Blurred Lines

It’s been a couple of blucky days.

The other day, Master told me I was getting a bit too critical toward him. I’m treating him like a husband, and expecting from him the behaviors and mannerisms of a husband.

Husband and wife is a title, a formality for practical purposes. It makes certain legal/financial matters easier.

But it makes other things harder.

I’ve let husband and wife and all it encompasses replace Master and slave.

I’ve got a lot to think about.

I might take a couple of days, if he grants me permission that is, and try and find my focus. Back off of things that are distracting me.

Y’all behave (better than I am anyway).

~cunt

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“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”

Master and I had a little spat the other day. It was nothing serious, I don’t even remember what it was about or who started it. One of us snapped at the other, the other snapped back and before the end of it, I was walking away with my little feelings all hurt.

I’ve come a long way in learning how to “fight”. We both have. It’s sad to say that neither of us had a clue how to do that effectively when we first met. But we’re better, the two of us. It’s no longer a character assassination, we aren’t out to wound each other or to “win”. And every spat does not signal the beginning of the end. In other words, there is no reason for me to stomp off and start throwing my clothes in a box simply because we don’t see eye to eye on every subject in the world.

Oh yes, we really were that bad.

Progressive as we have been, I’m still trying to learn an appropriate way to be angry. Slavery and submission complicates what is already a complicated thing, don’t you think?

There is one thing that I do pretty consistently when I’m angry that I really need to stop doing. It’s such a small thing, and probably sounds stupid-silly.

I’ll sneak off to the bathroom without asking. Dumb, right?

I know I’m going to get caught. I know it’s going to piss him off and I know he’ll punish me for it. I know it only makes a bad situation worse.

I know all of that. I do it anyway.

But I feel bad when I do it. I’m not trying to rub disobedience in his face, I don’t *want* to get caught. I don’t want him to catch me. You’ve never seen a faster peer than me in those seconds when I’m trying to get done before he wonders where I went. I don’t want to be punished and I hate hate hate that moment when I’m in there and I hear his footsteps approaching the door and then that quiet knock.

It’s really a god-awful, stomach-sinking feeling.

Then there is The Talk and The Look and The Consequence. It all just makes me want to drop through the floor and die.

Yet, the next time I’m angry or hurt, I’ll do it again.

So this time, after it happened and after I got caught, I took the time where I wasn’t allowed to do anything else (The Consequence) and really tried to examine why I do this, every single time. There had to be a connection, because it’s only that one thing, that one rule that I break.

If it were a matter of simple disobedience, then I’d run around willy-nilly breaking all the rules. But I don’t. No other, except that one.

I’m not deliberately trying to make him angry. There are far more effective ways to do that! And if it were that, I’d flaunt it. I’d strut right past him on my way to the bathroom and slam the door in his face. I don’t do that. I’m furtive and sneaky and wait until he’s in the other room and I have reason to think he’ll be in there long enough that I can get in and out before he notices.

It’s not a matter of trying to snatch back some control either. I could do that in any number of ways that it’d be way more blatant than going pee.

It’s always just that one single thing. I otherwise serve and perform and behave as if nothing had happened. Perhaps with a bit more… oomph? I might be a little more, um, enthusiastic about handing him his coffee cup. I might add some extra-special voice tone to “You’re coffee, Master.”

But other blatant or deliberate acting out just doesn’t happen.

Or so I thought.

I happened to think of another one while I was pondering.

I’ll often, but not always, try to get into bed without getting naked. I’m not always successful in that because if he’s already there and is watching me get into bed, I cannot be deliberately disobedient under his watchful eye. But if he’s not there yet and I’m getting into bed first, I keep as many clothes on as possible.

I’m not supposed to wear clothes to bed.

I remembered that and suddenly it was all clear to me. Because I know exactly why I try and keep my clothes on when I’m angry.

I hate sleeping with any clothes on. I didn’t need that to be a rule in the first place. Clothes make me feel tied up and strangled when I’m sleeping. I slept naked before I met him. I’ll sleep for shit if I have clothes on in bed.

But I’ll try and keep them on because being naked in front of him makes me feel vulnerable.

Anger is a protective emotion. When I feel hurt or afraid, rejected, invalidated (and any one of those can be the result of something that he and I disagree about. Especially considering that, very often, my opinion is dismissed due to being the slave and having to acquiesce to his wishes) anger forms a protective layer to keep from being further exploited or wounded.

I don’t want to let go of that protection. I need to hold on to it until I’ve come to terms with having been overruled, or invalidated. It’s not that I’m pouting or stewing, I’m dealing, but without allowing myself to be “harmed” any more.

Vulnerability, exposing myself (in body or emotions) in front of him, erases anger. I can’t maintain that protective exterior, the anger, when I’m vulnerable. The two emotions just don’t mesh and vulnerability wins out.

If I lose that protective shield before I’ve made my peace with being dismissed/overruled, well I don’t know what will happen. I might implode or something.

So I try and avoid situations with him that put me in a vulnerable position. Like being naked. And, most especially, asking to use the bathroom. I avoid them until I can do them- on my terms.

The reason why asking to use the bathrom makes me feel so vulnerable doesn’t matter, I don’t think. It just does. You’ve no idea how humiliating and degrading it is to have to do that when I’m NOT raw from whatever disagreement we may have had. I… bah… I can’t even explain it.

The goal, that I can see, isn’t in erasing the vulnerability that I feel. In fact, I dare say keeping that vulnerability is important.

The goal is, perhaps, not shutting him out of that. Not wrapping myself up in that protective blanket of anger and excluding him from the process.

Not being vulnerable on my terms- but on his.

I need to not believe that I’m losing something if I let go. That there is nothing to be gained in trying to hold so tight to that control. That I am, in fact, losing something every time I wrap myself up in that security blanket.

Preferably without imploding, though. I have enough to clean as it is.

~cunt

ps. Day 4 with no revenge extracted. I think the statute of limitations is up, don’t you? Too bad so sad!

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What’s Happenin’?

Today is Master’s birthday. Happy birthday! I have to go to the store to get the fixin’s for his favorite dish (lasagna) and to make a cake. Or maybe I’ll buy a cake. Bakery cakes are so much yummier than Betty Crocker. I have a present for him and a card and fun! Tomorrow night we’re going to a comedy show with some peeps.

I hope I get spanked! Maybe a Birthday Blowjob can be worked in there somewhere too.

It seems kind of ridiculous for me to “offer” a birthday blowjob when he can get a blowjob any ol’ time he wants one, though. It’s like offering an m&m to someone who owns a candy store. :/

Oooooh.. maybe if I smother his cock in frosting and poke a candle in it?

*snicker* Can you imagine the look on his face if I stuffed a birthday candle down his cock? 

Okay. Enough of that. These kind of thoughts don’t usually bode well for me. ;-)

I’ve been busy here. Staying out of trouble….. mostly.

I’ve been working on some kinky craft orders. Getting them sent out soon. I’m still selling them if anyone is wondering. Just zip me off an email (kaya at underhishand). Same goes for the clips on a cd, too.

We’ve been remodeling an upstairs bedroom, we have a new dog, the kids never leave the house anymore, I’m struggling with a deep NEED for pain but it’s hiding behind an intense FEAR of pain. The usual stuff. ;)

Master and I got into a little spat Sunday evening. Part of it was pms-fueled, but even at that, I felt like we both handled it all pretty decently. Whereas in the past we might have continued to poke at each other, to fan the flames into a huge blow out, we didn’t do that this time.

I’ve been working on this issue specifically. How to handle being angry with the All-Powerful Owner. It’s such a futile gesture, this business of being angry with him, one that would have me spinning my wheels in frustration. Frustration that heightened the angry emotions, communication would break down, submission took a flying leap out the window, words would be said, accusations, hurt feelings… the works.

In the past, I used being angry as a punishment to those around me. In other relationships, there was a price to pay for pissing me off. And I don’t mean getting pissed off because the cap was left off the toothpaste or some silly shit like that… but really important issues, things that were big to me. If someone (a partner) crossed that line, I’d get mad. And I’d stay mad for.. days. Days upon days upon days.

I can be a bitch (I know. Hard to believe huh? :D ) and I can be cruel, both with my words and my actions. I’d use that to “punish” the person. The tension in the  house would be insanely intense. It takes a lot of energy to “win” that way. Of course my goal was to get them to think twice the next time they were contemplating crossing the line, MY line, and pissing me off again.

Sad thing is, it worked. On them. It does NOT work on Master.

Imagine my surprise.

It was hard though, because I only knew one way to be angry. That way. The way I’d always done it, the way that had always made me the winner.

That approach is not only damaging in a normal, equal relationship, it’s even worse in a power exchange relationship. I was hardly showing off my submissive colors by setting out to “win” an argument with Master.

I’d like to say that once I made the choice to be a slave and to hand over all control, that it was as simple as handing over the tv remote. But it wasn’t. It’s not. It’s been, and will continue to be, an ongoing process as little pieces are plucked, things that I am not even aware that I’m hanging on to, until it smacks me in the face.

Trying to win an argument is a way of trying to have control. Of course it is. You’d think it would be easy to KNOW that. Maybe it is, intellectually. Not so much though, when you’re in the middle of the argument and what you have to do is quiet down.. and submit.

I have to sit back and examine the beginning of the argument. Give up trying to pinpoint where HE went wrong and ask myself with brutal honesty: “where did I go wrong? How could I have handled that better as a submissive? At what point did *I* try to take control?”

To have to swallow my pride, especially if I am (or feel I am) right and justified in my position, to let go of the anger and the self-righteous attitude? Monumentally difficult. At least, it has been for me.

But, it works. In any relationship, finding what works is the key to making it a success. Master isn’t interested in always being right, or in always overruling me. It’s not a matter of him needing to “win” an argument. It’s really just me being submissive. Even when… especially when… it’s difficult. The harder I fight submission, the harder he pushes to get it.

Maybe I could stand there with my arms crossed and eventually, by sheer stubborness, he’d give up and LET me win. Maybe after that I would make a show of submission by mumbling an empty apology for being a bitch before skipping off on my merry, victorious way. And maybe that wouldn’t do permanent, fundamental damage to the core of us.

Maybe. I’ve done it before.

Or, maybe, after several days of clashing of wills, I’d be the one to give in and give up in the face of his stubborness.. and submit.. but not out of any genuine acquiescence. Out of exhaustion perhaps, or defeatism. And maybe that wouldn’t do any permanent damage either.

I’ve done that before, too.

But you know what happens when I check my ‘stubborn’ at the door? When I remember that I’m a submissive and that this man, who I entrusted my life to, is making the decisions and gets to drive?

Well I’ll tell you what you don’t get. You don’t get damage. You don’t get days of tense, exhausting fighting. You don’t have character assassination as each of you try and gain the upper hand. You don’t end up having said anything that you regret or wish you could take back or have to apologize for. You don’t break anything.

You get appeasement. You get compliance. Tractability, servility, humbleness and humility. And appreciation. I get appreciation. I have a Master who was prepared to fight for what is his.. my submission.. and didn’t have to. Because I willingly offered it, at a time when it was -is- the most difficult for me. I still did not “win”…. but I feel like I did. I didn’t get my way, but I got a hug, I got a kiss, I got a happy Master.

A happy Master makes me a happy slave. :-)

~cunt

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