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She’s making a list… checking it twice…

Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice..

Or sexy or not..

Or.. yeah.

Generally, when I hear that I’ve “made someone’s list”, it’s not a good thing. This time it is though.

Apparently, I’ve made the top 100 sex bloggers of 2009 list over at Between My Sheets. Thank you.

(The complete list is posted at the end. Quite a few blogs on there I’d not read before, and a lot that I have. It’s always nice to see new links and get new reads, I think.)

It’s coincidental that I’d find out about this list right when I was about to make a post about sex that is quite unsexy. I wonder if that’ll get me booted from the list? Heh. Let’s find out. ;)

So, Master and I have an issue. It’s a reoccuring issue, one that I “solve” time and time again, only to find myself right back in it a week or so later.

The issue is this: I… am a sex slave failure.

*nods*

Tis true.

Here’s the thing.

He tends to be randy at the most hectic and busy time of my day.

Every day. Without fail.

Shortly after he gets home from work, he wants to fuck.

The kids have recently gotten home from school and they, well, Am anyway, has to recant to me every single word spoken throughout her entire day. What teacher said what, how she did on this test, what friend said this, who is fighting with who, who just broke up, who just made out, who just came out of the closet (srsly. There has been a homosexual explosion at the high school. Gay is the new black.)

B-man does less telling me about his day and more bitching about his day. For real. Is it an age thing? Do 14 year old boys have random moments of pms? He can be such a.. a.. a bitch, to be blunt.

The noise and chaos of those two being home, talking over each other, digging through the kitchen for anything edible, tends to set Babygirl off. She’s either screaming because the chaos pisses her off, or she’s squealing because the chaos got her excited. She’s almost always in her jumperoo which has the. most. annoying. monkey and elephants noises. I mean, that’s a lovely addition to the ruckus, right? Hooting and trumpeting to bouncing baby music.

Then he comes home, and he wants my attention when he walks in the door. He wants me right there to greet him, ready to take stuff out of his hands. He wants to tell me about his day and he wants both ears on him.

Plus, I almost always have something on the stove right then. He wants to eat, I have to cook it. It’s just that simple.

And, always, ALWAYS, somewhere in the middle of that, he’ll come up to me and say “Let’s fuck.”

Are you freakin’ kidding me??

Now I know… I KNOW… those are nothing but excuses. I really do. And poor excuses at that! Shut the stove off, tell the kids to buzz off for a minute, and go make mah man happy. I know.

But at the time, I am as unhorny as it is possible to be. I really really am. I would never, ever tell him no. Never. I just am not.. eager.

That’s a nice way to put it. Yeah. I’m eager-less. (Perhaps, also, apathetic, annoyed, put out, dispassionate, “Ugh. do you really want to?”… but we’ll leave those out for now.)

And that’s not sexy. It hardly turns him on or makes him want me, you know? Not that I blame him or anything.

So he’ll wander off to do his thing, I finish what I’m doing. We eat dinner, the kitchen gets cleaned up, the kids scatter off to laptops and xboxes, Babygirl is in her swing, heading towards sleep, the house is quiet, my work is mostly done for the day, got my feet up and then I’m all.. huh! I’m horny!!

I track him down… and he’s sawing logs in his recliner. Then it’s me saying “Hey! Wanna fuck?!” and he looks at me with bleary eyes and says “I’m going to bed. G’night.”

Hummph.

Rejected!

Last night I says to him, you know Master? We really need to coordinate our horny times. and he says to me, you know cunt? You really need to spread your legs when I’m horny.

And I says, Oh. Right.

I knew that. I really, honest to God know this.

So why do I keep cycling back to this same fucking spot? I mean, we talk about this, him and I, and we come up with a plan. Or we vow to stop. He’ll say things like, cunt, I don’t care what you’re doing, if I want to fuck, I expect you to move your ass and that’s that. And I’ll say things like, cunt, plaster a fucking smile on your face and do what he wants. FFS woman. What a pathetic excuse for a sex slave you are! Snap out of it!

Pep talks, you know?

And then the time comes and…. Nothing. Same old, same old.

It’s terrible.

Obviously I need to make some changes. I need to change the routine so I’m open (literally!) when he comes home. I already KNOW that’s when he wants to go at it. This is not on him to fix, it’s all me.

Now to just DO IT.

Gah. I suck.

Actually no, I don’t. I NEED to, though. Heh.

So there’s my very unsexy sex post. :P

~~*~~

Top 100 sex blogger according to Between My Sheets. Enjoy. :-)

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categories Uncategorized | | datetime Wednesday November 11th, 2009 7:18am

20 Responses to “She’s making a list… checking it twice…”

  1. twisted says:
    Wednesday November 11th, 2009 at 7:44am

    Kaya? Remind me… what are the three golden rules? shut-up, listen, act? or was it obey… I forget…

    And thanks for this list, gonna take me FOREVER to read ‘em. Love you guys!

    Reply
  2. sin says:
    Wednesday November 11th, 2009 at 8:06am

    I mostly lurk, rarely comment, but couldn’t resist today.

    Of course you are on the list. You should always have been on the list. You are are the list. You are BDSM. Really.

    LOL at “gay is the new black”.

    And you know you need to do it his way. Plan for it. Plan to fuck him every single afternoon when he comes home from work. Abt 5 minutes after he comes through the door. Dress for it, cook for it, plan for it. (SO easy for me to say, isn’t it? Gosh I’m great at advice)

    Thanks for writing. You are the best. i sound like a total groupie don’t I?

    sin
    [rq=1155588,0,blog][/rq]Weights

    Reply
  3. nancy says:
    Wednesday November 11th, 2009 at 8:09am

    BLECH~~ i know the feeling.. it gets better once the kids are a bit older..(maybe)
    Plan, plan , plan..thats the only answer.
    And of course you are on the list..silly woman!

    Reply
  4. Biddable says:
    Wednesday November 11th, 2009 at 8:57am

    I think our analog is that the Captain always seems to be horniest when I’m closest to dropping dead of exhaustion. Because I’m always best at servicing him after the babies have kept me from getting more than three hours of sleep a night, right?
    [rq=1156155,0,blog][/rq]A Surprisingly Lengthy Post

    Reply
  5. Nadia says:
    Wednesday November 11th, 2009 at 9:00am

    If I remember correctly I’m one of the people who nominated you. :-) You totally should be on the list!

    I think part of being a sex blogger is including the times when sex is less than ideal. Hell I’ve openly talked about being sexually assaulted and its aftermath and about life with herpes. It’s part of the story. Of course, I try to make sure the blog is heavy on hot bdsm action.
    [rq=1156252,0,blog][/rq]Coming and Caning

    Reply
  6. nilla says:
    Wednesday November 11th, 2009 at 10:31am

    I would have been surprised if you had NOT been on that list!!
    Maybe, maybe…you can tell the kids they’re practicing for…i dunno…a presentation…and they can tell you their 5 key points of the day…make dinner in the morning (or crock pot! you are my crock pot goddess, btw…) and be naked under your clothes (hee,) for when he comes home? Mebbe for one day to start? Easy for me to say, me who is frantically throwing things together in the last hour …so yanno, take it for what it’s worth! I have a similar issue trying to rearrange my schedule w/kids, and all the *stuff* you have to get done each day. good luck getting lucky!
    Drop everything for a good fuck? Fuck, yes! nilla, obviously feeling better from the Aporkalypse…..gawd i luff that phrase….

    n
    [rq=1157276,0,blog][/rq]Benched

    Reply
  7. SixThreeFive says:
    Wednesday November 11th, 2009 at 10:51am

    You have a slowcooker and an oven, yes? Make the food so that it’s done when the kids come home. Seat them to eat. Give babygirl to Jes. Go wait around for him to come home. Easy-peasy, yes? ;)

    No, more seriously. There’s about a hundred and fifty-two things you can do. Like, say, start telling the kids that you’ll be all ears untill Scott comes home. For the next hour after that, they cannot speak to you unless the house is burning or someone is needing 911. Then, you two lock yourselves into that room of yours and shag.

    Mother used to do something similar. If we kids asked her for something, to drive us somewhere or permission for X Y and/or Z, for the first 30 minutes after she came home – it was no. Just no. No to everything. You can’t go to the neighbours, you can’t have pizza for supper, you can’t do X Y and/or Z. No. No, no, no. We got it *pretty* fast.

    Now. You plan food for each week, right? Okay. So. Get everything ready and, as I said, cook what you can before hand. What you can’t, make sure it’s ready to be done fast. Have snacks for the kids ready, so that they can have “apetizers” – or serve them food as soon as they barge in the door. Then, go spread your legs, and after that, serve food for you and Scott.

    Imma repeating myself I thinketh. Bah. See, I’m stalling. I have shitloads of dishes to do (good god, what I wouldn’t give for a dishwasher!), gingerbread soap to make, a soft gingerbread to bake and a grocerystore to bike to. Baaaah.

    Procrastinationskillz. I has them.

    Reply
    • SixThreeFive says:
      Wednesday November 11th, 2009 at 1:07pm

      Actually, I’d like to add to this. I thinketh your problem is that YOU’RE spreading yourself too thin. The kids need you, indeed, and you’re supposed to be there for them. But they’re old enough to see that you need a moment with him to “reconnect” or talk through the day, when he comes home. I see no problem whatsoever in that. Aren’t you usually availble the rest of the evening? Then an hour wont be a problem.

      Reply
  8. thepinkpoppet says:
    Wednesday November 11th, 2009 at 2:24pm

    Naturally you are on the list! Duh! Congrats.
    [rq=1159279,0,blog][/rq]MicroFantasy Monday–”Hot and Cold”

    Reply
  9. Tirade says:
    Wednesday November 11th, 2009 at 3:45pm

    You should be on this list exactly because you make unsexy posts like this one. What sets you apart from the thousands of sex blogs out there is that you’re brutally honest.

    Most sex bloggers just want to brag about their amazing sex life or get strangers off with their writing. They intentionally ignore the reality that sex is not always fun or glamourous. That not everyone is always ready and willing to fuck. That sex can sometimes feel like a chore. You’re one of the few sex bloggers that are not only willing to discuss these “unsexy” problems, but are humble enough to admit that you suffer from them, too. You deserve the award for covering both the realism of being a sex slave rather than trying to present it as the sort of hot porn fantasy that most bloggers would have you believe.

    Reply
  10. viemoira says:
    Wednesday November 11th, 2009 at 4:20pm

    i think it would be great if you set the oven buzzer for however long after he gets home +

    Reply
  11. viemoira says:
    Wednesday November 11th, 2009 at 4:27pm

    i think it would be great if you set the oven buzzer for however long after he gets home + an estimated catch up talk time and when it goes off you can surprise him and run in the bedroom and drop your drawers and bend over?! Maybe you can work it out so dinner is pre made and he’ll be all like “buzzers going off cunt, don’t let it burn” and you can say “that wasn’t the buzzer for dinner Master, tonight you get dessert first” all saucy like. Hmmm i’m now getting carried away with images in my mind. Nevermind any of this, hope you correlate your hornies soon!

    Reply
  12. whorlock says:
    Wednesday November 11th, 2009 at 5:58pm

    I haven’t read the other comments yet so I may be reiterating here, but have you ever considered that what makes him horny is the fact that you don’t have time for him? That if you changed your schedule to be available for fucking when he gets home, that he would no longer want it and would wait until you had your hands full?

    I’m not saying he does this on purpose; he may not even be aware of why he always wants you at the most inconvenient moments.

    Your job, as I understand it from your writings on this here blog, is to cater to his wishes when they occur and not to plan for them as if you think you know when they’ll occur just by past experience.

    It would be interesting (to me) to see what happens if you change your ways to be available for him when he gets home. As I just said, I don’t think he’ll want you, and I also don’t think it would be out of malice. It’s just the nature of the beast.

    I’m probably completely wrong :)

    Reply
  13. Anon... says:
    Wednesday November 11th, 2009 at 9:32pm

    You could always go with what it was currently decided I needed to solve the problem. Mine calls me when he leaves work (30 mins away) at which point I’m to put a vibrator and butt plug in, so that I’ll be wet and horny and desperate no matter what I have to get done, so when he gets through the door, I’m throwing myself, begging for it, desperate

    Reply
  14. niya says:
    Thursday November 12th, 2009 at 8:47am

    If you ever figure out that coordination thing, let me know. We have the same problem over here.

    Reply
  15. Heidi says:
    Thursday November 12th, 2009 at 4:02pm

    I’m sure someone has said this and I’m sorry I don’t have time to read the comments, but slow cookers would solve all your problems! Check out the book “How to make love and dinner at the same time” if you need ideas.

    Reply
  16. Master's ~melly says:
    Tuesday November 17th, 2009 at 4:39pm

    i’m just chiming in to sway, about that bouncy thing? take out the frickin’ battery! seriously. i swear to god the baby will NOT miss it after the first couple of jumps, an dwith all the ruckus in the house, she probably doesn’t really hear it anyhow. so get rid of it.

    man i once babysat for this kid, and she had a walker (insert OMG dont use walkers! junk here) and it made this weird beepy noise every so often, and had jingly bell on it.

    after two days, i was SO sick of it. so i turned it over, took a screwdriver, undid the supersecrit battery compartment and took the battery out. and then i pried open the bell and took the clapper-ball out of it.

    the kid was unfazed. i, on the other hand, was ecstatic.

    and seriously, you can’t be the ONLY one it bugs. get rid of the unnecessary noise. your fam all in one house prob has enough noise without ADDED decibel junk.

    your brain will thank you

    Reply

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