Under His Hand

The journal of a slave

Just once…

… I’d like to pull my head out of my ass long enough to NOT be in trouble when Master comes home from a trip.

I woke up this morning to two emails from Him and I got all excited waiting for our fuckled-up computer to let me open it. I was smilin’ and wigglin’ wondering what dirty sentiments He sent me while I was sleeping.

Instead, I get this:

HEY, You better be getting a glass of water EVERY NIGHT…for me..even while I am gone..so you don’t forget..when i get home…got it..

also..have you been posting……you need to send those to my hotmail…

M

Apparently I don’t check my email often enough because following that email came this one-

So I hope you haven’t posted anything NEW in the last couple days..CUZ they are NOT in my mail box….and that means you aren’t doing what you were supposed to do…

Da Big M. -who may not be happy if I check my mailbox..and there’s no posting…if you made one…Grr’s… Get your shit together..OR I will be using the Blue Stick….

Not exactly the “good morning, cunt. I love you and I miss you” email I was hoping for. I went from happy-n-wiggling to oh-fuck in less than a second.

Stoopid FetLife, sucks ya in like a black hole. It eats your brain and makes you forget your purpose! Bah. No excuses though. I’m not even going to try. No “but, Master! the kids!” or “but, Master! work!” or “but, Master! the garden!” or “but I forgot!” (which I did, but He doesn’t accept that excuse anymore. No-how, no-way.)

I also have a task to do, nothing ridiculously difficult, some clothespins and rubber bands, that He’s given me until midnight tonight to have it done, with the *promise* of 50 lashes if I don’t. I had been contemplating trying to beg out of it simply because time is not my friend. But now there is not a chance of appealing to His sense of leniency. I fucked that up for sure.

Too busy talking about slavery and not doing it. Shameful. :-(

The road to Hell punishment is paved with good intentions.

~cunt

To Punish or Not To Punish. That is the Question.

I’ve read each response to the punishment post with avid interest. I’m endlessly fascinated with the differences in how people live this life. I’m even more fascinated by how quickly some are to criticize that which they don’t understand or incorporate into their own relationship. Myself included, though I don’t always see it as I do it. Not that any of the comments were critical, I don’t mean that. Other places, things that I read, are. Anyway, it only seemed fair that I answer my own questions.

What place does it have in your bdsm relationship? A big one, though I often suspect that Master and I aren’t on the same page with it. I think it’s much more vital to me than it is to Him. He’s prone to excuse, or forget, or neglect a punishment with little thought to it being anything of any significance, whereas that tends to send me into a tailspin. I wish He was stricter and would incorporate more immediate consequences and I think He sees that as work and so He doesn’t. And He’s probably right, it IS work, but that doesn’t change my desire for it one bit.

What is your opinion of those who “play punish”? This can be taken two ways. There are those who do the whole “Ouuu, you’ve been a nasty, nasty girl. Now I must spank you. C’mere you baaaad girl!” and that seems like harmless fun. But the real question I was asking was about those who NEED to have punishment as a reason to have a scene. If it’s a trumped up mistake or something taken out of proportion, and used as the catalyst for a harsh scene. Maybe the Top cannot accept that He’s simply a pervert, that “punishing” her for her transgressions makes His kink okay, or the bottom needs that reason to explain away her desire to be hurt. I can see that it could be damaging, if one party does it that way but the other doesn’t. If a Top uses punishing as the excuse for every scene, I can see a sub becoming frustrated, thinking she’s never doing anything right.. or something like that. Or if a sub who needs the punishment excuse is beaten just for sadism’s sake, I can imagine she’d feel unfairly punished, like she hadn’t “deserved” it. I can definitely see where it would have to be a mutually agreed upon method or the potential for damage is high.

I can also see some of Master and I in that scenario too. But I need to think on that before I expand on it.

What do you think of couples who disguise their kink behind domestic discipline? Actually I think falls into the previous question. Spanking, either giving or receiving is a kink. The need for it, the need to administer it. And in DD relationships, it’s used, apparently, in a punishment sense. Behave or Be Punished. There HAS to be, from both parties, a kink for punishment, because if there isn’t, you’ve either got a wife who is being non-consensually punished (abused?), or an unwilling Top catering to his wife’s kink. (and rearrange the gender pronouns as you need. I’m not doing the slashy-slash stuff.) So my opinion of people who engage in a strictly DD relationship is that they have a punishment kink. Or maybe not. I freely admit that I am not well-read on DD dynamics.

Do you think the word ‘punishment’ is incorrectly used, when a more appropriate word like discipline or training is more fitting? Yes. I really do. I could say that my “punishment” for the whining, screaming, ass fucking of the other day is a return to the butt plug schedule (that I hate), but that would be incorrect. I think. It’s NOT a punishment, it’s a training technique or a disciplinary measure. I wouldn’t even say that writing lines is punishment (though I hate that too!), because the content of the lines that I’m made to write are designed to “train” something into my head. A word definition or a rule written out 500 times can really slam it into my memory. That’s discipline. But I also think it can be punishment, too, sometimes. So is the deciding factor on whether it’s discipline or punishment based on whether it follows a transgression or not? I’m not sure, but I think it might be. Having to write those lines as a standard or to reinforce something would be discipline, but to have it assigned because I’d already broken the rule pushes it over into punishment? Bah. I contradict myself, I know.

Are you of the mindset that a submissive should just behave and that punishment of any sort is ridiculous? No..lol. Then I’d be sunk. I know there are people who operate that way, but I’m SO glad Master is not one of them. I need room to be imperfect and stubborn and stupid and willful. I need to know that He’ll come along and conquer me all over again. The idea of having to be “perfect” with no room for mistakes would be more than I could take. If that makes me immature or incompetent, I’m fine with that.

Is there a point where repeated punishments for the same offense seem to point to a deeper problem? I think so. Though that deeper problem could just be forgetfulness (like me!). But it could also signify something that warrants a closer look than just repeated applications of the same consequence.

If punishment is a factor in your life, is there/has there been any struggle to find one that works? Oy. Yes. That’s why He has several that He uses.

Have you, as a masochist-submissive, willfully been disobedient purely for the sake of being punished? Ayup.

If the whole punishment “scene” is an actual admitted kink of yours, can you also have genuine punishments that don’t trip the trigger? Well there are certainly some things that are worse than others, but when one of my kinks is actually the method of having consequences for my actions, I don’t think there is anything that doesn’t flip that switch in some way.

Is it possible to maintain the punishment dynamic if you don’t both have some element of punishment kink? I mean, if there isn’t some area of eroticism about it for one of you, do you see it working in any capacity? I don’t. And I think this might be where Master and I run into some troubles now and then.

And lastly, does anyone who does incorporate punishment in their lifestyle acknowledge the extreme difference between a punishment spanking and a non-punishment spanking and how one cannot replace the other? That simply “asking to be spanked” does not scratch the right itch or feed the right hunger or soothe the right burn.. that there is something; something heavy and sinfully exciting and deeply satisfying that is only ever touched by being harshly, forcefully, and thoroughly punished… that no matter how good you want to be, no matter how much you dislike His disappointment, no matter how ashamed you may be… it’s there and it’s strong… Nobody really touched on this in the comments, but for me, this sums up my feelings about it perfectly. It is something entirely different than a regular spanking or a regular scene and it does give me something that no other amount or application of pain can even come close to, which is why simply asking for a spanking or asking to be hurt doesn’t take the place of having messed up and having been punished for it. And is also why, no matter how much I know He doesn’t like it when I misbehave, I occasionally do it on purpose because I feel like I’m STARVING and DYING for not getting that need met… and is also why, when I have genuinely and unintentionally messed up and He blows it off for whatever reason, it completely and totally fucks up my world for a long while. In a bad way. And I don’t necessarily like this about myself, at all.

and maybe, just maybe… it’s conquering that need that is the real path to submission? Or is it? I don’t know. Maybe. I work on trying to conquer this every day. Sometimes I’m real good at it, other times Im not. I know I’m way way better than I used to be. And to be honest, that kind of makes me sad because I feel like I’m killing something inside of me. It makes me feel defeated.. and dead.

Is it just another harmless but misunderstood fetish, just another point for people to judge or claim superiority on because they’ve never felt it in that way? Yeah. I think so. It’s another way of saying “my kink is okay, but yours is fucked up” coming from people who really should know better.

I don’t know that there is any way to explain a punishment kink, just as there is no way to explain a fisting kink or a bondage kink. You can discuss how it feels physically, what you think in the moment and out of the moment, try and detail the need it fills in you – but to explain the why, it’s just not possible.

But I’m so tired of being ashamed of it, you know? Weary of feeling less-than, and being told that it’s wrong, fed up with thinking there is something wrong with me, or that I just don’t get it.

So I’m going to try to not feel those things anymore. That’s one thing that I’m certain has no place in my life. Everything else is a work in progress. It probably always will be.

~cunt

“It is a smaller thing to suffer punishment than to have deserved it”

Master never lets me online anymore. Srsly! I try and cram in like 20 minutes when I get home from work in the morning, but after that, nothing. Like He thinks I should be focused on Him and on my chores. The nerve!

So I’ve really really missed the routine I used to have of posting at this time of night when He was away. The house is quiet, I’m relaxed, I’m just sleepy enough to babble incessantly. It’s my favorite time to journal. And He is not here to tell me no. :D

I have punishment on the brain (go figure). The need for it, the use of it, people’s attitude toward it. I’ve read a few things, some that were insulting, some that were understandable, some that were downright brilliant.

When I first discovered the world of bdsm, I thought punishment was a part of it for everybody. That consequences logically followed rules and expectations. The struggle for control, the bending of wills, working to learn obedience – discipline and punishment. In my naivety, I thought a lot of things were universal; that we’d all get along, that we were all on the same path and that we’d all end up in the same place. Oh what a rude awakening I had coming to me.

I’m curious now what people think of punishment, what you all think. What place does it have in your bdsm relationship, and if you aren’t in one, what place do you think it should have, if any? What is your opinion of those who “play punish”? What do you think of couples who disguise their kink behind domestic discipline? Do you think the word ‘punishment’ is incorrectly used, when a more appropriate word like discipline or training is more fitting?

Are you of the mindset that a submissive should just behave and that punishment of any sort is ridiculous? Is there a point where repeated punishments for the same offense seem to point to a deeper problem?

If punishment is a factor in your life, is there/has there been any struggle to find one that works? Have you, as a masochist-submissive, willfully been disobedient purely for the sake of being punished? If the whole punishment “scene” is an actual admitted kink of yours, can you also have genuine punishments that don’t trip the trigger? Is it possible to maintain the punishment dynamic if you don’t both have some element of punishment kink? I mean, if there isn’t some area of eroticism about it for one of you, do you see it working in any capacity?

And lastly, does anyone who does incorporate punishment in their lifestyle acknowledge the extreme difference between a punishment spanking and a non-punishment spanking and how one cannot replace the other? That simply “asking to be spanked” does not scratch the right itch or feed the right hunger or soothe the right burn.. that there is something, something heavy and sinfully exciting and deeply satisfying that is only ever touched by being harshly, forcefully, and thoroughly punished… that no matter how good you want to be, no matter how much you dislike His disappointment, no matter how ashamed you may be… it’s there and it’s strong and maybe, just maybe… it’s conquering that need that is the real path to submission? Or is it? Is it just another harmless but misunderstood fetish, just another point for people to judge or claim superiority on because they’ve never felt it in that way.

What do you think?

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

Yesterday was a good day. In spite of getting that punishment that’s been hanging over my head.

Master’s trip scheduled for next week was suddenly moved up to today (in fact, He is probably somewhere over Wyoming right about now) so He took yesterday off of work to get ready. There were three things He wanted to do yesterday; pack, play and punish.

The decision for Him was in what order. If He did the punishment first, we’d both be in that punishment headspace that would put a damper on the playing. But if we played first, the punishment would be less effective. And waiting it out through another trip wasn’t an option (thank God). He decided that my transgressions weren’t going to be the rain falling on His parade, so we played first.

And that was great. We were working on some things, there was some fucking and some romping and some bondage and some sucking. It was just fun (all up until the butt fucking, which I’ll tell ya about later!) – (it HURT SO BAD!)

So definitely the punishment, when it came, was different. Either I was flying high which made it less severe or He was flying high and was less harsh. Or both. It still hurt, don’t get me wrong! At the time, I was just as nervous and desperate for it to be over as I always am, it still seemed to hit bone (although watching the clip, as usual, it looks like He’s barely swinging) and I still cried.

I’m just glad it’s over. I’m even more glad that we had time to frolic in the land of perversion before He had to leave and that the punishment didn’t ruin that.

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I’m off to take the dog to the vet and then run some errands, catch up on the chores I didn’t do yesterday cuz I was naked and tied up…. and then hopefully I can spend some time getting caught up on everyone. I’ve missed you all!

~cunt

(I am putting the clip up at the clip store. It’s not the best quality I’m afraid. The camera was on some funky setting and it’s a little grainy, as you can see in the still shots I took from it.)

“Expecting [Master] to be fair because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.”

Last night I was tired. No, I was beyond tired. I was bone-weary, blurry-eyed, dead-ass exhausted. At the ungodly late hour of… 9pm.

Maybe I need vitamins. Maybe it’s that week of the month where pms sucks out every single bit of energy a woman has. Maybe I’m too old for mornings that start at 4-freaking-30. Or maybe I’m just lazy. Whatever the reason, at 9:00 last night, I begged to go to bed.

He allowed it, following me there. Given the insane hours he’s been working on a difficult project, he was probably as tired, if not more so, than I was. I took off his boots and then stumbled to the bed, stripped, got in and promptly began drifting off.

“I think you should give me a blow job.” He piped up from across the bed where he was still undressing.

“Ugh. ‘morrow.” I mumbled. “Tired.” Then, taking just a moment to think, I wearily pryed my eyes open and gave him a sleepy, cutesy smile. “Sorry I’m so lazy.” and then closed my eyes again.

Of course I knew he could make me give him a blow job but I also knew that he… wouldn’t.

I felt the bed shift as he climbed in. My skin started to crawl in that way that it does when you know someone is watching you. Closely watching you. Studying you.

Reluctantly I dragged my eyes open to find Master’s face just an inch or so from mine.

“I’m real busy at work.” He said softly. “This project’s deadline is looming, it’s giving me problems and it’s all I’m thinking about right now.” I smiled at the gentle tone of his voice. “When it’s done, you and I will sit down and have a talk.”

“About what?” I yawned, lulled by the insidiously mellow way he was speaking to me.

His tone hardened. “About being lazy and all the things you are not doing.”

Oh.

Oops.

I was no less tired after that little chat and I still drifted off to sleep fairly quickly, but it wasn’t a good sleep at all. Plagued with dreams of a dead body found hidden in the neighbor’s yard and the body’s ghost, sitting in my kitchen. Which, according to internet interpretation, signifies these lovely things:

1. To see the dead in your dream, forewarns that you are being influenced by negative people

2. These dreams are particularly troubling as we often see ourselves as unable to reverse or complete the necessary actions to salvage a situation

3. To dream of seeing a deceased person is normally a dream of warning, and it tells you that the influences around you at this time does not bode well for your affairs

And in the dream, I was wanting to call the police. The ghost, weirdly polite and patient, was saying that being properly laid to rest would be nice. Master told me no, worried for our safety from the person responsible. And as I was being woken up, I was calling the police anyway.

Lord only knows what the (very obvious) interpretation is when you DREAM of disobeying your Master!

So of course I’m ashamed. I don’t know if what he said last night was a warning or a promise, but I do know any ‘talk’ begun that way is going to involve not-so-much-of-the-talking on my part as listening and crying while HE talks.

And too, I was a tiny bit miffed in that ‘well, what did you expect?’ sort of way. When the decision was made for me to take this job, he had to have known there would be SOME amount of sacrifice somewhere. Working 4 hours in the morning is hardly overwhelming, but it’s that early morning that’s a killer. Coming home and napping to replenish that energy would mean taking me away from the housework or the cooking or the laundry. Clearly, something’s gotta give in some area, right?

I mean, aren’t I entitled to some amount of understanding? Aren’t I allowed some areas to slack in?

It’s only fair that if he can use work and stress as an excuse to slack in his ‘masterly’ duties, then I equally get to let things slide on my end.

I don’t think I should be held to a higher standard than he is. I shouldn’t have to put in more than he does. I thought this was a partnership!

Right?

I mean, jeez, he’s treating me like I’m some sort of… of… like I’m a slave!

*sigh* I hate my head sometimes.

I can hear it now. “Oh, cunt. Let’s count the errors in those sentences, shall we?”

what did you expect? – I expect you to do what you’re supposed to do.
there would be SOME amount of sacrfice – Yes. On your part, cunt.
something’s gotta give – Yes. YOU.
aren’t I entitled to – No.
Aren’t I allowed – No.
It’s only fair – do you SEE a ferris wheel in the living room, cunt? There is no ‘fair’ here.
to slack in his ‘masterly’ duties – Oh reeeeally?
I equally – I’ll show you the meaning of ‘equally’ when I ‘equally’ beat both ass cheeks.
get to – you get to do what you’re told. That’s what you get.
I don’t think – yes you do. Too much. This needs to be addressed.
held to a higher standard – exactly.
I shouldn’t have to – since when do you decide what you should or should not ‘have to’?
I thought – again with the thinking.
a partnership – a dictatorship, cunt. Where I’m the dictator and you – are not.
Right? – Wrong
I’m a slave! – then fucking act like one!

So, yeah. It’s not fair and I don’t get to slack. I don’t WANT to slack and I don’t want to be allowed that excuse. I’m glad he calls me on it. I need that.

It just sucks monkey butt when it happens.

~cunt