“You never find yourself until you face the truth”

What is your nastiest closed eyes midnight fantasy that you go to when the vibe is just perfection and i want details.

I have been avoiding this question for weeks. It’s not as easy as you think. (Because I let nothing be easy, you understand. Ms. Difficult, that’s me. In fact, last night Master elected not to hogtie and face fuck me because I made it too difficult. ~le sigh~ Some days it simply does not pay to get out of bed. :-( )

/self-pity

Okay. Fantasy.

I have one fantasy that I almost always end up in “when the vibe is just perfection”. No matter what simpler fantasy I may have started out with, or what bit of porn I may have been watching, when the going gets good I generally let my mind dip into the same end of the perverted pool.

It is me, naked and dirty, chained by a welded shut chain looped around my neck, to a corner of a kitchen in a run down hovel of a house. When I let things get really detailed, the chain that secures me to that corner is just long enough to reach the parts of the house that are necessary for me to be of any use to my captor. But I rarely worry myself over those non-painful, non-sexual details, except in a very abstract manner.

There is a man. Older, out of shape, unshaven.. and dirty. Smelly, unkempt. There has to be some element of repulsion and disgust. The acts that I must perform cannot be erotic or enticing. It has to be something that, in real life, I would absolutely not want to do, but in the fantasy it is a do-or-die scenario. This man likes, needs, to know that I am disgusted, but that also I do what I’m told without a moments hesitation. Or else.

The fantasy always begins the same way. I’m in the corner, on display. ’On display’ varies according to my mood, I guess. Sometimes I’m standing, hands on my head. Sometimes I’m simply kneeling. Sometimes- most times- I’m kneeling with my head on the floor, hands reached behind me to spread myself skin-tearing wide (Insert various horrific punishments for being caught not ’on display’). The man enters, grimy, sweaty, and sits at the table to the meal that I’ve prepared for him. A meal that I, of course, am not allowed to eat. Once he is sitting he grunts for me (in the fantasy my ’name’ is bitch. It used to be cunt, but more on that in a bit), I crawl from my corner to under the table where I’m set to work cleaning his filthy feet, dirt and all, with my tongue while he eats.

From the kitchen he drags me to the living room by my hair, where he reclines in a chair to watch tv and my tongue bath moves from his feet to his crotch. With copious amounts of derogatory name calling, smacks and slaps to my head and face, hair pulling of the sort that rips out chunks of hair, and rough face fucking, I thoroughly clean his stinky cock and balls. Once cleaned and aroused, one of two things happens.

The “nicer” one: I’m flipped around and ass fucked. Quick, no lube, harsh. Nothing more involved than if my ass were his hand, wrapping around his dick to masturbate, I’m used and discarded, sent back to the corner to await another time of use.

The other, and favorite, one: I’m secured to the floor in front of him, by rope or chain, on display in much the same manner as described above. On my knees, face pressed to the floor, hands secured to my ankles. My ass and cunt is fully exposed and open to be kicked, slapped, scraped with his filthy toenails. Poked, prodded, hurt. The “abuse” ramps up and up the longer I fantasize, until my unprotected cunt is being whipped and beaten to a darkly bruised mass of flesh. I imagine his laughter as I scream and beg, the mocking of my suffering as he works to hurt me, causing me extreme pain that he finds nothing more than humorous.

And of course there will be, at some point near the end, more plundering of the damaged asshole and bleeding cunt, more laughing as I cry.. until, finally, the fantasy drives me into a shuddering orgasm and I tuck it away until the next time.

Now, why did I find this so difficult to write? Well, I’ll tell ya!

The man is a faceless, nameless wretch of a human. At one time, it used to be Master’s face and Master’s name as I worked myself through that fantasy. It’s not anymore. In fact, trying to interject Master into the fantasy in some capacity ruins the fantasy for me.

I struggled with that for a long time. Did it mean that I didn’t love him as I used to? Did it mean I was subconsciously wishing for someone else, a different dom or sadist? Had I lost respect or was it some other equally dooming prophecy? The guilt I felt over not fantasizing about my own Master was intense. I was ashamed, embarrassed, worried. I asked myself how I would feel to know Master was fantasizing about another woman, a different slave. Someone else for him to hurt and torture. How devastated would I be to know that I wasn’t “good enough” to fulfill his fantasies?

It was a bad time, bad thoughts. You know me; always borrowing trouble and making things worse than they really are.

But here’s what I’ve come up with. Master no longer fits the bill of that faceless man because he is not repulsive to me. He does not disgust me, he’s not stinky or filthy. And, he cares about me. About my health, my safety. As much as he may hurt me, it’s never, ever on a permanent or damaging level, because it is not do-or-die, and he fully intends to keep me around long enough to earn my keep. But more importantly, he loves me. And I love him.

All of those things, the love and affection and tenderness that we share, makes that fantasy impossible to have with him in it. There is no tenderness or caring in that fantasy. That “man” has to see me as a totally worthless object, there cannot be any regard for my feelings or safety or future. Once that comes into play, it’s ruined. And that’s why, while Master was that man once, he’s not anymore. And cannot be.

That’s also why the name in the fantasy switched from cunt to bitch. Cunt is Master’s name for me. It no longer signifies anything objectifying or demeaning. Cunt is as normal to me as Tess is.

Also, I’ve found out that Master does have fantasies about other women. Women that he does not care for, women that are objects to him, that he can hurt beyond repair and it matters not to him because he’s not invested in their future or happiness. Women that, he says, he could cut loose on and completely fuck up.

I’m okay with that. Sort of.

Love is a tricky addition to a bdsm relationship, in ways you’d never see coming.

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“Confidence, like art, never comes from having all the answers; it comes from being open to all the questions.”

What type of chick were you in highschool? Im just curious, Like were you one of those bitchy girls that everyone likes…one of those bitchy girls everyone hates, ect. Which one were you?

I wasn’t a bitch at all in high school. That’s a skill I developed after being online.

I went to a very small school. There were about 20 kids in my graduating class, less than a hundred in the entire high school. So while there was some amount of "class" separation, cliques and whatnot, there was a lot of blurring of the social lines. There had to be, or each clique would have had about 3 kids in it. Everyone knew everyone else, if you went to a party you’d be socializing with almost the whole school.

There were those few kids who were great at everything and were super popular, and then a few who sucked at life, and everyone else fell somewhere in the middle. I was in the middle. I was neither a brainiac nor did I come close to flunking. I wasn’t a ’jock’ but I had fun playing when I did play. I wasn’t a troublemaker, but I wasn’t a goody two shoes either. I did my share of naughty things. I was just a normal kid.

After all the really intense beatings we’ve seen documented here, how is a simple hand spanking for you now? Is it basically just fun foreplay/warm up to scene?

A simple hand spanking? What’s that?

Um… you know, it’s all in the delivery. A simple spanking can be intense (by intense I mean painful enough to make me cry), but, yeah, it’s probably NOT going to send me over the edge or leave me feeling the way I prefer to feel. I think that only happens when it’s his intent to push me there.

He has a plan (someday when the kids leave us alone for two whole hours) to spank me through an entire movie. It’s my opinion that his hand will give out long before my ass does. He thinks it’ll be fun and that I’ll be begging for him to stop. We’ll just see about that!

You mentioned earlier that your kids see you choosing to live as a subservient wife. Is that really so? Do they see you deferring to him as, the one who makes all the decisions or whatnot? I mean, do they really see you as subservient? Do your daughters ever ask why it is that you don’t challenge him, or are they ever under the impression that all women/wives should let the husband take charge or whatnot?

They see me waiting on him hand and foot. I fix his plate, refill it if he wants, watch his cup. They see me take off his boots- I could list a hundred little things. It operates, basically, like an old-fashioned "Husband is King of the House" marriage. All he does is go to work and come home (though he certainly does assist with bigger Manly-type jobs). What they know of the decision making process is that I will not decide anything without first talking it over with Master. Whether they’re entirely aware that he is, in fact, deciding things alone, or whether they think we’re making a joint decision, I’m not sure. They do know that his final decision is – well, final.

They do not think that all women should let the husband rule the roost. Not at all. And they have questioned why I don’t challenge him. I simply explain it as this is how I choose to live and that it makes me happy. That they can decide for themselves what type of relationship they want to have when they are adults. I can tell you that Am will probably not be a subservient female. She has gotten ’offended’ on my behalf a time or two and it’s taken several times for me to stand up to *her* about my choices. She’s made her peace with it now and only says that she’ll never want what I do. I tell her she doesn’t have to have it, that’s the beauty of having choices.

(Nor do I allow my son to think he’s entitled to being waited on or served. I stress that it is not a man’s right for a woman to take care of him. It’s all about choices and what you want out of life.)

You can ONLY have three wishes, so one wish CANNOT be for more wishes.

What do you wish for before you go into that cage for the rest of your life?

I gotta admit, this one stumped me. I sorta went through a list of "hopes". Like, I hope I’m happy, I hope it’s the right choice, blah blah blah. And I went through a list of silly wishes. Like, I wish Master would give me a laptop. And a tv. And cable. And a take-out menu and a phone.

But I was coming up with nothing. I asked Master. What do I wish for? He grinned and said "you wish there are no bugs in there with you." So…

I wish for there to be no bugs in my cupboard.

And that’s just all I can come up with. I trust Master to supply the rest.

You often complain about being (or at least feeling) fat. So spill the beans: How large are you? I’m guess about a size 14? 155-160 pounds? (Maybe less…it’s hard to guess since I don’t know how tall you are.)

I fluctuate between a 14 and 16 and I’m heavier than 160. By 10 to 15lbs, depending on the time of the month. (And I’m 5’4", btw. Master is 6’4".)

Anyway, was there a point in time when you suddenly decided you needed to do everything for real? A point when you gave up the desire for the traditional relationship that society/religion/family heaps on you?

I don’t know that I could pinpoint an exact time or period. It’s been fairly recent, after I’d met Master anyway. I suppose the idea skirted around in my head for a while, but it was such an impossibility that I never seriously let it take root. It was masturbation fodder, nothing more, nothing less. But wow, when something that you’ve filed away as a pipe dream suddenly seems possible, it’s amazing. And scary. Really scary. And now, it’s completely out of my hands. It’s not just my dream anymore, not my fantasy. It’s Master’s goal. In fact, I asked him just the other day, what if *I* change my mind? Before I’d always been worried that HE would change his mind, now I’m worried about me.. and he just said that would really suck for me. it’ll happen however he wants it to happen.

Have you ever used Tabasco sauce? We tried it once and instead of using a q-tip like it said he thought he would just splash it on and use milk to dull the pain. NOOOO, I had to run to the shower, I WAS CRYING AND I JUST WANTED TO RIP MY PARTS OFF. Ever had that feeling? -)

I’ve only ever had it put on my nipples, where it did absolutely nothing whatsoever. But I do know that feeling. Icy Hot, cinnamon… yeah… I know the feeling!

What would you like to ask your readers? :-P

Oh the usual stuff comes to mind. How did you find the journal? Why do you read it? But that’s mostly ego stroking.

Though I *am* interested in how people find it. Through links, through searches? I think that’s interesting. But what I would really like to know is this:

If you are one of the people who read it but don’t like or agree with what I say, WHY do you continue to read?

Why do the rest of you think they read?

If you’ve bought one of my crafts, what do you think of it?

Is there anything you’d want to see me make and sell? Craft ideas?

I know I read other people and "steal" ideas for play from them all the time. Have you ever read us and gone off to do what we just did or do you shudder and say "Thank GOD we aren’t into that!"?

What do you really think of the ’cunt in a cage’ plan? Realistic or completely insane and doomed to failure?

I’m sure I’ll think of more!

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“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we’re really not that different, me and you.”

Can i whore your idea?

It wasn’t my idea, I whored it from someone else. So yes! Yes you can!

What makes you want to run away?

Everything sometimes. Srsly. I’m a wimp. But things that I never like, ever? Clover clamps. Drinking piss. Lexan cane. Misery stick. Blue stick. His anger.

Do you wanna borrow my 62 sunflower pins? *grins*

I’ll borrow them to put sandpaper on them and return them to you. :D

What’s your deepest, darkest, most private fantasy that hasn’t been realized yet?

I am still avoiding this question..lol

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you’re done reading this sentence?

I still have more questions to answer!

What are your fetishes? (see list here)

smoking – though not the smoking itself, but the human ashtray part is pretty fucking cool.
humiliation
spanking
bondage
sperm
bdsm
nipple
needle
torture
Fear and Terror
Breast
Blood
Hood
Breathplay
Rape
Isolation
brainwashing
Pain

Favorites?

Breast/nipple
Fear and terror
isolation
Hoods

Ones you have thought about, but not tried?

bestiality

Ones you have tried, but not cared for?

Enemas

Is it/was it ever a total mindfuck to be in a space of needing/wanting pain and being frightened of it? Has mentally accepting that you are into pain been a difficult thing for you at any point? (I ask cuz its so where I am right now ;)

It is, all the time. I am frightened of it, always. I guess because I know that I’m not in control of it in any way whatsoever. In my two previous bdsm relationships there was zero pushing on the pain stuff. Though I was the “bottom”, application of pain was dictated according to what I wanted and/or didn’t want. It stopped when I said so, it was ramped up or toned down at my request, it didn’t happen at all unless I agreed to it. Things with Master are *entirely* different. That was a huge, huge hurdle to climb for me. I don’t think I even knew, going in, that I wasn’t supposed to be in charge of it, you know? I was just really new to it all, still exploring it, and he breezed in and fucked my world up for a long time.

So, yeah, it’s been a regular mindfuck to realize that I don’t just want or crave the pain and this kind of treatment, but that I NEED it and that that need sets me up for some serious hurt that is generally much more than I bargained for. Once I ask for it, when I work up the nerve TO ask for it, it’s all at his mercy, or lack thereof, as to how much or how bad it will be.

I had no problem accepting the label of masochist. It just made sense to me from the get go. I always knew that I needed some sort of painful stimuli to “get off”, even during early masturbation moments. So I think I had less issue with it than some people I’ve known/read. There have been times when I’ve struggled with accepting it as a NEED. At times I wish I wasn’t a masochist and I wish I could enjoy normal, fluffy, feel-good things like other people do. I envy that adaptability, and I envy how easy it all seems. Needing pain – it’s like a drug. The cravings, the withdrawals, the deep-seated itch, all of those symptoms associated with drug users seem to apply to pain addicts, and no matter how much a user may enjoy their drug of choice, they still may wish for a normal, easy life. I get in those places sometimes, cursing whatever event or chemical or God(s) that made me the way I am.

I accept it, and mostly I’m fine with it. I yam what I yam, as Popeye would say. But I have wistful moments too.

What was your/his kink like before you met and how has it changed?

When I first met Master he had NO interest in owning a slave. He wanted a self-sufficient submissive who liked it a little kinky I think. He was really a LOT “lighter” than he is now. The idea of micro-management didn’t appeal to him *at all*. I can still remember those early conversations where he would vehemently declare that the last thing he wanted was some girl asking him to use the bathroom or having to pick out her clothes or telling her what to eat. He wanted someone who could think for themselves, he said.

And look at him now. Talk about a complete turn around!

I’m not sure how my own kinks have changed because I was never set on any one kink to begin with. I really was just setting out to explore everything. I had some fucked up belief that kink was a progression, you started as a weekend ass-slapper, progressed to a submissive, then to a slave, and then finally to a brainwashed objectified fuckdoll. I don’t know why I thought everyone in kink had the same goals. I guess because I was just that naive and that new. All I can really say is that I was up for anything and everything because I didn’t know better. Now, with the level of control that Master has, I don’t even think I can separate what my kinks are from his anymore. I don’t have different goals or whatever. *shrug*

I was wondering what you and your Master do, if anything, to safeguard him in the event something did go badly wrong during play, to try to avoid him being charged with something awful? I guess a related question is: do you have something written down to help your kids out if something like that happened?

Well, if this journal isn’t evidence enough that I was a willing participant in my own demise, I don’t know what would be. The thing about all those contracts and written statements is that none of them are recognized as legal documents (that I’m aware of). Should he do something that resulted in my accidental death, he’d be held accountable for it, no matter what papers were stashed away somewhere. I mean, you read these things all the time. S&M gone wrong, men brought up on charges and using slave contracts as justification, and it all means diddly squat to the judge, mostly.

Master is really, really careful and really safe. I know some of what we do looks scary, but he’s very safety conscious and worries a lot about my health. In fact, I complain more about him asking me too many questions and being too nice than I have ever worried that he’s not in control of the situation!

You seemed embarrassed about recent pictures of your pussy and asshole. Were you coy, or do you still get embarrassed about the pictures and do you get embarrassed when a male doctor examines you?

I am still very, VERY embarrassed by probably 80% of the pictures Master has me post here. I am not faking that or being coy. I don’t mind the pictures of my boobs. But the face or body shots, the more up-close and personal ass and pussy shots? I try and beg out of those almost every time. I am less embarrassed than I was in the beginning. I figure I don’t have many new readers and most of you have seen every square intimate inch of me at least 5 times already, but still… I’m a lot more shy than I project here.

And yes, I do blush and wish to sink through the floor when I’m at the doctors. I don’t know if women ever get used to that. *sigh*

You and Leesa recently met with your M’s. What did both of you wear? How long did you keep it on? Were you each inspected by the others M? How did it feel?

Recently!? My goodness, that was over a year ago already! Time flies. Wow. That will always be one of my fondest memories of blogging. Meeting them really was like meeting a celebrity!

What did we wear… um.. I’m sure I had a skirt on, I usually do. Though.. hmm.. I have no idea which one. Or maybe not. Maybe that was pre-skirt era. Leesa was wearing black jeans (I think). I’m old you know; my memory is going. We stayed dressed for quite a while actually! We sat and talked for a long time in the bar, then we sat in their hotel room and chatted some more, then we all went to dinner and chatted more – and THEN we got naked.

Just us girls though. The M’s stayed dressed (which, come to think of it, doesn’t seem very fair.) As for being inspected – we weren’t, like, made to stand there like cattle and be inspected that way. The M’s were like two kids showing off a favorite toy. It was like “watch her when I do *this*!” and “look how this thing marks!” and “listen when I do it like this, it’s so cool!” They were sharing tools of torture to try out and, yeah, they had a good time I think. So did I.

1: I’ve heard several comparisons of lexan and rattan canes, with the lexan coming out as far more viscous. What IS lexan and why are canes made form it so much painful?

All I know about lexan is that it’s a hard plastic (bulletproof say some), but it’s lightweight and flexible. Why it’s so much more painful than rattan I have NO idea. I’d like to know because it truly is one of the wickedest canes I’ve ever had the misfortune of feeling. It just plain bites like the devil. I’ll take a hundred rattan canes over one lexan.

2: Have you ever had an orgasm from JUST pain, with no erogenous zone stimulation?

Yes, rarely. It’s not typical to happen that way. I usually need SOME sort of stimulation. I wish pain would make me come then maybe I wouldn’t hate it so bad!

Would you both think of trying to get to Thunder this year, here in CO?

I would like to. But it’s pretty unlikely. :-( We don’t usually do trips without the kids, it just doesn’t seem fair to them.

How much downtime do you usually find yourself with in a given day?

Now that I’ve started this job? Not much! It’s been an adjustment, lemme tell ya. But once dinner is finished and the food is put away, I’ll put off doing the kitchen clean up and take those next few hours for family time, generally from 6:30-ish to 8:30 or so. I’ll stay in the living room and just be available for the kids or for Master if he wants anything. I don’t do any chores or get involved in anything else. I’ll watch tv, help the kids with homework or read or whatever. I’m usually pretty damn tired by then anyway so sitting down and doing nothing feels really good. I’m *supposed* to then finish the kitchen before I go to bed. Master doesn’t like to see dirty dishes and a cluttered counter, but I’m just SO tired by then that I’ll try and sneak off to bed without doing it like I should. (bad girl. bad bad girl!)

How long have you worn a buttplug? I always get uncomfortable after a short period and take it out. If I were forced to wear it for an extended period, it might be different. Like figging, the burn might go away a little.

I’ve worn them for hours. Anytime he has me put it in, I know that I’m supposed to keep it in for a minimum of two hours. If he has another time frame in mind, he’ll tell me, I don’t even have to ask. And should it be a day where I’m particular crampy or poopy, it seems simple enough to him that I can just take it out, do my business and put it back in. *sigh* (times like that, I sincerely believe that a *real* Master would try everything out on himself before making the slave do it! *hmmph*)

(no I did not just call you a “fake” Master. Was j/k! j/k!!)

I can’t recall, have you guys ever done figging?

We have tried it a couple of times. It does nothing for me. There is no huge burn, no pain, no arousal, no nothing. I can feel it, it tingles a tad, but nothing to write home to mom about. I just stand there with an ugly root shoved up my ass and be bored..lol

~~*~~

Except for the darkest fantasy question, I think I’ve reached the end. Unless I’ve missed one somewhere. If so, I apologize. Feel free to satisfy your curiosities here until the end of March.

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“Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind.”

Being not from the US… are there any legal issues when it comes to BDSM play?

Oh I’m sure there are. You hear about cases all the time. Apparently, according to the law, a person does not have the *right* to consent to physical “abuse”, so even if I wrote it down, or proclaimed my willing participation, Master could still be charged with something. However, I think that anyone trying to pursue a charge or conviction in spite of my verbal consent would be difficult. Depending, I suppose, on why the charges were brought up. If I was seriously injured, I think the not having the right to consent would stick, and if I were killed, I’m almost positive it would stick, but if it were something like a suspected domestic battery charge? I don’t see that working.

But there are so many obsolete laws on the books still. Things like having anal sex is illegal and having affairs is illegal, really stupid things that don’t stand a snowballs chance in hell of being prosecuted. It really depends on where you are and what kind of judge/jury you get. Some people are out to get anyone who deviates from the norm, while other people recognize a person’s right to privacy and personal freedom.

I also know that you want to tread very carefully when it comes to having small children in the house, especially if there is a possible custody battle looming. Because a judge can determine your sexual lifestyle to be unfit for a household raising children.

It’s kind like it was 20 years ago with homosexuals. They’ve come a long way in the fight against discrimination and I feel like us kinksters are where they were then.

When you had no real time bdsm, did you add pain to your masturbation sessions yourself? (clothespins etc.)

Yes. Always. Clothespins, self spanking, self bondage. Yeah.

Are there things that you’re terrified of but which will happen one day because your Master is fascinated by them?

Branding. *sob*

How do you feel about the idea of being whored out?

It’s one of those things that I fantasize about but realize that the reality of it will probably not be as hot as the fantasy. It may happen someday. I go back and forth with thinking that Master is WAY too possessive to ever allow that, and that he’d do it just to watch me go through it. So I dunno. He says if the person was right and the situation was right, he’ll do it if he wants to.

Could you become a professional dominatrix during the daytime if your Master deemed this a good way to earn money?

If he told me to, I’d do it. But I would really, really SUCK at it. I do not like to hurt people, not at all. In fact, when watching other people be hurt, I want to make it stop. Plus I just don’t have that dominant personality. I’d be like “so, um, do you wanna be tied up? No? Well, okay. Wanna watch tv then?” *snicker*

Would you (when your kids are grown up) accept to be given away to another Master if that was what your Master really wanted?

I’d really, really struggle with that. I don’t think I could. Part of what makes it safe for me to submit this deeply to Master is the love and commitment that we have. With someone else, I’d not be the same slave I don’t think. If it were a temporary thing, a “loan” to another Dom for a set time, then maybe, if I knew I was still Master’s and going back to him, then possibly, yes.

How would you feel about a sister slave?

I’d LOVE one. Someone to share the brunt of Master’s “attention” with? Freakin’ heaven. ;)

Would you be mean to her? :)

Noooo! I couldn’t be. In fact, whenever we discuss poly, the preferred woman would actually be higher on the totem pole than I am. Not necessarily my “Domme”, but definitely have some power over me, but submissive to Master. I am not an alpha sub.

Do you still make snowmen or does that seem silly? (Loved your snowpictures by the way!)

I haven’t made one in years! I used to with the kids but they don’t want to so now I just shovel the stuff!

Is there a country you’d like to visit or something special/crazy you want to do or learn one day?

I want to go to New York City. When I was a kid, I grew up in the country, rural, small town thinking. I always said that I would someday live in NYC. The lights and action and hustle and bustle I saw on tv was so intriguing to me. So, I would at least like to visit there. That’s probably not so crazy, huh?

name a couple guilty pleasures?

American Idol..lol I love that show! Love it!

Stephen King. All those high-falootin authors and classic literature books? Nope. Gimme a good old Stephen King book over those any day.

Barry Manilow, Chicago, Air Supply – any of those sappy love song singers.

Chocolate, of course.

Is there something you had before your life in M/s that you don’t now…that you miss?

Smoking!..lol I miss it. Still. 3 years and counting and I still miss it. I dont miss the smell or the money or anything like that, but I miss the feelings and I miss the comraderie that smokers have. It’s kind of turned into “smokers against the world” as people try and stamp smoking out altogether, so there was this silly community feel to smoking breaks and such.

Sometimes I just miss freedom. Little things, like taking off to go window shopping for a day and nobody cared if the house was clean or not, or deciding to buy pizza for dinner just cuz I dont feel like cooking, or spending money on stuff for the kids instead of paying bills (I used to do that regularly when I was single). Watching tv, going to the bathroom, reading all day and being lazy. Little things.

Do you ever do any “role” play such as age play or maybe teacher and student…doctor and nurse?

No. Never. I cannot do it. I feel absolutely ridiculous when I try. I am not an actress at all.

What’s the most painful thing you’ve ever done/been taken/put through?

Well, having my tits nailed to a board comes to mind, except I was so high on endorphins that I’m not sure I really felt it. But it *should* have been the most painful so I’m giving it a mention anyway.

Having clover clamps pulled off ranks way up there. There is just nothing that compares to clovers for me.

The 24hour tack bra event was pretty awful. At least, the scene there at the end was.

This last weekend’s whip session was bad too. I haven’t even gotten to that.

I dont know! Something will occur to me later I’m sure.

My question is — Do you still have to the task i.e. wearing that scrunchie pot scrubber thingy, or the tack bra or butt plug on a daily basis?

Not on a daily basis, no. The daily tasks went away when Master stopped traveling. Now that he’s home every day and can torture me as he wants, when he wants, he doesn’t have a need for that kind of distant tasking. But I still have them and they still get used. In fact, I wore the scrunchy when we went shopping a week or so ago. It hurt. Made my pussy bleed. :-(

Do you or he have any hobbies or passions besides BDSM? What do you do when you’re not doing chores/blogging/getting beaten? What do the two of you like to do on weekends?

We have lots of them! Master is an avid movie buff and likes nothing more than to curl up with me and have movie marathons on the weekend. We’re both big readers, too. We always have one or two books going apiece. We don’t necessarily have the same taste in books but occasionally we overlap and then we can discuss it and stuff. He reads a lot of science fiction which I hate, and he has no interest in my love story books, but we share Stephen King, Dean Koontz and others.

In the summer, we go to rummage sales and flea markets almost every weekend. That’s a big hobby. We buy lots of junk. Lots. Of. Junk.

Fishing! Master loves to fish and he’s made me a fisherwoman, too.

Master has taught my son how to play D&D, and some other of those role play fantasy type games, and they’ll do that now and then on a weekend with some friends. That usually gives me part of a day to myself and I’ll sit online and indulge my blog reading fetish or camp out in front of the tv for a Project Runway marathon while they play.

I have the crafts going on too.

Usually once a month or so we have a family date night where we do dinner and a movie with the kids. And we’re starting to get more involved in munches and play parties and those are usually once a month, too. So it sure seems like we’re busy all the time!

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“Whether they give or refuse, it delights women just the same to have been asked.”

Aren’t you sorry you started this ;-)

LOL. Nope. I run out of topics and having this to use is like coasting on easy street. ;-)

When you you first start out in the lifestyle or started to have interest in
bdsm?

I think that’s supposed to say “when DID you”, right? That’s what I’m assuming anyway.

Umm… I always knew that I was intrigued and aroused by books and movie/television scenes that had spanking or a rape or any sort of painful, forceful deviant act in it. I was a *huge* fan of true crime books because they often discussed those very things in detail. I couldn’t tell you how often I would shamefully masturbate to true crime books. I really really thought there was something terribly wrong with my psyche.

But then I got my first computer! I had NO idea there were other people who felt the same way. I’d never heard of BDSM, knew nothing about it as a kink or a lifestyle. I was a complete nube. So, I always knew I was “different” but to focus it in a healthy manner (well, healthy to me anyway), I was 29 years old. I’m 37 now. I’m still a nube!

When did you first realize that pain excited you sexually?

Way early on. How old are you in 3rd grade? That’s when I used to straddle the pointed roof of the doghouse and fantasize about being a beaten kidnap victim .. and masturbate. Oy. *blush*

What would you do if your masters job found out about this website? Or someone your kids go to school with? Or the kids themselves?

I think I’ve answered the kid-questions pretty thoroughly already. As for Master’s job, he’s made the decision to take that risk. But he pretty well doesn’t worry about it. I guess his approach is if they find it, there were looking for it, so that puts them in about the same boat. But should it ever come down to having to make a choice between this site, my kids happiness, or Master’s job, then it’s bye-bye journal. That’s a no-brainer.

Do you ever worry about stalkers with as much information about you and scott that you’ve put out here?

I dunno. Do I put a lot of information out there?..lol I have a Pollyanna view of the world, I guess. For whatever reason, I feel safe. *shrug* Why? Are you offering to be my stalker?

What are the rules that you have to follow?

I don’t have a lot, I don’t think. Or, maybe it’s that I don’t see them as rules anymore because it’s just an ingrained part of my life? I’m not sure.

We used to have this whole long list of rules and tasks and chores and rituals. But what we found out was that the whole list was turning into a second “job” for Master. So it’s been whittled down to the basics.

1. Do what I’m told.

2. Be respectful.

Everything else just falls into place after that. There are some things but I’m not sure if it’s a rule or a ritual or what. I do all the household work and 90% of the yard and garden work. I make coffee and breakfast (well, all meals), at night I have to make sure he has a fresh glass of water by the bed, I’m to go to Curves at least 3x a week. Hmm. I dunno. That’s a tougher question than I thought. Things are probably going to occur to me later that I’m not thinking of now because it’s things that I just *do* without really noticing it anymore.

What are the punishments for breaking the rules?

That totally depends on each situation. He’s really not an ogre and he’ll listen to my reasons (if I have any good ones) for why a rule was broken and take that into consideration. We’re far enough along now that deliberate rule breaking just doesn’t happen (often!) anymore, so with that in mind, when something needs correction, I usually DO have a reason. Even if the reason is simple complacency, I’ll generally get a warning before he steps over to punishment. He might just acknowledge to me that I’m slipping in a certain area or snatch a nipple to get my attention and tell me in no uncertain terms that I’m dangerously close to the line.

As for punishment techniques, he has a few favorites. Writing lines or copying dictionary definitions is something I HATE with a passion. So of course he likes to use that. Taking internet time away is pretty effective. He likes clothespins on the tongue and putting me in the corner which is so bloody humiliating (but it certainly has taught me to watch my mouth!), and of course there is the Blue Stick ™. It’s a tool used strictly for punishment spankings, it’s extremely painful, and i hate hate hate it. But that’s saved for really BIG boo-boos and I haven’t had one of those in a while.

~~*~~

So! In other news.. I started a job this morning!

Like 3 days after Master put the kibosh on me getting a job, the absolutely *perfect* job for me was offered to me. In fact, they begged me. I really debated on even talking to him about it because he’d been so adamant that I was “NOT going to work, not now, not ever!” that I was afraid I’d piss him off just by broaching the subject. But I also figured he’d get upset if I didn’t even tell him about it, too. (I hate those situations that appear to be no-win). Anyway, because of what it is, he agreed to let me give it a shot. It’s super part-time, early in the mornings for just a couple hours. I’m home by 9am and have plenty of time to keep up with chores and stuff. Plus it’s fun! And since I already know the place and the people, I had zero anxiety over it. It’s great. Yay me!

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TMI!

Does it hurt when people are mean to you in the comments? I mean, I remember when I was a bitch to you, and wow did you show me down. :P

It doesn’t hurt. It used to. I used to take things personal, but I’ve gotten some pretty thick skin over time.

At one time I took the negative comments and tried like hell to convince whoever wrote it how wrong they were or how they’d misunderstood me. What that accomplished for me was a deeper understanding and conviction about my life choices. I was defensive, maybe because I still harbored some insecurities and doubts about things. But I came out of it pretty confident that I *had* chosen the right path for me and that whatever they were poking at didn’t need to be defended by me anymore. So for that, I suppose I should thank them. ;-)

Now, I just do whatever I feel like doing with the negative comments. Sometimes I delete them, sometimes I ignore them and sometimes I use it as a springboard for a post. I know some people think that when I make it the topic of a post that I’ve let it get to me but that’s not necessarily true. Fact is, I really, really like to rant sometimes because I think bitching can be cleansing (and fun!) and if a comment gives me inspiration to rant, I take it. I don’t hold out any hope that I’m converting anyone to my side and I know that by posting I’m feeding them what they want and perpetuating the cycle. But, like I said, sometimes I just really really like to get bitchy and lay into it. It gives me a thrill. Maybe because it’s something I can’t do in my “real” life so I feed that here. *shrug*

Also do you have a diary just for you where your Master doesn’t read, or does he know EVERYTHING?

I have nothing that he doesn’t know about. He knows EVERYTHING..lol He has all my passwords, he monitors what I do online, reads my emails, reads the comments, etc. etc. It’s really very freeing, you know? To have *nothing* to hide, nothing to cover up, nothing to worry about… I love that. In past relationships it seems there was always something to hide or to worry about them finding, worried it would be misconstrued or whatever, and I just don’t have that now. Love it.

I really think that if I did try and hide something, especially something as personal as a secret diary, that would signify the beginning of the end. Not only because that would mean that I have things I don’t want him aware of, but also that I’d lost some trust in him. I can’t see having M/s without complete trust. And, if I had it and he found it? I’m sure he would be so angry/hurt that he’d end things on the spot. Honesty and openness is probably at the very tiptop of his priority list.

If you could pick any Daddy Dyke to fuck you, who would you pick? *G*

Why YOU of course! You’re the sexiest Daddy Dyke I know! ;D

I don’t ever recall reading about your Master going down on you (I’ve been reading your blog for well over a year) and I was wondering why this is. Does he go down on you? If not, why? If he does, why don’t you ever write about it?

He does go down on me. But not often. Because… I don’t much like it.

He bites!

It’s really odd for me when he goes down on me. I can’t relax and enjoy it because I *know* that sooner or later he’s going to start gnawing on me. So I’m all kinds of tense and wary, just waiting for it. But even if he didn’t do that (and occasionally he doesn’t), that’s still not one of my favorite things to have happen to me. I know this is going to sound weird, but it feels too much like *I’m* being serviced and that really doesn’t sit well with me. And I just have to lie there, so passive, and be serviced? Fucks with my head too much. So, while he does it sometimes in spite of me not really wanting him to, I do try and beg out of it most of the time. I’d rather DO the sexual servicing than BE serviced.

Plus, let’s not forget how awful that feeling is of having your clit continuously fiddled with *after* orgasm. And do you think he stops simply because I’ve come as much as *I* want to? Hell no! And the direct stimulation of his tongue and teeth is so freaking.. intense. Gah. I’m twitchy just thinking about it!

What Is the Misery Stick ™, exactly?

Misery Stick. For the low low price of $9.95

I dunno what it’s made out of. Something flexible and hard. If Master were here I’d ask him but he isn’t. Whatever it is, it stings like a motherfucker and leaves immediate red and purple welts. It feels a lot like being snapped HARD with a rubber band.

1. Where are the hermit crabs? I get my hermit crab fix vicariously through you since Master seems to think that 2 lizards, 2 fish, 2 dogs, and an aquarium full of snails is practically noah’s ark and isn’t allowing me any more pets right now.

They’re doing okay. Wal-mart stopped selling them so I stopped rescuing them! They’re slowly dying off, sadly. But I think that’s to be expected. They’re delicate little creatures and it’s hard to recreate their natural habitat. :(

Believe me, I understand about Noah’s Ark! We have 2 dogs, 2 cats, fish, snails, crabs and 2 parakeets. :D

2. What were your hopes and dreams for yourself before you entered this life? Did you have to grieve for the life you gave up to be who you are now?

I wanted to be an RN, working either in the ER or with the babies. But that got put on hold way before I entered this lifestyle. I put it on hold when I had my first kid. By the time I’d had all three kids, it was a very distant dream. I shelved it, intending to pursue it when my kids were a little older and didn’t require so much of my time and attention.

Then I went a totally new direction after discovering kink.

I did grieve, a little. It would be silly for me to grieve a whole lot when I made the choice to follow this dream instead of the other, but there were a few wistful times when I would wonder “what if?” But to deeply grieve, I think, would mean that I regret my choices and I don’t. Not at all. :-)

1) What’s your favorite work of written erotica? (not porn, erotica)

Pfft. I don’t think I have one. There is one that stands out, not because I think it was necessarily all that great, but because it was the first erotic book I’d ever read, the first I knew that erotica in a bdsm sense was even published, my first exposure to spanking and pain as something other than a sick, dirty secret, and I masturbated a bazillion time to that hidden book. It was called Spanking the Maid. I found it at a used book sale about 12 years ago or so.

I don’t know the difference between porn and erotica..lol.

2) Do you still carve “owned slave” into your breasts?

Yes, when it’s needed. Which is soon.

3) What’s your favorite BDSM website?

Mine!…lol No, I’m kidding.

Believe it or not, I don’t visit a lot of bdsm websites. I do not go to castlerealm or to bondage.com or collarme. All I know of them is what other people say about them. The only message board I read isTSR and I don’t (can’t) participate, I just read. I read journals. That’s really about it.

Which isn’t to say there aren’t quality sites out there, I just tend to let Master be my teacher and not some informational website.

4) Have you ever had sex with another woman?

I have! Two women (though not at the same time!). I do identify as a bisexual, but with strong heterosexual preferences. I don’t think I could ever go strictly with a woman. I really enjoy cock a lot, much more than pussy, but there is definitely an attraction to the softness of a female. It’s been several years since I’ve touched another woman though. *wistful sigh*

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“Questions are the creative acts of intelligence”

What’s your favorite way to be tied up and what’s the longest you’ve been kept tied?

My favorite way is really, really simple. I like to be standing up and have my hands strung up to the ceiling. That’s it.

There is full body access so I can’t block him or get away, yet it allows me some freedom to sway and dance and *think* I’m getting away. For some reason, being able to move during painful things makes it that much more enjoyable easier to take. I dunno why.

I can stay that way for a long time. Probably the longest has been two hours. I even like feeling my hands go cold and numb. It accentuates the helpless feeling. In fact, I get irritated when Master goes all soft and rubs my hands all gentle-like and says things “you doing okay, baby? Your hands all right? Do you need to move?” I get *MAD*. I’m all like “shut up! Shut up! Don’t be nice to me! I’ll TELL you if I need to move! Gah!!!”

Course I don’t say it quite like that (cuz I’m usually gagged) but I *think* it. I would say everything except the ‘shut up’ part, though. Could you imagine the suicide mission I’d be on if I were strung up and demanded that he *shut up* when he has a whip in his hand? *snicker*

What was the best scene you and your Master have ever done?

This is a really hard one. Because, when the scenes are over, I always think *that* one was the best one ever! Until the next one, and then THAT one was the best scene ever!

There was one, from before we moved here. The kids were at Grandma’s for the weekend and we used that whole weekend for some really raunchy stuff. That was when we were getting into some serious mindfuckery so it was just a short hop into la-la land for me. But getting to stay there in la-la land for a couple of days was just.. fucking awesome. That was the time that he chained me, naked, to a post in the basement (a seriously creepy, spider-infested, dirty cellar) and left me there for hours. With a broom. Told me to sweep if I wanted to stay warm. And I did. I swept in as a big of a circle as the chain allowed me to move in.

There was a lot of closet time, isolation. There was a LOT of fucking, and a whole LOT of pain.

That was the time he started carving words into my skin. (I think, if not THE time, it was somewhere close.)

And that was also the first time I had one of those serious brain moments, when he told me to make him some soup and I completely broke down into “what kind? what bowl? what spoon? how do I do it?” He had to lead me through me it, step by step. It sounds goofy, but it was really incredible. I miss those days! *sob*

what is your “favourite” toy????

I do not have a favorite. I hate them all equally. ;)

The thing about toys is they can all be used in a manner that makes me love them, or makes me hate them. It all depends on what his intention is at the time. Even a simple vibrator can be torturous when it’s mashed against your clit until you are well past the yummy multi-orgasmic place and into a “rip the clit off! Just rip it off right now, I don’t care, just STOP DOING THAT!” place. I don’t think we have *anything* that he’s not found a way to hurt me with it enough that I hate it.

I wonder if he does that on purpose? Huh. I bet he does. Bastard. It would be just like him to make sure I equally want and fear *everything*.

I will say this though; in the midst of really hot fucking, nothing beats having the tack bra on and him smashing it into my ribs. God, that’s the best.

Two part question:
Do you have friends in your life that know of your lifestyle and are able to share/converse over such things that life brings?
How did you come to meet them?

I do now. I’ve met some pretty cool people at munches and on the internet. The neat thing about that is that they already know we’re kinky so there wasn’t any pretending or hiding. And I can “be friends” with them on the terms that Master allows and they don’t think anything of it. You know what I mean? They know I can’t gossip for hours on the phone or have impromptu lunch plans. They know that I go incommunicado for days at a time, and they don’t send out a search party. Those kind of things are hard to explain to someone who doesn’t know what our lifestyle is.

I LOVE having someone to talk to who “gets it”. That’s priceless.

As far as friends from before I went kinky, I only have one. I wasn’t the type to have a lot of friends in the first place (hello, anti-social lady!), but I do have one friend who does know, and does read here, and she’s been absolutely incredible about it. Maybe there were some issues for her in the beginning, but it’s enough for her to see me happy.

I’ve always wondered this about people who post pictures of their faces… are you ever worried you will be recognized?

No…lol. I just don’t think I closely resemble the pictures I post of my face. They are usually of me crying or with my make up either smeared or gone altogether. I think someone might wonder to themselves, like, “oh that kinda looks like kaya from the internet”, but I don’t think they would be *sure* it was. And if they asked and I simply said “Nope, don’t know who you are talking about.” what could they say? Argue with me? Demand that I show my ass and tits to prove it?

Maybe those who have seen me could comment on whether I’m recognizable from the pictures here?

Master might be recognizable, but like he says, what can they say? They were the ones looking at all our porn in the first place. Pervs.

Have you ever had to explain away bruises to a stranger who accidently saw them? Not so much a doctors office- just someone at the store or something.

I swear, y’all must think I’m black and blue from head to toe!

There have been two times that come to mind where I’ve had a mark that I couldn’t easily cover and hide. One time I had a fairly deep chain-link shaped bruise around my neck from being choked and hung by the chain. I made up some super lame story about the zipper on my coat, blah blah blah.

The other time – is kind of funny really. Now! Master had this habit of grabbing my nose whenever he wanted my attention or to get me to shut up. He’d grab it and squeeze (hurt too! made my eyes water.) and I kept telling him that one day he was going to do that too hard. Sure enough, one day he did it too hard – and the whole tip of my nose turned purple and bruised and swollen. Gawd. So embarrassing. I was working then, too. I just said I bumped into something or other.

Thing is though, he felt bad about both of those incidents and they’ve never been repeated. He generally is pretty careful about leaving marks in places where others can see them. It’s not our “kink” to force the evidence of what we do on those who have no interest in seeing it. Nor does he want anyone to think he’s abusing me when he clearly is not. So, when it comes to marking me in visible places, he treads very lightly and very carefully. Which is why we live for those times when the kids will be away for an extended period and we don’t have any other obligations elsewhere.

(I know I’m answering the questions out of order but I’m skipping that deepest darkest fantasy…lol. It’s a hard one!)

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And the answer is…….. 42!

How long have you been married?

 We have been together for almost 4 years, married for a year and a half.

Are the children yours together or yours from before?

 The kids are mine from my first marriage (rotten ex that he is). Master doesn’t have any kids of his own, but given that my ex-husband doesn’t have a whole lot to do with the kids, Master has become the only father-figure they’ve ever known.

Whats the history with you and the Grand Poobah? Gimme some backround woman :)

Oh let’s see. Master and I met the old-fashioned way – on the internet. ;)

We “met” in a bdsm-themed chat room about 2 or 3 years before we actually met in person. At the time we were both in relationships, so there was nothing more than the general “hi, how are ya?” kind of chat going on. After a bit we both went our separate ways, just living life, forgetting about each other really.

Then a wonderful woman whom-we-will-always-be-indebted-to, who still spoke to both of us, suggested that we meet. Those previous relationships that we were in had ended and she thought we had a lot in common, so a “booty call” was arranged. He came (literally, *snicker*), and it was incredible from the very first moment. It’s been incredible ever since. We met face-to-face in July of ’04 and in September of that same year, moving plans were made. 

The rest, as they say, is history. :-)

 Are you ever scared one of your children will stumble across your blog?

Not really. I just think it’s very unlikely that they will. The internet is a huge place and their interests don’t exactly lead them this way. But if they should I’m prepared to deal with it.

Which goes hand in hand with this question and perhaps answers it better:

Are you ever worried that your children will disapprove of your lifestyle and walk away from you as adults?

No. Not at all.

I was raised to think that sex was dirty, shameful, disgraceful. I spent a lot of years overcoming that. I’ve raised my kids exactly the opposite way. Sex is normal, it’s healthy, it’s fun. We’ve had numerous conversations about differences in sexuality, about fetishes and kinks. They are very open-minded when it comes to sexuality, both their own and others.

But more than that, they are also open-minded and tolerant about lifestyle choices that people make. We have talked about equality and liberation meaning having the right to choose a lifestyle, whatever it may be. They don’t see me as a cowed, oppressed woman. Maybe that’s easier for them because they’ve also seen me as an independent, single, self-sufficient parent. What they see now is that I’ve made a choice to live as a subservient wife, that I’m happy, that they are happy, we have a good family life.

But should it come to a point where my children try and put my choices and my  happiness to an ultimatum, I’m afraid they’d lose. I don’t generally respond well to someone else trying to force my hand by using emotional blackmail. If they can’t allow my happiness while still maintaining a relationship with us, well then.. bye bye. Once you start that kind of game playing, there’s really no end in sight is there? I’d be jumping through hoops forever to try and keep that relationship with them, and honestly, relationships shouldn’t work that way. Ever.

I know that sounds harsh and callous, and it is, but there is more to me and my life than being a parent, just as they will have more to their lives than being my child. As long as what I am doing doesn’t harm them or someone else, it’s really not their place to try and dictate what I’m allowed to do. Nor can I do that to them, once they’re adults. The whole notion of that is as ridiculous as a parent or child who ends all contact because one is gay and they disapprove of that. What should the person do to maintain that relationship, promise not to be gay anymore? I don’t really see how I live as something I can easily give up. It’s not a hobby or a Saturday activity. It’s my *lifestyle*, it’s who I am. They either accept it, or not. It’s that simple.

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Just the facts, ma’am

You’ve mentioned kids. How do you have so much bdsm play without their knowledge??? and since this one is close to it - I agree with Anonymous, don’t the kids hear the impacts, toys, vocalization and etc? You guys must play like ninjas.

It’s funny that this question comes in when I’ve spent the last for-ever-how-long whining about not having enough playtime. The winter here has been particularly harsh and I think we’re all suffering from winter hibernation. The kids haven’t been going anywhere and it’s certainly affected our playtime.

But normally, the kids are healthy, active teenagers. They go places and do things and visit friends, and come summer break, they’ll zip on down the yellow brick road to Grandmother’s house for a few weeks. That’s when it will get *really* nasty around here. ;-)

And I can’t fucking wait either.

The noises for what we do manage to do? Our bedroom is in the basement. It’s not entirely soundproof (yet), but it’s certainly a lot more private and secluded than when we were on the main floor. The kids are generally on the second floor, that’s where their computer and video games are, so there’s a whole empty floor between us. Plus, we always crank up the stereo or tv when we play, and we don’t get ourselves into anything complicated or serious unless they are in bed or gone.

There is nothing lying around. We don’t have a cage set up in the bedroom, we don’t employ our kids in making floggers. They have found the occasional suspicious left-out item and they think we’re “kinky”, but they don’t think it’s odd or sick or anything like that.

Also, how do you handle summer clothes with Master’s marks on you? Or visits to the doctor?

I stay pretty well covered up, even in the summer. I’m not proud enough of my middle-age spread to be wearing skimpy summer clothes. But even at that, whatever bruising or welts that I do get are around the ass or tit area most of the time, and summer or not, I don’t have those parts hanging out. When there is the occasional mark elsewhere, I brush it off with some remark about being clumsy or whatever.

As for the doctor, I’ve said before that honesty with your doctor is the best policy. Doctors really have seen it all, and they do know what s&m and rough sex are. I guess I’m just not embarrassed or ashamed of what I do anymore.

Second question, is there a regular brand of lube you prefer? I am sick unto death of the here-then-gone drugstore stuff.

Master LOVES boy butter. Loves it. A lot. So do I. The taste isn’t awful, it’s easily cleaned up, it lasts a long time, it’s greasy without being oily. One tub lasts us several months and we use a LOT of lube. It’s just plain good stuff.

How do you not scream and run in fear whenever the toycloset opens? (I always feel like it…)

Um.. there is just nowhere to go. Seriously. The more difficult I make it, if I stammer and whimper and resist and whine, and piss him off? The worse it’s going to be. I’ve learned that it’s in my best interest to meekly submit to this first part of the process, the positioning, the restraining (if there is any), and quietly wait for that first blow. Cuz that’s always the worst for me, that first hit, the first rush of pain. Once I get that I can kind of settle into it. But once he’s gotten me where he wants me and has commenced the beating, I’m free to do all the reacting and hollering and struggling that I want. In fact, he likes that. If I try and ’take it like a man’ without showing just how much it hurts, he only ramps it up until I do anyway. But I like that. I like that a lot. I *need* to be allowed to fight the pain, even as I’m submitting to it. That just does “it” for me. It’s loverly.

There are times when I certainly DO feel like running and hiding. Mostly, I try and keep my eyes on the prize. When it’s all over, when the pain is done and the sobbing has stopped and He’s sated… then I’m happily floating in my endorphin-junkie high. That’s the prize. My fix.

What did you think of The Surrendered Wife? (I’m sorry, I’m a sucker for bookreviews.)

I’d like to tell you – but I haven’t read it yet. The problem with those kind of books is finding the time to read them. They aren’t the kind that I can curl up with on the couch after a long day, or leave lying on the back of the toilet. Unfortunately, these books are locked up with all the rest of the perverted stuff. Occasionally, I’ll get one out after we’ve gone to bed, but usually I’m asleep before I even lay down all the way.

I have read two others though. I read Domestic Discipline, and for someone just starting on the DD road, I’d recommend this book. For us it was pretty useless, though I really did enjoy reading all the information about spanking and such. There is definitely worthwhile information in the book. I also read another book, a collection of short spanking stories (In This House I think it was called), and again, if spanking and DD is your thing, it’s a fine book. It was WAY too mild for my tastes as far as being “erotic s&m” literature.

I am currently poking my way through Control. I think this book has potential for us. It seems like it’s going to delve into the mind control process and that’s certainly a hot button for us. I’ll let you know when I’ve finished it. And I promise to read The Surrendered Wife next!

More tomorrow! Thanks. :-)

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The only stupid question is the one not asked.

Because all the cool kids are doing it.

March is ‘question and answer’ month. Ask me anything. I’ll answer in an upcoming post.

Comment anonymously, use your name, or send me an email (kaya at underhishand.com).

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