Rewiring the brain
I’ve been an at-home slave for 5 months now. Sometimes I lose sight of the reason that I’m at home and not back in the workforce. Master isn’t keeping me home so I can be an at-home mommy. I’m supposed to be training for the days to come.
Maybe it’s a parent’s natural tendency to step in and make things easier on the kids. Or maybe I’m “lazy” in thinking that it’s easier to do it for them than to battle them in making them do it. Maybe my kids are taking advantage of this new living arrangement and maybe I’m trying to make up some of what they missed out on before we got to this.
No matter what the maybes are…. this is not what Master had in mind.
My kids aren’t babies anymore. 14, 13 and almost 11. Why in God’s name am I cleaning their rooms? Why have they suddenly lost any and all responsibility for the pets that they wanted and promised to care for? Why am I packing lunches when I haven’t done that for them for years? The list goes on, things that they did independently not so very long ago. My day has become filled with household chores, which are part of being His slave, yes.. but not in the capacity of slaving to teenagers who’ve suddenly forgotten how to flush a toilet.
Another unexpected side effect of slipping so far under Master’s control has been that I lost some credibility as an authority figure to the kids. Not that I was ultra-strict before but it’s worsened considerably lately. It’s very very difficult to walk out of one room where I was just seconds before having my will obliterated by some task from Master to Authoritarian. In some instances, unwilling to draw attention to the fact that I’d just been crying, perhaps, or that I was not ABLE to comprehend what they were asking me, I’d wave them off with a quick “do what you want”.
And let’s take punishment. Theirs, not mine. As most parents of teenagers I’m limited on ways to punish them. I can ground them. Take away internet or phone privileges, the TV, etc. And all that does is make them that much more intent on paying attention to ME.
Since Master has started traveling again, these things about the kids are slapping me in the face repeatedly. Now the kids aren’t hooligans just yet. For the most part, they’re still fairly decent kids. I’m at a cross roads though, I think. Heading rapidly toward “it’s almost too late”. Especially for my oldest daughter. Master’s been trying to tell me for weeks and I kept missing His point.
I’m not here to play mommy. I’m not here to make up what they didn’t have as toddlers. I’m here to become a better slave because someday, I won’t have kids to make PB&J sandwiches for… but I’ll have a Master who had better be able to stick His big ol cock in my ass anytime He wants to. Who had better be able to snap His fingers and point at the floor and find me there in a nanosecond. Who had better be able to snap alligator clips on my nipples and cause me pain but not enough that I pass out and ruin His fun… or lock me in a box and NOT have me freak out so the neighbors call the cops. Who can feed me nothing but cum for a day or two and I’ll be grateful… who can pop His cock in my mouth and urinate in the middle of the night and not spill a drop on the sheets…. the things that I’m training for go on and on…. and THAT’S why I’m at home and not at work right now.
I’ve got a list of tasks that fill the entire day that the kids are at school. The hours that I would normally have been at work and not at home making beds and scooping litter boxes. And these tasks don’t include housework at all. It’s hours of butt plugs and ben wa balls.. nipple clamps to toughen them up… hours spent in isolation… starving myself, forced exercise to limber up, lose weight, gain muscle strength to learn to withstand hours of bondage. Jaw stretching, gag reflex overcoming. Following orders to the letters, being exactly where He tells me to be at exactly the time He tells me to be there, doing exactly what He tells me to do. Mind training, mind control… I’ve got no excuses, no outs. My purpose is to assist Him in turning me into what He wants. And He doesn’t want Super Mom. He wants Super Slave.
He’s not encouraging me to ignore my kids. On the contrary, He’s upset that I’m not stricter, more involved. I’m not teaching them to be responsible and independent. I’m allowing them to run His life and that’s just not acceptable.
Do you know that we almost missed this weekends play party because I didn’t know where my daughter was? The events that led up to her having the confidence to just up and disappear have been weeks in the making. (Turns out she went to the movies with some girlfriends, all innocent fun but not the point here at all). The tense feelings and mini argument between Master and I over that almost ruined the party anyway. And the whole thing has turned into a huge source of conflict as I spend the weekend that He’s home on pins and needles waiting for the kids to present more evidence of my “failure” as a parent.. which only heightens my “failure” as a slave. Because I’m not spending the entire day training myself to be His perfect cunt.. I’m spending it cleaning up my kid’s laziness, hiding their mistakes…. and trying to run interference between them and Master.
The entire process is exhausting me. The mental anguish of trying to please them all and not pleasing any of them is making me ill. When Master left this last time, I spent the entire next day in bed.. sick. I don’t get sick. I’m never sick. It was nothing more than stress-induced fatigue, I’m sure. Worsened by pms.
So… I’ve had to rethink things. Last night, while making a run to pick up one kid from a school function Master had tried to call.. the message said something to the affect of “you’ve got to do better than this, this is not acceptable”.
That’s been ringing in my ears all last night and all today… of course it’s acceptable that I go pick up my kid, it’s NOT acceptable that He didn’t know where I was. It’s not acceptable that He’s ever EVER wondering where I am. Barring a sudden trip in an ambulance somewhere, I’ve no excuse for not taking the time to call Him or send Him an email or something to tell Him where I’m going. When I’ll be back. But that whole line…”you’ve got to do better than this, this is not acceptable” applies to so many other things and I know it.
My days… Monday through Friday… from 8:30am to 3:00pm are to be filled with SOME aspect of slave training. No excuses. None. Zip. Zilch. Just imagine that… at any given moment between those hours I’ll be either in pain, or fucking myself in some hole with some thing. Right now, I’m sitting on the big butt plug. I just finished with the clothespins. I’m starving hungry and when I hit enter, I’m heading out into the cold to get some exercise in.
And at 3pm, I start mommying. I start the housecleaning part of slavery. And I get my lazy-ass kids to make their own beds.
~Master’s cunt
Tags: kids
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Wednesday January 25th, 2006 10:00am
kaya,
Your post this morning really touched me. I am a at home slave/mom too. I havn’t worked in a while and I also have the problem with a pre teen (10 year old) who forgets how to even flush the toilet or make her bed. I am also cleaning up her messes and dealing with some serious attitude lately. I find some days that it exhaustes me trying to deal with it all. I literally spend hours trying to get my daughter to do her homework. I really do enjoy reading other blogs with moms who are also slaves. I find they understand more of my life than other people. It’s a hard balance. Thanks for writing about it, kaya.
I totally understand.
padme
Ok, I’ve started a couple of replies to this one .. and they keep turning into long posts. I think I need to just do a piece on parenting in my world .. but until then …
Go dog go.
kaya,
I just wanted to leave you another message saying I mentioned you in my blog entry today. You really gave me something to think about this morning. Thanks for such a good blog post!
padme
reflections suck. but sometimes we learn from them and that’s really awesome. thank you for sharing about your revelations today. good luck with getting back to where you’re going.
~ fucktoy
While I’m not a mom, I can understand what you feel. You have a submissive personality – so do I. I think we both try to please everyone, which doesn’t work. A submissive must please one person – her master. It’s not your job to constantly please or submit to the wishes of your kids (or anyone else, for that matter). Especially when doing that interferes with pleasing your husband, the one person who deserves your submission. Thanks for the food for thought – definitely an interesting read.
-M
It just struck me, darling, that your master has given you something pretty amazing and wonderful: a clear vision of the rest of your life as his slave. And it’s a life that, as hard and scary as parts of it are, resonates in your soul, fills your deepest needs, makes you say *yes yes yes* with all your heart. (Please tell me if I’m wrong, babe, but I don’t *think* I am.) Most of us don’t have that, never are given that. Most people stumble through life and make it up as they go along, no plan, no vision, no leadership. I have part of it, and I know I’m so much luckier than most: I know who I love, what I am, who owns me, who I’ll belong to for the rest of my life. But my master and I are wrestling together with a lot of unknowns too; when to start a family, how many kids(!!!), where to live, how to make it all fit together with this strange and beautiful life, what our life will be like five years on, or ten. You know so much more about your life than I know about mine, mine is still full of mysteries. You know your kids! I haven’t even *met* my children yet. They’ll be his children too. Part of me is just dying to meet them. (I think he’ll want me to start making their acquaintance in a couple of years, tops.)
Sorry, I’m rambling, and this probably isn’t what you expected to hear, but I’m a little awestruck. It’s hard, what he’s doing to you, but it’s simple, too. Isn’t it? You know where you’re going because it’s where he’s taking you, and even if any given day sucks and you’re stuck in the swamp of daily demands and headaches and shit, you can still look up and see (I hope you can see) your master’s vision for you, getting a little closer every day.
Well, that got way too deep in a hurry, huh? I gotta go open my master’s wine, and you gotta go whip those lazy-ass kids into shape. Thanks for writing this, darling, even if I’m all wet about this stuff you always make me think (and laugh).
xoxoxoxo
Kids, teenagers, young adults
You probably didn’t read my today’s post, but it was almost about the same subject… My 20 year’s old is living with us since a year… and he is taking so much freedom or liberty, not sure which one is right to use, in the place…
As I wrote, I got up late this morning, to find the kitchen in a mess…
I was pretty upset… After I clean everything before going to bed and finding the place worst in the morning is killing me…
And he told me about his friend being murdered on her first night at a new ob in gaz station… what am I gonna say now?? I shutted up…
Later on, I asked Him to pick the little one to school, after my therapy, I was exhausted… and he was with a friend who have a car… He replied that he wasn’t in the mood at all… I got angry… Oh!! A friend you were not seeing much anymore dioed, and we have to stop live??? Good… just another very good reason to sit on your fat ass… What turned into an argument… him seeing me heartless and disrepectful… me thinking aout the little I ask him on a weekly basis that is never done by him anyway…
I thought about kicking him out… because he is taking advantage… We moved on december 10… he is not done with his 3 boxes… He is receiving friends after we go to bed… he is not working, not going to school… what ever we are asking him to do is never done on time…
I’m just lost… yes, those friends at home late at night are interfering in our life… yes, he is not showing any interest about living as a part of the family… Me and Him are pretty fed up… but I just don’t know what to do…
Sure… put the break while it is still time… I feel like I didn’t do it and that I’m paying a huge price for that mistake…
Good luck!!!
SeaRabbit
You’re doing great!
Kaya … don’t forget – you are a parent and a mother and that is by far the hardest JOB in the world and you have 3 kids. I admire your ability to be able to juggle so much in your life – something most people cannot do. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I have the utmost respect and admiration for the job you do!!
- Jani
(((HUGS))))
Kaya,
I read this in both places and the comments, I took it in and re-read it again. First I want to remind you that this is your journal and you can write what ever you feel. I also know with emotions things get bobbled. My first thought was that perhaps you were getting attacked a bit because you voiced some issues.
I have been around the same block, Kids etc. If someone hasn’t done it (I’m not saying anyone here!) its a very hard balance one we lost. For us I can become non-functional after a hard scene. I ramble and am also in the “Just do something” mode. I have wandered about the house asking for things not even remembering what I asked for. I know for us the harder stuff has to be at a time when he is able to help put me back together or during a time when I am not the soul parent in the house. So for the times he had to be gone we kept it lighter and made our dreams stronger of what we would have one day when it was just us, only us. Well, and the dogs LOL.
Any relationship comes down to balance and finding it. Everyones children are different. Kids run off and don’t tell, yes thats not ok…. expected BUT something I agree cant happen. Why do we do what we do, I do more because I want it done now!!, I’m not patient I don’t want the argument, I want it done so I can do what I want later on. I do more then I should. I need to remember I am training some day adults again a balance because they are still children with faults all of there own.They did not ask me to take them on this journey , They cant hear that I cant do this* because my endorphins have me all fucked up. I cant tell them that the streaks down my face were intentional, and warranted. Instead I protect like a mother, I say I stubbed my toe on THEIR shoes they left out again, and low and behold they pick the damn things up. They cant have mom injured what good am I then LOL.
You are on a journey sometimes it will work sometimes it wont. BUT you are entitled to speak your gut even when no one else gets it.
You are not a SUPER WOMAN. You were/are a mother-slave-amazing person each second of each day.
Trial and Error sweetie, and when you learn all the secrets do tell, so when I’m at this point I can see what worked.
In Friendship
tia-hislilstar
i don’t know if i have kids in my future…but your post makes me think about it. i’m sure it’s not easy to be a mom and a slave at the same time… i’ll take this chance to take a look to my future. Thanx and hugs,
schiava – http://schiava.blogspot.com
An at home slave! That’s just great *lol*
I am a stay at home mum and here in Sweden it is a very provocative thing to be and people often gets upset when I tell them it is what I am. Maybe I’ll just tell them I am a stay at home slave instead, that should keep them quiet :)
I want to spend most of my time serving my Master but with small children at home it is almost impossible. Sometimes I am so exhausted when Master comes home from work that He actually has to take care of me instead of the other way around.
That really sucks.
northerngirl
http://loveandsubmission.blogspot.com/
kaya — What you will do with what you are calling “rewiring” will not only serve your Master better, it will, ultimately serve your children. They are to grow to be not children but fully realized, fully functioning adults. To do that, they need to be able and confident people who know that they can take responsibility for the activities of daily living. It is not too much to expect them to handle the things that you are trying to do for them. You are sending them messages that convey that you think they are not capable of taking care of these details. How demeaning is that? You can assure your young people that you know they are good, capaple, responsible, growing human persons. To do that, you need to let go of your need to be “mommy.” Luckily, you have another role to fulfill. All that is needed is for you to fully make the transition with this rewiring. I wish you and all of them great good luck. You will all be happier and stronger when you make the leap.
hugs, swan