Q&A-Number Idontknow
What’s YOUR thoughts about becoming a grandma? Is that what you will be called, or do you have another pet-name in mind? How many weeks is she?
My thoughts are a mixed bag of positive and negative.
On the negative: Of course I wish she wasn’t doing this NOW. I’m worried about her, her future, her baby’s future. I’m not sure what kind of mother she will be because she is so incredibly immature. She also has other problems unrelated to immaturity that haven’t been addressed yet and I worry a great deal that that’s going to affect her child if she doesn’t address them.
I’m concerned about finances. Right now, we’re footing the bill for her prenatal care, we’ll have to pay for her hospital birthing bill, and we’ll be footing the bill for everything the baby needs – for who knows how long. The baby’s daddy is as worthless (so far) as my ex is. I see history repeating itself and it makes me feel like a big. fat. parenting. failure.
The money leads to resentment. To be fair, Master, who is the only source of income for the entire house, is being extremely generous concerning this whole ordeal. However, he’s feeling the strain. Of course we’re worried about the economy. I don’t think anyone should be too comfortable in thinking their employment is completely safe, you know?
In the privacy of our own room, away from little ears, he expresses to me some amount of resentment, and he’s perfectly justified in feeling that. He’s not only not Jes’s father, he’s not her baby’s father, either. It’s not fair to him– but he loves me, he loves her, too. And he’s stepping up, again, where other men won’t.
I’ve asked more than once about going back to work myself and he keeps telling me no. That’s not to say it won’t become a necessity at some point, but for now, it only seems to make him upset. He says that it’s not right that I should go back to work, that we should have to interrupt or change our life, when she’s the one who got herself knocked up. He says we’ll tough it out as long as we can and that she’ll be getting a job as soon as she is able to.
But, knowing that he’s under that kind of strain does create a little bit of resentment from me toward her. Especially because she doesn’t act appreciative *enough* of the sacrifices he’s making. I don’t know exactly what I expect her to do or say, nor am I expecting groveling or anything like that – but Jes possesses an irrational “entitlement” syndrome.
I’m also very fearful for my heart. I’m afraid to get attached to that baby because there isn’t a single piece of me that thinks Jes will stay here for any longer than she has to. And it’s going to rip me to shreds when she goes.
Because, try as I might to not do this – I am already hopelessly, head over heels in love with that baby bump. Enough so that I’m sitting here in tears as I type, just thinking about holding it, rocking it, watching its little rosebud mouth, touching its downy little head, stroking its smooth flawless baby skin. Tiny fingers, tiny toes, tiny smiles.
What’s not to love??
But loving it and then losing it? God. Pain. And not the good kind.
Covering all of that negative stuff, though? Drowning it all out (for me anyway, probably not so much for Master) is excitement. Joy. Impatience. Happiness.
I’m going to be a grandma! There’s going to be a baby – a tiny extension of my own baby. I never knew emotions like this existed and she hasn’t even had the baby yet! I am already so sucked in, so smitten with what is coming that I have to keep reminding myself to be calm. I’m already giving myself pep talks on how NOT to be a grandma.
I’m shopping for it, of course. She doesn’t know the sex yet, but she’s already got a whole pile of unisex sleepers and blankets and onesies and socks. Come summer time when rummage sales start? I’m going to be a baby shopping FOOL.
I can’t wait to see what kind of grandpa Master will be. Personally, I think he’s going to fall just as much in love as I am as soon as he sees it. Right now, he’s very much removed from the process. But that first toothless slobbery smile aimed at him? Yeah, it’ll be game over. :)
She is 24 and a half weeks along and I am perfectly fine with being called Grandma. The kids are already calling me that.
Everything will work out because it has to. Because I said so. Because there is no other option.
Baby’s coming whether we’re ready or not.
I think it’s a girl, btw. :-)
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Friday March 13th, 2009 7:19am
He or she already has itty bitty taste buds!
Oh Kaya, my heart goes out to you. What a mixed bag of emotions you are having to deal with; you and Scott. Tell him he is an amazing person to be stepping up and doing the hard stuff where the baby’s father and grandfather will not. Go Scott. That is … that almost chokes me up; that he is so supportive. He must reallllllllllly love you Kaya. What a keeper.
I can’t say I can relate, as my eldest is going to be 21 in May and thus far hasn’t got a steady g/f even. He did have this one for awhile, but thankfully they broke up as she was only 15!!!! I’m like, “be carrrrrrefuuullll!!!” That scared me big time, lol.
I’m sure all will work out though. How exciting and wonderful, in spite of all the hard and scary.
He really is a keeper. I don’t know why he loves me so much or what I did to deserve him – but I sure am glad he does.
Thank you. :)
You obviously don’t have to answer this- but isn’t there a state assistance she can get on? Why do you guys have to foot the whole bill (I mean I know why she can’t)And if you already addressed this at some point, sorry! I missed it.
Another question- have you or Scott considered letting you work from home? At least then you would be helping out money wise, but from home. I could send you information on alot of web content writing jobs that you would be SO good at! And they are so easy!
I think it is so wonderful to hear how Scott is doing all he can to help. You have a truly wonderful man. And here is hoping that once Jess realizes just how hard a baby can be, that she will be all over you guys for help and support. Crossing my fingers for you.
Hey- if you need washing powder or whatever it was that you can’t find in one of your previous posts, I’d honestly be happy to mail ya some! I used your soap powder recipe once, and we have all the ingrediants in our stores here.
Basically, she doesn’t (hasn’t yet) qualified for assistance because most of the programs go by *household* income and we’re over the income level. However, after she has the baby, she’ll at least qualify for some of the state funded insurance programs that will cover her baby. We’re also hoping that after the birth, she’ll qualify for WIC. Right now, she doesn’t, but after the baby is born she’s considered her own “family unit”, even though she’ll live here.
I have checked out some at-home things. Most of them that I’ve found have either been scams, not worth the time it would take for the change I’d make, or required knowledge I don’t have. But if you know some, I’ll take links!
I think I’m going to order the washing powder online. Unless you think the shipping cost from you to here would be cheaper than online? I don’t know where you are so I can’t estimate the cost of mailing it. WHat do you think?
I really appreciate the offer!
Hey-
Just sent you an email with an attachment. It is coming from amalynn1974@yahoo.com- it will come up with the name Amy but thats just a psuedonym, lol.
Holly
What a mixed bundle of emotions you’re going through. You are a good mom and doing everything you can.
Keep your chin up Granma…
love,
junebug
kaya, i know everything will work out wonderfully for jess and the baby… and im betting she will ” grow up” really fast as soon as she holds that precious baby in her arms and her “self entitlement” will fly out the window…lol. ( i dont think its just her that is that way though- i think kids today as a whole have that “self entitlement” thing going on.. be it good or bad who knows, its the way they end up that counts i guess.)
you have a strong family unit- and that comes from you and your Husband…. it shows daily.. i think you are both “keepers”…lol.
my best wishes to all of you always…i know you will both be wonderful grandparents!
lots of hugs,
Hisflower
Scott is a good man, but I’ve said that before. :) Being a good provider and family protector is right up there with the rest of being a Dom, at least for me.
I telecommute 99 percent of the time for my job; it’s doable. Try Craigslist, monster.com, and don’t give up. Yes, it’s a bad job market but there are jobs still.
Your descriptions of your feelings for your little grandchild makes me worry about myself, though, even though I know I’m being silly. I do not have those deep feelings for my Lucy’s baby yet, not like what you’ve described here. But then, I didn’t have those feelings for my own babes until after they were born. I *loved* them inside me before they were born, of course, but I didn’t love them the way I did after they were born. The way you describe here. And even then, well after. I didn’t have that in-the-hospital-oh-my-god gush of motherly love right when they came out. Again, I loved them and I marveled at them and cuddled and kissed but I did not love them with the fierce, all-encompassing way I grew to love them within a few days/hours.
So I’m a little worried. Not a lot. This is apparently how I am. I wish I could feel those feelings NOW, though, damn it. :( But for whatever reason, before I can see, smell, touch the baby, it just isn’t real enough for me. Not yet.
Enjoy your feelings and emotions; it’s wonderful. :)
Don’t be worried! Lots of moms don’t love or bond with their baby until it’s ‘real,’ and tangible. I can only imagine that, with a young daughter and the difference in emotions from say, an older married daughter with a planned pregnancy, (not to mention the distance since you’re not the one carrying) that it could be even harder.
But really…who can resist a smooshy-faced, old-man-looking, soft newborn babe? It’ll happen.
*Hugs* to you, and Kaya.
Kaya,
“Baby’s coming whether we’re ready or not.” That says it all, doesn’t it? He or she is coming and someone has to be ready to take care of that helpless waif. As for why Scott’s stepping up and doing what’s needed; you said it yourself several posts back. Scott’s a real man. The baby’s father and grandfather are spuds with dicks attached. Real men do what needs to be done, whether they like it or not. In fact, the real test of being a real man is doing what needs to be done when you DON’T like it. Mark my words, when the baby says, “grandpa” for the first time, she’ll be looking at Scott, not your ex. In the same way, you’re a real woman as well.
Dave
Wow. A baby. A real baby in the house again. If I close my eyes I can still remember what a newborn baby’s head smells like when it’s tucked up under your chin. sigh.
Gah, all these comments are giving me Baby Rabies. Want. To. Spawn. *waggles eyebrows at Master* Fortunately for me I know better and got a Mirena. No spawning for me for a while.
I have a question for you, Kaya. :)
What are your plans after all your children have moved out? Is the “cunt in the cage”-plan still your future goal, or has it changed in some way?
ahhh..how wonderful and stressful these times are. Stay close and love your family–that’s all you can do.
Don’t try to imagine what Jes will or won’t do. Once you have a baby and see it for the first time, your priorities change—drastically. I know–because mine did.
Your Master is a gem!
I hope whatever sex this baby is, is that it’s healthy—but I think it’s a girl.
kaila
grace site.
very grace your site.