Ready or not…
Jes and I were sitting on the couch watching America’s Got Talent (which should be changed to America’s Got Sympathy, cuz, talent or not, if you have a good sob story, are under the age of 10 or are petite and can lift up your 240lb hubby, we’re putting ya through, dammit.) when all of a sudden, she turns to stare at me, eyes wide.
“Next Saturday is July 4th!” she exclaimed, panic playing in her voice.
I had to think a minute. Where the fuck did June go?? But, indeed, next Saturday is July 4th. Her due date.
“You aren’t necessarily going to have her on that day.” I explained for the 15th (or so) time. “You could go a week or two past that. Or, you could have her tomorrow!”
“I know.” she said, looking down. She was quiet a minute and then she spoke softly to her hands. “I’m not ready.”
I bit back such supportive comments as ‘Gee, you should have thought of that about nine months ago!’ and ‘Too bad, chicka!’ I looked at her and realized that in spite of her gruff exterior and the huge chip that seems to be in permanent residence on her shoulder, she is just a terrified child.
So instead of my usual sarcasm, I patted her belly and smiled at her. “I don’t think any first-time mother is ever ready. It’s scary and it’s hard, but you’re not alone.”
She nodded and took a deep breath, blowing it out. “Physically I’m ready.” she laughed. “Kid is squishing my lungs.”
She really is getting quite uncomfortable; back pain, swollen ankles, can’t sleep, peeing every 30 minutes, Braxton-Hicks contraction– the list is endless– and oh-so-familiar to anyone who has ever been pregnant. She’s also very self-conscious about how big she is. For someone who once worked at being skinny and attractive, she feels like a, well, like a land-whale.
Just the other day, she was telling me how different it is when boys look at her now. How, when they can just see her face, they look interested- until the rest of her comes into view, and then they grimace or turn away or elbow their buddy.
That’s hard on a girl’s self-esteem. No amount of reassurance that your figure will come back is believable when you can’t see your toes and you’re seeing stretch marks appear by the day. 17 is an awfully young age to watch your looks change forever.
I told her boys are dumb.
Speaking of dumb boys, over the last couple of months, though she’s remained on friendly terms with the baby-daddy, and is still just as determined to have him be a part of the baby’s life, she’s seen what an absolute useless source of support he’s going to be. Time and distance leads to perspective, and because his other baby was born about 6 months ago and she’s seen how he is as a father (and I use that term loosely), she’s pretty well written him off as being useful. When I ask her what she sees in her future regarding him and a possible relationship, she very matter of factly shakes her head. “No. I don’t even like him anymore. He’s not very nice and he treats his girlfriends like crap. I don’t want that.”
So, yay for progress?
(Though let’s not get too excited about that progress. She’s still sleeping with him when she can. Apparently, he is just THAT good. Oy. Is she my daughter or what??)
Anyway, her nerves are on edge. She’s scared. We’ve gone over and over and over my birthing stories. She hangs on every single detail, she’s watched youtube videos of births, she’s googled, she’s read books- and none of that is going to matter a whit when she starts having contractions.
And she, especially, is so much not into pain. Of any sort. She’s never handled it well and as her mother, like any mother when they see their kid hurting, I just ache for what I know she’s in for. They don’t call it labor for nothing.
“I’ve never even held a newborn before.” she told me that night as we sat on the couch. “I don’t know how to change a diaper, I don’t know how to make a bottle. I don’t know what to do when she cries. I don’t know anything.”
This wasn’t the time to detail for her my own fears. Because as she laid out how much she’s going to be relying on me to show her and teach her, I’m slightly panicked that I won’t remember any of it myself.
But beyond being afraid that I won’t remember the details of baby care, is being afraid to care too much. Of being afraid that the lines are going to blur. I’m going to be too involved. By necessity I’ll be closer in role to Mom than Grandma.
I remember when I first divorced my kids’ father and had to swallow my pride and move back to my parent’s house with my kids.
I remember how my mother was unable to maintain the boundary between grandparent and parent. She, from the second I came in the door, assumed the motherly role. She took over, pushing me off to work, pushing me away.
I remember trying to bring it up. To tell her that she’s overstepping her boundaries, that the kids were mine and not hers, that I was Mom.
And, I remember how incensed that made her. How she’d scream “So! What is it we’re supposed to do here, Tess? Are we just supposed to do all this stuff for you and help you out and NOT have any say in things? Is that what you expect?”
While inside I’d be screaming back, “Yes. Jesus Christ, yes. That is *exactly* what I expect!” She would end her little rant with “Because if that’s what you expect, then you can just move on out. Right now.”
If I had other living options, I wouldn’t have been living *there*. So I said nothing and I watched as my kids became more her’s than mine.
Now, I find myself beginning the same journey my mother had; grandparenting in the parenting role. And I can see, I can understand much better, what she was thinking when she said those words to me. How DO you help without trying to control?
But I also remember how *I* felt, too. Helpless and powerless and frustrated and angry and resentful and and and… all because I needed help.
Needing help is not synonymous with helpless. I needed assistance, I didn’t need someone to take over. Jes will need help, a lot more than even I did back then, but I will not, I cannot, take over.
I’m getting a glimpse of how hard that is going to be. I am so in love with this baby I’ve never seen. I don’t know if I can maintain the distance I’m going to need.
Sometimes I’m envious of those grandparents who are able to experience this the “right” way. Where baby will not be in their house 24 hours a day, they can babysit for a night or a day, visit, and then go home. By sheer physical location, the appropriate boundaries are in place already.
I’m envious of those who can shop for a cute outfit for their new grandbaby without having to think also of the coming costs of formula and diapers. Without having to choose between that completely unnecessary-but-darling pink lace bonnet and the necessary new bottle nipples. I should be buying the cute stuff and Mommy should be buying the necessities.
Instead, I’m thrust into the parenting responsibilites- without the parenting rights.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. They’re already blurring.
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Friday June 26th, 2009 5:55am
Finally, I’ve had my kaya fix! I was getting all jumpy from withdrawal there for a while…
I think all those questions that Jes is asking now is the reason I’ve never wanted to have children. I just don’t have *any idea* what I would do if confronted with a new life that depended on me for everything….
Thinking about how ‘easy’ grandparents have it sort of made me think how easy ‘weekend bdsmers’ have it – have fun for a few hours and then hand back the reins and get on with life.
I’m sure you’ll be wonderful as a mom (grandmother) fourth time around
[rq=63616,0,blog][/rq]BDSM the Strine Way
It may be too late, but you might want to contact Planned Parenthood and see if they know where parenting classes are held or could direct you to some. Where they teach the basics of newborns, bottles, breastfeeding, basic first aid and the like. Having a bit of hands on experience will likely help Jess & you more comfy with the situation. I don’t know if she’s going to be nursing, but La Leche league probably could help out with that if you have one in your area.
The more competent she feels about things, the less you may need to step in and help.
Best of luck! I know you’ll make a great grandma.
Oh, I hope she’s nursing! Babies who nurse are so much healthier than those who don’t. There’s even research that shows that they grow up to breath deeper, are able to manipulate objects faster and speak faster and better than bottle babies.
My sister’s due date was July 5th….crazy random happenstance
However, my sister’s baby is breached so she has to have a c-section on Monday the 29th.
I wish you all the best of luck!
(And I think it would be super weird if Jes’s baby came at the same time my sister’s did)
I was only 21 when my first baby was born, and like Jess I had never even held a newborn. It is incredible how much you learn in a few short days!
And I wouldn’t worry about you having to teach her and forgetting what should be done – it is like riding a bicycle – it comes back to you. I thought I had forgotten everything in the 9 years between baby 1 and baby 2… but nope.
Good luck to you both though – I am sure there are some storms down the road that will have to be weathered.
I’ve stopped by a couple of times and commented on Jes’ pregnancy. I’m due July 21st, so I’ve enjoyed “sharing the journey” from afar.
I really wish my mom (and my Master’s parents) would understand their boundaries. I don’t think they do. Mom wants to be around the first week my baby is home — you know, just to make sure we don’t screw up because we’ve “never cared for a newborn before!” … Isn’t that the point of being first time parents?
And everybody seems to want me to go out and get a job the moment the baby pops out. While I don’t want to rely on the state and everyone else, I want to be a stay-at-home mom for a while and bond with my baby. I feel like going with an instinctive, “attachment parenting” style, and they just don’t get it. It’s driving me nuts and the baby’s not even here yet.
… So, erm. Sorry for the babble. I agree with Jes, though: I’m physically ready, but not completely ready for the rest of it.
I’m kind of glad she’s starting to write off the baby daddy. It doesn’t sound like he learned anything the first time around. And I’m sure you’ll find your boundaries with this little one. It just might take some trial and error.
omg, I had a thousand comments reading this and I started to cry. Babies are such an emotional thing. Of course she doesn’t know and we forget in between babies what it’s like having them, holding them for the first time, and then not sleeping, not knowing how to make things better. It’s the most confusing thing in the world isn’t it? And sometimes the most wonderful. Or the most frustrating. The most everything. Sorry… I think you hit a nerve. Congratulations gramma, I think you will know a lot more about how to be a gramma and the limits than your own mom did. Good luck to you and your daughter and granddaughter.
sin
while i don’t know you personally i have come to a few conclusions, the most important being you will handle this just fine. yep..i am sure there will tears and fights and blurred boundaries and no boundaries and stone walls, but you will come thru this with flying colors. jes will come out on the other end as a mother, and that new grandbaby will come out with the benefit of a grandma who loves her..what else can anybody want or ask?
hugs
I’m crossing my fingers & toes, hoping that somehow, someway you will find your way smoothly through this process.
I have two teens myself and by an unusual twist a few weeks back found myself holding a newborn. I panicked and didn’t have any clue as to what I should or shouldn’t do. – it had been soooo long.
Definitely whispering a prayer for you.
Hugs, Elle
My daughter, now 27, has been desperately trying for a baby the last 2 years, as she goes from one hospital appointment to another with her husband and counts away the months between appoinments before she can get the next stage of treatment her heart breaks and she sobs down the phone to me about how abnormal she must be and how desperately she just longs to be a mum. It breaks my heart trying to comfort her and reassure her that maybe one day it will all just happen and everything will fall into place. Wether your child becomes pregnant at 17 or is still struggling to or maybe never manages it, as a mum its hard to sit by them, knowing you cant solve every problem their own womanhood is forcing on them. Good luck to you and Jes and the baby all any of us can ever do is our best.
I think you will do great.
My one piece of unsolicited advice: you’re not a grandparent in the parenting role, not really. Jes is almost 18. You’re a grandparent in the grandparenting role.
Your situation isn’t so different from a mom who comes to stay with her daughter when her daughter has her baby, except that, um, you’re financially supporting her and it’s your house and oh, yeah, you’re not leaving anytime soon. But what they say still applies–you should try to take care of Jes so she can take care of the baby, not take care of the baby. That was what was wrong with what your mom did, right? She pushed you aside and took over being “mom” and treated you like a source of income for your kids.
Moms learn fast how to feed and change and hold and all that stuff–especially when they have to do it. She’ll do fine and you will too.
Good luck to you guys,
[rq=63865,0,blog][/rq]Chez Robert
(delurking)
This brought tears to my eyes…Jes and her fears, your fears…her instinct will kick in, you will step in to familiar shoes to help coach her and you will all fall deliriously in love with this little baby.
Congrats and Good Luck!
Awe Kaya, you made my eyes all teary. I’m so excited for you and Jes, for the happiness and joy that new babies bring.
You will be surprised how fast everything comes back to you. And Jes, I’m sure will pick up everything quickly.
Have you checked with WIC yet? They provide formula for non-nursing mothers that financially qualify for the program. I’m guessing Jes doesn’t make more than the limits allow. LLL is great for nursing mothers support and ‘training’. Some hospitals, LLL and I think WIC even helps with renting/borrowing a pump as well if that’s a route she is interested in.
Props to you for being a great mother to her. For supporting her and your comfort to her worries.
*hugs*
I imagine at some point in her reasearch she’s encountered the benefits – physically, financially – of nursing. It can also help her lose the baby weight, might be worth bringing up to her.
[rq=64097,0,blog][/rq]The dark cloud on the horizon…
Breastmilk is free and can be pumped and cloth diapers (they have a whole new WORLD of dipes beyond just prefolds and pins now) are a hunk of money in the beginning but last much much longer. Just a thought, since it makes baby-having cheaper. (I think I diapered Asher for, oh…less than two hundred dollars.)
Try, if at all possible, to not stress too much. Jes’s maternal instincts WILL show themselves, at least a bit. And your baby mojo? It’s just dormant. You won’t have forgotten. You won’t even realize you remember until down the road you go, “Whoa. I was stressing about that?” What I mean is…you guys will be fine. Because that’s just how you are – you work with whatcha got.
*Big hugs*
[rq=64125,0,blog][/rq]Public Post
Okay, teary here about Jes and the changes you see in her. This is growth and that’s always a good thing although growth is almost always painful too and it’s so hard for you to watch her hurt, I know.
As for grandparenting, I have a solution:
Get a piece of duct-tape. Apply it to your mouth.
Leave it there. AHAHAHAHA!
I’m only half-kidding; even with my daughter giving birth the first time at 31, it has been incredibly hard for me not to interfere.
Know that you are fortunate that you remember your mom’s actions so clearly and how much you disliked that; this will help you avoid doing to Jes what she did to you.
And I’m always here if you want to write me privately; I am also a new grandma and I also struggle with boundaries.
We can lean on each other, right?
{{{{{{{{{{hugs for you and Jes}}}}}
OH! I forgot to say that at 17 her labor is very likely to be fairly easy considering it’s her first. As far as her body goes, her chances of coming through childbirth with minimal pain/trouble/time are excellent!
You’re all going to love this baby and the baby will enrich all your lives; you, Jes, everyone.
[rq=64261,0,blog][/rq]Growth
I’m on the edge of my seat wondering if your silence today means she went. So shoulda gave you my number. *nods*
[rq=64370,0,blog][/rq]Babble is My Middle Name
Unfortunately, distance is not always a guaranteed boundary maker. My brother and sister-in-law have had to deal with BOTH my mother AND my grandmother trying to interfere and take over from them since the day my nephew was born. I hate watching it. It’s already causing huge issues in his behavior and it’s only likely to get worse as he gets older.
The only thing I can tell you is consistancy. With you being that close to them, being an active part of the process of raising and (as the baby gets older) disciplining, you can’t afford to be the “spoiler,” at least…not until she moves out and you’re not an integral part of child care. That’s my brothers problem is that they both watch the little guy so that he doesn’t go to daycare. With all of those people watching him though, all (except his parents) wanting to spoil him rotten…the poor kids getting confused!
It’s taken me 20 minutes to read the comment, seeing how I have to keep getting up to tend the Beastie.
I feel pretty confident in saying yes, you will get attached … but you will count your blessings time and again she isn’t yours. They are exhausting and interfering, no matter how much you love them. I’d chew off my own arm to save Jonathan, but man, some days I wish I could hand him back to someone. Any one. Just for fifteen minutes.
Like now, because I have a ton to say, but he’s demanding my attention (by trying to destroy my printer. Oh wait, now he’s going to unplug the cable …)
All the love in the world to you both. You’ll both do fine.
:-*
Kaya,
You’ll respect those boundries better than your mom because your weren’t respected. The desire to “not be like so and so” is a powerful motivator. I’ve lived with my roommates through two childbirths and even being a simple unrelated uncle Dave can be hard on the boundry thing. You can do this, as can Jes. You might want to let Jes know your struggles, and enlist her help in keeping those boundries in place, assuming you think she’s up to that.
Dave
Oh! Just thought of a funny story that might make you giggle. My friend had a baby girl about 4 years ago, and after about 6 months started to work for her mom & step dad and her mom watched the baby. After 2 years of that, she stopped working and became a sahm. And found out just how spoiled her daughter had gotten by hanging out with grandma all day, everyday. Whatever she wanted, she got. Icing for breakfast. Naked all day. Nothing but movies and sugar and playing. So now grandma is limited to one day a week to have the child. All this to say, grandma has a hilarious nickname now. “Perma-womb” lol!
Don’t be a perma womb and you’ll be fine!
hey that sounds awesome! Icing for breakfast and naked all day. Who wouldn’t love that?
sin
I know right! I want a perma womb.. so warm and cozy.
First off I don’t think anyone who has ever been responsible for a child will “forget” how. And while I may not have children of my own, I had a hand in raising my oldest niece and nephew and of course, the youngest and some of those in between.
Poor Jes. I can imagine how she feels because even at my advanced age *I’m* not ready for children. At least she seems to be gaining a little insight.
Take care of yourself. Because if you don’t take care of YOU, you won’t be able to take care of her. Hang in there.
so many of your concerns and worries mirror my own with my new grandbabies. because the mom of the twin boys had no father (my son, the father died) i wanted to help her out as much as possible. i wanted to do the boring things like cooking and washing so she could have time to bond with her baby boys. (i never felt i had time with my own babies)
but it didnt really work out that way. i ended up in the mom roll and she ended up still being a teenager. but there is just overwhelming amounts of work to be done with twins , there was time to disect what was going on. somehow it seems more than twice of one baby? we never came to blows but i knew it was unhealthy. she didnt seem to act like they were her babies at all. so after 6 wks in NICU and 6 wks in my house, she moved out on her own. This is when she really began to grow up and bond with the boys. Im very proud of how she has taken on the huge role of mommy of twin boys.
now i get to be granny and get lots of time with them. all in all its so much healthier, but in the early days we were just swimming to get by and we made it.
You DONT forget how to take care of babies. it must some genetic programming or something.
itll be ok!
Hi,
I know I’m late to the party on this one–
But I’ve been quietly reading your website and I really like it a lot. You are one of the few blogs I’ve seen that really captures the true dynamic of a 24/7 relationship. Thank you for all that you write and share.
I am 21 years old and had my son when I was 18. Everything that your daughter is (was?) feeling, I can totally share in. I hope the birth and all goes well. I was 125 lbs before I had my son and popped all the way up to 180 by the time I was 9 months along. (He was born on July 3rd!
)
It took 2 years, but I am finally heading down towards my pre-baby weight. It’s hard, but she’ll be amazed at how quickly it drops off soon after birth. And I did all that research that she’s been and you’re right; it didn’t mean shit once water broke and the party began!
Again, thank you for sharing your blog and I hope your daughter’s birth goes safely and semi-painlessly.