I have rants. Let me show you them.

Rant #1-

My ex-father in law chose not to come and see us when we were visiting in Illinois. Because he is divorced from the ex-MIL, he avoids gatherings where she might show. Totally fine and totally his choice to make.

However.

Do NOT make my child cry over feeling guilty because we did not stop and see YOU. We crammed an 880 mile round trip and two parties (that I had to prepare for when I got there!) into three fucking days with myself and 3 teenagers so don’t EVEN lay the guilt trip on my kid because you chose to sit on your ass and not leave your house.

Seriously. Jes was in tears when she got off the phone with him. I was LIVID.

So I called him back. Look here, I said, please don’t make her feel bad over a decision that I made. It wasn’t up to her whether or not we stopped to see you. It was up to me and I decided not to. We had a lot going on, it was a long drive and while I would have liked for the kids to visit you, it didn’t work out that way. You are more than welcome to come here and visit us any time you want to. But if you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me.

So he falls all over himself reassuring me that he wasn’t trying to make her feel bad and he isn’t mad and he didn’t mean anything and he knows we were busy, yada yada yada.

Then.

He mails a card to Brandon. In it is a note to Jes. It says “We waited for you guys to stop by. We bought presents for the baby. Maybe next time you’ll stop.”

That’s it. Word for fucking word.

Seriously? Seriously? Fuck OFF.

I am incredibly finished with my ex’s family. Every single one of them. No lie. No more invitations, no more nothing.

I left that family by divorcing their loser of a son 15 fucking years ago. My children were INFANTS. Like, literally. Infants. Jes was 2, Am was 1 and I was pregnant with the boy. What? Were they supposed to call and arrange visitation schedules in baby talk? Wtf.

In my opinion, maintaining relationships like that falls to the adults. To THEM. To their son. It’s HIS job to plan birthday parties and holidays and make sure the kids got there to visit. NOT MINE.

It wasn’t enough that I DID invite them to every single birthday party that I had (when I didn’t even want them there considering that we aren’t family anymore!) That I made sure the kids got there, and got home, for Christmas and Thanksgiving, sharing MY time with the kids when I would much rather they spent holidays with myself and my family.

And all I ever heard about that is how “they only contact us on a holiday.” *whine*

Well, pick up the fucking phone! You are the adult here. The onus lies on YOU. Not on kids!

Gah! I’m so mad I could spit.

I’m just done. So done. They’re all fuckheads.

*scrubs my hands together viciously* There! I have washed my hands of you!

~~*~~

Rant #2-

To FR:

An unwed teenage mother!

Oh noes!

Teh horror!

Really? So, like, she should go kill herself or something? Or is it that I should be hanging my head in shame because of my “awful parenting”?

Honest to Pete. What a twit.

It happened. It’s done. There is no going back in time and changing it. So while you sit over there and rant about that awful parenting of mine, I’ll be cuddling my granddaughter and helping my daughter become a mother.

I could think of worse ways to spend my time. Like, say, bitching about all those blogs that you claim you don’t read.

Taking the hard road doesn’t come without its benefits. She’ll be a stronger and better person for it. This may not be what I’d have chosen for her, but it’s what she chose for herself. My love and support doesn’t end just because of that.

What a pity that any mother would think it should.

Apparenty, none of my kids are going to be easy. They all have minds and distinct individual personalities. I’d much rather they be this way than tiny little drones following the sheeple herd, too afraid to rock the boat.

But, neither are Master and I “easy”. You can call it drama, you can call it whatever you want. We call it living. I wouldn’t trade one second of our life for all the non-drama in the world. There is nothing we have been through that hasn’t brought us closer together and cemented us as a couple.

I’m pretty suspicious of people who claim to never have a rocky road to travel, yanno? That whole “dog shit on the carpet” thing.

Smooth sailing doesn’t necessarily build character or strengthen a relationship. What’s going to happen the first time the wind blows if you haven’t learned any techniques to get through a storm?

And, God, what does it say about a person who spends half her day trying desperately to reassure anyone listening how wonderful her life is while slamming anyone who dares to bring up something stinky? I can’t even imagine the insecurity that exists in people like that. If they had any clue that they’re displaying the exact opposite of the image they are trying so hard to show.

I mean, it’s pitiful really. I should have sympathy and if she wasn’t such a bitch, I might!

I’m never going to be ashamed that Master and I have “moments” of not being perfect. I am never going to be ashamed of my kids or of the choices they make. I am never going to be ashamed of having pms, of having to work at submission, of not being the greatest cook or the world’s best gardener.

I’m just not. I am me and sometimes I stink. The End.

Love me or hate me, but for God’s sake, find something else to do with your time. Flattering as it is, your obsession with me is kinda creepy.

Shoo.

~~*~~

Rant #3-

When I was in Illinois, I wore shorts. And I was sweating!

Here, we’re still running the furnace.

When I was in Illinois, my mother’s flowers were blooming, the garden was planted; they were picking strawberries!

Here, we’re still running the furnace.

When I was in Illinois, we turned the fans on cuz it was hot!

Here, we’re still running the furnace.

When I was in Illinois, my sister was swimming in her pool.

Here, we’re still running the fucking furnace!

In conclusion- I’d like to move to Illinois please.

~~*~~

Rant #4-

I find it hard to believe that I have taste buds so vasty different than the 310 people who rated this recipe with 4 or 5 stars when, in actuality, it tasted like slow simmered dog food.

It smelled good! Tasted like crap.

AND wasted an entire package of boneless pork chops.

I’m going through a period of kitchen fail at the moment. It’s frustrating. I can’t remember what other dish I made that was horrific but it was pretty recently whatever it was. Times like this makes me want to revert to packaged meals that are impossible to mangle.

~~*~~

Rant #5-

I? Am a fatass.

It’s true.

I fattened up over the winter like the Thansgiving turkey. No one to blame but myself. I stepped on a scale at a friend’s house a couple of weeks ago and… oh. my. God.

Fat. Ass.

So! Expect to see a fair amount of diet/exercise talk on this blog in the near future. I’m not aiming for skinny-mini (Master doesn’t like them bony girls!), I’ll be happy with tying my shoes and breathing at the same time.

Besides. I have to shed some pounds because I am going to make Master take me to Spank in August. *nods* Y’all should plan to go, too. We could have a party! (seriously though. How cool would it be to meet up with you all?! I could give you those cookies I keep promising!)

AND we have a guest coming right after that.

Must. Lose. Weight.

20lbs by the end of August. That’s my goal.

~~*~~

Rant #Ilostcount-

American Idol.

America, you disappoint me. You SO chose the wrong guy.

It’s way belated but needed to be said.

Kris=Fail.
Adam=Win.

I can’t even figure out how Kris stole the votes. Adam is a GOD. Kris is a… a… a cow fart counter.

Bah.

~~*~~

Rant#Million-

The kids only have two days of school left.

Need I say more?

*sob*

~~*~~

I might be done. For now.

I guess the “Die, Motherfucker, DIE!” portion of pms was just late to the party.

~cunt

The Learning Curve

(Another Fetlife rant brought to you by the letters U, R, and D-U-M-B)

I maintain that the only (and best) teacher for me when it comes to matters of slavery and service is Master.

Everyone else is great for sharing and comparing, for conversation, forging friendships (or enemies, as the case may be).

When it comes to knowing what he wants and how he wants it done, who *else* could teach me that??

So, I mentioned that I get irritated by people, especially slaves who are less than 3 weeks into their M/s relationship, who want to *teach* me stuff about *their* slavery.

Not tell me about it. Not share stories. But *teach* And some little snot-nosed brat replies that that’s “sad that I think one person knows everything and that no one can teach me anything”.

I am not their slave so pleasing them isn’t at the top of my list. Knowing how to please their Master is not even ON my list. So where do they figure they can *teach* me anything?

I may or may not be interesed in what they do, but as a learning tool? I don’t fucking think so.

Now if Master had said to me “cunt, you need to learn how she does that.” – that’s a whole different ballgame! I’d be begging her to teach me, whether she’d been doing it for 5 minutes or 20 years.

I can’t imagine the ego behind “I have things to teach you” type statements. Just blows me away.

I could spend all day learning what someone else has to teach, but if it’s not something that Master has an interest in, *how* have I served him that day?

This should not irritate me as much as it does. Gah. I’m such a bitch.

~cunt

A Danger to Society

That’s the message being sent out by Nine Deuce in her various posts about bdsm.

All of us who engage in the nefarious practices of bdsm are a threat to feminism. We’re public enemy numero uno.

Now, she claims to be on a mission of trying to understand bdsm, really wanting to understand why we (we, as in the submissive females and the dominant males) do what we do and how we justify the damage we’re doing to the millions of women who have fought so bloody hard to give us a better life than the one we choose to live.

Having read through her posts and waded into the hundreds upon hundreds of comments (and read her oh-so-articulate replies like “fuck off” and “go fuck yourself” and “stay the fuck off of my blog” and her tendency to delete comments willy-nilly) I’m rather convinced that she’s not, actually, wanting to understand anything. She has an agenda. (But then, don’t we all? I have one, too. To be left alone, free from the ignorance and hatred she vomits into cyberspace on a regular basis.)

Of course, having a blog as ones personal space to bash bdsm is A-OK in my book. I have a blog that glorifies bdsm (sort of and sometimes) so, sure, bash away, and have a good time doing it.

What interests me about her blog is her apparent honest belief that we cult-ish bdsm peeps are a threat to her world. I mean, I suppose we get used to hearing that we’re “sick, twisted, damaged, blah blah blah” – but to hear that by the very nature of expressing our sexuality we’re dangerous to society as a whole? It’s kind of flattering, isn’t it?

Who knew we held so much power? Honestly, my head could begin to swell right now! I am already planning what I’ll do when I take over the world, right after I finish with this very slow, very tedious, very very loooooong process of destroying feminism by bending over for a spanking now and then.

(insert eyerolls at will)

I actually enjoy a good debate, especially a debate about bdsm and it’s practices, as well as its effects, if any, on society. And I truly like delving into the why’s of it all. Why am I like this? Why are you like that? Why is HE like THAT? But the thing that immediately made me dismiss her as a voice worth listening to was her insistence that she *only* hear from/talk about/ talk to the M/f members of bdsm, while simulataneously blaming that group for the nullification of the feminist movement.

Conveniently, that group are the ones who are a product of a damaged society and who are continuing to damage society. Switches, F/m, F/f, male submissives- you are all safe and free from judgement. You all mess up her theory so let’s just exclude you completely. (Isn’t there a name for that, where one excludes data that disproves the theory?)

Let’s say I had a theory that alcoholic men are alcoholics because their fathers were alcoholics. Then let’s say I wrote a blog about it and only asked for input from men who are alcoholics with alcoholic fathers.

I refuse to acknowledge that women can be alcoholics, too.

I refuse to talk with men whose fathers weren’t alcoholics.

Limiting my “research” to alcoholic men with alcoholic fathers is hardly sufficient proof to thus proclaim that all alcoholics are men with alcoholic fathers.

Which is, essentially, what she has done. She thinks that bdsm is a direct result of societal conditioning. That the only reason men are dominant sadists is because society has led them to believe that they can be, and the only reason women are submissive is because society has made us believe we *have* to be.

Male submissives and female dominants <-- that's how you deal with those pesky theory flubber-uppers!

According to her, feminism, and what feminists fought for, wasn't to give women the choice of how to live or how to express their sexuality. Not at ALL. In fact, she downright scoffs at the idea that we should have a choice. The choice we DO have, according to nine deuce's feminist views? Is to do it her way. That's it. The End. Any other choice is an insult to feminsists everywhere.

"Feminism is about freeing women from male oppression" /quote. It is NOT about choices. And by supporting that old male-led society, we're furthering the suppression of women. Therefore, no matter what *else* we do in our lives, we are not feminists, cannot be feminists, are the archenemies of feminists - and should be shot. Or something.

I haven't commented there, and won't, as getting involved in the argument waging there is a complete waste of time. She's not interested in hearing other voices. Which is sad, really, because some of the people over there who ARE trying to enlighten her are making some supremely important and valid points that she simply refuses to acknowledge.

But I'm going to quote some of her, and her followers, words of wisdom on the world of bdsm. A world that they, admittedly, have no knowledge of beyond a couple of websites. A world that they think they know enough of to condemn, judge, belittle, label, and dismiss. (a bit like how I'm feeling about her actually.)

"I’ve never said that anyone has no right to engage in whatever they’re engaged in, unless they’re hurting people. I think the issue at hand is whether what goes on at Kink.com and as a result of what they do hurts people. I think it does."
(and since she’s concluded that we ARE hurting people, she’s decided we have no right to engage in it)

“If someone can honestly sit there and rationalize how fetishizing non-consensual violent sex that follows the dominant patriarchal norms and is entirely rooted in them is a valid “identity” like homosexuality and race and gender, I’m going to assume the right to assume that they’re criminally intellectually challenged with a persecution complex the size of the Sun.”
(Why can’t domination/submission be a valid identity? I didn’t choose to be submissive, I choose to act on it. A gay person doesn’t choose to be gay, they choose to act on it. A straight person doesn’t choose to be straight, they choose to act – oh, ffs. How can she not see that??)

“You don’t get it. It doesn’t matter if individual women think BDSM rules or participate gladly[...]. What matters is that the existence of this kind of shit is BAD FOR ALL WOMEN.”
(Well damn good thing she’s around to decide for all of us women what’s healthy or not healthy! Wouldn’t want to think for myself or anything progressive like that!)

“It’s a moral judgment, not a call for legal action.”
(Coulda fooled me)

“If you want to participate in this discussion, avoid telling feminists what feminism is about.”
(Indeed. As soon as you stop telling bdsm’ers what bdsm is all about.)

“Just because we want something doesn’t make it right. Being aroused by domination is something we’ve been programmed to do since birth. That doesn’t mean we should hurt people or celebrate pain. And you know what? I will shame people that hurt other people, because in my opinion that is part of the social contract (and it isn’t the sex that is shameful).”
(You should be ashamed of yourself for being such a first-rate, class-less, venom-spewing bitch. Was that social programming for you or did you pick that up along the way? You’re awfully good at it.)

“I’m not urging banning anything, I’m not telling anyone to be ashamed, but I am saying that our goal ought to be a world in which women are truly sexually autonomous beings. That means making choices with regard to sex from a set of options that aren’t limited by patriarchal social conditioning.”
(You are telling people to be ashamed. Repeatedly and often, with colorful words. Your goal, as far as I can tell, is not to allow women to be sexually autonomous beings, as evidenced by your agenda to not allow women to choose how to express their sexuality when that choice doesn’t match yours.)

“Men will keep that up until we refuse to allow it. Feminism is women’s movement, not men’s. They’ve got no reason to give up privilege, so we have to make them.”
(Way to lump all men together. Kinda like how you claim men are lumping women into sexually submissive beings and can’t see them for anything else?)

“Sexual repression has generally been an element of patriarchy, especially when it comes to women’s sexuality. [...] and I suppose my goal is to eradicate the warped-ness and the repression and see if we can’t find something more healthy to do.”
(The only thing I see you doing is trying very hard to replace mens supposed sexual repression of women with your own standard of sexual repression of women. How on earth does that equal “healthy” to you? Your goal to eradicate my style of sexuality? Pretty fucking repressive, in my book.)

“I think that this particular choice wouldn’t be made as often if we weren’t told that our sexuality is shameful and that we ought to have to be led into enjoying sex and/or punished for liking it.”
(Then how’s about you stop telling me that my sexuality is shameful. You’re not setting yourself apart from the men who are suppressing women -if they even exist on the scale you imagine them. You are *joining* them.)

“I genuinely believe that if we were to achieve the end of male supremacy, of shaming women for enjoying sex at all, of the expectation of women’s submission to degradation and domination, that these sorts of desires might not exist at all.”
(Really? Really?? I just… wow. Because, totally, as soon as someone tells me it’s not okay to feel this way, it just goes away!)

“What all of you seem to be missing here is that I’ve never given female subs shit for what they’re into.”
(Lies. Bold-faced lie. Not to mention how she very rudely slammed quoted pieces of a couple of female sub’s blogs that she copied and pasted on her site. But she’s not giving them shit for being into it. No. Not at all. Good ol’ sweetness and light ND!)

“People torturing each other shouldn’t be a part of human sexuality. I’m all for women being free of the shame that society tries to attach to their enjoying sex, but this is not a freedom from that, it’s a result of it. If women weren’t ashamed of their sexuality, they probably wouldn’t develop the desire to be dominated (which removes the responsibility for liking sex from them), forced (same deal), or humiliated and hurt (which works as a sort of penance for enjoying sex).”
(*sigh* Why do you get to decide what should, or should not, be a part of anyone’s sexuality as long as they aren’t a)forcing it on YOU, or b)forcing it anyone else?)

“Men who enjoy torturing women or who enjoy seeing women tortured are the enemies of womankind and the enemies of feminism.”
(Well, I guess all you men can stop supporting feminism now. Relax and throw off that mask and reveal yourselves for He-man Woman Hater’s Club members that you are!)

“And it (the shot/words of the woman proclaiming her extreme enjoyment of the scene that just finished) comes last because I can imagine a guy having an orgasm and _then_ being a bit worried about/disgusted with himself for enjoying this stuff (at least at first). That post-orgasm shot of the women smiling is his palate cleanser.”
(Could not *possibly* be the woman’s genuine reaction to something she thoroughly enjoyed, could it? Nah. Can’t be that. Impossible. She’s too stupid to know what she enjoys. I forgot.)

So, being a submissive is an oppressive role that I have been forced into by society, apparently without my knowledge. A role that she and her femi-nazi followers have missed. I haven’t yet found where she explains how she was able to sidestep what thousands of other women like me were too stupid to notice. She is the special snowflake.

Most surprisingly and, in my opinion, most intellectually dishonest, she continues to categorically deny that she’s the one dehumanizing women in the same breath that she says we’re not *able* to make these decisions for ourselves. I genuinely fail to see the difference between a)someone telling me I’ve been conditioned to not have a choice or that b)I am too ignorant to make that choice. Both seem equally demeaning and dehumanizing.

She does not recognize that women have the emotional and mental capacity to decide whether or not they want to be in BDSM relationships, while claiming it’s men and society who are opppressive. Personally, I find a group of women fighting to criminalize the way I’m living my life to be pretty darn oppressive!

In fact, she advises that us sick fucks should “go kill ourselves”. Now isn’t it a good thing we have her on the side of humanity, working for the greater good of society? Where *would* we be without people like her (besides happier and safer, of course)?

~cunt

Fetlife – how I love thee.

I’ve spent way too much time on FL yesterday and this morning. Sometimes, it’s just too humorous to walk away from.

The latest buzzwords are abuse and red flag.

Your dom put you on a diet? Abuser!! He doesn’t like you as you are!

Your dom said you had to leave Fetlife? Red Flag!! He’s isolating you!

Someone slapped someone at a play party? Abuse! Call the cops!

If you haven’t joined yet, you simply must. You’re missing stimulating conversations like:

How do you distinguish a lie verses the truth?

Help I don’t know what I am???

You’re missing out on being able to reassure someone that burning the spaghetti sauce is really not a freak-out emergency and that clicking the wrong drop down menu shouldn’t be grounds for release.

Last but not least – if you don’t come to Fetlife, you cannot join the Fart Lovers group.

That right there should be enough to recruit *everybody*.

Seriously. I love the place. It is WAY fun.

Today.

Speaking of clouds –

Storm clouds that is.

Things with Jes aren’t improving much at all. She’s really not liking the tough love approach one little bit and she’s a very persistent girl. She’s actually been at my mom’s house for the last little while, which has been a welcoming break I’m sad to say. She’s not going to be living there or anything – she went there mostly because my mom has been sick and we thought that Jes could go there and help out (seeing as how she’s not in school or working or doing anything else), plus it would give us time to work out the recent mess without her in the middle of it.

So anyway, her and I have done nothing but argue on the phone as she continues to try and negotiate her way into getting what she wants. I’m sticking to my (Master’s) guns though. If she wants to come here, it has to be under our rules.

I can understand and sympathize with her views on school right now. It is a very small school, she doesn’t have a lot of friends or a support system there (by her own choice because she quit school before making any friends here) and now, having to go back pregnant? Plus she’s missed half the year, she’d be way behind and there is no way to recover this last semester. I’m not real keen on forcing her to attend a school where she’d literally be snubbed. That all ties into her anxiety/paranoia issues which was why she dropped out in the first place. Now it would be worse and I just don’t think this school is the best thing for her right now.

There is an alternative school where she’d be less ostracized because everyone going there goes there because of one problem or another, but it’s just about 30 miles away. I’m not saying making that drive isn’t worth it, but knowing that she’d likely not finish it makes investing that kind of time and money into it seem like a complete waste of resources.

Which kind of puts me in a bind, I think. The rules are school or work yet both are difficult for her right now. Finding a job, at her age and in her condition, is going to be very hard. We live in a college town, there is a plethora of mature, responsible young adults to compete with for all of the jobs that teenagers usually have. It’s difficult even for non-pregnant, high school students to get hired around here.

I really feel stuck. Though she did suggest, on her own, that she’d go back to this high school next school year and repeat the year. That seemed like a semi-positive, semi-cooperative statment – from her.

She knows that she can’t do this on her own. And she’s accepted, albeit grudgingly and unhappily, that we’re not going to support her outside of this house. So her latest plea has been wanting the b/f to be a part of the pregnancy and birth. First she wants to know if she can do the doctor visits, etc. where he is so he can go along. That’s about 4 hours from here. So, yanno, let’s get an obgyn that’s 4 hours away because that makes sense. It’s not like your doctor needs to be anywhere near you or anything.

I put a kebosh on that. If she wants him to be a part of the doctor visits then she needs to live there.

Why do you have to go there, Jes? Why can’t he move here if y’all want to be together so badly?

Well cuz, mom, all of his family is there! He can’t leave his family!

But. You’re quite ready to leave all of your family to be with him, aren’t you Jes?

So then she wants him to at least be there for the birth. Can’t he come and stay with her (aka, stay with US) when it gets close to that time? I tell her, you know that due date is just an estimate, right? You can go into labor at any time around that date. Or, at any time period! So, what? He’s gong to come and LIVE with us for that last month or two? Um, no. I don’t think so.

And, I had to ask, by the time you are close to being due, Jes, he’ll already have one baby, with you almost ready to have his other kid, he’ll be just turned 18 and, gee, don’t you think he should have a fucking JOB by then? Two kids, 18 years old – is a job factoring in his plans any where at any time?

Well no, mom, because he wont have a car and he can’t take the bus and he’s still in school and gee, we can’t expect so much from him. He just wants to be there and I want him to be there and why can’t you understand that!? Why don’t you want him there! How can you keep him away from our babeeeeeeeeeeee?

Gah.

Why should I even give two fucks about this kid? How is that he is even okay with encouraging her, in any way shape or form, to leave her entire support system and do this on her own? I’d like to have me a sit down with this boy.

I explained to her that couples who want that kind of family unit and shared parental involvement don’t get knocked up by a kid who lives in another state when they are 17 and cannot, by themselves, make SURE they can have that. But that’s not how they did it and, I’m sorry, but these are the consequences for doing it the way they did. You have to make sacrifices to have it done right.

So she’s literally sobbing hysterically on the phone. I, me, evil-est person alive, am going out of my way to make it difficult. As if being pregnant isn’t hard enough, I have to make it worse for her. I’m not letting them be a famileeeeeeeeee!

She makes me want to beat my head against the wall.

After trying to reason with her (2 hours on the phone last night) I’d just had enough. I mean for real. She has NO idea what she’s heading in to and NO idea what she’s asking for. She really thinks that there are agencies and places that will make sure she has everything she needs. That all she’s asking me for is a little bit of extra money to pay for gas. She is so wrong.

So I told her about about this news story, about how this little baby almost died because those agencies that she’s relying on? Don’t fucking take care of everything. Yes they *help*, they’ll give her SOME, but not ALL. And who’s going to make sure her baby has the rest of what it needs? Her? Her unemployed boyfriend? These agencies? Welfare?

No. Nope.

Me. Master. That’s who.

So I don’t give a FUCK about whether or not the boyfriend can be here for your doctor visits. I don’t give a FUCK if y’all can’t make the arrangements so he can hold your hand while you give birth. I don’t care if he can’t see the baby as often as you would like. What I care about is that the baby doesn’t starve to death, that it wants for *nothing* that it may NEED, which is apparently far more than daddy’s concerned about. I’m not the one who got myself knocked up yet I’ll be the one making sure it’s taken care of so save your boo-hooing for someone else.

And then I told her I loved her and I was going to bed.

Tough love. I has it.

But it hurts. God almighty.

Speaking of Jes, I need some suggestions for Christmas. I’m completely at a loss for what to get her.

I’m reluctant to do a bunch of baby stuff right now. I just think that any number of things could happen – miscarriage, maybe she’ll go the adoption route or whatever – and I really don’t want a load of baby stuff sitting around here should it end up that way. And if she is considering adoption, the last thing I want to do is discourage that by setting up a crib in her bedroom, you know?

Money is completely out. I will not give her money. She’ll blow it all on stupid shit, like buying her stupid lazy boyfriend something, and it’ll piss me off.

I can’t do clothes. I figure the size 5 Hollister jeans and size x-small tees that she likes are likely a thing of the past.

I don’t know. There is no “thing” that she wants/needs. I’m still not convinced she’s going to stay here because I know if there is any possible way that she can work it out to stay down there with her man, she’ll go for it. So I’m not getting her anything she can sell either.

I’m considering just getting a couple of gift cards and telling her that I’m going to hang on to them until after the pregnancy. Maybe one from wal-mart and she can go shopping for baby stuff (should she keep it) after it’s born. Maybe one for clothes because I’m sure she’ll need a different size than what she has currently.

But that seems like a craptastic Christmas for her. B-man is getting his wish (xbox 360 elite) and Am is getting her laptop, plus we got them the rock band game that they’ve been lusting over for forever. But Jes gets a couple of gift cards that she can’t even use for another 6 months? I don’t like it.

Maybe it is what she deserves but I still don’t like it.

Bah humbug.

Trust vs. Control

I hear things like this a lot:

“If He trusted you, He wouldn’t need to read your emails.”

“Master knows I can handle myself so He doesn’t have to “babysit” me.”

This one, from another thread: “if you need to keep your partner in a box, they aren’t your partner.” or this one “if you have to brainwash her to the point where she can’t leave, you aren’t a dom, you’re a weak, insecure, fool who can’t keep her by any other means.”

“He actually PRE-READS your fucking email? On what planet is this not indicitive of a TERRIBLE case of insecurity on his part?”

“What does that say about the women that are brainless enough to obey”

So, what I have to ask is – what part of control don’t they understand? Why does it have to be indicative of a lack of trust or insecurity? Could it POSSIBLY be just one more measure of control?

Seems like bdsm has a lot to do with control. But maybe I’ve been misinformed.

There are some people who get into bdsm for more than just kinky sex. Some dominants actually want to control “stuff” and some submissives want their “stuff” controlled, including such inane things as emails and friends lists.

What smacks of insecurity is the propensity people have to put down a kink they don’t have/understand/want.

I have a Master who controls such silly things as my emails. I think, and call me crazy here, that this is HARDLY an indication of being distrustful or insecure. As evidence of what I consider His trust and security, let me point out that I am, currently, sitting alone in His house, with two of His credit cards snug in my purse, the keys to both His car and His truck hanging by the door while He’s at work, and I can guarantee that He won’t be home for at least the next 10 hours. I am not chained to anything (though I’d like to be!). Yet I am not inviting the neighbor over for raunchy sex, I am not shopping with His credit cards, I am not cruising around town picking up hookers. I could, as I certainly have the means, but I’m not, nor does He think I will and I know this because He leaves every morning and leaves those items in my possession, perfectly convinced they will be right where He left them. As I will be right where He left me.

But that He reads my emails and pre-approves the books I read, He’s insecure and doesn’t trust me, nor does He really have control over me.

???

Baffles me. Honestly and truly.

What DOES this say about the women who are brainless enough to obey?

Um.. maybe that we’re submissive.

~cunt

(x-posted to FL)

Dear State of Illinois,

While I realize the great strides that are being made in collecting child support, some of us are still slipping through the cracks. Our deadbeat exes are beating the system.

My ex-husband, with whom I have 3 children, is in arrears, according to your Child Support Division’s calculations, of $130,000.00 as of today. ( My own calculations would be much higher, considering that he is also court ordered to pay medical bills that I have personally paid myself.)  In the 14 years that we’ve been divorced, he’s made exactly one child support payment. One single payment of $500.00 that was not made with any intention of paying child support but posted as bond money to keep his own ass out of jail, that somehow, miraculously, was not funneled into the deeply greedy pockets of the Illinois courthouse and instead, mailed to me. Glory be.

Nor has he been held accountable for non-payment. Nor has any sort of consequence been applied for this serious non-compliance with an Illinois court order, even though he’s been in court several times for other instances of non-compliance. You can bet the state of Illinois has received it’s money from him, in terms of fines paid or taxes owed, while my children do without. 

You can also bet that the state of Illinois did not hesitate to collect state taxes from me while I worked there. Certainly there was not the option of allowing me to become $130,000 behind in Illinois taxes owed with the excuse that man-power and resources were too limited to enforce the tax law. Somehow I think if it were YOUR income being held up, Gov. Blagojevich, that you’d find the man-power and resources to address the issue.  But since I, and other parents in my shoes, are far removed from your plate, it’s all too easy to brush us away.

It’s always astounded me that if I were the one to choose gambling and drinking over parenting, if I were to choose not to see to their nutritional, housing, clothing needs, if I were to ignore their medical needs, someone from your wonderful state would have promptly been at my door removing my parental rights from me. But he’s made those same choices with zero consequences. And still they claim that Illinois “favors” mothers in divorce cases. Apparently, we differ on what the word “favors” means.

My children are not small anymore. Wiser than they should be to the ways of the world, they’ve formed their own conclusions about fathers and responsibility. Unfortunately, they are not pretty conclusions, and that comes with partial thanks to your wonderful state’s policies on child support.

My ex-husband is not on the run, not hiding, not avoiding. He is perfectly safe and secure, not the least bit concerned about being caught. He’s been beating the system for years and he, and sadly I as well, have no reason not to believe that he will continue to get away with ignoring his parental responsibilities forever.

He does not have a drivers license to threaten, having lost that some years ago due to driving drunk. He doesn’t collect a paycheck, nor does he, to my knowledge, file federal taxes where a refund could be intercepted. He works for cash, content to not own anything of value or advance anywhere in life beyond gambling boats and taverns.

He’s had the same address and phone number for years. While it’s been reported several times to the Child Support Enforcement Division, it seems a useless venture as nothing beyond threatening letters seems to occur. (Except for that one time when Illinois was looking for him for failure to comply over his most recent DWI and they took the information I provided to them for child support to arrest him and collect money over the DWI charges. Remember that? Thank you for that, Governor Blagojevich. )

I had high hopes over this last summer, as letters and court dates were set. For the first time in years, my case had finally come up on the docket. Nevermind that my kids are out of diapers, don’t need formula anymore and that I no longer have to pay for child care; you know, all of those really important necessities when you have toddlers and really REALLY need money? And nevermind the fact that I’m no longer busting my ass working overtime and double shifts just to buy groceries. Forget that it’s way too late for college funds, that the majority of the kids medical needs are over and don’t even *mention* how there is actually only a few years left that he’d even be required to PAY child support. Just forget all those minor details. Srsly. 14 years after the fact my case was going to court.

Halle-fucking-lujah.

I guess I should have savored the moment. It didn’t last long. Rather than actually making progress, all that was accomplished was another round of undeserved extensions, making new court dates, sending more letters, etc. I suppose in another 14 years, we can once again establish that, golly gee! He’s not paying child support? But darn it all, I told him to!

He’s playing your Child Support Division like a cheap fiddle, and laughing as he does it.

I know there are thousands of parents like me and I know resources are limited. I know more important and pressing matters need resolving. But please understand that in my world, nothing is more important or more pressing than my children, who remain the only ones suffering from the incredibly inept child support system.

Thank you for your time,
Ex-Illinois Resident.

The one where I gloat about how much better my relationship is than yours.

I just had to poke my head in and say that I think my in-person relationship is way better than your online relationship. That’s right. Better.

And I’m tired of tippytoeing around people’s widdle fewings. There is no such fucking thing as ‘fully submitting’ through the internet, no matter how slutty your SL avatar is.

I think people who claim online relationships are just as good, if not better than ‘real time’ (because oh how they suffer all alone) are delusional.

I read a page some time ago about cyber and in-person relationships. The specific mechanisms for relating, or how people connect to one another on the most fundamental level, is via the five senses:

*hearing the other

*seeing the other

*touching the other

*smelling the other

*tasting the other

Hearing. Voice tone. Inflection. Emotion. Meaning. All that is absent in a text-based conversation. There is little spontaneity. You can reply to your cyber-love at whatever pace suits you. You have time to think about what you want to say, to perfectly compose your response. That comes in pretty handy for those awkward or emotional situations in a relationship, no? Not even the speed of IM can replace the forced intimacy that occurs in a face-to-face conversation.

There is so much I can pick up on just by hearing Master say one word. Any word at all. And vice versa. Anger, happiness, weariness, angst, irritation, joy, arousal, skepticism, surprise, pleasure. So dependent have we become on the interpersonal exchange of sound that on the occasion that we’re reduced to communication by text, it is not uncommon for one of us to misunderstand the other’s words, based solely on not having an accompanying tone to put it in context.

Seeing. Facial expressions, body language, all the visual cues are missing in cyber-only relationships. The lack of visual cues coupled with being unable to hear voice tones leaves a cyber relationship ambiguous and depleted. It’s a guessing game ripe with misunderstandings and transference. Just look how easily and quickly a person’s post on here is taken as a slam, a flame, or an insult purely because one cannot interject tone or facial expression into the written word.

Just as hearing Master’s tone of voice communicates as much, if not more, than the words themselves, so too does seeing his body language. The way he’s sitting or standing, the way he’s looking at me, the expression on his face, the arch of his eyebrow, the tilt of his lips. We can have a whole “conversation” without uttering a word. I know if I’ve been pleasing, or not, simply by looking at him.

Touching. I could quote a myriad of medical and psychological sources that discuss the importance of physical touch. It should be common sense though, so I’m not going to. Google is your friend if there is any disagreement on the importance of touch.

It almost seems silly that I would have to make a case for physical touch, or have to describe the value of it. It’s inconceivable that anyone would disagree. Cyber sex over being fucked? Cyber spankings full of words like ~whack~ and ~thwap~ vs. being pulled over his knee and paddled? A {{hug}} compared to the warmth and tightness and security found in his arms? A dark monitor that leads to a cold empty bed or curling up next to him, my head on his shoulder, his fingers tracing the curve of my breast?

Smell and Taste. These two senses stir up powerful emotional reactions. It’s been said that smell and taste are “primitive” sensations, but the two form the foundation for deep intimacy – maybe because they ARE so primitive and fundamental.

When Master has to travel I curl up with his pillow when I go to bed. His scent, so powerfully HIS and so comfortingly familiar. I sniff at his cologne bottles, hug his jackets and unwashed shirts. I miss his scent when he’s gone and I search for it until he comes home.

And taste? I hunger for his taste. His lips, his tongue. His chest, even his feet, his groin, his semen. Do I think having that taste lingering on my tongue and dwelling deep within my throat is better than reading “I just came. Mmmm.” in my msn window? You bet I do. Far, far better.

Hearing, seeing, touching, smelling, tasting. They’re the sensations of lovers. Rarely does a person connect in person by one sensation alone. Rarely does a relationship grow to it’s full potential by one, or even two, sensations. In cyber relationships these sensations are separated, dissociated. Or neglected completely. That leaves things flat, stale. It’s when the sensations mingle and play off each other that we can extract meaning from them.

So do I believe that my relationship is better than your cyber one? Indeed I do. Do I get that you don’t want to hear that? Ayep. I get that it brings to light everything you are missing. I get that you don’t want to have that pointed out to you. I get that it makes you angry. I get that you spend a lot of time justifying how you’ve settled and I get that you try real hard to convince yourself that you aren’t missing everything that you know you are.

I also don’t care. You’re a big girl and I ain’t your momma. But I’m also not going to downplay the very real and very difficult sacrifices I made and chances that I took to make this relationship real and special and in-the-flesh just to save your feelings. I’m not going to equate your internet-based submission with mine. I’m not going to validate your role-playing or feed your delusions. I may be a smug little bitch but I’ve fucking earned it.

What you are doing is NOT the same. Not even close.

Reality is better.

~cunt

(I might even post more yet. I’m so sick of boxes I can’t stand it.)

Parenting

I’m going to weigh in on the parenting discussion because I’m as opionated as the next person.

First, as the parent of teenagers I want to debunk the theory that it gets easier to “do” bdsm as they get older. Not true. It’s neither easier nor harder, they merely present a whole new circumstance to work around the older they get.  Suddenly they know exactly what those noises are, they are not satisfied with the b.s. answers you can give a small child, they’re nosier, more perceptive, more knowledgable and ask harder questions.  They watch and listen and they can no longer be distracted by The Wiggles or a Disney dvd. They *might* be gone more as they develop social lives of their own but they’re never all gone at the same time and you are no longer in control of when they come home. Unexpected and unannounced is the name of the game with teenagers. It’s harder to plan when they start taking control of their own lives, not easier as parents of toddlers expect.

So keep on waitin’ and wishin’ for the magical ease of older kids. By then mine will be grown and gone and *then* it *might* be easier and then I’ll be laughing while y’all bemoan the difficulties of doing bdsm with teenagers in the house and wishing they were easy-peasy toddlers again.

Second, discussing bdsm with your teen. I’m on the fence with this one. I understand what’s being said about answering their questions with age-appropriate information and I certainly don’t disagree with that at all. I do that myself with my kids about all matters, be it sex or religion or politics, whatever. But I do not, as a rule, reveal personal information about *my* relationship or my sexual practices. If one of my kids were to come to me asking about bdsm, I think I would assist them in finding the answers without letting it be known that I practice it. I think you can be the honest, supportive parent that you should be and you can guide them to the correct answers and steer them away from the incorrect information without having to divulge information about your sex life that they really don’t need to know. Hell, I’m 37 and I still don’t want to know about my parents sex life. I know they have one, I don’t care to know the specifics.

However, I do not agree that it qualifies as child abuse to share that information about yourself. I don’t think the child will be scarred or traumatized or set on a pre-determined path toward submission. I think people who think that don’t give children enough credit for having brains of their own. And that’s sad.

Third, there’s lots-o-talk about “abandoning” your child for bdsm, because Master said so, because Master became abusive to the child or because the parent decided the kid was ‘in the way’ of mom’s kinkified future. Here’s my take on it.

People, both mothers and fathers, leave their kids for a LOT of reasons. I fail to see why some reasons are glorified while others are raked over the coals. A young mom with no money who gives her baby up for adoption because she recognizes that she cannot provide as the child deserves is glorified. She’s selfless, it’s done for the ‘right’ reasons, blah blah blah. Another woman involved in bdsm who sees herself and her new found interests as being harmful to her child and gives her child up for the exact same reasons (she recognizes that she cannot provide as the child deserves ) is raked over the coals. She’s selfish, stupid.

It’s not only not fair to rake someone over the coals in that manner, it’s just not *right*. The person who selfishly chooses to keep that child in a situation that is not healthy is the one to be condemned. Not the one who makes what is probably the very hardest and most selfless decision in their life, to place the kid out of harms way when that means placing them with someone other than you.

I had a bff throughout high school. It was her lifelong dream to be a wife and a mother. She took child care classes, she had a babysitting business. She lived and breathed and planned and fantasized about motherhood. She got married after graduation, she had a baby. The most loved and doted-upon, chubby, blonde baby boy you’ve ever seen. 4 years later, her life changed. Her husband had an affair, she filed for divorce, her world fell apart. She started hanging out in bars, sleeping around, discovering a side of life she had never seen. There was a custody battle. More than likely, she’d have won. Back then the courts still tended to side with the mothers and it was the father who’d been unfaithful. She knew she’d win. She chose to back out of the custody battle and sign the kid over to his father. Why? Because she knew she was involved in a lifestyle that was not stable enough for her son.  She knew she wasn’t ready to quit it. She loved him enough to make the choice that was in his best interest, not in hers.

She put up with the same sort of insults and judgement from ignorant, narrow-minded, holier-than-thou mothers who think the sun rises and sets on their precious children.

Here’s what else I think. I suspect that some of the disagreements surrounding this have a lot to do with the age of the parent, as well as the age(s) of the child(ren). Those of us who are a little older, and who are in the homestretch of parenting, can far easier visualize life after kids. I don’t think parents of toddlers can do that with as much clarity, or with the same brutal honesty that we can. Toddlers consume you. Teenagers leave you time to contemplate.

What we know, what we understand, is that active parenting is a short-time affair. It doesn’t seem like it when your kids are 3 or 4 or even 9 or 10. You see endless years of always taking care of them. Your kids get up to 15, 16, 17 years old and adulthood is in the blink of an eye. You weigh 18 years of parenting against 60 years of marriage – or 40 or 50 years of lonliness should you have sacrificed your relationship for the sake of being the more self-righteous parent. I think parents of older kids have a different perspective when talk turns to “abandoning” your child for your mate. Having to choose one or the other.  Walk a mile in their shoes before spouting off about their motives or intelligence.

Ideally, a parent chooses a mate that is healthy and loving and provides well for their child. Preferably in a relationship where having to issue threats and ultimatums like “be good to my kids or else!” don’t ever have to be uttered. Those kinds of threats seem counterproductive in my mind.

I understand momma-bears, I’m one too. I love my kids more than I can put into words. But I’m also a good wife, and I do not put my kids before my husband. Someday the kids WILL grow up and move out and I’ll have lots more years of marriage left. If it’s considered selfish or stupid to place my relationship with my husband as a priority, then I’m selfish and stupid.

I’m okay with that.

~cunt

If you ‘wannabe’ submissive, act like it.

This thread makes me sad. (you’ll need a fetlife account but you don’t have to be a member of that group to read it.)

In summary, it’s a bunch of (mostly) single gals who are looking for a dom bitching about the “wannabes” and the “trolls” who approach them on bdsm dating sites. They’re quite gleeful about this man-bashing they’re doing, seem really proud of themselves about it.

I dunno, call me crazy, but wouldn’t it behoove you in your searches for a dom if you actually acted like a submissive? And, golly, why is it wrong again for a dom to behave dominantly?

Seems like a no-win situation for a single dom. If he makes the approach too aggressively (read:in a dominant manner) then he’s a troll, and if he makes the approach too passively, he’s a wannabe poser.

Master and I met online. I was just as ‘spirited’ (cough) then as I am now. I was also submissive. I can imagine if my reply to His first dominant personality quirk had been something along the lines of calling Him a name, telling Him that “submissive does not equal doormat!”, or to ‘put Him in His place’, then we’d have gone no further in our relationship than that moment.

Sometimes I suspect that some “submissives” join these sites merely for the purpose of collecting man-bashing material. So they can giggle with their subbie-sisters and hold up the *proof* of why they are still single. “See?! It’s not that nobody wants me! Just look at what I have to choose from! Look at these losers. I’m single because I haven’t found anyone worthy of me, NOT because I’m not worthy. So ha! Ha ha! I have proof! He told me to kneel. Stupid wannabe.”

I think if I were a dom in search of a submissive, I would probably give a simple order right off the bat too, purely for the purpose of weeding out the man-bashing wannabe posing as a submissive.

~cunt

Edited to add: Sadly, Fetlife itself is making me sad in it’s entirety. I’m watching the few people I respect and admire trickling out and I’m not even wondering why. I know why. I think I’m not far behind them.