People tend to be intimidated by doctors, afraid of them perhaps. I am not. I used to be, like a lot of other people, I was afraid to object to their findings, kept my complaints to a minimum. Treated their words like gospel. But then I had an unpleasant experience with a doctor that changed all of that.

It involved my son, many years ago, when he was about 2 to 3 years old. He’d fallen outside one day, and for a day or so after was limping and complaining that his leg hurt. So, being the dutiful mommy, I made an appt. with our pediatrician. Unfortunately, our regular doc was on vacation (isn’t that always the case?) and we were set up with a partner in the office.

It was clear almost from the moment that I walked into the room that this doctor wasn’t going to give me the time of day. He did a very cursory examination of my son’s leg and completely dismissed me and him. I did attempt to object, asking if perhaps an x-ray might be in order, or something a little more in depth than a finger poke to my son’s thigh. The doctor became highly offended, accused me of being an “over-protective and hysterical” mother and then said those infamous sarcastic words “I’m just the DOCTOR. What do I know?” I admit that I was cowed, embarrassed, I hushed and left. He intimidated me.

Over the course of the next week, maybe two weeks, not only did my son continue to complain about his leg, I continued to let the doctor’s words affect me so much that I actively tried to ignore my son’s pain. It wasn’t as if he’d stopped walking, he still played and ran and jumped. He wasn’t in tears or anything. It was just an occasional noticeable limp and the occasional “mommy, my weg huhts!”

Until finally, I made an appt. with my old family doctor. The doctor who treated ME as child, one who wasn’t going to dismiss me as a hysterical parent because he knew me. He listened to me, he assessed my son’s leg, and then he took an x-ray, where he discovered an already almost-healed hairline fracture in my son’s shin. He explained it was too late now for a cast, that it appeared to be healing just fine as it was, and advised me to not ever again allow a doctor to treat me with such casual disregard.

“We’re not Gods.” He said.

My approach to doctors now is entirely different. One thing I keep in mind is that when I’m meeting a doctor for the first time, it is essentially an interview. I am *hiring* this doctor to work for me. Not the other way around. I’m going to be paying this person to perform a service for me. So it’s imperative that I am 100% comfortable with how that service is provided. And if I’m not?

You’re fired!

Ever flipped through the yellow pages of the phone book? Page after page of physicians all trying to advertise for your business. For the price they charge, the very least you can expect is to have a doctor/patient relationship that isn’t chock-full of angst and embarrassment.

So what about that s&m? Simple. Be honest. Be upfront. Doctors are not ignorant of s&m. It is not the taboo topic it may have once been. While I don’t know if they have a chapter in med school about sadomasochism, I can tell you that most doctors know exactly what it is.

I think that the most important thing you can do when meeting a doctor who is about to confronted with the evidence of your lifestyle is to present it to them with as much confidence and security as you can muster. If you act ashamed of your markings, or ashamed of your appearance, THAT’S what they will pick up on. And shame leads to suspicion; suspicion of abuse. If your answers about where marks came from or why you have them run along the lines of mumbling “I dunno” or “I fell down the stairs”, if you can’t look them in the eye, if you are stammering and blushing… those behaviors become more telling to the doctor than any bruise or scar that you carry.

Just be honest. Be upfront. Tell them about s&m, tell them that you and your partner engage in “rough sex”, that they may or may not see evidence of such on your body. Present it as something that is not shameful, very matter-of-fact, and I can almost gaurantee that your doctor has probably not only already seen and heard it before, but will welcome the chance to ask YOU questions about it, or, completely dismiss it as something to be concerned about.

Now, having said all of that, I have a doctor’s appt. coming up that I am probably going to cancel…lol. Eat my words much? Maybe. But here’s why.

First, it’s a new doctor. I wanted to move to a new and closer-to-home clinic. While I advocate being open and honest with your physician, I don’t think one needs to be shocking, in-your-face about it. If this wasn’t my first visit, and if I’d already had the “So, Doc, tell me, do you know what sadomasochism is?” conversation, I would be less concerned about this appt. But I’m really quite bruised, shockingly so, on all of my female parts that this yearly female exam will require examining.

The scars on my breasts, and what it spells, is enough shock for a first time visit I think. No need to compound that with the myriad of bruises in it’s current rainbow of colors. If I absolutely HAD to go to the doctor and if this wasn’t an appt. that could easily be reschedule to a later time when I could more comfortably ease her, and myself, into this new business arrangement, then I would go and I would conduct myself with the utmost confidence in who I am and what I do. But it can be rescheduled and I can ease into it under better circumstances, so I will probably do so.

And when I do go, if she shows any sign of being bothered by the scars on my breasts, bothered to the point that she can’t treat me with as much respect as she’d treat any other patient, then I never have to go back. It’s really just that simple. But if for some reason you are locked into your current doctor, either by insurance or lack of other docs in the area, remember that they are not Gods. If it’s necessary for you to become the educator, then step up and do it, for the sake of your own health and personal comfort. You may not covert them to a kink-friendly physician, but you might ease the road for the next bruised masochist who needs to see them.

There is no shame in what it is that we do. Not anymore.

There is more information on Kink Aware Professionals here.

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