Today, well hell, the last several days, a week maybe, I’d go vanilla I think. I’m just not feeling *anything* even remotely close to desiring kink. Nothing. Nada. Don’t want sex, don’t want pain, don’t want NUTHIN.
But I know I’ve gone through this valley before so I’m not too worried. It ebbs and flows, right? And really, if it ebbed away forever, I still wouldn’t be worried. I could do vanilla.
LIE! I couldn’t. That was a lie. I’m sorry.
I’m not even in the mood for Christmas. Now *that’s* worrisome. Maybe I need some St. John’s Wart, eh? (opinions on SJW? Good stuff or no?)
Anyway, so Am’s gotten a couple of babysitting jobs lately and yesterday she asked me if she could take me out to dinner and shopping. Just me, some mom and daughter time. So of course the first thing I feel is guilt.
I’m hardwired for guilt I think.
I felt guilty that she’d be spending her hard earned cash on me, I felt guilty that we’d be going out to eat without Master and B-man (and to our most fav-o-rite Chinese buffet place too. The one that snatches your plate out from under your nose.) But I had to just let it go. She wanted to do something nice for me, to spend some time together.. so guilt or not… I agreed and we went.
It was nice. I don’t do things like that without Master very often so it felt a little weird, but she’s a good kid and she’s good company. I like talking to her and listening to her prattle on about her friends and who’s saying what and sleeping with who and backstabbing who. She’s a good listener too, she loves to ask me questions about my teenage years and how things were back then.
After we ate, we walked around the store for a bit. She bought me a book, Brother Odd, the last (I think) of a 3 part series by Dean Koontz. We had a really pleasant evening together.
Before we left I had made sure that supper was ready for the men-folk, and we weren’t gone for very long, about 2 hours tops, yet I was still feeling guilty. I mean, my goodness, Master had to serve Himself! He had to entertain Himself! He was all alone without ME! *sob*
Truth be told, He probably enjoyed the break.
It was just weird. Or something. I’m so.. I don’t know what. Dependent? on him. He would never deny me the time spent with her anyway, but I hadn’t discussed it in fine detail with him so I wasn’t feeling like I had full permission either. It felt a little bit naughty, even though it wasn’t, and I felt sneaky, even though I wasn’t. He knew exactly where I was and with whom and why and for how long… but I was all alone! I felt very much like I’d been untethered. And I didn’t like it at all.
I just think I’m very strange.
But I didn’t let that affect my evening with Am either. She was doing something very nice for me and I didn’t let that internal angst show. She’s a good kid.
She’s giving a speech pretty soon about homosexual’s right to marry. She’s tending to focus on the bible, because she says that’s what most people bring up when it comes to objections to gay marriage, but I don’t think she should only focus on the bible. Yet when she asks me what the other objections are, I kind of draw a blank. So if anyone has any (more) information or links to help me help her with this, I’d appreciate that.
I guess that’s it for today. :-)
~cunt
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