Reminder
The last couple of posts and comments have reminded me of something I wrote a few years ago. Rather than rewrite it, I’m just going to repost it because I’m lazy that way. Recycled rants are still rants. :-)
Edited a little to stay on topic:
~~*~~
I had a lightbulb moment. It started as a flicker but it’s grown into a steadily burning fact. I’m gonna go with it.
I quit. I quit the whole BDSM, Master/slave, dom/sub … thing. I quit.
I don’t GET it. I mean, really, it’s so simple now that I see it. All this time that I’ve struggled and argued and confronted and and and.. just.. gone on and on about this, that and the other, trying my god-damndest to GET it.. and I don’t.
But now I know WHY I don’t.
I’m not doing it! I am not doing what the BDSM’ers are doing. Nope. Not at all. I don’t even understand what they’re doing anymore.
I’ve been a square peg trying to shove my way into a round hole for ages and ages. I’m like the Rabbi at the Catholic convention, not quite understanding why he’s drawing conflict every time he opens his mouth. Because he doesn’t know he’s a Rabbi and not a Catholic.
So.
I am not a slave. I sure as fuck am not a submissive. I may have certain aspects of my personality that mimic those of your stellar slaves and subs. But on the checklist of BDSM-defined slaves and subs? Nope. Ain’t working.
I am a cunt. Nothing more and nothing less. As far as I know, there are no rules or guidelines or right or wrongs to cunthood. Only Master gets to define my cuntness.
See, I am in this state of cunthood for a reason. I came into this relationship wanting some very specific things. And, to top it all off, I not only think I deserve them, I demand that I get them. I demand that I get them OR I retaliate by withholding my own contributions to the relationship. Apparently, that does not mesh well with the slave board of ethics.
I’ve just gone round and round with it. I don’t GET how someone gets nothing out of a relationship. I don’t get why in the hell they would even sign up for that! Nor do I understand how it is that they *create* happiness out of it. Happy with nothing? Say huh? What the fuck does that mean!?
I am possibly maybe a masochist. I do not eroticize pain unless I do the paining to myself. Pain… hurts. A lot sometimes. It makes me squeal and beg and cry and try my damnedest to get away from it. That’s generally why he ties me up first. Because I’ll bolt, given the chance. He likes that too. He also likes that I crave and need and want and beg for exactly the sort of beating that I hate. Makes his job easier I guess. He’s not reduced to having to kidnap unwilling girlies from the street to scratch his itch. He has me. An unwilling willing participant to torture. A cunt.
Stoic, calm, submissive behavior during a beating bores him to tears. He wants reaction. He wants panic. He wants tears and snot and begging for mercy. Any attempt on my part to withhold such reactions only results in a harder beating and a very unhappy sadist. I’m not so sure that my fighting during a scene qualifies me for slavery. It seems like I should be graceful and silently grateful to be getting it. And um.. fuck that. It hurts. But it does qualify me for cunthood according to my made-up rules.
You know what else I don’t get? The whole spiritual movement in BDSM. I am not one of the cool kids who has reached that level I guess. To be honest I think y’all are making it up but I won’t tell you that because “just because I don’t have it doesn’t mean it isn’t real” and all. I know that so I generally extend the benefit of the doubt to you all. But in my secret bitchy place (which is not so secret but very bitchy) I think y’all are full o’ shit. (grins)
But that’s okay! Because as a cunt, I don’t have to be spiritual. I don’t have to be anything but what he tells me to be. The only worship I have to do is to a cock and the occasional stinky set of feet. And even at that I won’t be reveling in the privilege. I’ll be wrinkling my nose and telling him his tootsies are rotten.
I don’t have to find joy where there isn’t any. I get to frolic in the things that I hate with a passion. I get to have my “force fetish” scratched without it having hidden meanings of anything bad. I get to dance out of reach and sing “make me” and then run like hell, because he will make me and it will hurt.. and I love it. I get to say no and fuck you and kiss my ass and I get to be stubborn and willful and difficult. I get to cry and I get to say how much I hate it and I get to ask for something more and I get to tell him that he is wrong sometimes.
I get all of that, and more, because I am not a slave. I am a cunt. And cunts have different rules. So there.
So you see? Bitchy opinionated cunts have no place in the world of BDSM. What I want, where I’m going, how I’m getting there.. it’s all at odds with the way the rest of the BDSM culture is going about their business. This should mean that I’m no longer going to be told how I’m doing it wrong because I’m not doing it. Make sense? You can’t tell me I’m a bad slave anymore because.. hahaha! I’m not a slave.
I don’t submit. I don’t acquiesce. I don’t do anything of the sort. I offer myself up to be conquered. Overpowered, crushed, beaten, reduced and trampled. Repeatedly. It’s how we do it. It’s what floats our boat. A constant and ongoing process of trampling, up until, once and for all, it’s done.
When it’s done… you won’t have to listen to me babble about it. I’ll be squirreled away, taken out to be beaten and used and put away. Those are not the obvious slave aspirations, but they ARE cunt aspirations.
I am reinventing the wheel. *beams*
I don’t fit in, and more importantly, I don’t WANT to anymore. Y’all do your bdsm thing. We’re gonna do our thing. Now I just gotta come up with some cool acronyms and catch phrases.
~cunt
~~*~~
In the three years since I wrote that, nothing has changed. Though that was a fairly tongue-in-cheek post when I made it, it’s had more truth in it than I realized at the time.
I specifically chose THIS type of relationship. It doesn’t seem unreasonable that I continue to want this kind of relationship, nor am I ashamed of being vocal about it. It’s better than pretending to be happy with less.
Most of the time, I think he and I are pretty decent about meeting each other’s needs. Sometimes it’s me who starts to slip, and believe me, he lets me know it. He just doesn’t have a blog so y’all don’t hear HIS complaints.
When it’s him who starts to slip, I let him know, too.
And then I blog.
Because I’m a blogger.
Even as I’m blogging, he and I working it out behind the scenes.
I don’t think it makes him ‘unmasterly’ to recognize when things on his end need tweaked. He’s human. He’s not infallible. Sometimes he drops the ball.
I think the misconception here is that he picks the ball back up because I’ve demanded it. That is not true. I point it out because sometimes he doesn’t even realize it. If he knows it, and he’s got his reasons for it, he lets me know and I go back to waiting.
I will never be content to watch what we have die a quiet death. Not unless HE determines that it needs to– and maybe even then I’ll try and find a solution around it. I’ve (We’ve) worked too hard and been through too much shit to just give up on something that only needs a tweak to be happily functional for BOTH of us. That just seems silly.
I’ve watched people who felt it wasn’t their place to speak up for their needs turn miserable and bitter, and then declare this lifestyle “impossible. A myth”. I’ve watched people sit back, smug-like, saying it’s all on the Boss, blah blah blah, and seemingly enjoy the crash and burn.
He and I are in a relationship. It is not an equal relationship but we are equally responsible for its success or failure. Bet your ass I’m going to speak up when I see a crash heading our way. I can’t imagine doing anything less or WHY anyone would do anything less. It’d be a disservice to let it happen because he’s got his head turned and is enjoying the scenery.
Maybe all y’all see is me whining here and then he gives me what I want and then I’m happy again.
And?
I guess that makes me one lucky little bitch, that he cares about my happiness. :-)
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Sunday June 12th, 2011 5:43am
I just read this out loud to my Master. In so many ways it reflects what we seem to be doing here at this house. Whatever we have does not seem to fit into any of the square,round or whatever holes. I am not sure if I am a cunt… but I do know I am not a slave.
I said to Master that while I am pretty sure that we are not traveling down the same path, that I learn from you how to make the paths… and who knows, perhaps sometimes these paths may meet, intersect before they once again turn and head off in mysterious directions.
Great post… thanks.
xantu´s last [type] ..Serial Saturday NORTHWEST HUNTERS Book Two- Chapter Nine
Your relationship isn’t an equal one in some ways, and yet it is in others. And yes, I think you are both equally responsible for it in some ways. As you would be in any other relationship. You are a grown up, and if you want it to work out you have to help it, work at it. Good luck.
sin´s last [type] ..She
*claps*
I couldn’t agree more! My owner and I are the same way. I don’t fit in either. I get an opinion, a say. I get a small vote. He tries to make me happy just as much as I strive to do it for him.If something is wrong I tell him. I don’t “identify” as cunt. I’m a slub. Slave, sub and cunt mix I suppose. I’m one of those puppies that you just don’t know what the fuck kind of mix it is :)
serene´s last [type] ..Review – Love Essentials Kit – Vibratorcom
I am so stealing “slub”!
~another mongrel mix and happy to be one
Blogging gives readers the idea that they know every detail of your life rather than the fact that they only know what you write about. If you detailed every single nuance so that readers would have a more realistic view of your life, you’d be writing constantly and living never.
Sometimes, it’s a good idea to just sort of remind people that they don’t have the full picture. Your blog is for your thoughts and opinions and ideas. It’s what you share. No one should ever believe that you share everything, so when they start getting out of joint about the way you live YOUR life and how “WRONG U R DEWING IT”, they should probably remember that this is a glimpse through a keyhole, not a window or a door or a 24-7 webcam.
I’m just saying…
Ours is an “undefinable” and “undefined” changeable sort of RELATIONSHIP, and like you, I’ve mostly given up trying to squeeze into the boxes that are so tightly defined. I understand that most don’t understand me or us or Him, and I have come to terms with the reality that my words will likely never give the clueless any real comprehension. We have worked at this, and continue to work at it — through the good and the bad, we hang on to the connection between us. I don’t always get what I want or need, but I get enough to make me want to keep working at whatever this is.
swan
swan´s last [type] ..“I WISH” Sequel II- A Response To the Always Evocative Anonymous
I loved reading it the first time, and enjoyed the repost just as much.
All that matters is that it works for you guys…. I find the attitude of people who read here then feel that they have a right to criticize the way you live the life you blog about amazingly rude and arrogant.
I think this is great. I call myself a “submissive” but I really don’t submit… I prefer him to crush and conquer. I think there are a lot of people in BDSM who are like that and especially in non-BDSM circles like Taken in Hand. Good job to you for knowing what you want!
Sexperts´s last [type] ..Dominant Blogs
Raises my glass in a toast to the only other Owned and collared NON slave that I know. You know…besides myself.
His Huntress´s last [type] ..Forevers