Take your potty break now…
(just cuz I don’t have enough chores and tasks to do, I’m back to entertain you with another long rambling no end in sight post..:)
I was thinking about different types of BDSM relationships. You have your domestic discipline type where the power exchange seems to be limited to discipline/punishment over broken rules but is otherwise equally shared. The spankos, I believe, they like to be called. There is the Sadist/masochist where beatings are “just cuz” and discipline/punishment isn’t really a factor.
I’ve seen, read, comments from the DD types about how they could not handle being beaten ‘for no reason’. I’ve heard opposite comments from the Sado-maso’s about how they could not handle being ‘beaten because of a mistake’. One relationship embraces the concept of emotions like disappointment, anger, frustration, and irritation governing the type and time of being spanked and the other relationship rejects having anything other than a pure, sadistic desire to inflict pain and suffering being that governing body.
I’ve flipped back and forth trying to fit into either of those two examples. And I don’t. I fit into parts of both. I think we are a blend of the heavy end of each one.
Master is a disciplinarian, through and through. He’d make an excellent dictator. He’s strict, firm, and anal to His core. He doesn’t make rules lightly. He doesn’t take transgressions lightly. He’s highly structured and organized, rigid. Everything has a place and by God, it better stay there. I, on the other hand, am flighty. Scatter-brained. I drift and lose focus. He lectures like a drill sergeant, accepts nothing less than the truth and has no qualms whatsoever about punishing me for a mistake. He holds me to His standard and will not hesitate to swat me when I fail.
And He notices everything. EVERYthing. I was used to men who could go an entire week without noticing a hair cut, Master walks into a room and can sniff out something having been moved, or changed. He can open a drawer that hasn’t been opened in weeks and say “where is that “thing” that was in here?” And I won’t even remember that thing being in that drawer, or even remember that we had that thing to begin with. He will remember word for word a conversation from weeks ago when I would vehemently deny ever having had that conversation. I do not try to hide, deny, cover up or excuse anything anymore. He knows. Period. And it’s always better to fess up than to wait for Him to find it. Because He will. Undoubtedly.
In some respects He treats me as a parent would treat a child. Very specific chore lists and rules. He questions everything down to the smallest detail. He watches me like a hawk. He knows all of my acquaintances, He knows who I might come into contact with during the day, He knows *exactly* where I am and about what I am doing 24 hours a day… even from two states away.
I absolutely *thrive* in that environment. It’s controlling, it’s stifling, it’s strict. And I love it. I do sometimes get very flustered, like when He’s grilling me about something that I really honestly don’t remember (my short term memory is horrid, for a reason actually but anyway), or trying to get me to explain something that I had no control over. And while that all sounds unfair and unreasonable, it’s not.. and it’s Him.. and it’s ok.
He does not hesitate to march me over to the corner when I’m getting irritable. He does not hesitate to bend me over the bed and remove His belt with all the same weary determination that any father would have. He does not hesitate to smack my face, grab my chin, or snatch a nipple to get my attention. He’s not swayed by tears or sniveling, apologies don’t count for much, repentant contrite pleas are largely ignored. Punishments are for a reason. I’m not coddled and hugged, kissed or loved. He’s not horny from them and neither am I. Reconnection comes much later… when I’ve really honestly understood my mistake.
He works very hard to get me to learn from my mistakes… so I wont repeat them. And I am.
On the flip side of all of that, He’s a Sadist. A high-end inarguable sadist. He likes to hurt me. He likes to make me cry. He likes making me suffer, knowing that in the strange way that masochists work, I’m liking it too. He walks through store aisles picking up objects that might could possibly cause me great agony with sparks in His eyes… and waves them at me.. just to watch me pale. He has big plans for dungeons and cages and rooms in the basement, for turning me into a toy, for whittling me down to nothing but holes to fuck and skin to welt. He looks at pictures and gets ideas, shows them to me with an excited “lets do THAT!” to which I always say “no way!” and run because we both know I ain’t going far and if He wants it, it will happen.
He has a gentle side too but no one wants to hear about THAT.
He’s also hell bent on doing “this” in exactly the style He wants to, on exactly the time frame He wants to, according to the mood He’s in. He’s got me on a training program of sorts… things that I do everyday above and beyond the household slave chores, things to make my body respond to Him in the way that He wants. From ben-wa balls to butt plugs, to self-torture to increase my pain tolerance. To isolation/meditation times to become acclimated to extended periods of being ignored. And even now, this new 200 clothespins while chanting Master-ly words… associating and accepting pain (even by my own hand) at His will. My diet, body shape and size is being molded and controlled. I’m learning other, more valuable, internal things. Controlling my temper. Watching my mouth. Even how to give a good blow job when I’d quite happily bite the fucker off. (if I wasn’t a slave of course)
The kicker in all this is initially, this was all my idea.. I’m the one who had the romantic ideas of cunt in a cage… of being dehumanized and objectified… of being owned by a maniac. Or I should say that Master wanted it.. but didn’t believe it possible. It was His pipe dream. And now… oh now I have no say in a god damn thing and that just kinda sucks you know? I keep coming back to, hey, I started this why can’t I call it quits? And I don’t want to really but I had no CLUE how hard this would be. He knew. He was hesitant. I bulldozed right on up, hopping up and down and begging, can we, can we, huh huh can we?? Now that its in motion.. there is no going back. He’s gotten a big taste of it and He’s committed to finishing it. Quite honestly, that scares me.
It’s one thing to say “yes Master, I want You to whip me as long and as hard as You want to and ignore me when I beg you to stop” and it’s another to actually be on the receiving end of that whip, in agony and begging with every fiber of your being and He is not stopping. Who knew that the dream and the reality would be so vastly different??
So that’s Him in a nutshell. I’m just a lowly light-weight masochist.
I feel light weight because He routinely drops me to my knees in pain, makes me sob and beg and crave a cage or a closet to take refuge in. Other people try to convince me I’m a “heavy player” and maybe I would be.. with a lighter Sadist. They say those things because of the pictures I post I guess. But that’s not a testament to my masochism levels. It’s a testament to my submissive levels. Trust me when I say that other than getting off on pleasing Him.. most of those pictures hurt like a motherfucker. In comparison to what Master *wants* to do.. I’m a baby. A pussy. A wimp. And I know He’s letting me off lightly. I know He’s going easy on me. I’ve gotten tastes of what lurks in Him and I know it’s 100x worse than what I’ve got. I also know that someday soon… He won’t be holding back. And I’ll be fucked.
That realization makes me feel a bit like a deer in headlights.
And also makes me want to kick my kids out and get the party started.
Master comes at me hot and heavy most of the time. Strict, firm, consistent, relentless. And when He has a day or a few days in a row where He’s otherwise occupied, or simply feeling loving and gentle… I am as lost as any little puppy could be. It’s such an extreme difference when ‘normalcy’ takes over this household. I do come to irrational conclusions. I make up elaborate and false reasons for the sudden shift in atmosphere. My foundation crumbles very very quickly because I am holding onto the path He’s leading me on with a pinky tip. But.. I’m learning that these times aren’t the proverbial brick walls that I make them out to be.. and I’m working on halting those feelings before they grab ahold of me.. and I’m finding out that by relinquishing my Nazi hold on the bdsm watchtower, Master is letting those times happen less and less.. and He’s getting more strict… more determined.. more sadistic.. and it’s working out the best for the both of us.
But back to the punishment vs. sadism thing. When Master is in control and He’s beating me because He wants to.. I am perfectly 100% fine with that whole concept. When He’s punishing me because I’ve failed Him somehow, I am also, 100% fine with that. What I am not fine with is when I WANT to be beaten.. when I want to be humiliated and degraded and used and abused… when I’m feeling that under-the-skin, un-scratchable itch to be hurt badly…. and have no clue how to communicate that to Master. I cannot walk up and request to be beaten or used to that extent.. I cannot process the emotions, the unnatural and *wrong* desires I have to be knocked down that low.. to be used harshly… I haven’t yet accepted that about myself. So to get what I need and still be able to save face, I disobey.. I push… I have temper tantrums and press His buttons. I’m poking a hornets nest with a stick waiting to be stung.
And if I poke long enough and hard enough.. He’ll sting me alright. Hard. And I’ve gotten that itch scratched, deep and hard, just as I needed without having to face the fact that I am one fucked up little cunt. I got beat because I broke a rule. Because I toed the line. Not because I’m twisted.
It’s an entirely dishonest approach to accepting what I am. One that I’m able to at least voice right now, but maybe not fix. The one unalterable truth that covers everything though is that at the end of the line… I’ll be living in a cage. In a closet. As His toy, His object. And I think I’ll like it. When I think about those things, my propensity to break rules and try to “make” Him beat me simply pales in comparison. I won’t need to worry about those things.. so maybe I should just enjoy this while I can.
You know we’ve only lived together for a year and a half? A year and a half! That’s a drop in the bucket compared to most of the journals I read.. where 15 and 20 year anniversaries are coming up,, and those people are still working on the same issues that Master and I are on. And on top of the whole speedway to object-land, He’s moved into the step-father role to three spoiled brats (4 if you count me). I think we’ve come a LONG LONG way in a year and a half.
I’m making newbie mistakes because I AM a newbie…lol. I’ve played with other Doms… but never ever on this level..not by a long shot. It’s overwhelmingly…. overwhelming..lol. And this isn’t play.. it’s life. But its a scary life.. and a shocking life.. and at times I’m consumed with doubt and insecurity. So I ask and test and push and cry and back track and freak out.. but I also always come right back to Him and to His control. I’m also trying to shed 14 years of being a single parent to three kids, from being completely independent, from being strong-willed and doing whatever I wanted, from financial matters to what color paint was on the walls, from being “a little kinky in the bedroom” ..all the way over to realizing and accepting that He can and will control my everything.
I guess I don’t really have a point or plot here. I’m lonely… :( I miss my Man. Thanks for sticking with me though…:)
Tags: ramblings
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday January 16th, 2006 2:46pm
*hugggggggssssssssssss kaya very very tight*.. it doesn’t matter if you don’t have a point, or a plot. This is your blog, and you write in it how you are feeling, what you are thinking, if you don’t have a point, *shrugs*.. so what? Whats important is that your friends are reading, empathising, hugging, staying with ya, every step of the way.
oh and you’re wrong about one thing. I want to hear about the gentle stuff. see, i’m greedy. I want to hear about it all. no wonder you n i get on so well. both greedy grasping lil slutslaves. *grins*. (and i knew you’d get ‘kinkeeee’.. i just *knew* it..)
you’re right though. You have come a long way in a year and a half, that part really surprised me. Master n i have been living together nearly 3 years now (i really should post the story of how we got together sometime.. ). I think the key difference is perhaps in how ready you two were when you met for a journey like this. You two were both obviously very very ready to undertake this.. i know i would never in a million years have been ready to undertake this kind of thing when i first got together with BP; i’m not sure i ever will be ready, or be sure that the path you’re on is the right one for me/us.
hugggggggggggssssssssss tight again
keth
xxxxxxx
key to our “success” thus far
keth,
I think that the key to our success is we sat down and talked and talked and talked..even before we became official. LIKE months on end….about limits, desires, feelings, roles, etc etc etc……even where we wanted to go. COMMUNICATION is the key….totally….why as a slave..she can question me..and is allowed..of course unless i don’t want to hear it..and all..but that’s another subject that we are working through. anyways….we discuss EVERYTHING> from…ow, fucking you raw last night hurt my cock…to lessons learned to what was successful and what wasn’t during a session (play, discipline, punishment). Also helps that we are intune with each other. Can sometimes think of what the other is up to or wants etc.
Just my two cents.
Master of kaya
Re: key to our “success” thus far
“ow, fucking you raw last night hurt my cock”
There is justice in the world.
Re: key to our “success” thus far
kaya’s Master,
from what you have said i think you may well be right, about communication being the key. I know that when Master and i communicate what is going on in our heads, our relationship improves, or perhaps, i feel that it does.
however, i think the point that i was trying to make is that when you two did that sitting down and talking; you both knew what it was, or clarified, through those months of talking, what it was that you wanted. Your own minds were very clear about the journey that you wanted to embark on, what your own needs and desires were. And thats what i mean when i say that you two were maybe further on in the journey than other people when you actually started down the path together, or all that communication that you did actually created that situation. i think too many people aren’t clear in their own minds what they want and need, that as time goes by and they do more reading and thinking and communicating, feeling that things aren’t working, trying new things out… all that takes time.
As an example, I know when Master and i got together, there was no way that i was ready mentally to embark on an M/s relationship, although i knew i wanted a fairly deep D/s one, and it wasn’t until last summer that i was anywhere near ready to even start thinking about it. (the reasons why are long and complex and i am not going to hijack kaya’s blog for it.. LOL).
Anyway kaya’s blog has triggered a thought process in my own mind which is still going on – your kaya seems to have something of a gift for doing that, writing in such a way that makes people think, “oh yeahhhh”.. its part of why people come back again and again to head her, and why she’s such a gifted writer.
Thank you, by the way, for allowing us to peek into your lives and learn from you both. I know you don’t do it for us (rather for kaya), but… thank you anyway.
keth
xxxxx
Re: key to our “success” thus far
You are right, kethry. We both knew just about what we wanted when we started this. And we started with the added benefit as Master/slave and not trying to move into other roles.
And while things have been consistently ramped up over this short year and a half, it started off pretty heavy in the grand scheme of things.
Thank YOU, for reading and commenting.
*hugs*
Master is one of those “fucking sadists.” He likes to cause me pain, and he gets off when i cry.
that really sucks. i’m not a pain slut. i don’t like to hurt. in fact, i think i’m allergic to pain, but giving me benedryl really only makes me sleepy so i can’t fight back. pain is bad.
however, i’m a control whore. i don’t know if anyone else has ever used that term, but its the way i see myself and the way i see my place in the relationship with Master. i crave his control. i crave being the dumb slut who does what she’s told, not having to worry about anything beyond making sure that he’s happy and content. the mental control that allows him to humiliate and degrade me gives me the safety to accept and enjoy when he uses me that way. its comforting. i can try to accept the pain, but not because i want it or because i like it — but instead because the control that he uses to make me stand there and take it makes me wetter than … well, i don’t know what to compare that to, so i’ll just stop that thought there.
i don’t think i really have a point right now either. but that’s the response that was sparked by your words.
~ fucktoy
I’m gonna repeat myself here:
“I don’t think of myself as a painslut.. and the truth is, I don’t know what a painslut IS anymore. I can identify with the masochism as far as humiliation goes, mental suffering if you will.
But the pain… the pain hurts. Alot of the time, it just hurts. Of course there are times when it hurts-so-good.. and I deal with the too painful times by turning to the humiliated masochist part of me… but I for sure can’t deny that my crotch is swimming. Betraying cunts, yes. I agree. I’m almost deciding that the juices produced from pain I don’t like is my pussy’s attempt to flee my body.. and NOT an indication of horniness…:)”
I wonder.. are any of us really painsluts? Is that what a painslut is? Just taking it? It all can get so complicated.
:) I love it when you have no point….your “rambles” are wonderful :)
*kisssses*
Oh you have just opened Pandora’s box…:)
I agree with kethrybp. I want to hear about the gentle stuff too. And don’t ever stop rambling; I’d read them even if they were as long as a book :)
i’ve always craved for a Master’s complete control over my everything. It was a dream when i enetered the BDSM world… and after some Doms i’ve been with i decided it could be nothing but a fantasy, a desire. i’m strong, i’m self-confident, i’ve always taken care of myself by myself…no one could do that bettere than i did.
Now i’ve found THAT Master…The dream is a reality. And i think i’m a “control slut” as well :) But sometime i still make newbie mistakes because… because when the dream comes true you need a little more time to wake up and see it’s really happening.
i hope it makes sense..
hugs!
schiava – http://schiava.blogspot.com
You always make sense…:) And I’m so happy you found that Master. You deserve it.
*hugs*
Damn, I’m sorry baby – you were lonely, and I wasn’t around to help. (I was in the recliner, but I was comatose … who knew three tylenol pm’s could knock out an old druggie like me??)On the other hand, though, my absence resulted in this wonderful post, so I don’t feel too horrible.
I think the one thing that has surprised me the most (while paradoxically being the one thing I expected) was the difference between abstract and actual. The realities of living this life, living it every freaking day, whether we want to or not, whether or not we have cramps, or pms, or just plain don’t wanna do it that day …
We thought we knew what we were getting into, thought we understood.
(And I do totally get it, btw, how hard it is to just stand up and admit to the deep dark kinky things.)
“of being owned by a maniac” … omg how this line made me laugh. Let’s hear it for the Maniacs … and the women who love them.
Sorry if i get too long winded *smile*
As i was reading this i am thinking “Damn our Master’s would have a good time together, They sound soooo much alike”. Then i think, “Damn i hope that never happens because we would be in so much trouble”. Seriously, i swear in so many ways They are similar. i do not think i can make this a short comment, but i will try. Master is a disciplinarian, maybe a lot of that comes from His special ops training, but whatever the case He is a disciplinarian. He is very organized, and man oh man was it a struggle for me when He first took charge of my wear abouts. i am an ADHD adult…lol..and i have to make lists to remember things, and then i may not remember. i program reminders in my cell phone. Hell, i leave voicemails for myself sometimes. Master, nothing gets past Him. i have never in my life been with a man that notices every little detail. New eyeshadow today….have you ever worn that before?…He notices the tiniest details. i know i cannot get nothing past Him and there is no sense in even trying. The parent thing..yes! i have often said that too but i thrive under His control..under His organization, under His strictness, under His rules. i thrive under His control and the tighter the rein the more i seem to thrive. Master punishes when it is needed, and that is tough love because i know that He takes no pleasure in punishment. Does not matter if i cry beg plead if He said i will be punished then i will be. He has a very soft side that most people will not see, but He allows me to see and that is my Daddy. That side treats me like a little slutty girl and He pets me and loves me. As much as He does not like to punish me He takes great pleasure in hurting me. Yes, He does and He takes great pleasure in sending me pictures (like the one that He sent today that made me so sick with fear that i thought i might vomit). However, knowing that if He chose to do this to me that i would surrender because i want….i need…to make Him happy. He beats me, cuts me, burns me, kicks me, makes me His toilet and well any number of things and there is a part of me that has found a place to enjoy this…but the enjoyment centers around Him. It centers around pleasing Him and enduring for Him and i find myself only wanting to be able to take more for Him. Now with all that said and done…not many times has He actually beat me when “the animal” was feeling unleashed. Yes, that is what it feels..not very often, but on occassion i feel like there is a wild animal in me that has been slumbering and something has awakened the beast and it is wanting to tear out of me. i feel such an overwhelming need for Him to beat it back down that i feel almost like i cannot think straight. That is how i have tried to describe it to Master, and not even sure if i describe it well then. i know that when people have told me i am a painslut that it used to really scare the shit out of me. Not me, not a painslut. But dammit then what am i? i do enjoy it. i enjoy bleeding for Him, i enjoy Him punching me, biting me, kicking me, tying me, beating me, hurting me. i do enjoy it and even when it hurts my body betrays me and begins to drip…stupid cunt..not you, but me *grin*. Anyway, i just wanted to let you know that i do think i understand that need sometimes that is so overwhelming to be beaten. Also, i just had to respond because so much reminded me of Master. Being a slave is not always easy, but it is damn worth it. ((hugs))
aphrodite
Re: Sorry if i get too long winded *smile*
We must work very hard to keep them apart. Always…:)
I don’t think of myself as a painslut.. and the truth is, I don’t know what a painslut IS anymore. I can identify with the masochism as far as humiliation goes, mental suffering if you will.
But the pain… the pain hurts. Alot of the time, it just hurts. Of course there are times when it hurts-so-good.. and I deal with the too painful times by turning to the humiliated masochist part of me… but I for sure can’t deny that my crotch is swimming. Betraying cunts, yes. I agree. I’m almost deciding that the juices produced from pain I don’t like is my pussy’s attempt to flee my body.. and NOT an indication of horniness…:)
It can all get very complicated when you try to fit into labels. Thank you for reading.
*hugs*
Re: Sorry if i get too long winded *smile*
Thanks for the response! i am not so sure i know what a painslut is either, and that is why i have always gotten a bit scared when someone has referred to me as such. All i could ever imagine is someone saying i am a painslut and then another person really taking it to heart and well not being able to take it. Hmmmm….i think i will tell Master of your findings regarding the juices produced from pain. i wonder if He will buy into it?? Probably not…and probably would not care anyway *grin*. At least i can try though *wink*
aphrodite