Shit and more shit.
There’s been a debate going on about limits the last few days. One that I’ve stayed out of and away from, mainly because people who don’t understand the concept of no limits are never going to. The “what if’s” get more and more outlandish as people try to force you to say “okay! I would not do that. I have a limit.” The bigger question to me is why people need to hear that. What’s the reasoning behind needing to have limits in common? And I don’t mean specific limits but limits period. Any limit. Does that connect us all somehow?
I have very often said that I don’t have limits. I’ve said that my limits are defined by Him. I’ve said that I made a good choice so I don’t have to worry about being told to rape a nun or eat a puppy. I’ve used every single line to explain it.. and I still get faced with wilder and wilder scenarios… just daring me to say it. So… I’ll say it. I have no limits. None. Zero. I will do anything that He tells me to do. From eating shit to leaving my kids to breaking the law to degrading and immoral acts. My desire to please Him is that huge. And if you think I haven’t been faced with some pretty rotten things, you don’t know me very well.
Frankly, I no longer give a fuck who agrees with that.
But like I said, I’m not getting into the whole limit debate. I was, however, talking to blue about it a bit and she mentioned a limit question that she’d recently gotten. “what if He wanted you to go vanilla?” Now she’s of the mindset that if He forced her to go vanilla, then it falls outside the realm of bdsm and therefore, all bets are off. Which makes sense too. (I am sorry if I’m misquoting you baby, please correct me if I’m wrong, I’m mighty distracted here.)
So that question has been zipping around my head… along with this quote (again, not word for word) from magdala’s site “do you obey even in fury?”
“What if He ordered you to turn vanilla?” and “Do you obey even in fury?”
And that’s the real reason I’m writing this post. To find out those exact answers.
Without going into extreme personal details, I’m just going to say that things here are completely up in the air. Master’s job is requiring every bit of His time and attention. We’re going to be moving again and very very soon. The kids are understandably stressed about another move, even though it’s a return to a previously attended school. My oldest daughter has decided not to move and is going to stay with her dad. This move doesn’t give us any more time together (yet) nor does it get us closer together (yet). I’ll be going back to work after the move.
And none of those reasons have jack shit to do with what’s going through my head.
Master’s job is what it is. I know His preoccupation is temporary. I know these heavy demands on His time are temporary. I’m not so much of an attention whore that I can’t deal with being sat on the back burner for awhile.
The move is actually a very sound financial decision and I’m really rather excited about moving back to that house. I mean, we have a house, a bought house, sitting empty in a town less than two hours away from Him, while me and the kids are sitting in this monstrously expensive rental house. When we first moved here it was closer to His job, until they sent Him to F*ucking Michigan which was like 7 HOURS away.. and now He’s back in Wisconsin and dammit, that’s where I’m staying. Final answer Regis.
The two kids who are moving with me will quickly readjust to living there again and are also excited about seeing old friends. Changing schools is a bitch, but when it’s unavoidable, tough shit.
The one who is not moving with me.. well.. to be painfully honest, I’m not that upset about it. She’s a difficult child anyway, peace follows quickly when she’s elsewhere. It’s her daddy’s turn with her, in my opinion. And since I have little to no faith in her dad actually taking responsibility for her, I expect she’ll be back with me soon enough anyway. But she needs to do this.. she needs to see for herself. She’s never been a child to take anyone else’s word for it. And at the very least, when she does come back home, I will never again have to hear “I hate you! I’m going to live with dad!” when she gets in trouble. But if it works out for her.. great. I hope she’s happy there.
Master will still be gone Monday through Friday and we will still see each other on the weekends. The only good thing about this is that the city He’s in is not out of driving distance (about an hour and change), so a quick trip for me to Him or Him to me midweek is completely do-able.
There are many many things about going back to work that I’m looking forward to. Having extra money is never a bad thing obviously. I’m happy about being able to splurge on the kids if I want to. Although Master has always been very generous about letting me buy what I wanted, there was an underlying pressure to justify a purchase. I don’t know that it came from me or from Him but more often than not, I’d pass up buying something if it wasn’t a necessity. I wasn’t real fond of the humiliation of having to ask to buy stuff anyway. And while what I earn will be handed over to Him, I already know the sense of justification I’ll feel when I buy a “just because” item. It may be in His bank account but it’s still “my” money.
I’m also looking forward to that sense of accomplishment I used to have after a good day at work. I miss that sometimes. As well as simple, light-hearted female interaction. Girl-talk around the lunch table.
And having me busy at work takes a whole lot of pressure off of Master to fill up my days. I’ll stop needing Him so much. I’ll be preoccupied with my own stuff which frees Him up to not feel so guilty about neglecting me.
It’s certainly not my preference in life but I can handle it.
So I’m not even freaking out about that, which in the past was a huge trigger for me. I had talked myself into accepting it, and figuring out ways to work the Master/slave “stuff” around all of those obstacles. Because I’m still His slave, no matter where we live or where I am or where He is. Other people manage it, with style and grace, while facing much bigger obstacles.
The thing is, I know (or knew) that it’s all temporary. A tiny blip on the radar of life. And I was clinging, somewhat fiercely, to the remaining evidences of my slavery. I needed them, you know? Badly. This adjustment, no matter how rationally I can look at it, is going to be hard. Master didn’t get me to this point in a day and I can’t return to where I was in a day.
I had hoped for a slower entrance back to reality. I don’t know why I ever ever think Master will do anything slow and easy.
I feel (understandably I think) threatened.. and insecure.. and worried. And while I’m able to rationalize it to myself, to explain the reasons, to accept the truths, I’m still searching for these new boundaries. Just how much is getting pushed aside? What rules exactly are going to be on hold? How far is He pulling away from me and how far will I be allowed to pull away from Him?
These are things that, once you’ve dipped into being nothing, can obliterate your foundation.
We didn’t have the time or the privacy to discuss everything in full detail over this last weekend. And since then, Master’s just been too busy. Too busy or too tired, to notice or to care that I’m… sinking. Falling.
Oh fuck falling. I fell. And He didn’t catch me as He promised He would.
We still haven’t had the time or the privacy to really hash this over. All I’ve been able to do is throw in quick items… a fast mention of the journal… or of tasks… little things here and there. Testing the waters… checking His reaction. His responses to little things like that are very indicative to the bigger things that He doesn’t have time to talk about it. He didn’t just crawl into my head while we embarked on this journey. I got in His too. I know Him pretty well.
His responses are.. disappointing to say the least. He’s cutting me loose. Doesn’t care about the journal, doesn’t care about chores or rules or tasks or pictures. Here’s the quick conversation this morning about the website;
Me: “The website was pulled as soon as I told them we were canceling it.”
Him: “Oh? Do you want to put it back up?” He’s *asking* me if I *want* to?!
Me, slightly shocked and extremely terrified: “No.” Testing, asking, can I suddenly decide this on my own??
Him: “Are you done with all that?”
Me, reeling from having that choice and silently begging for Him to stop this: “Yep.”
End of conversation. And that’s the way it’s been over every single little thing that I’ve managed to squeak in. I’ve gone so far as to ask.. exasperated and confused and scared… “am I still Your slave, for fucks sake??” to which He replies, equally as exasperated “of course you are. always.”
Apparently.. it’s going to be my title to wear. Because all evidence and defining characteristics are being taken away.
I reduced myself to writing long and ranting emails to Him.. which are ignored. I can handle being ignored. Hell, being ignored and learning that I am NOT the center of His universe was a big part of my training… but when He’s yanked away my very foundation and then ignores me… it’s too much.
So. What I’m thinking is that He knows, and mentioned several times, that He knew this would be hard on me. He knew it would “fuck with my head” to have to rearrange things again. Possibly He’s backing way the fuck off in an attempt to not make this any more difficult than it’s going to be.
And that is wrong. So completely and entirely and totally the *wrong* thing to do. If all I’m going to have left are these little things, then I NEED them. How can I possibly believe that we can make this work, that we can fit the big things in when and where we can if He’s showing me that He can’t even work in the little things?
No no no. The confidence that I had on Sunday is gone. I’m now facing what I see to be as the end of the road. Maybe it’ll pick back up at some point, maybe not. Probably not. We aren’t moved yet, I’m not working yet, nothing has changed in that manner, yet I’m already excused from journaling, I’m done with tasks, I’m done with training, I’m done with chores, I’m allowed to say no. I’m allowed to say “I dont want to talk about it.” I’m allowed to say “I don’t want to, I don’t feel like it, I don’t care.” The website and posting those humiliating pictures of my fat ass is up to me…. and what do you all think I’m going to do? Common sense. If all of that is gone already.. this fast… I’m absolutely hopeless on believing in anything else.
Quite honestly, I was livid. Pissed. Angry. Mad. Fucking furious. Just like that He gets to decide that this is the new shit? Is there no sense of responsibility for pushing me down this path, for fucking with my head to that degree, for promising me repeatedly that it was okay to let go, it was okay to go that deep, it was okay.. it was always okay… And the fuck it was.
He should not have started what He wasn’t sure He could finish. This is dangerous fucking business. You can’t just go rewire someone and then… abandon them. You just can’t do that. Except He can. Even in this, He answers only to Himself.
Which brings me back to those two questions.
“What if He ordered you to turn vanilla?” and “Do you obey even in fury?”
I’ll be His vanilla slave. And I’m obeying, even in the face of fury.
Limits.. shit.. cutting off a finger would be easy in comparison.
I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I hope that Master pulls His head out of His ass and lays down the law, even under these new boundaries. Just *something* to hold on to.
That’s all I guess.
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Wednesday March 1st, 2006 12:24pm
Hugs you tightly!!
i can hear the frustration in your post and the turmoil you must be feeling — wish i had answers for you, but i will keep hoping that once some of the pressure if off your Master things will pick back up. Lord knows i am going to miss those hot ass sexy pics of yours — i have given my Master more than one suggestion from your pics.
dee-kitten
Master Ivoree’s slave
Just a big, huge hug kaya.
OMG kaya,
It has never failed to astound me how fast shit in your life changes. i don’t know how you EVER kept up. i don’t know what to say to you right now, i truly don’t. i am no where near your level on any of this and i am not sure i could handle Master just walking away right now. “We” all know how intense your life and training has been. We have the proof in the form of pictures of your beautiful ass and your words.
i can’t make it better, i can’t tell you everything will be ok. i don’t know you as well as the blue or keth do but, i truly like the you i know so far, so if i can do anything, including just listen, please let me know.
Sable(pet)
I know that in many ways I can’t relate to this, and that your life as a slave is a thousand times more intense and harder than what mine was.
But from what you’ve written, I know those feelings. And getting dropped, whether intentionally or unintentionally is one of the worst things I’ve ever felt, so I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
I know it’s probably too soon to even mention this, but the good points are there, you mentioned some of them. You can handle change, even though it hurts, and you can probably handle it a lot better because of the things he’s done to you (hey, how many toothpicks were between your asscheeks?). And although the things are part of completely different realms you can and will survive this.
I used to always feel like I was the hard side of the velcro, and on good days he would be the soft side, but sometimes it was like I just couldn’t stick to him, couldn’t hold on despite every need to. He’ll get sticky again, and if he doesn’t, it’s still what he wants.
I hope I wasn’t overstepping any boundries with you, just trying to help some. And like you said to me, chin up, even if it is trite and cliche. (Although I’m all about wallowing in some self pity for a little while. Then chin up).
tulsa
tulsamoda.blogspot.com
You did just fine, baby. You’re doing just fine. Standing straight in the face of all this is hard enough, but when you get the rug jerked out from under you – man, that makes it hard to stay upright. That you can do it makes me love and admire you that much more.
No easy answers, not for this one. I get why you are so mad – boy do I. We’re supposed to be … accepting, no matter what, we know all too well that fair never ever counts – but there still has to be a measure of balance, and when that balance is gone or just traveling incognito … just to keep putting one foot in front of the other takes more strength and will than most will ever know.
It’s hard to have faith, when things blow up like this (and there’s the only real downside to being ‘intense’ – the high may be exquisite, but so is the low), so that’s what I will share with you right now. It’s the only thing I have that might be able to help any at all, so take it, baby, please … take my faith, all of it, and hold on to it. Curl up with it and sob, or roll it into a ball and slam it into the wall, just hold onto my faith for me, hold on to it and know that I believe in you – and I believe in Him, too (but I do believe in you more … sorry Sir, nothing personal, but she’s my best good friend :-)
Take my faith and make it yours, make it whatever you need it to be, take it and hold onto it for dear life. I would cut off a finger right this minute if it meant I could be there with you … but the Fates say I have to stay here. Just know I love you baby.
I’m a little stunned, baby. I really don’t know what to think, or say, or actually I think too many contradictory things to know which one to say. Obey my master in fury? Oh yeah, many times. I’m a slave, so what if I’m pissed off? The fury passes, he’s still my master, I still obey him, I get punished if I’m too snarky, I get over it. Obey even if he said we’re still on but we’re dialing it back or we’re “turning vanilla” and my slavery is now just a formality? Yikes. Okay, sure, as an experiment, on the assumption that this too will pass, that I could maintain my enslavement secretly, under cover of being a nice, compliant, docile girlfriend/wife/whatever, that he would get over this silly shit pretty quick, and life could begin again. (Soon, please, Sir, before I fucking explode!)
But simply dismantle *everything* and abandon it and forget about it as if it never existed, if that’s what’s really on your horizon? (I really hope it isn’t.) Oh my. Horrible. Torn right down the middle. I love him, he’s the love of my life, I would rather die than live without him. But never being his slave again, never *ever* in any way, not even deep in my heart where no one else could see it? Part of me, most of me probably, would say, well so what if my heart is breaking, this is what he wants, I’m his, my heart is his to break, this is where I belong…
But a big part of me would want to say the awful thing I’ve said before, with very mixed results: SELL ME! If you don’t want to own me anymore, please for the love of God just fucking SELL ME, auction me, list me on eBay, raffle me off, give me away, do whatever you have to do to find me a new owner, because I *need* to be owned, I need to be a slave, and if I can’t belong to you I need to belong to someone else! (Word of caution to all: Don’t say this stuff unless you really mean it.)
It’s awful, I totally do NOT recommend this, I hope with all my heart it never comes to this for you, but it’s happened to me, I lived through it, I stayed a slave, and I even found my way back home, eventually, and life is better than ever before. Good call on my part? Um, hard to say. (What saved me? Incredible dumb luck? Divine intervention? Both, I think.) I’m sure/pretty sure/hope to God your master doesn’t really mean to let it go this far, probably when things settle down life as you know it will begin again, but I totally sympathize with what you’re going through. It’s like being trained rigorously to be a beautiful sexy showpony and then being told it’s all over, you have to be a dreary plowhorse. My heart is with you, babe, here’s hoping you’re soon back in the center ring with your Ringmaster (and his whip) and those plowhorse days are all behind you…
*huggggggssssssssss tight, big bluemonsterhugs*.. you know.. this is one of the things that i hate about “groups” like this one (and i use that term very loosely).. that we read things and take things away that.. yes, make us think.. and sometimes, take us in directions that maybe our Masters never intended.. never considered.. and if they don’t read these.. may be shocked to read.
[the positive side is what you see here: the messages of love and support and advice.. and i know i for one wouldn't be without it for a second.]
you know.. [and i may be reading you totally wrong so if i am.. apologies in advance] .. this strikes me very much as being similar to b’s post towards the end of last week. I know there are differences.. some quite important ones.. but (there’s always a but isn’t there?) a lot of the advice i think you gave her.. applies to you too.
*huggggggggssssss gently* – if you pop on tonight and i’m there and you wanna talk.. *smiles*.. my ears are all yours…
keth
xxxxxxx
Oh sweetie, I don’t even know what to say. I feel your anger almost as if it’s my own. I understand it so well, and have felt that exact same rage so often. It’s paralyzing, the fear that goes with it, and I don’t have any solution to it whatsoever except to say that you’re not alone. You have lots of people, myself included, that have been, or are, there in some respect and can offer you strength and comfort should you wish it, or just leave you alone if that’s what you need too. You know I’m here, anytime you want to talk.
Now, at the risk of pissing you off even more, may I suggest two possibilities?
Is it possible that given your Master’s work schedule, he’s simply tired? Maybe being forced to be more and more in control at work and possibly needing a breather from that constant (vanilla) domination when he’s home? I’m sure you’ve thought of that, of course, you’re one smart cookie and I know so well how deeply committed you are to him.
The other thing that occurred to me while I was reading your post is this.. it seems to me, a casual observer looking in from the outside, that your Master is all about showing you how much he’s in control, over portions of your mind and life that truly astound me. Not so much that he does it, but that he even *thought* of it. Do you think it’s even remotely possible that he is teaching you something here, maybe that yes, he controls the level/depth of your BDSM, and at his whim, he can command you to be his vanilla slave? Because sugar, if that’s what it is… you’ve already passed the first part of that hurdle.. you’ve recognized it. And if you accept the lesson.. he’ll move on.
Just some thoughts, and I hope I haven’t overstepped my bounds to either one of you. Know you’re in my thoughts and I truly wish I could make things right and all better for you. All I have is an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or an endless supply of virtual hugs.. and they’re all yours babe, as long as you need them.
– Taylor (http://twiceasbright.blogspot.com)
Hi Kaya it’s Kathryn – I totally agree with you: “He should not have started what He wasn’t sure He could finish. This is dangerous fucking business. You can’t just go rewire someone and then… abandon them. You just can’t do that.” However it sure sounds like a test to see how serious you are and to see how you respond to him with a different set of circumstances. Will you make decisions when he allows it and still respond with obedience when he doesn’t give you choices or will you get complacent. Your training reminds me of boot camp or special forces training – it doesn’t last forever but it forms a foundation with boundries and although the boundries may enlarge the loyalty and obediance should remain intact – when they don’t punishment, retraining even court martial and imprisionment can ensue. My point here is if you have been trained well you should be able to be flexible and conform to his needs -remember your slavery is about conforming to his needs, his desires, his sadistic whims. Have you considered this may be a form of putting you in a box, closet, or on a shelf and going on with life? I remeber a post you did on being objectified and it seems to me that your current situation is continuation of that ie: who worries about the unused towels in the linen closet while they are on vacation for that matter any household item. Maybe that is it, maybe he is taking a vacation and has put the cunt in a cage albeit an unusal cage. I can tell you my work puts me in the position of being in charge everyday, part of that is administrative control, part of it is training people plus I am my mothers caretaker and though I love my work and my mother their are times when I need a vacation. It sounds like a lesson in being an object – objects don’t have feelings, needs or emotional demands. My question is: Is your slavery a state of mind and being,literally who you are, or is it simply based on physical enforcement and kink. I hope it is okay for me to write you at your hotmail account. Gotta go tons of work to do before I go to bed. Big Big Hugs to you Kaya –
Kathryn
It’s not over until its over. I often give my subjects liberty, just to snatch it away again. enjoy it while it lasts dear.
JL
oh kaya hun hang in there. I wish I had to words to say but I am struggling with a million things myself so how about I offer a ~~~~huge hug a million times over~ smiles might help both of us.
*big tight hugs* I just wonder if all this moving back and forth is finally taking a toll on him and that’s why he’s not being as you know him to be normally? Just a thought…I cannot imagine how tough it must be for both of you with the moves and changing addresses in such a short time.
*hugs* to you both…I wish I could wave a damn magic wand and make it all better…:*
*hugs*
Hi kaya,
I have some catching up to do and this is the posting I start with!
What you do is extreme. But, it is funny because if you change the wording a little in this piece on torture — exchange school or work for “torture” and student or employee for “slave” — many of the statements still hold true. How much of the negative reaction to what you do is solely in response to the words pain and torture?
When I’ve been able to dive into pain I’ve been able to go to places and states that I’ve never been able to reach otherwise.
Good luck!
Woodsbunny
I was also trying to think of something inspiring to write about your post yesterday, but I’m so not good at it…. so, instead, just know I think about you and send hugs your way **HUG**
i haven’t been reading for awhile, so i’m catching up here…
this sounds so intense and difficult. i hate living without boundaries, and after all your training…
just wanted to write a note to say i’m reading and hoping this turns out okay, for both of you.