Another one bites the dust…

I see that the last post came out *completely* wrong. I didn’t mean to bash the conclusions that anyone came to. I know it came across that way but that’s because I’m a twat. Y’all aren’t twats. That is reserved for me. :-)

1 person likes this post.

Like

Unlike

What’s the big hairy deal? Well, I’ll tell you.

I haven’t mentioned that about two weeks ago, Master took me to the beauty salon and had them cut eight inches of my hair off. EIGHT inches.

That’s a lot of hair.

At the last minute, like as I was sitting in the chair, he upped it to 10 inches and I near about had a panic attack meltdown in front of the beautician. But, fortunately for me, his purpose in upping it to 10 was to be able to donate it to Locks of Love, but my 10 inches of hair would have been in layers and not a straight 10. So whew… it couldn’t be done and the cut stayed at eight inches.

My hair now sits just an inch or so below my shoulders. Still not a super-short cut, but for me it is, and it’s the shortest Master has ever seen it.

I’m not sure what he has going on here with chopping off the head hair and letting the cunt hair sprout willy nilly.

I’m reluctant to present a haircut as a profound thing, or to make it into something more than it is… but, if I’m going to be honest, a haircutting decision made by someone other than yourself really is profound. It’s easier, in my experience, to let it grow based on his decision to wear it long, than it is to sit in that chair with him dictating to the lady with the scissors how to cut it.

Not that I wasn’t in agreement with getting it cut! Because, truly, it was a pain. I swear that every move made by myself or Master involved getting my hair caught, trapped, pulled. He was as frustrated with my yelping as I was frustrated with the pain.

But the inconvenience of having that long hair was offset by his clear attraction to, and enjoyment of my hair. I would never have chosen to cut it if it meant lessening his pleasure. That HE chose to do it has sent me into a teeny tiny tailspin.

I don’t think he likes it, at all. So I sit in front of the mirror and I feel this overwhelming guilt. It wasn’t my decision, nor my choice, true, but… neither did I object beyond a cursory “Are you sure you want to do this?” while sitting in the waiting area of the salon. I feel like I should have argued more, or protested more because I KNEW how much he loved my long hair. But all I was thinking at the time was how wonderful it would be for me to not have to deal with the hassle of it.

I don’t feel pretty, and I see it in his face when he looks at me and his eyes travel over my head. He’s said to me about a hundred times since “you don’t like it do you?” and I don’t.. I really don’t. I don’t like it because HE doesn’t like it.

So, it’ll grow back of course. But that’s a long time to feel unattractive and guilty.

I keep thinking that his initial offer to take me to get it cut was made because he wanted to hear me say that putting up with the difficulties of long hair was worth it for him. And I didn’t say that. I eagerly hopped into the car and focused on how nice it was going to be to not have my hair layed on or stepped on or caught in the car door or stuck in the zipper of my coat… and never once did I think of the look on his face.

Fail.

Be the first to like.

Like

Unlike

Can I quit?

Today, well hell, the last several days, a week maybe, I’d go vanilla I think. I’m just not feeling *anything* even remotely close to desiring kink. Nothing. Nada. Don’t want sex, don’t want pain, don’t want NUTHIN.

 But I know I’ve gone through this valley before so I’m not too worried. It ebbs and flows, right? And really, if it ebbed away forever, I still wouldn’t be worried. I could do vanilla.

 LIE! I couldn’t. That was a lie. I’m sorry.

I’m not even in the mood for Christmas. Now *that’s* worrisome. Maybe I need some St. John’s Wart, eh? (opinions on SJW? Good stuff or no?)

 Anyway, so Am’s gotten a couple of babysitting jobs lately and yesterday she asked me if she could take me out to dinner and shopping. Just me, some mom and daughter time. So of course the first thing I feel is guilt.

I’m hardwired for guilt I think.

 I felt guilty that she’d be spending her hard earned cash on me, I felt guilty that we’d be going out to eat without Master and B-man (and to our most fav-o-rite Chinese buffet place too. The one that snatches your plate out from under your nose.) But I had to just let it go. She wanted to do something nice for me, to spend some time together.. so guilt or not… I agreed and we went.

It was nice. I don’t do things like that without Master very often so it felt a little weird, but she’s a good kid and she’s good company. I like talking to her and listening to her prattle on about her friends and who’s saying what and sleeping with who and backstabbing who. She’s a good listener too, she loves to ask me questions about my teenage years and how things were back then.

After we ate, we walked around the store for a bit. She bought me a book, Brother Odd, the last (I think) of a 3 part series by Dean Koontz. We had a really pleasant evening together.

Before we left I had made sure that supper was ready for the men-folk, and we weren’t gone for very long, about 2 hours tops, yet I was still feeling guilty. I mean, my goodness, Master had to serve Himself! He had to entertain Himself! He was all alone without ME! *sob*

Truth be told, He probably enjoyed the break.

It was just weird. Or something. I’m so.. I don’t know what. Dependent? on him. He would never deny me the time spent with her anyway, but I hadn’t discussed it in fine detail with him so I wasn’t feeling like I had full permission either. It felt a little bit naughty, even though it wasn’t, and I felt sneaky, even though I wasn’t. He knew exactly where I was and with whom and why and for how long… but I was all alone! I felt very much like I’d been untethered. And I didn’t like it at all.

I just think I’m very strange.

But I didn’t let that affect my evening with Am either. She was doing something very nice for me and I didn’t let that internal angst show. She’s a good kid.

She’s giving a speech  pretty soon about homosexual’s right to marry. She’s tending to focus on the bible, because she says that’s what most people bring up when it comes to objections to gay marriage, but I don’t think  she should only focus on the bible. Yet when she asks me what the other objections are, I kind of draw a blank. So if anyone has any (more) information or links to help me help her with this, I’d appreciate that.

I guess that’s it for today. :-)

~cunt

Be the first to like.

Like

Unlike