Q&A-5
do you ever have sadistic fantasies?
Yes and no. I fantasize about really elaborate sadistic scenarios, but I imagine myself on the receiving end. Most of them are impossible scenarios though. They defy the laws of physics and human ability.
I especially fantasize about CBT – which, wtf right? I don’t have a cock or balls to torture! Minor details, man, minor details. That’s one of my favorite masturbation fantasies, though. I *love* watching CBT porn and it’s just about the only porn I will watch.
I do not have any desires or fantasies to actually hurt another person. When I first discovered kink I had a relationship with a switch and did a bit of topping, but it just isn’t my thing. That experience is probably why I don’t have those fantasies. I’ve already tried it and didn’t care for it.
I was wondering when and where did you meet your Master?
I always have to carefully think about what year it was that we met because it feels like I’ve known him forever. Let’s see – this year will be our 3rd wedding anniversary and we were together for… shoot.. 3 years(?maybe 2) before we got married. And then we sort of “knew” each other for about 2 years before that.
We first became aware of each other’s presence in a bdsm-themed chat room. But we only chatted there as chat buds because we were both in other relationships at the time. (It’s weird to think back to that time from where we are now. There was no question that we were drawn to each other, but we never once were inappropriate. He was just so much fun to chat with and we bantered back and forth all the time.) Then we fell out of touch with each other because we both took a break from chatting for a while.
In the meantime, those relationships we’d been in had ended though we didn’t know that about the other. I had started chatting again after a few months but he never came back to chat and really, I’d forgotten about him. But he was still in touch with a girl who I chatted with, a girl who was his previous online sub actually, and she decided that we needed to meet. (waves to rinna)
She decided this based mostly on the fact that he and I had the same favorite ice cream…lol. That just cracks me up these days.
Anywho, she pretty much arranged the meeting. It wasn’t supposed to be anything more than a booty call. We were both still stinging from our fairly recent break-ups but he was passing through my area on his travels so we figured why the fuck not? A little pain, a lot of sex, do us both some good, right?
He was supposed to stay one night and he ended up staying the whole weekend before he HAD to leave. When I talked to rinna after he left I was already telling her that I could easily fall in love with that man, and she was all, No! No you don’t! Slow down!
I didn’t listen to her. Two months later we were living together and the rest is in the archives. ;-)
When did you have your first (consensual–I don’t want to assume anything) kiss? How did it happen?
I’m assuming you mean between Master and I and not my first kiss ever, right?
Um, that first day that we met, as I said it was meant to be a booty call. So I already knew we were gonna fuck on the first date. I was plenty nervous though, and very insecure, and I’d never even laid eyes on him before, nor he on me, so I was very much worried that we’d not even find each other attractive in the least.
We kind of came up with a “code” for the day we met to indicate to the other after laying eyes on the other, everything was still a go. I mean, it’s not like i was gonna say “Oh hey, yer ugly. See ya later, bye!” right? (Though he’s not ugly. He’s very attractive!)
Because it was all supposed to be dom-sub, he wanted me naked-ish. What we decided to do was this: I’d be naked under a flimsy little robe. (He came to my house, btw. I wasn’t slutting it in public) If he found me attractive, he’d say “So are you going to open that robe for me?” Or something like that, i can’t remember the exact wording. That was my cue that he was still on board with the plan. And if I let the robe fall open to reveal my naked self, that was my cue that I was still on board with the plan.
I know it all sounds so silly now, but we were young then! Young and clueless. Cut us some slack!
So he asked, I let it fall, and he swooped me up into a heart-stopping kiss. Which was the end of the romantic, awww!, stuff for a while. Cuz, then he hurt me and we had raunchy, rotten, nasty sex with lots of slapping and ouchy and degradation.
I was in lurve. *sappy sigh*
What has been the most difficult thing about the change in your relationship from M/s to more ‘nilla-y
I don’t know if this is going to make sense but the hardest thing about it is that it was so easy.
I mean, it’s almost frightening how easily it slipped into what it is. How easily we’ve accepted it, how comfortable it feels, how well we interact – the whole thing. It seems like there should have been a crash and a bang and a fight. But there wasn’t.
What I struggle with the most outside of him and I, is not feeling like I particularly fit in with the bdsm crowd anymore. I think my identity, especially in the online forum, was so wrapped up in posting pictures and recounting scenes and stuff that I almost feel like I’m out of my element these days.
It’s not that anyone has ever made me feel that way, it’s all me and I know that. I guess I don’t feel interesting? And I’m just waiting for someone to say it.
Stupid insecurities. Do we *ever* leave high school??
How many loads do you swallow a week? Of those what is the breakdown: bjs? sex finishes? other? What do you prefer?
I’m going to answer this from a typical time frame and not the present time frame of Master working himself to death. Because for right now and until he gets a day off, any kind of sex is sporatic at best.
Typically, Master orgasms at least once a day, sometimes two, occasionally more than two. But it’s safe to say once or twice per day, so per week anywhere from seven to fourteen times.
I swallow all of them, usually. He rarely doesn’t finish in my mouth. The only time he doesn’t end in my mouth is during period sex or messy anal sex. Otherwise, I think what *makes* him come is the sight of my open mouth waiting for it. (He really likes that. That just tickles me.)
I’d estimate it’s an even mix of blow jobs and sex finishes. Probably slightly leaning toward blow jobs.
I prefer the sex finishes, of course! At least I also get to come then. I don’t do a whole lot of orgasming during a blow job and it IS all about me, you know. ;-)
Im curious of when or how you made the transition from just “thinking” like Master’s slave to actually and honestly “feeling” like His slave?
Not without a lot of angst and tears and thinking we’d never get it right, that’s for sure.
I want to say that it started to happen when I stopped trying to turn him into my dream dom and instead, started working to become his dream slave.
Which is way easier than it sounds. I just think that we submissive type come into these relationships with so many preconceived ideas, things we read on this blog or in that forum or this yahoo group. All the ways it should be and how it shouldn’t be, what we should feel, what they should be doing, how it’s done right or wrong -
Just so. much. stuff. So much that isn’t based on reality, or that completely misses the point of who should be in charge. Its not like I think anyone should not have *any* needs or wants because obviously we all come into these relationship because we have needs and wants and we want them filled, right?
The question then, for me, was Can he fill those needs? I was sure he could. Then it was, But will he? And I was sure he would. Then it became Is he going to fill them his way and in his time or am I pushing for it to be done my way and on my time? That was a trickier question to answer, and a rather unflattering answer when I had to admit that I wasn’t letting go and I was still trying to force him to do it my way.
As for how I let go and how I ultimately found peace with it? An every day conscious choice to shut up, listen, do what I’m told, and please him. (That recipe for success courtesy of Kitten)
Do that long enough and it becomes your normal way of being. And it’s SO peaceful.
None of that says I don’t have bad days or moments when I lose it. I certainly do. I had one last night in fact, over a ridiculously silly stupid thing that I insisted I was right about and I just would not let it go.
The work never ends, it just can be easier. There is something profound that happens internally when you start finding pleasure in denying yourself what you think you *need* to have, only to find out that what you really needed was exactly what he gave you – even if that something is sometimes nothing.
~cunt
LikeTags: questions
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday March 9th, 2009 7:16am
Do I have to go back to the earlier entry to leave questions? Oh well! I refuse! I am a free spirit! I won’t conform! You cannot chain me to these RULES! Etc.!
*beams*
Anywho…
She decided this based mostly on the fact that he and I had the same favorite ice cream…lol. That just cracks me up these days.
While a sekrit (yes, online I spell secret as sekrit – it’s better that way, and you’re probably going to have to just trust me on that) part of me wants the answer to be vanilla, because lame, bad jokes are clearly the height of comedy… I’m really just curious. What IS your favorite ice cream? (Thank God for me, eh? Without me, you might have to answer real questions normal people actually care about!) I’m also going to feel ashamed if you’ve talked about it at any length before. BAD READER. SHAAAAAAAAME.
I have a question more then a comment…can you tell me how you get to lala land while in pain..I try and I try..just cant seem to get there..thanks
What I struggle with the most outside of him and I, is not feeling like I particularly fit in with the bdsm crowd anymore. I think my identity, especially in the online forum, was so wrapped up in posting pictures and recounting scenes and stuff that I almost feel like I’m out of my element these days.
I’ve never felt I fit in, not really. I’ve joined lots of groups and hung out on various blogs, etc. about D/s or DD or BDSM, but I usually end up leaving after a while. I mean, I’d find places where I thought I fit in but then after a while I didn’t feel I did anymore. Because we don’t do ALL of EVERYTHING everyone else does, or says they enjoy doing, I usually feel like an outsider. So it’s hard, because much of what I read I totally relate to but then there are so many other things I don’t, so after a while I feel like…dunno a voyeur or something. Or an imposter.
This morning Dan decided he wanted a blowjob before he went to work. I understood this when he shoved my head down to his crotch while we were cuddling, saying, “blow me”. As I started in, he made noises of pleasure and then grabbed my hair to move my head to the rhythm he wanted. All the while he called me degrading names, like whore and slut and stupid, smacked the back of my head for slowing down too much and he smacked my ass several times, until I finally started crying out a little with his cock still in my mouth. He laughed at that. Then he came in my mouth making me choke, then he petted me, told me “good girl” and told me to go make the coffee.
All very enjoyable and fulfilling on both sides.
During breakfast we discussed for the bazillionth time what tattoo he wants to put on me (this is an ongoing discussion that never seems to get resolved) a tramp-stamp that will say “Dan’s Property” or just “Owned”. Maybe “Owned by Dan”. I like all of those but then, it’s his decision in the end.
Now. Is all that vanilla or rough vanilla or BDSM-light or…? Frankly, none of it sounds kinky to me at all; it seems normal to me.
So…dunno.
And he hates the terms Master/slave and refuses to use them. So that doesn’t help me feel like I’m “fitting” anywhere, either. And we’re not “into” spankings or floggings or equipment and whatnot either. We’re into hair-pulling, face-slapping, choking, demeaning names. And I’m very much into the feelings of being submissive to him in all ways and reading about the way it makes other subs feel and I do relate to all that.
I know it’s my issue and nobody else’s. Nobody is saying “get out”! But it does make me sort of hang back and feel like an outsider sometimes. Even though that’s of my own doing.
Waiting for the answer to my previous question.
Another: What are 3 things that turn you on that are humliating to admit? Yes I know you’ve addressed that already. I missed the specifics.
i’m so-so curious. Come on now, it’s probably nothing we won’t agree with…
xoxx
i apologise for sneaking in but i was blog hopping and came acoss yours and have found it so incredibly interesting that i read pretty much every day ( so much for you waiting for someone to tell you you’re un-interesting right?.lol I can’t tell you how much you described everything i am feeling at the moment in this entry. i sat here nodding my head off and thanking God that i am not as insane as i thought i was. Thank you for letting me know that there are others out there who feel/fave felt exactly what i am feeling now.
“Not without a lot of angst and tears and thinking we’d never get it right, that’s for sure.
I want to say that it started to happen when I stopped trying to turn him into my dream dom and instead, started working to become his dream slave.
Which is way easier than it sounds. I just think that we submissive type come into these relationships with so many preconceived ideas…”
“The question then, for me, was Can he fill those needs? I was sure he could. Then it was, But will he? And I was sure he would. Then it became Is he going to fill them his way and in his time or am I pushing for it to be done my way and on my time? That was a trickier question to answer, and a rather unflattering answer when I had to admit that I wasn’t letting go and I was still trying to force him to do it my way.”
i am yet to reach this point however…. i live in hope..
“As for how I let go and how I ultimately found peace with it? An every day conscious choice to shut up, listen, do what I’m told, and please him.”
Thank you for letting me know that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel.
always, delight xo
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