Early Initiation

Posted with permission, snippets of a Fetlife member’s copied chat log.

Note: the “me” in the chat log is NOT me…lol. It’s her(JustTen on FL), but I am too lazy to go changing words and shit.

Personally, I thought this was a fascinating conversation.

Him: If you’re on my list there should be for two reasons:
Him: 1) you’re serious looking for a Dom
Him: 2) you have a history of abuse in your past
Him: Which one is it..?
Me: both in a way
Him: Good…
Me: why is that good?
Him: I like when a sub has a history of abuse..
Me: why is that?
Him: it turns her into a better servant..especially of she grew up to crave the sensations ( not the emotions) what was done to her before.
Me: interesting
Him: and truthful..
Me: i’d like you to elaborate. Prefering abused subs makes you seem a predator on broken women. Those who haven’t healed.
Him: a predator..or perhaps makes me a Dom who understands a woman who embraces the fact she has a need/urge to empower herself through something she now finds essential.

Him: replace the word abuse by “early initiation”and it changes the context completely.
Me: abuse is NOT early initiation.

Him: nonethless.. it change your mental/sexual roadmap completely.
Me: my roadmap was changed even before the abuse

Him: love and affection can only be shown nowadays through very distinct mechanisms

Him: love and affection then can only be shown through the dynamics of guidance, discipline and punishment. Wouldn’t that be true..?
Me: no, love and affection can be shown through many ways

Him: Which one of them is still inside your head when you lay at night and crave submission..?

JustTen posted and simply asked for our take on it. Agree, disagree, whatever.

The overwhelming majority of the replies to this were negative. This guy has been labelled a creep, a predator, dangerous, a perp, asshole, bastard, pathetic fuck – well, it’s an endless litany of insults really.

Naturally I don’t see it as they did. I rarely do. In the thread I said:

He’s not the one abusing these poor little girls. He’s not doing the “initiating”. He’s taking something that already happened and using it. I don’t see that as the horror it’s being portrayed as here.

Lots of people are abused. I was, too. It happens. Nobody can continue your (not you specifically, you generally) victim status except your own self.

At least this guy here is honest. He sees that there is a phenomena that happens with abuse “victims”, something within that appeals to him, or makes them “easier” to dom. (If anything, he just admitted he’s lazy.)

Big deal. I am sure that I exhibit behaviors leftover specifically from being abused that my Master uses to his advantage. Why shouldn’t he? He can’t change what happened, he can’t “fix” me, I am who and what I am and he loves me for it. He uses it. I’d be more pissed off if he treated me like a china doll (and, in my mind, perpetuated more abuse by doing so) because I was “damaged goods”. That he uses me, and my various leftover reactions, to his advantage proves to me that he doesn’t think I’m damaged.

If that guy were to have said he wanted to “fix” you, he’d be applauded. White Knight Syndrome. Whatever. But since his angle isn’t so altruistic, he’s suddenly dangerous? Come on. That seems a tad overreactive to me.

Not everybody is seeking the same thing from a bdsm relationship. Not everyone views it in such a romantic, “he always has my best interests in mind and he’s gonna fix me up all better!” sort of heart-shaped bubble way.

Personally, I rather like his take on it in some ways. I was abused right? Can’t go back in time and change a single second of it. Would I have been a kinky-fuck anyway? Probably. I think so.

So, if I believe I would have been kinky anyway, and this abuse happened, why not try to find the advantages of it rather than continuously lamenting over the shoulda /coulda/ woulda’s. Rather than remaining in poor-me territory.

This right here: “she grew up to crave the sensations ( not the emotions) what was done to her before.” and this: “makes me a Dom who understands a woman who embraces the fact she has a need/urge to empower herself through something she now finds essential.”

He isn’t saying that HE’S taking advantage of it – he’s saying that SHE is. That she SHOULD. It’s there, it happened, embrace it and make it healthy (as healthy as kink can be anyway). Use it instead of fighting it.

The sort of stuff I experienced when I was being abused are exactly the things I crave now, exactly what I find essential to my happiness and well-being. I am embracing, accepting, and seeking those things out. Not those same emotions though – which he identifies as being a no-no, I might add.

I may very well have been initiated early to accept and eroticize pain. To see love in discipline. If that has made Master’s life easier, then great. I’d rather my past make his life easier than harder.

~~*~~

There were a few people who shared my opinion, most did not.

Maybe I have an extremely detached view of having been abused, but I just don’t see the point in always looking back on it with anger and sadness and carrying that around and letting it affect my future. Yeah, it sucked but it happened. Nothing will ever change what happened so why not use it as much as one can to an advantage?

I just don’t *get* the idea that to do so is “repeating the trauma”.

So I asked the girl if I could copy and paste it here because I have brilliant readers. What do you think?

Is the term “early initiation” really as offensive as people said it was?

Do you think he’s “preying” on weak, broken women?

I really was shocked at the venom in the negative replies when I was sitting there thinking, hey! yeah! I get that.

LOL. I’m always out in left field somewhere I guess.

But discuss it with me, if you want. I’m interested!

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Give credit where credit is due.

My case of Vanilla Pox continues to run rampant. (Maybe I need some calakinky lotion? kinkymine lotion? *snicker*) So, with no tales of debauchery to tell, I’ll continue to babble about stuff.

 I did, however, have a flash of something while working on crafts yesterday so perhaps there is an end in sight. I sure hope so because, I have to say, being vanilla while married to a horny sadist SUCKS ASS. Although he shows the utmost patience and support while I wallow in this mire, it’s in his nature to reach out and pinch, grab, smack, poke, pull, tug and flick which, quite frankly, pisses me off.

 My station in life or not, I don’t wannaaaaaaaaa!

(I’m still selling crafts, btw. I need to update the link but Im waiting until I finish the Christmas line.)

 Anyway, last night was parent-teacher conferences at the high school. Am openly admits that the reason she likes going to conferences is because the teachers stroke her ego. And they do! They lavish her with praise. It’s not only that she gets good grades because she does struggle in certain classes, but she’s just a good kid, nice, polite, pleasant. The teachers love her.

Unfortunately she inherited my math gene. The one that says that anything above grade level 4 is incomprehensible jibberish. Good thing math isn’t important in life, right? ;-) Oy.

Her speech teacher told me that he’s recruiting her for the Forensics Speech Team this year. He said that she’s a natural at public speaking and assured both of us that she’ll “win lots of trophies and medals” at the competitions. I wouldn’t doubt that this speech she’s preparing now on same-sex marriage will be one that she presents at Forensics. (and thank you all so much for the info. It’s been a HUGE help.)

It doesn’t hurt, either, that I also get lavished with praise for having reared such a wonderful child. Though I wish I could take the praise, I don’t. Not really.

I do for some things. Whenever it’s hinted that I’m a less-than desirable parent, I can’t help but reassure myself that the fact that my kids are as great as they are means I’m doing *something* right. But I’m also a pretty firm believer in nature over nurture.

Take Jes and Am for instance. They’re spawned from the same gene pool, only one year apart, raised by the same person, with identical rules, in identical environments, and up until the last year and a half, interacted with the same peer group, same teachers, same communities. Yet, they are polar opposites in personality, temperament, interests, goals, intelligence, moods.. you name it. Two strangers from opposite sides of the world couldn’t be more different than my two daughters.

How could that be attributed to anything other than nature? I believe that people are born with pre-set traits, and nurturing does nothing more than build on them.

Same with myself. If I was kinky because of nurturing, or because of my environment, why do I dip into these incredibly UN-kinky times? If my propensity to kink *isn’t* based upon a chemical or hormone that my body produces, then I would never experience these “lows”. If it were a result of my environment, I’d be steady because my desire for it wouldn’t be dependent upon whatever chemical it is that’s currently at a low dosage point.

There is a lot of speculation on how having an abusive childhood or an abusive past forces a person into kink. The theory is that it’s a continuation of abuse, a continuation of a “familiar comfort”. That one knows no other way to interact.

I don’t agree with that. Not entirely. If that were the case then ALL people into kink would be abuse victims, which is not true. All abuse victims would be drawn to kink, which is also not true. There are a certain amount of abuse victims in kink, just as there are a certain amount of abuse victims in ALL walks of life.

I used to work primarily with women, and occasionally we’d sit and gab and get on the subject of childhoods and pasts. A vast number of us had been abused in our pasts. A VAST number. I remember thinking to myself “wow. a huge number of abuse victims are drawn to healthcare careers!” But the truth is, there is simply a huge number of abuse victims, period. Everywhere.

The fact that I was abused in my past is no more consequential to who I am now, than is the fact that I’m a brunette with blue eyes. Or that I’m shorter than average. Or that I was a smoker. Or that I used to have a crush on Michael Jackson (way before he got really weird, mind you.) Point is, all of those things about me have shaped me in some ways, yes, but my hardwiring was determined at birth. I believe anyway.

Just as was my daughters’. I don’t know how much credit I can take for that.

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