Strong Man
“I want a man who is strong enough to take me,” she sighed dreamily. “Confident enough to own me and possess me. Who won’t be guided by society but by His own will!” She turned to look at him. “I want a man who will do exactly what he wants.”
He nodded and smiled and promised her exactly that. And she nodded and smiled and accepted his word. Visions of a life spent naked and chained.. of worship and adoration.. of service and need.. of training and learning.. of discipline and punishment.. of sex and love and joy and freedom found in bondage colored her eyes.. and she wept in pure happiness to have found such a man as this. A man strong enough and confident enough to do exactly as he wanted.
He was a good man. A kind man. A deep and dark and mysterious man. And she, a loyal and faithful girl. And every time she hinted at those days past, when he had so confidently promised to do exactly what he wanted, he would nod and smile and pat her on the butt. And she would smile back, only slightly puzzled, and convince herself that tomorrow would be the day. Tomorrow he woud do exactly what he wanted and she’d become a real slave.
She spent time in a cage but he took her out and bid her to serve him and she did, thinking to herself that a strong confident man would leave her there. A man who did what he wanted would have a caged slave by now.
He made passionate love to her, and as she wept in orgasmic bliss in his arms, she thought to herself that a strong confident man would have thrown her down and taken her. A man who did what he wanted would have made her a sex slave by now.
He patted her on the rump and bid her to fix his meals and she did, thinking to herself that a strong confident man would have made her serve him naked. A man who did what he wanted would have her on her knees by now.
He dressed her in fine clothes and took her to fine restaurants and she’d follow behind him, eyes cast over her shoulder to the slave cage in the corner.. thinking to herself that a strong confident man would have locked her in there already. A man who did what he wanted would have enslaved her by now.
He took her over his knee and paddled her behind when she made mistakes and she’d whimper as she thought to herself that a strong confident man would have trained her. A man who did what he wanted wouldn’t need to punish her by now.
He asked her to do small favors for him and she did, thinking to herself that a strong confident man would have ordered her to do these tasks. A man who did what he wanted wouldn’t need to be polite by now.
And time marched on as it tends to do and she waited and waited for him to start doing exactly what he wanted. Days spent cleaning his house, evenings spent at his side, nights spent in his bed and all the while she played the movies of before.. the visions of a life spent naked and chained.. of worship and adoration.. of service and need.. of training and learning.. of discipline and punishment.. of sex and love and joy and freedom found in bondage.
And she turned to him one day and whispered..” what are you doing with me Master?” While fear and confusion and need played in her eyes and on her heart and he smiled into them.. and traced his finger along her cheek and replied;
“I’m doing exactly what I want.”
~~*~~
I wrote that over two years ago, when I’d come to accept, finally, that my life as a slave wasn’t ever going to mirror those early fantasies. I’d made the mistake, as so many often do, of taking those snippets that I read and those 2 minute video clips that I’d seen, and believing that to be how it works 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Accepting my limitations as a mother and as a flawed human, accepting his limitations as a man – wasn’t as easy or as obvious as one would expect. But even harder than that was accepting that what he wanted, what he would have from me, wasn’t the stuff porn sites are made of. He does not want an object with no brain, a silent fuckdoll, or robotic obedience all the time. He wants a partner, a wife, a family. He wants interaction and love and affection. The silent, objectified fuckdoll is the dessert. The partnership is the meal. And he isn’t always in the mood for dessert.
Harder, still, was admitting to myself that neither am I.
I tried, for a long time, to convince him that he wanted dessert every day, every meal, double portions. He remained firm though. Sometimes frustrated, sometimes angry, sometimes patient and understanding, but never did he do more than have dessert when he damn well felt like having dessert. There were occasions when dessert was heartily eaten, times when it was nibbled, times when it was no more than a finger-lick. But always, no matter how much I bounced around him with that tempting plate – He was a strong man.
Adding, too, to my own inordinately high ideals on what my slave life should be, was the pressure I felt from blogging. Brought on fully by myself, I might add.
One person hates the pictures, one wants more. One thinks I should post nothing but the bdsm stuff, another says no no no, I want to hear about your kids and your pets. Love the recipes, hate the recipes; it’s all porn, it’s not enough porn; from ‘too extreme to stomach’ to ‘we do that everyday, what’s makes you think you’re so special?’, It’s the everyday stuff that makes you *real*! No, it’s the scenes that make you *real*. You’re not real at all because you do a, b, and c! You’re not real at all because you don’t do a, b, and c!
It was tough accepting that there might be weeks on end where I’d have nothing of interest to post, no scenes to report, no clips to show. Not having that stuff had become, to me, public evidence that we were slipping, not living up to the ideal I’d manufactured in my head based on blogs and comments of what M/s is supposed to be. Weeks of no pain? Months, sometimes, of nothing? It was a strange paradox. I would feel like a failure here, in my small public venue, yet at home, I knew I wasn’t. I knew it was going his way and that he’d do “it” when and if he wanted.
So it was a long, hard lesson. Tough getting to a place where I can just follow his direction, regardless of how far off from my fantasy it is or of how it will be received here. There are times when it does match my fantasies, like having my boobs nailed to boards and spending hours contemplating life in a dark, cramped cupboard. Being that silent fuckdoll, offering my body up for whatever painful, or non-painful, activity he has in mind.
But there are more times when it is as simple as putting in new bootlaces because his are frayed, adjusting a recipe because he likes more garlic, giving a backrub when I’m so tired my eyes won’t even open. Or just being quiet, being a friend, a lover, a wife. Because that’s what he wants.
He got what he wanted, he does what he wants, and I’m happy with that. The trick was in making those shoelaces be as significant as sitting down for the hammer and nails. Because you know what? The feedback from him was the same for both.
It’s not the details of what I do, it’s the spirit in which I do it. What a fucking revelation that is. I’d accepted, but I hadn’t found exhilaration in that acceptance. Now I have.
(I kinda lost wherever I was going with this. Master’s had to work all weekend and that leaves me with far too much time alone to think of dumb stuff.)
I guess I’m just happy. Happy because Master is happy. We’re in a good place right now. I keep being told how I should be ashamed of this or that – the list of supposedly shameful things is endless – but.. jeez.. I’m just not ashamed. Of any of it.
Everybody has standards to live up to, expectations to meet. What your’s are is based entirely on your own experiences, the people in your life. I’m meeting Master’s and that’s all that matters. What’s shameful are those who open up their standards like some public service umbrella and try to force others under it. What is that all about? Is it a God complex? Megalomania?
It does kind of feel like I’ve stepped out from under an umbrella and into the sunlight. Things are clear and crisp and easy.
Of course that could be that I’m still riding the tail end of the endorphin rush from the other night. Though we didn’t do anything edgy or really painful or anything like that, what we did do was fucking hot and the sex was out of this world. So maybe, a few days or weeks from now, I’ll have cycled back into dreary life-sucks territory. But for now I’m leaving Pessy McPessimist Pants behind and enjoying the sun.
I hope you do, too. :-)
~cunt
LikeTags: general, happy, M/s rambles, strong man
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Sunday April 13th, 2008 9:38am
Kaya,
You are so blessed, so lucky. I read your post, and despite the “sometimes” drudgery and disappointment of the lackluster parts of your life, your post actually illustrated what a treasure you have in your master and in your lifestyle (ALL of your lifestyle, not just the excitin parts)
I’m single, have been single for a long time, and I have no one to snuggle me at night, no one I can beg to spank me, no one to wonder where I am if my car breaks down and I don’t make it back from the grocery store, no one to cook or clean for…
I live a magnificent, independent, liberated life and I do realize what a blessing that can be… but I am lonely, and you are lucky, and “You GO, girl!”
“It’s not the details of what I do, it’s the spirit in which I do it. What a fucking revelation that is. I’d accepted, but I hadn’t found exhilaration in that acceptance. Now I have.”
that is simply beautiful. and yes, that is a wonderful, exciting revelation, but one that only can be learned. i feel like i have more to say on that, but i may have to throw that into a post or something.
you brought tears to my eyes with this post. those i’m so happy for you tears along with a little of, i want a relationship like the two of you have someday. you are so amazing, you both are.
you are in a wonderful place and i heart you. :)
hugs,
lee ann
This is a really moving post. Thank you.
Holy COW. You are a brilliant writer. And just like it’s not what you write about, it’s how you write it… I hope you find your own exhilaration in your words.
Have you ever thought of being an author? I’m not kidding. You write beautifully. That used to be a dream of mine. To one day be published. But your talent for such surpasses mine, I have to say.
I’m glad you have reached that point where nothing matters but what you and your Master think/feel. It took me quite some time to reach that place as well. But it is a freeing feeling, once you do. *big hugs*
Thank you.
Such a timely post, as I was just sitting here thinking at him “why don’t you…??”
I’m book marking this. Hell I’d hang it on the fridge if I could.
:-)
Thank you for writing about real life. There’s so much crap in the bdsm world about what’s a “true, real” sub. But reality isn’t one big long porn film. The day to day stuff is part of submission as well.
love you!
yeah – when you’re able to eroticize the details of every day life, it’s when you find the satisfaction in *living* every day life. maybe it’s different for those of us who live this way, that finding something spiritual and/or sexual in all the details is what matters.
pretty cool stuff.
I loved your story and I also thought living the lifestyle 24/7 would be like all those stories I had read. HA! *smiles* I loved the comparisons of the blog comments and it’s all so true – you truly can’t please all of the people all of the time.
Your story touched me completely. Time and time again I have thought to myself that Penguin should be doing exactly what he wants (see what I want) but it doesn’t work that way. I don’t feel the flick of the whip or experience the writhing, screaming cravings of my inner masochist. What I do get is exactly what he wants to give. And this post just gave me one more reason why it is so worth it to accept that gift from him.
Thank you for writing it so awesomely.
*hugs*
penguinskitty
great post!
Very beautiful post. Everyone deserves to enjoy the sun.
Kaya,
AMEN! Again, I say, AMEN! I don’t think it’s possible to have said it any better. You two are happy right now because He has what he wants, and in turn, you have what you’ve wanted, for Him to have whatever he wants. It makes perfect sense and I am so happy for the two of you.
A line from one of my recent stories is “there are as many ways to practice BDSM or D/s or M/s as there are people who practice it.” You and He have found “your” way to practice it. I feel blessed that you two are willing to share so much of it with all of us. Keep on keeping on.
Dave
Wonderfully eloquent, Kaya. I hope you are able to stay in this frame of mind, and “Pessy McPessimist Pants” is never heard from again. ^_^
You should not be ashamed of how you feel, or who you are. Personally, I enjoy reading everything. I love it that you show the life outside the “dessert” because I can identify.
*hugs*
Lovely post, and so simple in it’s message really.
You are a unique, insightful woman, who can voice what so many of us think.
You are the woman … slave, wife & Mother that He wants you to be and that’s all that counts. *smiles*
Knkypet
I’m happy you’re happy. :-)
And I’m not sure where this fits in with the happiness, but be glad that you’re still out, mobile, free, unfettered except by love to your Master. The cunt in a cage sounds great until a fire starts:
http://www.nwherald.com/articles/2008/04/09/news/local/doc47fd5be07967e629608452.txt
And OK, he’s not a cunt in a cage, he’s more of a… uh, cock with a lock, but that’s the meaning I’m taking from this article. Yikes.
Wow babe, this was really a good read, and well needed.
I’m gunna bookmark it too.
I’m really happy for y’all, you need some sunlight after that long Wisconsin winter!
*HUGS!!!*
Danielle
What a beautiful post, it brought a tear to my eye. I’m happy for you that you’ve found the sunshine :)
Thrilled to see happy people in the world. D/s can be so cruel sometimes that its a pleasure to walk into your world even if just for a time and read that its not all roses, but you make it work and are most happy because of it…
Now I just want mine! lol
Thank you all so much! I’m flattered that you liked it. :-)
I am glad you have found the contentment you wrote about. You deserve it:) I hope it stays with both of you for a long, long time.
Thanks for the post! I really loved it. =)
I really liked that story. I’m so busy trying to be the “Perfect Slave” that I loose sight of what His “perfect slave” is. Master and I have 3 young kids and I homeschool them as well as work a job but yet I feel I let him down if I can’t be his Play toy all the time. I may want to do my chores in chians nakid but it just is not practically with young kids. Nor would I want to be like that around them. I try to be strong in my daily life and yet be able to give in to him when he returns home.
It is a delicate balance.
ginna Beloved pet to Penguin
That’s really beautiful.
Lovely!i often have similar thoughts swarm my head and suddenly the realization hits me like a slap in the face (i could only be so lucky for it to really be a slap in the face heh) that Master Homis is doing exactly what He wants. His way, which is what He deems necessary and will not always match up to the thoughts in my head. Maybe i am just more sadistic then Him to think up all these horrid thoughts of implementing painful pleasure. Yes i believe that is why He is rightfully Master as He has so much more control and patience than i. Thanks for the thought provocing post!
~vie
Ooh, I wanted to tell you that I shared the story part (in italics) with my Penguin and he liked it.
We had a good conversation about how it affected me and how the ideas of what we want aren’t always the same.
*hugs*
Great post. Too bad I never see posts like this from the flip side. I seem to be the only Dom out there who has struggled with figuring out what I want rather then doing what I think my girlfriend wants. I guess it is out of fear. Other Doms out there don’t want to admit the inner reality that goes on for them.
Keep up the great blog.
This is one of the best posts I have read anywhere. Refreshingly honest.