The Learning Curve

(Another Fetlife rant brought to you by the letters U, R, and D-U-M-B)

I maintain that the only (and best) teacher for me when it comes to matters of slavery and service is Master.

Everyone else is great for sharing and comparing, for conversation, forging friendships (or enemies, as the case may be).

When it comes to knowing what he wants and how he wants it done, who *else* could teach me that??

So, I mentioned that I get irritated by people, especially slaves who are less than 3 weeks into their M/s relationship, who want to *teach* me stuff about *their* slavery.

Not tell me about it. Not share stories. But *teach* And some little snot-nosed brat replies that that’s “sad that I think one person knows everything and that no one can teach me anything”.

I am not their slave so pleasing them isn’t at the top of my list. Knowing how to please their Master is not even ON my list. So where do they figure they can *teach* me anything?

I may or may not be interesed in what they do, but as a learning tool? I don’t fucking think so.

Now if Master had said to me “cunt, you need to learn how she does that.” – that’s a whole different ballgame! I’d be begging her to teach me, whether she’d been doing it for 5 minutes or 20 years.

I can’t imagine the ego behind “I have things to teach you” type statements. Just blows me away.

I could spend all day learning what someone else has to teach, but if it’s not something that Master has an interest in, *how* have I served him that day?

This should not irritate me as much as it does. Gah. I’m such a bitch.

~cunt

Puzzled

Random Fetlife Quote: “All i can say is why do people treat their partners in ways they would never, god pray, treat their children!”

Bonus points for pointing out what is wrong with that statement.

(it’s 6F, feels like -9F, and I have to go snowblow the leftovers of yesterday’s “blizzard”. Pity me!! Call me a waahmbulance! I want cheese with my whine!)

(Boo.)

Fetlife – how I love thee.

I’ve spent way too much time on FL yesterday and this morning. Sometimes, it’s just too humorous to walk away from.

The latest buzzwords are abuse and red flag.

Your dom put you on a diet? Abuser!! He doesn’t like you as you are!

Your dom said you had to leave Fetlife? Red Flag!! He’s isolating you!

Someone slapped someone at a play party? Abuse! Call the cops!

If you haven’t joined yet, you simply must. You’re missing stimulating conversations like:

How do you distinguish a lie verses the truth?

Help I don’t know what I am???

You’re missing out on being able to reassure someone that burning the spaghetti sauce is really not a freak-out emergency and that clicking the wrong drop down menu shouldn’t be grounds for release.

Last but not least – if you don’t come to Fetlife, you cannot join the Fart Lovers group.

That right there should be enough to recruit *everybody*.

Seriously. I love the place. It is WAY fun.

Today.

Early Initiation

Posted with permission, snippets of a Fetlife member’s copied chat log.

Note: the “me” in the chat log is NOT me…lol. It’s her(JustTen on FL), but I am too lazy to go changing words and shit.

Personally, I thought this was a fascinating conversation.

Him: If you’re on my list there should be for two reasons:
Him: 1) you’re serious looking for a Dom
Him: 2) you have a history of abuse in your past
Him: Which one is it..?
Me: both in a way
Him: Good…
Me: why is that good?
Him: I like when a sub has a history of abuse..
Me: why is that?
Him: it turns her into a better servant..especially of she grew up to crave the sensations ( not the emotions) what was done to her before.
Me: interesting
Him: and truthful..
Me: i’d like you to elaborate. Prefering abused subs makes you seem a predator on broken women. Those who haven’t healed.
Him: a predator..or perhaps makes me a Dom who understands a woman who embraces the fact she has a need/urge to empower herself through something she now finds essential.

Him: replace the word abuse by “early initiation”and it changes the context completely.
Me: abuse is NOT early initiation.

Him: nonethless.. it change your mental/sexual roadmap completely.
Me: my roadmap was changed even before the abuse

Him: love and affection can only be shown nowadays through very distinct mechanisms

Him: love and affection then can only be shown through the dynamics of guidance, discipline and punishment. Wouldn’t that be true..?
Me: no, love and affection can be shown through many ways

Him: Which one of them is still inside your head when you lay at night and crave submission..?

JustTen posted and simply asked for our take on it. Agree, disagree, whatever.

The overwhelming majority of the replies to this were negative. This guy has been labelled a creep, a predator, dangerous, a perp, asshole, bastard, pathetic fuck – well, it’s an endless litany of insults really.

Naturally I don’t see it as they did. I rarely do. In the thread I said:

He’s not the one abusing these poor little girls. He’s not doing the “initiating”. He’s taking something that already happened and using it. I don’t see that as the horror it’s being portrayed as here.

Lots of people are abused. I was, too. It happens. Nobody can continue your (not you specifically, you generally) victim status except your own self.

At least this guy here is honest. He sees that there is a phenomena that happens with abuse “victims”, something within that appeals to him, or makes them “easier” to dom. (If anything, he just admitted he’s lazy.)

Big deal. I am sure that I exhibit behaviors leftover specifically from being abused that my Master uses to his advantage. Why shouldn’t he? He can’t change what happened, he can’t “fix” me, I am who and what I am and he loves me for it. He uses it. I’d be more pissed off if he treated me like a china doll (and, in my mind, perpetuated more abuse by doing so) because I was “damaged goods”. That he uses me, and my various leftover reactions, to his advantage proves to me that he doesn’t think I’m damaged.

If that guy were to have said he wanted to “fix” you, he’d be applauded. White Knight Syndrome. Whatever. But since his angle isn’t so altruistic, he’s suddenly dangerous? Come on. That seems a tad overreactive to me.

Not everybody is seeking the same thing from a bdsm relationship. Not everyone views it in such a romantic, “he always has my best interests in mind and he’s gonna fix me up all better!” sort of heart-shaped bubble way.

Personally, I rather like his take on it in some ways. I was abused right? Can’t go back in time and change a single second of it. Would I have been a kinky-fuck anyway? Probably. I think so.

So, if I believe I would have been kinky anyway, and this abuse happened, why not try to find the advantages of it rather than continuously lamenting over the shoulda /coulda/ woulda’s. Rather than remaining in poor-me territory.

This right here: “she grew up to crave the sensations ( not the emotions) what was done to her before.” and this: “makes me a Dom who understands a woman who embraces the fact she has a need/urge to empower herself through something she now finds essential.”

He isn’t saying that HE’S taking advantage of it – he’s saying that SHE is. That she SHOULD. It’s there, it happened, embrace it and make it healthy (as healthy as kink can be anyway). Use it instead of fighting it.

The sort of stuff I experienced when I was being abused are exactly the things I crave now, exactly what I find essential to my happiness and well-being. I am embracing, accepting, and seeking those things out. Not those same emotions though – which he identifies as being a no-no, I might add.

I may very well have been initiated early to accept and eroticize pain. To see love in discipline. If that has made Master’s life easier, then great. I’d rather my past make his life easier than harder.

~~*~~

There were a few people who shared my opinion, most did not.

Maybe I have an extremely detached view of having been abused, but I just don’t see the point in always looking back on it with anger and sadness and carrying that around and letting it affect my future. Yeah, it sucked but it happened. Nothing will ever change what happened so why not use it as much as one can to an advantage?

I just don’t *get* the idea that to do so is “repeating the trauma”.

So I asked the girl if I could copy and paste it here because I have brilliant readers. What do you think?

Is the term “early initiation” really as offensive as people said it was?

Do you think he’s “preying” on weak, broken women?

I really was shocked at the venom in the negative replies when I was sitting there thinking, hey! yeah! I get that.

LOL. I’m always out in left field somewhere I guess.

But discuss it with me, if you want. I’m interested!

Oh Snap!

Quote:

Oh we do not use the term TPE. ~hoity sniff~.

We use ‘ultimate authority transfer’.

/quote

Yeah, well, Genital Human Waste Wiping Tissue is still plain old toilet paper. It ain’t any prettier just cuz you gussied up the name.

Why do people do this? There’s a name for it, I betcha. This… obsession with trying to make yourself a “more specialer snowflake” by slapping a new label on it.

It’s not reinventing the wheel. It’s… shoot. What is it?

Oh! I got it.

It’s DUMB.

Yes. That’s it.

I am not a slave.

I am ApersonOwnedByAnotherForWhomHeorSheChoosestoServeWithoutFreedomPayorRights.

Someday, I hope the term ApersonOwnedByAnotherForWhomHeorSheChoosestoServeWithoutFreedomPayorRights replaces the word slave.

It’s more betterer.

*nods*

To exclude or not to exclude, that is the question.

I’ve been watching Fetlife’s groups splinter.

I’ve spent WAY too much time at Fetlife in Master’s absence. It occupies my time, though the jury is out on whether it occupies it in a good way or a bad way. Doesn’t matter, really. I know it’s temporary. Once Master is home my time there will dwindle significantly.

I’m aware that the site will continue to flourish even without my input.  

There are, at last check, 2,323 different groups on Fetlife. 2,323. Granted probably half of those groups are bogus; the group creation function is open to anyone for anything. But still, even if it’s half, that’s some one thousand ways that people try to isolate their kink. Not all of them in the spirit of “one true wayism”, though some of them are that, for sure. More in the manner of trying to relate to a specific group of people.

It’s interesting to me to watch it being narrowed down.

The Submissive Women’s group was too convoluted and from there spawned the Master/slave group in an attempt to narrow down the participants. It soon became apparent that the M/s group didn’t specify well enough either so along came the Real-Time group. But Real-Time didn’t exclude people who don’t live together and so the 24/7 Live-In group was born.

What I see happening is groups sitting dead in the water. The groups that are thriving are the ones that include everyone because everyone is clamoring. The opinions differ, the viewpoints vary, an approach is different. A new thread is started because someone wasn’t there last week to know that we already covered that topic and it’s buried 20 pages in so we discuss it all over again. It’s a continuous cycle of conversation based almost entirely on the groups inclusion of different kinks.

Sure there are arguments and disagreements. People become passionate about defending this apparent attack to their kink. On the rare occasion someone even learns something or has their mind opened a tiny bit.

But what can be accomplished in the elite groups? What, once it’s finally narrowed down to Only Purple Cunt-lipped Jabberwockies (thank you Sinn, for the wording), will be learned? What growth can there be? Advice, sure, from the more experienced purple cunt-lipped jabberwockies on how to deal with problems specific to purple cunt-lipped jabberwockies.

But it all seems so stagnant.

It’s not that I don’t understand the desire to communicate with “my own kind”. As a slave, but not *just* a slave, a very specific sort of slave, I do sometimes want the ear and advice of other slaves who get me. Slaves who, when I ask a question, spare me the rigamarol of first debating what “slave” means and then debating what “TPE” means and then debating what “power” means and then.. well you see what I mean.

So, I’m on board with it, honest. But I get bored with it very quickly.

Maybe I just thrive on turmoil.

Probably I thrive on turmoil.

I sure seem to find it without trying.

I need a feckin’ hobby.

Subject Change-

Would it be considered topping from the bottom to buy Master a certain book for Christmas because it just might contain information that will spur Him into domming me the way that *I* want to be dommed rather than the way HE wants to do it? Maybe? Perhaps? A little bit?

*sigh* Probably He wouldn’t read it anyway. He’s stubbornly set in His ways, the stodgy old fart.

~~*~~

I woke up this morning thinking about Romper Room. More specifically, about Romper Room’s magic mirror. She never saw me in her magic mirror. I don’t have a popular name, or else I missed that episode, but either way, she never ever saw me no matter how good of a Do-Bee I was (I was never a Don’t-Bee!). And here I am, 37 – almost 38 - years old  and I had a sad this morning remembering that I never appeared in Romper Room’s magic mirror when I was 4. 

It must be true that you spend your whole adult life recovering from your childhood.