him up more then he is. No really, i was a c and d student that after he was born went to A’s and B’s graduated early and went on to college, dropped out but went for a while anyway. It is not an easy road, but with my grandparents for help i did it and i thank the powers that be every day that i had them for help. I think online school might be a great idea for her, here in Idaho they have a state wide online school that is free, they even provide computers for the child.
Kaya, for whatever help it may be, in terms of special education law (disability advocacy is my profession and great passion:) pregnancy is considered a disability. If your daughter is between the ages of 3 and 21 (inclusive), her public school district (known as the local education authority or l.e.a. in federal law) is required to provide her a “free and appropriate education” with whatever accomodations are necessary for her disability (in this case pregnancy.) It is quite routine for that to be home based Internet instruction. Not only do districts not charge for this but generally they provide the Internet connection, computer, printer, software, and whatever else it is that is necessary for this to occur. I actually have a daughter who works for a 24/7 tech support line for students on homebased Internet instruction here in Ohio.
I hope this information helps in terms of her educational options and costs. Feel free to contact me if you would like any input on how to advocate for this service for your daughter.
All the best,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.
I just wanted to mention in terms of online classes there are plenty of good options out there. When I was in high school I did classes both through BYU and Texas Tech. I was in a different situation however. I did the classes as a way to fit in more concurrent enrollment and AP classes since I was one of those honor student over achiever types. I liked the BYU classes over the Texas Tech ones because I found them to be slightly better done. Either of those two have options for doing all of HS through them and many high schools will take them for credit if next year she’s going back to a brick and mortar high school. You might want to talk to the school counselor to find out if there are any online high school’s they’re used to taking, in case she might go back to it.
For a point of view reference, I graduated High School in 2005. I was top of my class, and got into all the Ivy leagues, MIT and such… I am currently finishing a double major (Computer Science and Electrical Engineering) @ UW Madison, will be graduating this spring. I did the classes for a very different reason, but had friends who did them to get more free time to work (mainly doing the history and other humanities reqs through them).
Anyway I wish you the best of luck with everything and a merry xmas!
There’s also a correspondance course from Citizens High School. They mail you the books and all of the study guides that you need. It’s completely self paced, which in the given scenario might be a nice luxury. It’s a great program, it’s how I made it through school. (sounds like I’m trying to sell something to you.. haha! Sorry)
Best Wishes!!!
I don’t have any children, nor any experience with your situation. So, I thought about how I might handle the situation if it happened to me.
I would make the following suggestion:
Since you do not believe that Jes has any idea what she is about to get into, would it be possible for her to meet with a small group (say 3-4) of teenage moms her age that could share their experiences raising their child? I am guessing an organization like planned parenthood could give you an idea of how to go about this.
The idea here being that you could ask a few objective, but prodding questions of the group, like “What is it like being a teenage mom?”, “How has your life changed?”, “What would you have done differently?”, “Do you still speak with your baby’s father?”.
(let the school issue come up on its own)
After some conversation, you could leave the room for a little bit and let Jes ask the group some questions in private if she chooses. It will give her the sense that she is discovering some of this information on her own, thereby making it more plausible. I would imagine this would serve as quite an eye opener to her.
Now if your really conniving, you could skew the group in the direction of the decision you would like Jes to make… but that’s a much longer posting…..
That’s just my opinion. I could be wrong. I don’t know anything about raising a teenage girl.