I’ve got two different topics here, both inspired by Chloe, cuz she rocks with the inspiration.
First, she wrote this bit on Culture Shock, which you should go read.
A short synopsis for those of you who won’t listen and go read it, you obstinate boobs: A woman she knows came from Iran, born and raised to be a submissive wife and how her submissive ways do NOT rely on her husband being dominant. She just IS. It’s a state of BEING. Not an active exchange of D/s. She is submissive regardless.
Here’s where I leave Chloe’s thoughts and start my own. Because Chloe’s post was just the spark, Fetlife (of course!) added fuel to the fire.
What happens on Fet is this: Some poor person makes a comment, something to the effect of “Master did so-n-so to remind me of my place.” Or “I need my collar to remind me of my place.” Or “We use ritual and protocal to remind me of my place.”
See the common thread there? Someone actually states that they need reminded of their place sometimes.
And all holy hell breaks loose on Fetlife. The holier-than-thou Submissives move in for the kill. Like a pack of Queen Bees, they snark and shame that poor girl into silence.
THEY do not need reminded of their place.
THEY do not understand how someone can forget their place.
THEY chose, and committed to being a slave, and therefore, the angels have smiled upon them and they shit perfect rainbows of submission.
THEY do not need reminded that they are mothers, or women, or wives, so how does one ever need to be reminded that they are slaves??
They shake their heads, tsk, roll their eyes, scoff.. just, yanno, generally be big bitches.
Women are SO GOOD at being bitches. So very good. I do think that may be why I decided not to be a lesbian after all. *nods* (And that I really really like cock, but that has nothing to do with this convo.)
So, in Chloe’s post, she was talking about how it’s the cultural norm for women in Iran to be submissive to their husbands, and how cool it is to witness that sort of marital D/s without the labels and the angst and the internet forum discussions. Watching D/s in its most organic form, I admit, would be pretty damn cool.
She also said she is working on (or has achieved?) that sort of organic submission herself. Where her submissiveness is not dependent on his dominance, how it just becomes the natural state of being and ceases relying on HIM to keep her in place. She stays there because… well, because. Because it just IS.
Now, don’t get me wrong here. I think Chloe is on to something profound and neat and it is definitely a goal to strive for.
Cuz there is always a but.
D/s is not the cultural norm in our society (which Chloe readily acknowledges), therefore, to me, it seems completely reasonable that women *today* who *choose* to submit, who haven’t been born and bred to do so, DO require a consistent and constant “force” from the other side to help them maintain that place.
At the very least, needing that active dominance is not, should not be, a shameful admission.
Just as one could say that if you are going to be a submissive then just be a submissive without requiring certain acts from your dominant, then shouldn’t it also be that if one is going to be a dominant, then just be dominant regardless of your submissive’s behaviors?
I’m really trying to imagine Master ordering me around if I *weren’t* submissive and how well that would NOT work.
I understand the point of just being submissive, of not relying so heavily upon the active dances, of finding the peace that reigns when it just is what it is.
Because, that’s really nice. And, I think I’m there actually. There’s not a system in place where my submission depends *entirely* upon his actions. Somehow, because he’s really really good at what he does, he’s taken my original kink, that need to be forced into submission, and turned it around so that doing it while being ignored, has become even kinkier than being forced (beaten into it).
I’m being forced by non-force. How fucked up is THAT?
However, there IS a give and take. There has to be because I am not an altruistic servant. I do require acts of dominance, they DO remind me of my place, I DO begin to falter without them, I AM fueled by his actions, and I DO need things from him.
Fortunately, dominance is also HIS state of being. It’s not work for him to be consistent and constant with his requirements. It just IS.
Therefore, I can just BE, as well.
Without some instances and acts of dominance and submission, we’re not M/s. We’re just… an old married couple, cruising along with the cultural norm. And that is so NOT what I want in this lifetime.
Which brings me to my next topic, which isn’t one of the original two that I mentioned earlier. In fact, I probably won’t get to the original second topic.
About that force fetish. I still have it.
It’s really strong too. It’s… deep-seated. It itches. It niggles at my brain, my soul! It’s- okay okay. It’s not quite THAT melodramatic, but close!
See, what I wanted when I first began fantasizing about BDSM was to be forced to do *everything*. To have my every move, my every activity of daily living be determined by a force other than myself. That doesn’t mean somene standing over me telling me what to eat weilding a whip- well, yes, actually it did. That is what I fantasized about, in my more extreme moments.
Mostly, the fantasy centered around having dire consequences for not obeying.
And by dire, I mean, banning me from American Idol or something.
No, not really. I’d hate that actually.
Remember when I talked about that Stephen King book about the abused wife? Rose Madder? That’s what I fantasized about. Getting to a place where to NOT obey ceased being an option.
And so, yanno, Master really doesn’t roll that way. Because, he’s not an abuser. And because he doesn’t think submission should require that much work.
So, after many months of figuring that out for myself and learning to submit out of more… pure… desires, I was still left with the very real, and very much unfulfilled, force fetish.
The other day, when I said I was playing up the martyr angle? I meant that! I am playing it up. Because that’s about the only way I can scratch that itch. It’s the only way we’ve found where he gets the easy submission he wants and I get the forcing I want.
There are SO MANY things about bdsm that I hate. That I really really loathe. And I am SO TIRED of having to pretend to enjoy them. It’s like, if I don’t pretend to enjoy it, then someone thinks badly of Master, and that really kills me, yanno? He’s such a good guy.
For instance, I don’t like pain. I just like having to endure it because there is no choice NOT to. I don’t crave the pain, I crave the humiliation of being beaten like a dog, of being tied down and hurt, of being forced to accept what I hate.
I think it works that way for a lot of people. At least, a lot of who I talk to say the same thing. It’s not the specific acts that pull you in, it’s the overall allure of being forced to do that which one hates.
So, I’m just not going to worry anymore about trying to save face. Even Master’s. He’s a big boy, he can handle the scrutiny (like how I tossed him under the bus? tee hee)
I’m not going to say “Oh yes I love it” whenever the question is asked, because I don’t love it. I hate it. I just love that he makes me do it anyway.
Sometimes I think even HE wants me to say that I love it when I don’t.
Sometimes I wish he’d get a touch more “abusive” with me. I wish he were more.. comfortable.. being thought of as an abuser. But that’s.. wow.. that’s really not fair to him.
God. The pressure people put you under to ease their own minds.
This post is pretty weird, huh? Probably I should have chosen easier topics to get my groove back before going all crazy with letting my thoughts poor out.
Ah well. It is what it is, as Master would say.
Actually, this COULD be a prime example of me NEEDING one of those overt acts of dominance to remind me of my place. I told you I start to falter without them!