“Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can – there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.”

Lots of things don’t make sense at first, Tess, when only the physical senses are used.

Boom,
The Universe

I’m starting to think there just may be a higher power out there. Too often these messages are spot on. Though I guess it’s a lot like horoscopes in that one can make almost any non-specific message fit your life.

Anyway, I didn’t come here to talk about higher powers or horoscopes. I swear I have ADD.

I wanted to reply to the comments left on the last several post.

I wish, as always, that I had the time to reply to each one individually as it’s certainly deserved. I don’t, though, and so I can only hope that a mass reply will sufficiently express my gratitude for the time and effort you’ve given to me.

Ocassionally in a comment someone will ask or hint around at wondering if I’m even reading them. That’s a fair enough observation given there is no evidence to show that I am. All I can do is assure anyone who may be wondering the same thing that I do. I read every word with as much interest and thoughtfulness as you all give my words.

The last couple of posts have brought forth some of the most heartfelt, supportive, constructive, helpful comments of my blogging experience. And it’s those that I want to address.

Some of you have been so astute that I’ve searched the house for hidden cameras. Here I sometimes think I’m being obtuse and yet, apparently, you’re more intuitive than I thought. Because you were able to “guess” so correctly and relate your own experiences, thoughts and advice, I was better able to apply some of it to my own situation. Thank you for sharing so openly that which I’m struggling to share myself.

Some of you made me smile, so readily you showed support that it can do nothing but warm my heart. Some of you made me cry, baring your own soul in an effort to soothe mine. Some of you made me laugh out loud (I lol’ed), something I sorely needed to do now and then.

But all of you made me think. You made me examine and dig down deep and question myself. You made me stop and ask myself what am I doing and why? What do I think to gain and what do I stand to lose? What does my heart say?

Swan, Zille, morningstar, Dave, june – so many others, far too many to name – thank you. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I know I haven’t laid out the details. As often as I air my dirty laundry here, some things I also hold close for reasons that make sense probably only to me.

But to answer one question; no, oh weird one, I did not take advantage of being “unowned” to shave my sas-crotch. I came close. I hovered. I even got close enough once that I lathered up with shaving cream. I also contemplated cutting my hair down to the scalp, and buying a pack of cigarettes to smoke. I had urges to flaunt my so-called freedom. But I was able to recognize the vindictive spirit in which it would have been done.

I did none of those things, or any other blatantly disrespectful, disobedient act, because I couldn’t help but believe that any of those things would have been ever so much more *final* than the act of handing back my collar. Isn’t that strange? I guess I don’t put as much importance on a collar as I do on my actions. Occasionally, I take my wedding ring off, too, yet I feel no less married and don’t behave in a manner that portrays me as single. Likewise, even without the collar I behaved as I always have. Other than an emotional distance, and a sexual impasse, I’ve continued to serve and obey, and, just as I said would happen, he slid right back into issuing orders that I just get up and do, pretty much without notice until after I’ve done it.

Though I don’t want to downplay the significance, or the ramifications of having taken my collar off either. It certainly wasn’t as innoncent as removing my wedding ring to lotion my hands. I do not have it back and I won’t take it back until I’m positive that this little mutinous moment of mine is not only ended, but dead and buried and not likely to reappear (for a while anyway). I don’t take my submission lightly, stopping and starting it as casually as walking away from a movie that I thought I would like but that bored me to tears (Wall-E anyone?), and I do try to commit myself to the long haul.

I also don’t think he will give it back until it’s time. What that “time” is, how it’s proven or shown or earned or whatever, I have no idea. Maybe it’s something he has to feel, maybe it’s something I have to feel, or something he has to see in me or.. fuck, I don’t know. I guess we’ll know when it’s right and that is not right now.

He said yesterday, or the day before, that he might just weld one on. It’s given me pause, I have to admit. On the rare occasion that I’ve removed my collar it’s been for one single purpose and one purpose only. It’s an extreme way for me to express my extreme reluctance to submit. I cannot quite bring myself to NOT submit, I can’t stop obeying or stop serving or stop being. All I can do is unhook that simple chain and give it to him.

If I didn’t have that option anymore? Would I just find another way to express it or would I stop expressing it? And should I.

~me

“Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

I’m a little speechless. Well, I’m a whole lot speechless.

When you’re lying in the dark in your bedroom, depressed and feeling sorry for yourself, and you watch with horror as the world just keeps right on spinning no matter how hard it’s coming to a screeching halt in your own head, you feel very alone. Very forgotten, very scared and very convinced that nobody will notice or care if you just wink out of existence.

Not life-existence, I’m not suicidal or anything. But, meh, you know what I mean, right?

These comments have made me cry. Never in my life have I needed to hear that someone, anyone, anywhere, cares.

So, as long as I can continue to pay the hosting charge here, I’ll write sometimes. I think – no, I know – that right now, I need all of you.

Thank you. For lifting me up.