“No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly.”

It seems like people still want to believe that we’re a normal family, playing at submission and dominance. That, you know, sure, it’s cute and fun to spank and order me around for a bit, but when things get serious he’s obligated somehow to treat me as an equal. That underneath it all we don’t really do this whole Boss/cunt thang, except to get our rocks off.

Someone commented awhile back, asking why it has to be all or nothing.

Because it does.

If it isn’t – it’s not good enough. Not for me and not for him. That’s not a value judgment against how anyone else does it, I only know how it works for us. It is, always has been and always will be, a matter of He says, I do. Or I leave. I either submit or I don’t, that choice is mine, of course, but to not submit means to end the relationship because our relationship is not one based on equals or on negotiation or partnership. It’s one based on dominance and submission.

But he’s not only going to be asking me to submit to a beating or to suck his dick or to shovel the driveway.

It’s not always pretty. Slavery isn’t pretty, submission isn’t pretty, and if it always has to be, if that’s the only way it sits comfortable for someone – well, I’m probably not the person to be reading.

I know that I’ve hinted around to the Big Limit that I smacked against having something to do with the kids. I know I presented it as me standing up for the noble cause of motherhood.

I’m, perhaps, not nearly as noble as I tried to be. But neither is he an ogre.

It was interesting, I thought, that when I was detailing having hit a limit, people were quick to reassure me that finding a limit where I previously thought I had none was a-okay, normal and expected. But when it came time to say that perhaps it wasn’t MY limit so much as HIM finding a limit, people were pretty quick to judge that that is not allowed on his part. I heard how he knew what he was getting into when it started and he can’t back out now and that’s not right and blah blah blah –

But why don’t those same sentiments apply to me? I knew what I was getting into with as much possible forethought as he did.

It’s common, I’ve noticed, to extend sympathy and understanding to the submissive party of a relationship in crisis, yet people condemn, without trial or even knowledge of the issues, the dominant party. Even though those same people will say that doms aren’t Gods, doms are human, doms make mistakes. Apparently those mistake only extend as far as a stray whip strike?

Could he not have realized, some 5 years later, that taking on a woman and her 3 kids was a lot more involved than he thought? Can he not then say, look, I’m in this for the long haul with you but there have to be some limitations because I’m not an endless well of money? I’m not a brick wall of support? I’m human and tired and I need to have some sort of end in sight?

Our kids can live here until they are 30 for all he cares, as long as they are making an effort to improve themselves. Go to work or go to school and the door is open for as long as it’s needed. But he’s not a free ride for anyone. That’s not a dominant stance, it’s a reasonable and healthy parental stance.

Jes quit school and has made no effort to find even a part-time job at McDonalds. And now she’s pregnant.

She can stay here and we’ll happily help her with anything she needs *as long as* she makes some effort to improve her situation.

What she wants is to have us rent her an apartment in another state where the baby’s daddy lives, give her the car and help her pay for the baby, so she can play house with her boyfriend; who, btw, has another baby on the way with a different girl.

He’s 17 and has no job with two kids on the way. Jes’ll be 17 soon, has no job and no education.

We argued and things were said that were taken out of context. I didn’t give him the chance to explain himself because I complicated the issue by reacting so quickly (taking off my collar and saying I was leaving), and once that was out there, the focus of Jes and what to do about her was lost.

I had a knee-jerk reaction to Master’s refusal to go along with Jes’s plan. I resented that because he controls the purse strings, I couldn’t decide on my own to go along with Jes’s plan. I immediately, and probably correctly, assumed that if I don’t give her what she wants, I’ll never see that baby. Jes is a good manipulator and I’m an easy target. I also thought there was no way in hell I’d not adopt that baby if Jes wants to go that route.

What Master is saying isn’t unreasonable. If she wants to stay here, we’ll support her 100%. He’ll support her child. But she has to either go back to school or look for a job (within reasonable expectations for her health and abilities). She’s going to be a mother, she’s no longer got the luxury of just being a confused teenager. Time to step up and pay the piper.

But if she wants to go, if she wants to play grown-up, then she’s on her own. I will “abandon” her to the bed she made. And I (probably) cannot adopt it. I am struggling, still, with knowing that. Even though I know there are a hundred factors that could change it, accepting that no matter what, it’s not a decision I’ll get to make is hard.

~sigh~

It’s far more complicated and detailed than this, but you’d all have to come live here to get the whole of it. You’d have to know Jes to even come close to understanding most of it.

……

I’m getting off track.

If I am allowed, with open-arm acceptance, to have my limits, then so is he. If I’m cheered when I draw a line in the sand, let’s not boo him when he does the same.

It’s just not nice. It’s not fair.

Well. I keep thinking I should say more, try some other way of wording it to pretty it up or something, but this is it. These are the curveballs that life throws you and you do the best you can with them. Not beautiful, not always.

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