Something’s Gotta Give
That “something” is gonna be me.
I’m so so so tired of the battle between mom and slave. I never get it right, this blending of the two characters.
I’m not interested in lectures about how I am both of them all the time, blah blah blah, because it’s bullshit. I am not. Maybe that’s my own doing, maybe that’s how it had to be due to the ages of my kids when this started, but wherever lies the fault, it is what it is. My slavery and my mothering are entirely separate entities.
I’ve detailed here more than once the ongoing difficulties of co-parenting. Even without trying to maintain M/s, blending families is difficult. Blending families with teenagers is even harder.
Meh. Even writing this is hard. And pointless, probably, except that I’ll feel better when I’m done.
I’m the central figure in this house, the one that holds the rest of them together. That’s not an egotistical claim, it’s an honest observation. Nobody else likes the other here. They all like me, they all revolve around me, they all come to me and talk to me and use me as the go-between for everyone else.
Nobody talks to anyone else. I’m the message center, the planning center, the information center, the peacekeeper. If I am in the room, the rest of them can be in the same room together, with me, all of us. If I leave, they scatter. One of them will be in each room of the house, by themselves, not talking to anyone, just waiting for me to settle somewhere. Then they’ll slowly flock back to the room I’m in, until I leave again.
I’ve tried extracting myself from being that central point. I don’t want that post. But the only thing I get for my efforts is banshee-type screaming amongst them all. Things literally begin to fall apart. No matter how determined I am, the house doesn’t function until I resume that post.
There’s always tension between Master and the kids. Always always always. They tolerate each other for my benefit, I think. Sometimes I think I see a glimmer of genuine affection and I get my hopes up– but it doesn’t last. There isn’t. There is toleration at best, slow-simmering dislike at worst.
Jes and Am hate each other and can’t manage to ask the other to pass the milk without being snippy about it. Case in point- that girl who killed herself was a friend of both of them, and they couldn’t/wouldn’t talk to each other about it. Oh they talked to me, separately, they cried and we hugged and talked- but to each other?Not a single word.
B-man is the brightest of the bunch and just stays in his room most of the time. No wonder he wants to smoke pot. Maybe I’ll join him.
This may come as a big shock to y’all, but did you know that it is absolutely impossible to please 4 people all at the same time? I mean, really! Who’d a thunk?
So here I am (again) battling between mom and slave.
If I put Master first too often and am too obvious about it- the kids get hurt/pissed/indignant. They get all “why do you stop talking to me when he calls you from the other room when we aren’t allowed to interrupt you?” and “if you can get HIM a glass of water then you can get ME a glass of water” and “Mom! We’re important too!”
If I put them first and do something for them at the expense of him having to wait? If I “serve” them or get up to go see what they want when they call me or drop what I’m doing to help them, then he gets pissed at me.
And God forbid I make an error in judgement and think I can get something done for them real quick before I devote myself to him and it ends up taking a whopping 20 fucking minutes instead of 5 because that obviously means that I’m just using him or that I like them better or some such cockamaimie bullshit.
On the flip side, the kids will also stomp off feeling unloved and ignored if it happens the other way around.
Every direction I turn becomes a personal insult to the one I’m not facing.
And fuck me if I don’t suspect they are doing their damndest to sabotage the other. On purpose. Getting their digs in when and where they can, not even realizing the only person getting poked in the process is me. You can’t be hurt by someone that you don’t care about and none of them care about the other so- yeah. I’m also the shield while they hate each other.
I’m just sick of it. Sick, tired and done.
I give.
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Friday May 8th, 2009 10:28am
Kaya,
No advice, just my heart felt sympathies for where you find yourself. I fear the only thing that will make it better is when they all open their eyes and realize that they’re hurting the one person they all love. Hang in there.
Dave
Thank you Dave.
So, so sorry. This is the story of a blended family with teenagers. I think you might have forgotten to throw in the part where the kids tell you they’re gonna go live at XYZ house since you don’t love / need them anyway.
Trying to come up with some advice, but it’s a tough one. M and I split up in March (that’s when we finally moved belongings, but it was coming for many months) and if I had to put my finger on one main reason – the teenager. I could not take the constant bullshit. While they were each walking around all smug because they got their digs in, I was sitting in the bathroom crying wondering why I was putting everyone through this. After all, they wouldn’t have to know each other if it wasn’t for me.
Around and around we went until I felt like my head was going to explode. M talked to me this week and he wants us to work it out so we just see each other every other weekend when she’s with her Dad – WTF???? That isn’t a M/s arrangement and isn’t even close to a normal vanilla relationship, it’s a friend with benefits – but I only get them on dates that work with the teen’s schedule????? Come On!
I’m gonna stop my rant now. Obviously I have no good advice to offer, but know what your feeling!
hugs ~junebug
“While they were each walking around all smug because they got their digs in, I was sitting in the bathroom crying wondering why I was putting everyone through this. After all, they wouldn’t have to know each other if it wasn’t for me.”
God do I get this.
*hugs*
Thanks.
*hugs you*
No advice – just sympathy and support.
I like sympathy and support. Thank you.
Hoo boy. Well, I was there too; two teens and a disconnected husband. (Not saying Scott is disconnected, just that my husband was)
I was the central figure, everyone came to me, etc.
It can be fucking exhausting.
All I can say is two things; one, remember you are not them. They are all people on their own with their own likes and dislikes, regardless of what you do or say. They will have their own feelings, reactions, opinions, bad moods, happy moods, etc. With absolutely no connection to what you do or do not do. You can’t control them outside of the typical parental control stuff. Try to let go of thinking you are responsible for their feelings or grouping everyone together as a “family”. You do your best and if they don’t appreciate it, too bad.
They will be what They Will Be and that’s human.
Two; there is a reason why most teens become so obnoxious. If they stayed all cute and sweet and fun to be around, we moms would never be able to let them go. By the time they all leave as young adults, you will be SO ready to watch them go out that door. Yeah, you’ll be sad, but mostly you’ll be relieved.
{{{{big hugs}}}}
“Try to let go of thinking you are responsible for their feelings”
That’s the crux of it right there.
So stop it. Let it all fall apart. It’s refreshing when they grow up enough to put it back together by themselves. You can be there to help, but it ain’t your job anymore, at some point.
OMG is it better on the other side. I am so glad to be done with kids. Now I only have the fun part — grown up kids. Amen. They’ll never stop using you like that if you let them.
Gah. It gets all fucked up when it involves the M/s shit. Somehow it all ties into obedience, almost as if my parenting (or lack thereof, depends on ones perspective) is ordered and- bah.
We’ll figure it out. We always do.
Tough situation. When J and I got together she was the single mother of a teenager and I was the single father of a pre-teen. The pre-teen left his mom and moved in with us not long after the “pre” was dropped from teen. Somehow we made it work. We ended up with a good family life. It wasn’t always pretty. There were difficult hours, days, and even weeks. Discussions (well, I call them discussions)at varying decibel levels. The boys had some rough times but actually for the most part they got along very well. I think that the keys to our blending a family were:
1)J was a great communicator. We talked about everything, especially family related things. Sometimes we included the boys(s) in the conversations and sometimes not depending upon the subjects.
2)We both had been single parents for over 10 years with all that entailed.
3)I knew in my heart that she loved and respected me, and would obey but sometimes I just had to check my ego at the door. That wasn’t easy because I love my ego and like to keep it around. At one time I decreed (its my fantasy that it was my idea so don’t disabuse me from it) that our bedroom and bath were slave quarters and she would be subject to my whims whenever she was in either room. Also, she wasn’t allowed to wear clothes in those rooms either which made for some interesting attitudes from time to time, but it kept the roles a bit clearer. The rest of the house we were to concentrate on keeping those two hellions straight. Keep in mind she was my admin assistant at the time too, so we were together pretty much 24/7 unless I was traveling.
Long story short, and I mean no disrespect, but Scott’s lack of parenting history leaves him lacking some critical understanding. As I tell my sons and the folks that work for me; In some things there is no substitute for experience so if you don’t have experience at least listen to those that do and learn what you can from them.
Soldier on.
this was the situation for us as well –
and I mean no disrespect, but Scott’s lack of parenting history leaves him lacking some critical understanding. As I tell my sons and the folks that work for me; In some things there is no substitute for experience so if you don’t have experience at least listen to those that do and learn what you can from them.
Soldier on.
“I knew in my heart that she loved and respected me, and would obey but sometimes I just had to check my ego at the door.”
I seriously think this is key. The teenagers were in your life first and they will be grown and gone before too long. It is still your job to be their mom and guide them and hang with them and help them. I would hope that Scott would be understanding of that and not accuse you of using him and/or loving them more when you are simply doing your mom duty. He came into the relationship knowing you were a mom of three.
I’m not saying the kids don’t need to check their attitudes, BUT if there was a little more support and understanding about your role as the mom (coming from the other adult), then you wouldn’t be feeling pulled in quite so many directions. You cannot please everyone all the time. You can only do so much and all of them need to let go of some of the expectations they have of you.
I knew what I wanted to say, but I found it in this poster’s comments, so rather than repeat it, I wanted to tell you that this is just a horrible spot for you to be in. When you feel as if your heart is being ripped apart by the people you love the most and should love you just as much.
It may not be the popular answer, but I have always felt that you’re a parent first, lover/wife/slave last. You gave birth to the imps and, while they shouldn’t be allowed to run over you, how you and they relate is often how their relationships throughout their lives will be with other people. As your husband, he should know this and support you, rather than making your life a living hell. He’s not just a Master, he’s a husband, lover, and father whether he likes it or not. He stepped into all those roles when he became a part of your life.
Whatever you do, you’re not going to do the right thing in someone’s eyes, so make sure that whatever you do is right for *you*
Well, he doesn’t make it a “living hell” exactly.
He’s trying. We’re all trying. Just.. some days are way worse than others. Some weeks are way worse than others. It’s a tough time.
Yes.
Now to make it work like that…
Yeah. You get it.
I got nothing helpful for you. I wish I did. I thank gods every day I only have one kid to worry about cuz I think that makes it a hell of a lot easier.
I wish I could take you out for drinks. Or have you over for coffee so you could bitch and moan and maybe feel better.
*sigh*
Much love is being sent your way, regardless.
Drinks. Fuck the coffee. I need stronger. *nods*
This may come as a big shock to y’all, but did you know that it is absolutely impossible to please 4 people all at the same time? I mean, really! Who’d a thunk?
First of all, here are some big hugs for you.
The only advice I can give you comes from the Loner from within. That’s what I am first and foremost. I learned this the hard way that it’s impossible to satisfy everyone…whether it’s society, friends, relatives, and your dear family. Now, I don’t blame you in trying to keep the peace between them…trust me, I love it when it’s peaceful and people aren’t trying to sink their fangs into other people’s jugulars to inject venom into them (not that it could happen). However, I stopped trying to appease everyone a long time ago because it just made me miserable. Life is too damn short, which is why I don’t try to appease everyone. I only try to appease me while making sure people aren’t trying to bite each other’s heads off because I HATE HATE HATE conflict.
Have you tried to talk to them about trying to show some respect and civility to each other? They don’t have to like each other, but try not to do shit to each other where it will hurt you.
This seems like a good idea, asking them not to do shit to each other where it will hurt you. Ask on Mother’s Day. Or for Mother’s Day. Its hokey and Hallmarky, but if it helps even a little it would be worth it.
Good luck,
ain
Oh I have. I’ve asked, talked, begged, pleaded.. at this point, I’m thinking therapy.
Ugh, I’m sorry to hear asking them didn’t help
I can’t imagine how conflicted you must feel. It’s so easy to say, “put Scott first”, but the reality is that the kids were there before him. So hard.
Along with the others, I have no advice but offer my support. Want a cookie? How about a whole bagful?
Cookies never hurt.
Is it bad to just comment to say “thank you for making me realize i’m not alone” ?? I truly read many of your posts and sit back quietly nodding in empathy.
I hope it’s not bad. Sometimes all I need to hear is that I’m not alone! Thank you.
I wish I had some great advice, but I was the bratty kid/teenager. My mom passed away when I was 7, and my father is now on his 4th wife. We knew the wives came with expiration dates. Sad, eh?
It wasn’t until my own marriage was falling apart did I learn real communication, and how to fight “properly”. Things with my dad have never been better, but my sister and I – we will forever be in different corners. I know you want things to be different, but I don’t believe they can improve unless both sides are willing, which may not be until the kids grow up. Literally. I never truly saw the error of my ways until I was an adult.
The only thing that has really helped our family situation now is wife #4. She is consistent. Always consistent. The other wives would try for a week, month, or months, but in the end would always revert back to the old ways. Wife #4 doesn’t, and that has made all the difference. I actually want this wife to stick around.
J.
I don’t really expect the girls to becom BFF’s anytime soon. I’d settle for civil, but I don’t even expect that until adulthood hits.
Good luck with #4.
So sorry. The ones you love the most have the ability to hurt you the most, and man, can they be selfish! Don’t give up, try to live your life as best you can, and talk, talk, talk. Don’t let them get away with not getting it: without understanding your pain at least some of the time, and they should understand their place as well. The one in crisis is first in crisis, your kids will always be your kids, and Scott will be your husband and Master now and when the kids are grown and have flown the coup.
I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this, and hope you are feeling better soon. I think this is the way teens are (and men can be at times), so I do think this will continue, but maybe you can make yourself feel better and perhaps modify it a bit.
And you don’t get them a glass of water ‘cuz they’re not sick, exhausted from working, your special boyfriend, etc. and are supposed to be learning to take care of themselves so they can make their way in the world and take care of themselves!!!!!!
I think it will continue too, so all I am hoping for is to learn coping techniques. I don’t think it will ever be “fixed” until it’s over.. lol.
::hugs you::
I’ve got no advice, sweetie. Not a mom. Not a slave. I don’t even know where I’d start with that.
But I can offer any support you need.
Thank you. I appreciate your support very much.
I could tell you what I did when this happened but it doesn’t matter – what works for one wont always work for the other. I’ve seen both sides (M or kids) but it took me 10 years to figure out that there is a 3rd choice – what about you?
I think I know what you did and… that’s not an option. It’s just not. I hate that option more than I hate this.
I refuse to believe that there isn’t a way to make this work.
yeah, we lived apart for 10 years and now that the kids are grown we’ve been in the same household for 2 years.
that option almost happened for you two recently. I saw how it tore you to shreds so know it isn’t an option for you. I think that things may change once your woman/child has her baby and gets on meds. When is the baby due?
Dr. Joy Browne talks about this dynamic on talk radio, without the BDSM equation. Do a search on her name, maybe you can tune in or call. With the kids, she says they fight because it’s sibling rivalry and it’s all about gaining your attention. Seems like everyone is vying for your attention and it’s got to be exhausting. Listening to her may be very helpful. She’s really direct in how to handle such situations as it’s very common.
Seems there’s an awful lot of pressure put on you to make things work. I wonder if there’s a way to re-direct them to one another to work things out instead of using you as the portal to connect each of them to one another. For example, maybe sitting the girls down together with you as the mediator…or maybe you shouldn’t be there at all, but direct the two of them to talk to one another instead of going through you.
Doing one-on-one ‘dates’ with the kids, and with your Master of course, may help to make each one feel special.
Hope this helps in some way. Wishing the best for you and your family.
I’ve tried directing them to each other but maybe I’m not doing that right. Or I’m giving up and stepping in too quickly.
I’ll look up that name. Thank you for pointing me that way.
I dont have a blended family and only have a 3 year old with a baby on the way. But know it is sometimes hard to be a wife and a mother all at the same time (with a bit of dabbling in slavery all in there as well).
Was just wondering is it perhaps possible to have one hour each week to each child and it is their “date” time with you. They get to chose what they can do with you. If it is just crying and chatting okay, or playing a game together, or go shopping or a coffee in town or something. Just time for them. That way you shouldnt feel guilty if you put your Master before them as sometimes you have to do that, whether you a slave or a wife or a partner.
I know teenagers can be quite selfish and see everything just from their own point. Nothing wrong by pointing this out to them and asking them okay fine what do you suggest then?
And have time just for your Master. Time that the kids know isnt theirs and literally the house must be burning down before they can interrupt you?
Dont know if any of this helps at all.
Hugs.
I like the “date time” idea. I’ve done that before, but it seems to fall by the wayside when things get hectic. I shouldn’t let it.
I don’t have anything helpful to say, I’m not a mother. But I can offer you hugs. Thinking of you…
I take hugs.
Since your kids are older now, maybe you should consider whether or not they should be told the ‘truth’ about your relationship with your male? Maybe not as far as the whole kink thing, but at least the service/respect part. I think that the kids need to understand that your relationship with him is not the same as your relationship with them and as a result, you won’t treat them all the same. It’s not a matter of loving them equally, because your child is your child, not your Master, and shouldn’t expect to be treated as such.
I have explained *some* of that before. Definitely without the kink specifics but I’ve explained that this is the relationship we have, he goes to work and I stay home and waiting on him makes me happy, yadda yadda yadda….
They accept that- to a point. I still sense lingering resentment over the service I give him vs. what I won’t do for them. I think, to them, it means I love him more or something.
I don’t know! Bah.
*hugs* I’m sorry you’re going through this, Kaya.
Me too! Boo.
“If I put them first and do something for them at the expense of him having to wait? If I “serve” them or get up to go see what they want when they call me or drop what I’m doing to help them, then he gets pissed at me.”
Just…. wow!
Now don’t take that out of context. You wouldn’t do that, would ya?
Whew! I feel your pain. I was also the mom in a blended family, but with yours/mine/ours that ended up with 5 kids. I have one name to suggest. Find any writings by John Rosemond. READ THEM! After reading his columns, I stopped allowing my kids make me feel guilty for trying to make my marriage work. I know that the kids were there before the marriage. However, the marriage is the central unit in the home. If that doesn’t work, nothing else will, either.
I teach high school kids, and they are incredibly selfish. I don’t say that out of spite or hate. But, they are like toddlers, focused only on themselves. The difference is that teenagers have had a lot more years to learn how to manipulate us. They feel absolutely no guilt in using that knowledge to get what they want. It’s part of their genetic make-up, I think. I see my students doing this to their parents every single day.
I tend to have a “Bill Cosby” philosophy of child-rearing when it comes to teenagers. I’m not interested in fairness or justice….I just want peace and quiet. I have no problem with telling my remaining teenager, “Because I said so”, and “Too bad if you don’t like it, my vote is the only one that counts.” So far, he is still alive and kicking. No, the others aren’t dead, just grown and gone.
I know that this goes against a lot of the advice from others here, but there are at least two sides to every situation, sweetie. So, I presented THIS one.
Hang in there,
Melonie
I totally agree with you Melonie!
John Rosemond– check. Got it.
“I stopped allowing my kids make me feel guilty for trying to make my marriage work.”
I need this.
Thank you.
Been just where you are darlin…Its time to have a “come to Jesus” meeting as we say here in the south. Sit them all down at once and tell them how you feel, how they are making you feel and its going to stop. You have to have your sanity. You know, even before M/s you always take care of your husband first, the kids will be gone and on their own soon and have their own lives, and it will be just you and him. Time for them to grow up…even your Master. Good luck!
Thank you. You’re probably right. We need a Jesus meeting.
I got nothin’ except “I read this and I’m thinking about you.”
~Chloe
Me too. Well, maybe I’ve got a little something – EVERYONE (including me) seems to be going through some sort of insane, intolerable roller coaster life stuff right now. Not much help, but you’re not alone.
PS gotta loves your use of “cockamamie” though! (smile)
Chin up, and believe in you. It’ll pass.
Are the planets misaligned or sumpin’?
Thank you.
Thinking of you.
Thanks, Debbie.
I’ll echo Chloe. *Hugs*
Thanks.
Hugs.
They will grow up.
I haven’t got any magic words.
I hope you can find some sort of peace with all of this.
swan
“They will grow up” is my mantra. Thank you swan.
I’m sorry you’re going through this
. I’m not a mother, infact I’m your kids age. I guess I just don’t understand how they could feel like you put your Master first. Like… You put a roof over their heads, they have food and water and clothing. Anything else they may need should come from a job, anything they need done they are perfectly old enough to do on their own. And for them all hating each other (me and my step brother were like this) just ignore it. If they don’t want to like each other then that’s their loss. There is nothing you can do about that. If one wants the other to do something don’t be the one to tell the other what one said. If they can’t talk to each other then too bad. I guess just spend time with them individually and they should be fine. And if you intrupt your kids when they are talking, they have no right to get mad. I don’t think at least. Your the adult, they aren’t. If they are going on and on and on about something and you have something to attend to (like your Master) then they should respect that and let you move on and talk to you when it’s convinent for you not them. I know you don’t want advise or help and stuff. It’s just things I’ve thought about being a teen myself lol 
I appreciate the teen perspective. Are you sure you’re a teen though? No foolin’? You sound nothing like my teens..lol. You sound more mature.
Haha, I am I swear!!!!
http://www.myspace.com/dementedxblonde PROOF lol jk. I guess I am kind of mature for my age (when i really have to be). I also live with my man and my mom lives in a different state. So I’m really, really on my own. lol 
kaya,
I cannot offer advice, because I have chosen to remain a single parent as wel as uncollared slave for some of the reasons you state.
Your owner/husband appears to be a good man. Children tend to be little Dom/me in their own way. I think the trick here is they have to know the “pecking order” of the pack. Your owner numer one, you number two, then the children.
I seem to rermember hearing about him doing lots of things with your son.
Things are veyr stressful in your homelife right now. New baby, economy issues, etc. I am sure these items are adding to any issues at home.
Hang in there!
My husband is a very good man. I know he is. Just sometimes, I guess we all lose perspective, even me.
Thanks.
Tomorrow (Mother’s Day) put them all in the same room, walk out, lock it behind you and tell them they can come out for dinner. If they can behave like civilized adults, I mean.
Seriously, this is not healthy for any of them – not even S. Until they establish one-on-one livable relationships with each other, they will continue to use you as a figurative punching bag. It may be that S has the right to do so, but the other three most certainly do not.
Good luck – I’m already struggling with this between my beloved and my princess. The girl and her daddy both are very strong-willed and must have their own way, especially once they are challenged by the other. I keep saying “you have to work out between the two of you how to do this without arguing”. It earns me a glare and a pout and usually at least two snippy comments but I am not an umpire or a therapist or a jury. And I’m not always there to decide. So, as someone else said… come to jesus.
“The girl and her daddy both are very strong-willed and must have their own way, especially once they are challenged by the other.”
Boy, do I ever understand this. This is Am and Master to a tee.
It gets all complicated when I feel like he’s playing the dom card to force me onto his side. I’m not saying he IS doing that, but when you add in the M/s components where it becomes my place to obey and what-have-you… it gets very crowded in my head and pretty soon, I’m rebelling just because I hate feeling conflicted.
Bah.
Sucks.
I know exactly what you are talking about. Please call me.
I would. But I don’t have your number.
They will grow up and you will not be so torn. Our daughter(who is 16 soon) has lived in a poly/D/s atmosphere without her knowing since she was 7. We have not coddled, or indulged her. However she has never known about any part of anything. But she has seen strong and inspiring women as role models. you will prevail.
Thank you. Prevailing sounds great.
I put a few pictures of the cats on my blog, just to cheer you up for a minute or two. <3 Can’t do much more. Just… I understand, I really do.
And it worked. Your cats are fucking adorable. I WANT!
http://hushabye.ipower.com/images/TOPGUN3.jpg
They look like this when they’re tiny:
http://www.shadowlawncattery.com/NewBlue-Bicolor-Ragdoll-kitten.jpg
Another few weeks, and there’s a litter born in town. We’re waiting.
Btw. They shed like mad during spring, otherwise they don’t. Very fluffy, very calm and lazy, cuddly.
I’m WAITING for our Furminator to get here. >.< There’s hair everywhere at the moment. After laundring, this is what my M’s t-shirt looked like:
http://i286.photobucket.com/albums/ll103/Dakrish/PICT4002.jpg
For Mother’s Day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAxfh8ukosQ
(Hopefully made you, and others, laugh; sure did make me lol)
I lawled.
Dear Kaya, I understand so well how it must feel. Obviously, most of the time you cope so well – and often you have described how much at least Scott is (on the one hand) giving, and sharing time etc… But I feel it so often that my husband doesn’t love my daughter like a father. Well, how could they?
Luckily, we brougt one kid each into the family that makes it easier to understand the other partner.
Anyhow, I am a little ashamed to say this: By putting it in these clear words that you always find, once more, you helped me. (OK, this will probably not be of any comfort to you, but I thougt, you might at least like to know). Hugs. I hope they make an effort and make you feel a little better soon. (Take Sparkle’s advice!)
Tina
“But I feel it so often that my husband doesn’t love my daughter like a father. Well, how could they?”
Yeah. I don’t like to think about it though. It makes me sad.
It is a comfort to know that people can identify with what I say. I really don’t like to put things out there that make either one of us look bad, but I vow to be honest in how I feel and what I think… and sometimes it ain’t pretty. That I generally get comments that are supportive and welcoming and a whole lot of “me too!” makes it worth it. It helps to not feel alone and to know that other people have been through it and made it out the other side. It gives me hope when I’ve run out of my own.
Thanks.
Happy Mother’s Day! I wonder what it’d look like to have an annual “slaves day”. That’d be interesting (maybe it already exists?. Keeping good thoughts for you and yours.
A slave day. I wonder what we’d get for gifts? Butt plugs and a new toilet brush…lol
teenagers will suck the life out of everything…good luck until they come back to their senses, usually around age 19 – 20. Then guess what? They go stupid again, but not as long as those teen years.
Hugs
“teenagers will suck the life out of everything” LOL Ain’t that the truth!
teenagers will suck the life out of everything…
LOL, I’m starting to wonder why I feel such a desire to be a mother…nature must be a sadistic bitch.
Oh my god – you answered EVERY one of our comments! Kaya, I think I’m begining to see how you get so worn out, honey. We love you to pieces – you don’t have to feed us, too! Hope you’re starting to feel a little lighter, and that they had the good sense to be nice to you for Mother’s Day. Thinking of you…
Poor kaya scratches head now where is that damned cage, kaya needs some quiet time! So do I, and damn it if we don’t need some cage anecdotes to swap.
Melonie is right read John Rosemond, he was my God….I married a man with 4 kids…I had 2….I would love to use the word “blended”, but much of the time that was a joke…as to feeling I was always in the middle….ditto…long story short we have been married 33 yrs…kids are all grown with families of their own, and wonder of wonders we are really a blended family…and really look forward to sharing each others company. Time is your friend….hang in there!!
Karen
Hey Kaya,
I also have a blended family. I was a mother of 3 when I met my husband, and we now have a toddler together. We have a 15 year old, an 11 year old, a 7 year old and a 2 year old.
I know that I am in your position, with the only difference being my children adore their step-father and he them. However, there is still a whole lot of tension because he has so little parenting experience and often feels I am too soft on them, or they take up too much of my time, and they get grumpy that I want to do some stuff with just him.
I know I take most of the misery on myself because I feel so dang guilty all the time. I feel *really* guilty that my husband ended up as a father of 4 when he could have chosen some girl with no kids and had all that attention to himself and not have to get home from work to homework, chaos, noise…etc. I feel guilty sometimes when he is strict with the kids and they get that “Alex is so mean to me” whinge.
Basically, my guilt doesn’t help things because it’s hard then for me to step outside the situation and say “these are your issuse, talk together about them and stop using me as a crutch”….I feel sort of “well, I brought them all together so it’s my job to make it all neat and happy”
I might make a promise to myself that next time the arguments start I’m driving myself to the spa until someone calls to say it’s over…:P
*hugs* for you
OMG I totally understand. My Daddy/Master and My Kids(4 of them lol) pull me in every direction, the stress is hard, never doing the RIGHT thing at the RIGHT time is even harder….all I can say is I wish you the best of luck…its nice to know I am not the only one going thru this.
I have some of the answers to some of the frustration if you really want them.
The first thing you do is to step back and really think about the answers to their questions, and then make time to answer them.
For example, if the kids complain that you will get master a drink, but not them one, you ask them “Do you really want an answer to that complaint, or just to whine at me about the unfairness of the universe like all children do now and then?” I suspect that will make them blink. If they say they want a real answer, give them one.
Explain to them “My job as a mother is to behave in a respectful way as much as possible while teaching you to be self sufficient and independent. That means that most of the time I would be failing in my most important task as a mother if I more that occasionally help you out with such things that you are completely capable of handling for yourself. I am showing you respect by believing you can take care of such mundane things. The relationship I have with (Master’s name here) is a different sort of relationship. It is one that only two consenting adults can sanely enter into. He doesn’t need to be taught to be self sufficient by me. I am not his mother. I have agreed as part of our kind of relationship to sometimes do things for him that I would not do for anyone else, including getting him a drink sometimes, or what have you. I am showing him respect in our different sort of relationship by so doing, where I would be failing at respecting you to do the same thing with the same frequency. This is one of the many ways that you must consider what the most important objective is, rather than only looking at the action to decide if something is fair. It isn’t always the best answer to treat everyone exactly the same if their needs are different. If I bought you all green pants for Christmas because your sister wanted a pair, the rest of you would not be so thrilled. You have to take my actions in the context of my priorities. In this case I am showing you respect by believing you can do for yourself and should do so.
You may have to have this conversation ten times, but with each successive time you will get more sighs and eye rolling and less challenging of it in the future.
After you have explained it once or twice, start responding with a question to open the conversation “Can you tell me a reason you think I might do things differently between (Master) and you? If you guess right, you get a (treat of some sort. Depending on child anything from a hug to ice cream, to getting out of setting the table toinght, etc. Just something they will value but will be of low cost to you).” This helps them internalize thinking about it for a few attempts. After a few more of those you start to answer with “I bet you can guess if you want the answer to that, but if not, feel free to follow me into the kitchen while I work on dinner and I will explain for you.”
As for some of the rest of the interpersonal stuff, a lot of it will be impossible to extract yourself until you have taught them more self sufficiency. If you leave them in a vacuum, they will return to chaos. If you leave them with the skills to handle it and the motivation to do so, you can better extricate yourself successfully.
When one of them gives you a message for another, you ask them “Do I have a little red flag attached to my ear?” When they look at you in confusion and answer no, you say you didn’t know that you were a mailbox. Then ask if they think they can come up with a way to convey that message to whomever it is without you being in the middle of it. If they struggle to come up with a place they could leave a note or something, maybe it is time to create a home message board that everyone checks. If you want to encourage them to look at it, leave a dollar tacked to it at random now and then, or otherwise leave thank you messages or treats of some kind to be found there. And be willing to say “It’s not my fault you missed out on the chance to go since you didn’t check the board yesterday. Those are the consequences. Next time you know how to prevent it.” Then walk off if the whining continues. It isn’t your problem if they had the chance and didn’t use it.
As for being civil to each other, tie your respect and their privileges to it. To do that, sit the whole family down to have a conversation.
Explain to them that you have realized you have been doing something less well than you should have as a mother, and that is both communicating expectations and prioritizing and rewarding maturity, civility and self sufficiency in some ways around the house. Explain that you intend to try to change that, and that you are going to explain what that means.
What it means is that you’re going to try your best to stop rewarding childish drama around the house. If people are yelling, you will be leaving the room. If they want help solving something, they will have to come to you specifically and ask you to help mediate. If they come to you and complain about mistreatment, they will get the question “What do you think you can do to handle them differently next time?” You will not jump in and rescue them from it.
Also, you will start rewarding mature communication and problem solving with more privileges. The kids who show you how mature they are by not letting anyone get them so worked up they are yelling about things will be the same kids that will get to do more things they want to do with friends, or whatever else are age appropriate desires of theirs. Tell them that you respect them as growing adults when they manage to communicate, even with someone intensely frustrating to them, without getting excited. Tell them that when you see them argue and stomp and slam and whine, you think of them as children and thus won’t get the special privleges an adult would.
And you tell them the psychology secret: When someone gets you upset enough that you are screaming and stamping and slamming and such, they win. It doesn’t matter what you said, what you threatened, what punishment they get later. Deep down inside they know they won because they got you to lose control. So the only real way to win a battle with your sister is to handle it in a way that doesn’t get you upset and angry. Adults are able to understand this and solve problems with other tools, including getting help in finding a solution from other people by brainstorming ideas. Children stomp and slam and use sarcasm on each other.
Tell them they have every right to use those negative and childish solutions, but that you will be disappointed to watch it, and you will be rewarding people when you see them use other tools besides those of a child.
And then you really need to do so. Watch them. Tell them you’re proud when they get it right. Talk to them about ways they could have handled it better when they come to tell you the unfairness of the universe.
Ask them a lot of “well, can you imagine what it’s like to be in her shoes? What might meet both of your needs better?” That sort of thing.
What you are doing is taking the whole set of patterns into meta awareness and saying that you will help them think it through, but you expect them to work on solving it themselves like adults.
It doesn’t work instantly, but it does work. Give it six months of being consistent about it, and you will have different kids. Everyone still loses it once in a great while, but mostly it won’t be worth the embarrassment to them to know they’re disappointing you and shooting themselves in the foot and not really getting any true measure of control anyway.
As for problems between Master and the kids, you treat that largely the same way that you do the treating their siblings well.
If they express frustration, you ask them how they can address that with him. If they complain about him, you ask them how they can communicate that to him in a way that might help them get more of what they want from him. You teach him the skills, if he doesn’t already have them, to walk away from them when they’re throwing a fit, and use the same sorts of techniques I am talking about here with them as well. Encourage him to reward them for sane behavior and to ignore them when they’re being ridiculous.
Don’t solve things between them. Redirect them to him with thoughts on how to approach him about that. Teach them to handle it themselves. Do the same with him. If he’s complaining about the kids, suggest ways he can handle encouraging more of what he wants to see from them. Don’t step in and rescue anyone with anything but information they must then implement themselves.
Pretty soon they will be able to figure it out on their own and stop looking to you as a savior.