Leading? Or being led?
(I’m really blah without Master here and I can’t think of anything to post about. But I’m probably already in hot water by not posting yesterday, no way am I pushing for two days in a row. So I’m going to steal an idea from a message board I’ve been contributing to the last couple of days.)
It’s about exaggeration.
There are times when I “play up” the difficulty of a task or a chore, or sob more than is warranted during a pain session. Which isn’t to say that I cry because I have to do dishes or sob hysterically when he swats me on the ass. I at least keep it somewhat appropriate to the current activity.
But I know, deep down inside, that it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be. I know I’m overreacting. (not always, though. Sometimes he really is a mean old bastard and my hysterics are entirely warranted!)
I’m beginning to think that it started out (and maybe still is, to some extent) as a bit of self-preservation. I’ve learned what it is that Master wants from me when he’s pushing me. One of those things is that he likes to watch me struggle through a hated task or chore, he likes to watch me fight it, grit my way through the pain, and have to do it anyway. To keep my mouth open while he pisses in it, to hold a position even though it hurts like hell, to keep my legs spread while he tears into me, to get up and fetch stuff .. well, the list goes on.
Point is, he’s not after graceful acceptance during those times. It bores him. And I know – I KNOW – that if I do reach some happy place, some graceful state of acceptance, he’s only going to make it worse. He’ll hit harder, he’ll ask for more, he’ll add extra tasks, he’ll keep the bra on longer, make me wear the scrunchy more often, he’ll just.. be meaner.
Until he gets the sobbing, screaming slavegirl he’s after.
So what am I doing here? Am I just being so wonderfully pleasing that I’m rushing to give him what he wants with minimal effort? (*snicker* anyone fall for that line?)
Is it dishonesty? It’s not like I’m “acting” and winning an Academy Award here. I’m just.. exaggerating perhaps. But why? Fear? Afraid of how bad it really could get? Trying to steer? Am I doing it when I’m just not in the mood for extreme so I pretend I’m already at extreme so he doesn’t take me there?
There are definitely times when my reaction makes zero difference one way or the other, though. So maybe this most recent introspective epiphany about myself is old news to him and he’s going to pat me on the head in that “oh you are just too cute” patronizing way of his and tell me he does what he wants and if him easing up happens to coincide with my exaggerated scream, it was mere coincidence and to stop giving myself so much credit by thinking I’m outwitting him.
Yeah. I like that answer best. I pick that one.
*nod*
Crisis averted.
~cunt
Almost forgot the smut picture!
LikeTags: M/s rambles
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Thursday May 1st, 2008 10:42am
It’s an interesting question and sometimes I do the same thing. I think, in my case at least, it’s in anticipation of the real pain to come and I’m building myself up to take it by wailing at the stuff that doesn’t hurt as bad as I’m sounding like it does. I hope that made sense.lol
WOW, that’s a hot image, kaya! That one is going to stay with me a long time! (Both figuratively, and literally, because I downloaded it to my computer!) The hard leather of the boot pressing up into your softest flesh…!
And I love how your bottom is framed perfectly by the skirt!
I also am guilty of hysterics, sometimes. If he doesn’t give me recovery time in between strokes (that is, enough time to ride the crest of the last wave of pain) then I will tend to start sobbing and otherwise making a lot more noise.
I like to think that at that point I can’t help it. I’m overwhelmed with pain I can’t process, so how can I be in control of my blubbering?
I used to think that when we got to that point, we were bumping up against my limits.
But now, three years into being fully a masochist, I’ve come to realize that just because I’m crying like a baby doesn’t mean I want him to stop. I might be overwhelmed with pain, and scared in that very primal way that you get when something starts hurting hurting hurting make it stop now! but just because my lizzard-brain is freaking out doesn’t mean the rest of me wants to stop.
I don’t think I’ve been really able to tell him that. I can still feel quite shy about my masochistic needs, and it’s hard for me to tell him what I’d like to try, because I still don’t really understand it very well.
But I would like for him to take me to the completely out-of-control place, and then keep hurting me. This is going to have to involve bondage, as I can’t, at that point, hold still and take the strokes properly! It’s probably also going to require a very efficent gag, because we do have neighbors in this apt. building! (Who are, overall, very generous about the funny noises that come from our apt., and who still smile at us in the hallway and make small talk when we all end up in the elevator together, and never bring up the fact that they hear “Please put it in me, Daddy!” or “Yes, Master, I’m your slave!” or other less coherent screaming coming from our apt. at random hours!)
In my fantasies (always a dangerous place, as you know from when your Master listens in to your fantasies while you get off!) he’ll put the cock gag in, and then put a hood over my head, so he can de-personalise me, and just use my body to beat for his pleasure, not caring if I am okay, really letting his sadistic side have free reign.
Of course, the only reason I can want this is because he is always in such control of himself, and because he tends to err on the side of caution. What is it with us masochists that always makes us want to push our limits even more than our Tops do?!
Ooops — this has gotten very long — sorry to write a novel in your comments!
When I do that, I know I’m doing it because I don’t want him to make it worse. That’s the same reason I haven’t ever formally introduced him to your blog. HA! too many ideas! (you don’t have his email address do you? *G* )
Once, I did say “You hit like a bitch, Master” in the middle of a scene while incredibly turned and stupid on slave juice, but that was never repeated. Ever. Ever. Ever.
Of course, it never occurred to me until now that he does what he wants and doesn’t really factor in that I’m crying or screaming like a banshee. (Because he really doesn’t always stop when I do that…)
So I guess he really is in charge.
Now I wanna ask him if he knows I’m exaggerating sometimes. But if he doesn’t know, then he will know and I’ll get punished for lying AND he’ll make it worse, but if he does know then he’ll know that I know he knows, the jig is up and I’ll feel less in control.
Dab Nabbit, kaya. You done gone and ruined everything. :p
geez!! *grins*
Kitten
[...] 1, 2008 · No Comments Kaya did a post today that has finally started the cascade of posts about masochism that I’ve been threatening to do [...]
That is hot, smutty image!
Yowza!
“I’ve learned what it is that Master wants from me when he’s pushing me. One of those things is that he likes to watch me struggle through a hated task or chore, he likes to watch me fight it, grit my way through the pain, and have to do it anyway.
I believe it is in the Sadist’s Code of Conduct that all evil bastards are forbidden to revel in the mundane.
Of course we’re going to push through the hysterics. Most masochists have tells that would get them fleeced in a poker game. We process the torment inflicted not only for our own gratification but so that it can be ramped up, or back, of even off as required. Afterall aren’t limits are meant to be pushed (not broken) over time? A little thing like, tears or sobs aren’t going to sway us. Third degree carpet burns might get a passing look of sympathy.
I just have to say I absolutely positively love the picture!
Nothing like a good ol’ fashioned “kick to the cunt”!
ahhh! i am still learning and ready your posts really helps me sort out feelings so i thank you!
Oh and BTW fucking hot pic! Your ass looks perfect and the boot in your cunt- sensational!
~vie
OMG!!!
DROOL!!!!!!!!!
I’m super jealous!
Great picture.
Cunt punt!
Fucking brilliant! One of the “best” an image is 1,000 words capture yet. *s*
Kaya,
What a gorgeous pic that is!!! Hot, at its very best.
Lucy