Ridiculous
I don’t know if I’m more bothered that I continue, after all this time, to make ridiculous grabs for control, or that he just swats it away with as much interest as waving off a pesky mosquito.
I had the most ridiculous overreaction last night. Not in the sense of pitching a fit or anything. But a couple of moments where, had I the ability to yank the collar off, I would have- and then likely chucked it at his head for good measure.
It was really over nothing more than my attempt to dictate the terms of the service I’m willing to provide.
Srsly. Just typing that makes me cringe. Ugh.
It wasn’t even important service. Nothing but a glass of water and the very *precise* spot he wanted it placed. Had I an ounce less of self-preservation, I might have dumped the water *precisely* in his lap. Instead, after placing it in *precisely* the spot he wanted it in, I informed him that “stupid shit like that makes me want to quit doing ‘this’”.
As if that’s even an option. “I quit. Taking my ball and going home. See ya later, tater!”
And over something so dumb! I might feel justified in my reaction if he were asking me to boil kittens, chop off limbs, abandon my kids, eat my grandma–
But no. I decide, rather late in the game I might add, that I need limits because he expects that I should put the glass on the coaster and not in his hand. THAT’S where I draw the line, by golly. Don’t anyone tell me I haven’t got my priorities straight.
I swear, it was in that moment, that ridiculous moment, when my collar tightened by about 3 inches. *At least.*
As I’m standing there (just slightly out of his reach because my momma didn’t raise no fools), with my hands on my hips (my ‘bitch wings’ as he calls them), glaring at him and mumbling about quitting, one might expect that he’d come unglued himself, and let me know in no uncertain terms that he’ll decide how service is done, and he’ll decide if anyone gets to quit.
Instead he just… flaps a hand. Waves it away. Snickers and says “sucks to be you, cunt”, and…. dismisses it. Dismisses me and my temper and my flapping and my glaring and my heel digging.
Somehow, that’s even more demeaning. Makes me feel even more ridiculous. My ‘reactance’ isn’t even worth acknowledging.
So I briefly considered ‘punishing’ him by going to the bathroom without asking. I mean, honestly, that’s the extent of my arsenal right there. I’ll show him how much freedom I have, by George. Just watch me pee without permission! That’ll learn him.
Except… even I know it doesn’t. It doesn’t do anything, it doesn’t matter. I won’t “win”, nothing would be accomplished. He’d react, all right, if I tried to ratchet things up, and certainly not pleasantly. And, in the end, I’d still have this collar on my neck, I’d still be putting that fucking glass of water on the coaster and not just handing it to him, I’d still not get to quit, only he’d also be pissed, and I’d likely be hurting.
Defeated.
That’s how I felt, and he hadn’t said a word or made a move.
This morning, I’m feeling ashamed. Stupid. Ridiculous. I don’t really want to “win”. I don’t want to be dictating service or ripping off my collar or any of that.
He has a knack for making me see the meaning of inconsequential. Even though I tend to take the scenic route to get there.
I wonder sometimes if he wishes he had one of those drooling-in-their-eager-to-please-edness, natural submissives.
That will probably never be me. I have rights, you know… ;-)
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday January 25th, 2011 7:49am
*snort chuckle* bitch wings…gonna have to remember that one!
sephani paige´s last [type] ..Red Handed
The only difference here is my Master likes to see the bitch wings. He gets a kick out of my sputtering and mumbling. So the “sucks to be you, bitch” comes with a sadistic laugh.
xantu´s last [type] ..Confessions
Sigh. WHAT is that in us that does that? I’m not in M/s relationship, but whatever that is or whoever that is rears it’s head inside of me, and I HATE it! You’re right, unless we cause a massive dust up, we’re the only ones that feel bad, and if we do, we just feel worse. Ugh!
“brought to you by the letters, b and s, and the numbers 911″
That’s why he’s glad he has you and not some drooling natural submissive. You are much more fun.
kellyred´s last [type] ..Kelly- the Imaginary Domme
Lol. Bitch wings. I’m gonna remember that one.
And I have been told that “those drooling-in-their-eager-to-please-edness” subs are really not as much fun as they may sound. I think the exact word was “boring.”
lil´s last [type] ..Sex- coffee- and chocolate
I did something similar myself recently, and of course after-wards I was all “why in the hell? what was I thinking?” Maybe the weather? Something in the water? I too hate that feeling of wretchedness though, and for me it seems to linger for awhile. :hugs:
“I’ll show him how much freedom I have, by George. Just watch me pee without permission! That’ll learn him.”
BWA HA HA!
Yes, you haz teh POWAH! OooOO! OOOOO! SCARY! ;) ahahaha
I overreact frequently and throw my arms about, etc., and receive similar non-reactions and feel similar shame the next day.
“bitch wings” is too perfect!
Such power you have.. hee hee
All this emotional response stuff is like cat nip to them… and we still do it :(
Master’s piece´s last [type] ..Fertility rights
Ohhh, gonna pee without permission. Next think you know you’ll be saying “oh yeah?!”
sin´s last [type] ..Sir
“So I briefly considered ‘punishing’ him by going to the bathroom without asking.”
oh lord. you too?
I have days like this way too often. And the dismissal sucks. Still, i think if He did anything else, i would -stand-my-ground too often.
Well it would appear I am a bit of a brat as well because my Master just basically ushered my ass to this post. IDK if He was rubbing in my face my attitude at times or trying to help to point out I am not alone – prbly a bit of both. Odd- it seems it is the little things that get under my skin out of no where. I am SO thankful I cannot pull my collar off as I had gotten pissed one day and took off my wedding band (completely immature but heh I was p.o.’d) and I remember the realization that hit me about the collar. I would have to walk my ass out to the garage (below 0 weather)and go through the tools to find an allen wrench that fit and who knows how long it would take to actually unscrew the damn thing. I realized that was too much work which made me realize that I was probably pissy about something stupid that was not worth all of that effort…
viemoira´s last [type] ..Chest Harness HNT
OMG I seriously laughed so hard I cried. Because it was if you were talking about me and my Owner. Yeah. I apparently enjoy making things more difficult on myself than they need to be sometimes. I…actually…( cringes a bit ) DID go as far as to find the allen wrench that fit and remove the collar, being pissy.It didnt change anything. All it did was make my heart ache when I found myself looking for it with my fingers and it wasnt there, In the end, He was and is still my Owner and I am still His property because the collar is wrapped around my heart, no matter how much I may hiss and act like a petulant child…even when Im in the wrong.
His Huntress´s last [type] ..Forevers