Quid pro quo, Clarice
I’ve been thinking about the notion of ’quid pro quo’ as was mentioned in the comment section a few posts ago. In a way, that’s definitely how things work for me. For us.
It’s not *exactly* how we work though. ’Quid pro quo’ generally refers to an equal exchange and things here certainly are not always equal, but there is an exchange of services. It’s not always perfectly balanced. And it’s not as simple as “well, okay Master, now that I’ve sucked your dick, you have to give me my reward.” because that sort of direct approach might earn me something all right, but it sure as fuck would not be a reward. ;-)
It’s much more subtle than that. It *is* an expectation. I expect to get some payback for the “services” that I provide, even if the payback is nothing more than a pat on the head and a “good girl”. What I don’t expect is nothing. What I don’t ACCEPT is nothing.
Maybe it’s because I value myself more than I should for being just a lowly cunt object. Maybe I have an over-inflated sense of entitlement. But regardless of the reason, I’m in it with the expectation of getting something in return.
I’ve likened this before to getting paid. You wouldn’t continue to work for your boss if he neglected to pay you. That’s a very non-romantic way to look at the quid pro quo-ness of O/c (Owner/cunt instead of M/s :D ) but it’s easily understood I think. I don’t draw a paycheck from Master but I do get “paid” all the same.
I get attention. I get pain. I get random acts of depravity. I also get love and companionship and friendship. Intermittent periods of being ignored, being left to wallow in want and need, moments of isolation and moments of more ’attention’ than I really bargained for (grin). I get sex and lots of orgasms balanced out with times of being used as a sex object without regard to my sexual needs.
All of that, plus more, is my payback for providing services for Him. I don’t do those services with a pure heart or out of some bottomless well of kindness. I don’t do them because they make ME feel good. I do them, generally with a grin and a beating heart, because I know I’m *earning* something nasty. Something wicked this way comes.
Lots of times that balance leans heavily on my part (I think). I provide much more service than I get paid for. We don’t have a pay scale set up. Nothing as cut and dried as getting two swats for doing the dishes or anything like that. It’s definitely done entirely at his want and discretion. There might be a month of no pay at all while I continue on with my merry maid service (and merry slut service), and then perhaps a weekend of reward. Or, he might spread the reward out evenly for several days. What I can bank on (pun intended) is knowing that at some point in time, he will balance the scale out. One night of intense play can very well carry me for two months of service.
There are times, though, when the well runs dry. When service is no longer this well-oiled machine, but begins to grate and clang and scrape on dry bearings. Payout can be few and far between when the mood strikes him (or doesn’t strike him, as the case may be) and I react to that. I am not expected to timelessly carry on as if I am still getting paid. I am not expected to draw on some internal sense of submission to continue on without his input. Though I understand that the scales tip heavily on me, at some point it will topple over and come crashing down if he doesn’t provide some counter balance.
The important thing is that he understands that too. He knows I’m not built to run on nothing. So whatever it is that he wants from me in terms in service depend entirely on what he is willing to pay out.
That seems at odds with my other strongly held belief that a Master is not required or obligated to provide any sort of service for his property. It’s not though. I don’t, for one second, think that Master is obligated to pay me or use me or reward me for anything. And there are times, many many many times, when he doesn’t. When he watches me hit bottom, and enjoys it. Because I don’t promptly demand my quid pro quo. I do my best to get it when it’s doled out and to make do with whatever reserves I have. I will spin on rusty gears for a long time before imploding.. and he likes that. A lot.
So what would happen should he choose to let me continue working on a dry well? If he chose to never reward me again? I don’t know. Maybe I would find that elusive place of creating happiness out of nothing. Maybe I would sink into a chemical depression due to sudden withdrawal of endorphins and adrenaline. Maybe I would lose all inclinations for power exchange and masochism. Maybe someday I’ll find out. Some days I think I’m very close to finding out. We go through some wicked dry spells now and then.
But I keep the faith that we’re still operating under the quid pro quo guidelines. I perform my services and he’ll give me my reward for doing so. I expect it to continue in this vein for quite some time. I’m involved with someone who is invested in my future, forever. What we do together has to please both of us. For now.
I don’t think that will last forever though. Keeping the balance now is necessary, one day it won’t be. We’ll see what I think of quid pro quo then. :D
~cunt
Edit: I almost forgot. Master read my quitting post.
Sometimes, I think I write something really profound and I hop around impatiently waiting for him to read it and I just know he’s going to get all excited and agree with my profoundedness.. and then he just doesn’t. He just… doesn’t. At all. He just says “you didn’t quit.. so quit THIS… and you’ll still call me Master or Sir. Understand?” and that’s it. Like.. I feel so dismissed. *pathetic sigh*
Tags: M/s rambles
Thursday February 21st, 2008 12:11pm 
I’m sometimes thinking I did something brilliant, perfect, amazing and he just gives me that look of “and???” like its “nothing” or he is dismissing the insignficance of it to his life – its the control thing AGAIN – you’ve quit the “labels” but you’ll never quit being “you” which IS perfection in your M’s eyes.
Master and I seem to operate on a “I-get-off-on-pleasuring-him” vibe and vice-versa. So, often, we’ll hit a feedback loop that can go on for quite some time?
Quid pro quo? I suppose, but in a good way!
i almost wish i could do that Quid pro quo thing. It just doesn´t work for me :(
If He gives me something only because i need it, it doesn´t work. It gets worse. Blahh.
i am happy for you though :) You sound like such a happy cunt these days!
~sommar
Crap..that was me wanting to talk about it before…and now i have to go back to work…slaving for the man…so i can’t read this now…DAMN!!
Be back tonite!!
~nik
“That seems at odds with my other strongly held belief that a Master is not required or obligated to provide any sort of service for his property. It’s not though.”
Not at odds at all.
He’s not “obligated” but you have an understanding, a compatibility.
He knows how things work best for the two of you and indulges you (and himself) with payback for service – because he enjoys those things too. He’s not “just” doing it as payment for what you do.
It’s just…
Part of who you are as a pair.
Oh…
and I never really thought you were “quitting”.
Just giving up on trying to fit in with those you don’t fit in with.
More strongly doing it your own way and refusing to feel bad because your way isn’t the most blogged about way. :)
Of course you’re still going to call him Master. You’re just not going to feel like you shouldn’t just because you and the Main Man do it differently than M/s couples a, d and j.
Am I making sense? I just KNOW I’ve slid off into rambleville….
He just says “you didn’t quit.. so quit THIS… and you’ll still call me Master or Sir. Understand?”
see, just like i told ya in the email i sent you…lol. i tried to warn ya! lol.
hugs, Hisflower
Interesting post Kaya. I don’t mean to sound critical, but sometimes you really sound like you don’t like where you are going with this life. Perhaps it’s just me and I haven’t been reading you long enough to really know. Sometimes you sound so very happy, other times- totally miserable. Of course life ebbs and flows, but this is different and I can’t quite put my finger on it.
I don’t want to sound judgmental, nor do I want you to think I’m saying this is “wrong” for you. Just that it’s interesting to watch and analyze your patterns.
I do think I might use your site as part of my thesis though. You illustrate beautifully exactly what I am trying to get across with it.
Sometimes misery is exactly what a masochist wants and needs.
Part of the necessary circle of our lives.
The things we love to hate aren’t always physical nor do they necessarily manifest themselves in ways we’d have asked for them….
Exactly….
I’m going to address this in a post. :-)
I hope upon hope that I didn’t come off wrong to you. I am trying to understand and absorb, not judge or be critical. Just trying to make sense of this life of yours. I believe it live and let live, very much so. I tend to analyze and dissect what I don’t understand.
Certainly your life is interesting. I wouldn’t want to live it, but it’s entertaining to watch you.
Hi Lisa – you’re writing a thesis – what’s it about? I’m in the middle of a dissertation too, it’s from a language perspective as I’m doing a writing degree.
(Kaya, hope you don’t mind me using your blog for some academic networking!)
this seems to be a subject people don’t want to get too close to..and want to lay down judgment of you for speaking your mind..oh, well..
i do agree it’s a hard one to wrap the mind around..particularly if we have some romanticized ideal of submission or slavery or D/s or cuntness “should” be. i believe that is why the post (which i still can’t find! it was in a not too long ago Dom blog) real stuck in my mind and why i brought it up here…not to stir the pot, just to help me make sense of my submissive nature, which my owner defines as slavery, and still accept, that indeed i do have expectations. i think the difference *today* is that i don’t necessarily expect them all to be meet immediately…and one of the most important one’s is Master will “allow” me to serve Him. Which implies being present, making demands and maybe even feedback.
It’s the old “if a tree feel in the forest and no one was there to hear it….” Well, i think it’s the same way with submission or slavery….can you truly be a slave without a Master??? Or are there some who are “born slaves”…if so, i am probably not that sort of slave, because when i look into my true nature, i do see i have expectations and desires and i need Master to play them out..like Carrie so wisely points out…they don’t always get played out the way i want, but usually the way i need!
Thank you, kaya, for taking on this hard issue and again allowing me to examine my thoughts and embrace my own humanity..slave or not!
It’s seems to be a shameful admission, but I don’t know why. What is so shameful about admitting a need? It seems for some that making that admission means knocking yourself out of the “slave of the year” contest. That’s crazy.
i’ve been trying to figure out why these thoughts have been so hard for me, and i think it’s (in part) because coming to this realization (and it really was a realization for me) went against what i had accepted as fact for myself. In my ‘story’ i was the girl who wanted to serve. i wanted it to be ‘all about him’. i needed that ‘it’s not about me’ mentality.
It’s been hard for me to realize that i need it to be ‘not about me’ when it comes to being coerced (forced to serve, humiliated, hurt, used, etc), but it’s definitely not all about him. i don’t know why that makes me feel bad about myself, but it does.
It’s hard for me to admit that i’m not who i thought i was.
:: it’s hard for me to admit that i’m not who i thought i was. ::
this is SO true!! oh my god, it’s so easy to thinkk, “i’m gonna be the PERFECT slave! i’m gonna be TOTALLY dedicated ONLY to His needs! His needs will BECOME my needs! His wants will BECOME my wants! my needs will TOTALLY disappear, because i will be completely and utterly HIS!!”
and then sittin gback, going, “you know what, i have needs that He completely DOES NOT HAVE, and i actually really expect Him to .. kinda.. you know.. take care of those, every once in a while, because.. you know.. i kinda really want Him to .. um. CARE about me! OMG! this makes me a FAILURE!!”
kaya’s “i QUIT!” (for whatever reason she may have said it initially) definitely has a kernel of reality in it. each of our dynamics are alltheri own, and the problem isn’t us failings. it’s us thinking that we have to live up to some perfect image of a whateveritis we clal ourselves, either externally defined, or our own definition. really, all we have to do is what we ourselves know to be right for US.
and sometimes it’s really hard to realize that what we ultimately know is RIGHT for ourselves may not be that mental image we originally set as a standard for ourselves.
gods know i’m not the slave i thought i would be inthe beginning. i’m certainly not the submissive i thought i was striving for. but i AM what works for both of us.
it sucks for us to feel like it’s a crappy thing to say, “i want things too.” like kaya said, it sucks so much that we seem to lavel those thoughts and admission as shameful.
for what it’s worth, i think the both of you are deserving of “slave of the year” awards. as are many other folks here.
so there, i AM slave of the year. i’m HIS slave of 2008. there. i win. and YOU’re slave of the year 2008! you win!
kaya, you’re YOUR Master’s Slave of the year, for 2008 . You Win, too! yay!!
i need a tiara now. or is that a bit much? *grin*
~melly
i really, really ‘get’ this. For reals.
*hugs*
Hi again, i read a thing on TSR today which got me thinking of this post.
It was Ravenkaldera who said (snipped)
“In the Service workshop that we teach, we talk about there being three motivations for service:
1) Transactional. I’m doing this so that you will give me that.
2) Devotional. I’m doing this because I love you so much, and think you’re so wonderful.
3) Positional. I do this because it’s who I am, it’s part of my identity so deeply ingrained that I’d do it anyway.
(You can credit Joshua for these labels and divisions. He has a very analytical mind.)
All these motivations are useful, and one can have two or all three of them going on whenever one is being of service. However, “positional” service is rather the hallmark of the sub on the far end of the service vs. control continuum. It’s part of their identity.
I can well see how, to someone whose main motivation is devotional, that the other two motivations might look mighty cold and emotionless. However, I’d say that there are emotions going on there, they’re just different ones.”
i believe you would fit into the transactional group. Maybe it´s part of why we slaves/cunts/pets often doesn´t understand eachother; because we have very different motivations for what we do.
Just a thougth.
You can find the whole thread here: http://www.slaveregister.com/boards/service/176782/
i hope you are having a marvellous weekend :)
~sommar