“Power without abuse loses its charm”
(apparently yanked from a seminar about identifying healthy BDSM from domestic abuse.)
BDSM activities are ALWAYS Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Abuse is NEVER safe, NEVER sane, and NEVER consensual.BDSM follows established rules. Abuse has no rules.
BDSM is negotiated for the safety of both partners. Abuse is NEVER negotiated.
BDSM activities are used for mutual pleasure. Abuse is used to terrorize, frighten and control.
In BDSM, safewords can be used to stop any activity. If someone is being abused they cannot stop what is happening to them.
BDSM activities are about pleasure and being connected. Abuse is about power and control.
KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
You know what I feel after reading this? Defeat. It’s pounded so hard and so often that what we have, what we’re doing, isn’t right and it isn’t healthy. Declarations like that create doubt and worry.
No matter how secure or how happy I am in my relationship, or how much I enjoy and thrive within the dynamics Master creates I read so many of the above lists and a little niggle starts in my brain. Maybe I am being abused. Maybe this isn’t healthy. Maybe we aren’t doing it right.
Then I just get pissed off, at myself mostly, for succumbing to what is, essentially, peer pressure. I’m no better at resisting it now than I was in high school.
I don’t feel abused, therefore, no matter how much we deviate from the above list (and we do, on every point) I am not being abused. I am not “too stupid” to recognize the difference. Nor too cowed, too scared, or too brainwashed. I resent the implication that I am. Then I wonder if perhaps it’s true. Maybe I am too stupid. Does a stupid person know they are stupid?
It’s such a ridiculous cycle.
By some miracle (of ignorance, or of naivity perhaps) I wasn’t subjected to these sorts of table-banging, bdsm one-true-wayer’s in my early days of kink discovery. My exposure was pretty sheltered and I was lead, largely, by my own fantasies and desires. I shudder to think what would have happened had I been taken under the wing of a group or person who so thinly defined what are, and are NOT, acceptable practices in bdsm. I am grateful now that I was quite secure in who I am and what I wanted before being exposed to these people and places that try so hard to limit my world.
I know these sites and these publications are trying to do a helpful service. But I have trouble seeing it that way. Surely some other newly-kinky girl or boy is being trapped with the frequent preachings of what should be rather than being encouraged to explore and experience and discover. Surely they are too afraid to step out of the rigid boundaries the Safety Police have erected to know if other pleasures await on the “dangerous” side of kink.
What it is that Master and I do perfectly meets, or even exceeds, the definition of abuse according to the “experts”. I don’t promote that everyone should have a go at how it is that we do things. But I find such closed-minded approaches to what you should NOT do to be just as unhealthy, if not more so, than our “abusive” style.
~cunt
LikeTags: M/s rambles
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday June 23rd, 2008 9:19am
*sigh*
I think all those narrow definitions come from people who see BDSM as play, rather than as their life.
I started to write a long, thoughtful response and then I thought “Fuck it. They aren’t worth the trouble.”
Honestly, the best thing we can do, I think, is keep posting about our relationships that DON’T meet their guidelines and yet still clearly are healthy and full of love.
xoAmy
I’m laughing at your comment … ‘does a stupid person know she’s stupid?’ I don’t know the answer to that, but I suspect not. I do believe, however, that one would recognize abuse if she were being abused. If you’re happy, loved and fulfilled … it’s not abuse! It may be extreme, but there is room within BDSM for all ranges … from those with fluffy pink handcuffs to, well, to those who like to explore the more dark sides of it.
I know my ‘vanilla’ friends would be horrified if they knew the sorts of things I enjoy; therefore, I don’t share it with them. They would suspect abuse immediately. Which I kinda get, because being whipped is outside their realm of understanding. But for judgments like the ones you posted to come from within the ‘community’ it feels all the more damaging. Everyone makes judgments, but to come across as if there is ‘one true way’ is just wrong.
While I do not think that any abuse is going on here, I would like to point out that many abused people do not know that they are abused. It is a fine line.
One of the saddest things that I learned was that the kink community is no different than any other closed minded community. Just as I’ve come across gays and lesbians who discriminate against hetero couples…or those of the opposite sex, there will always be closed minded and holier than thou people in kink. Somehow, along the way…humans became hardwired to think that there was was the only way, the best way and that any other way is WRONG!
Those people have never come close to the world in which you live and thrive. Those people couldn’t contemplate the type of relationship that I fantasize about. (but have not yet achieved) I came from a vanilla emotionally abusive relationship. The line between that relationship and the one that I want??? Thinner than a whisp of smoke, and yet if I told anyone that…even Master doesn’t understand…yet.
It takes a relatively intelligent person to be able to look at the subject of abuse in this lifestyle and discern what true abuse is.
If it makes you HAPPY, then it isn’t abuse. If it lifts you up and fulfills you and your heart is at peace…then it isn’t abuse. Period. Abuse is not in the eye of the beholder, it is in the heart of the recipient. And those who feel that they can judge for another…are only flying a flag that gladly warns those of us who ARE intelligent enough…to walk the other way.
I think that it’s great that you’re so involved in the communities online. Even as you fight your own doubts…and I think that’s natural with a lifetime of social conditioning to over come…you still speak out, you still offer yourself up as evidence that what they say isn’t true. You offer people like me hope…who, in the fantasizing about that type of relationship…begin to question their own sanity.
And…perhaps you could make it a “job”. Have you ever thought of speaking, or writing articles about this topic? You could be an even greater educator on the subject.
Honestly, you DO follow those “rules” for a BDSM relationship. At least, that’s how it seems from the “following along” readership on my side of the screen.
Your life IS safe, sane and consensual – by your own definitions. You and Master chose the rules – in some cases, simply to let Master create the rules on your behalf. It seems to me that Master loves you very much and, as a result, the ‘safe’ side of things means you’ll be in pain and you’ll suffer and you’ll go through shit – - but he’s also going to take care of you. (Just for example, when you’re sick and he insists that you recuperate..)
If you’ve chosen to be “terrorized, frightened and controlled” that’s your choice, too, because it causes mutual pleasure!
You DO choose whether you participate – you are a smart, capable woman who *could* leave the relationship if it was required. That’s your “safe word”, so to speak.
Most of the BDSM “rules” I see online are meant to define short-term events, from what I can tell. When you choose to make a major commitment to living a full-out, full-fledged BDSM life, you’re still making the same choices and defining your own limits by the person you’ve chosen to be with, by the discussions you’ve had, by the choice to stay in the relationship, etc.
The problem with those short-term definitions is, like you said, people who want MORE than that are left wondering.. they see themselves as wrong or messed up.
It’s all about happiness, I think. The choices we make (BDSM or otherwise) are our own choice and need to reflect what’ll make us happy for the short period of time we’re on earth.. All BDSM “instructions” should read, “Find the thing that makes you feel alive and content and go for it. Make your own rules up as you go along.”
Several years ago I came across the NLA statement on Domestic Abuse and ended up with a post on it because it irritated me. Because of course by their standards I am in an abusive relationship. To me only the person in the relationship can say they are abused. A list isn’t going to set the person straight on if they are abused. A person knows — sometimes they might deny it for a while. But again reading a list of what is abuse isn’t going to suddenly snap them out of their denial.
You’re happy in your relationship as it is. I’m happy in mine the way it is. Others are happy in theirs the way it is. So to hell with what anyone that holds a seminar, writes a book, or just yells the loudest about it and thinks they know what’s better for us than we do. Just my opinion on the subject….
Exactly. If you were being abused, you wouldn’t be happy. =p
Kaya
My opinion on abuse vs BDSM is very clear to me but not always to others –
you have the right to make your own definition of what abuse or what BDSM is TO YOU.
To me abuse is assualt or rape – by anyone when you have not agreed to be treated that way.
you agreed when you signed up for this relationship and until you decide to stop the “arrangement” or leave 100 years from now that verbal agreement still stands in my eyes.
I think anyone who thinks they have enough authority to write down what the rules are in BDSM vs abusive relationship is not anyone I’d particularly read their stuff – this topic is over rated over discussed and over analyzed its gotten rather boring actually. Don’t fret, your not stupid – a little fire cracker who likes to discuss BDSM politics yes stupid? no way.
Dear Kaya,
I think you forgot one important point: What you are doing is consensual. Not every minute or hour. You don´t have a safeword (me neither). But if you told M one morning – seriously and not just out of a mood – that you didn´t want BDSM anymore, he would stop. At once. When you were unhappy, not so long ago, M and you even discussed abandoning BDSM. He is no abusing you in the “abuse” sense. Don´t worry. I don´t know who needs seminars about the difference of abuse and BDSM. It is so easy to tell apart. Abused women don´t get any pleasure out of the pain. The violence of abusers isn´t controlled but furious.
However, if you ever felt abused (not during the play, but even afterwards) – abused, in the sense, that M’s violence wasn’t about sex, but that you were used as a valve for aggressions, you should tell M right away. Well, now I feel stupid to have said this, because it is so obvious. You are much more experienced than me, anyhow. (And my personal opinion is, that what you (and I) are doing with our hubbies, is safe and sane, too. In a broader sense.
Kaya, this is my first post to you, but I love your blog, and I sometimes steal some ideas from the two of you, Tina.
I still like Laura Antoniou’s take on the whole “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” business. Here’s the link to probably one of the best pieces EVER on this subject:
http://www.sexuality.org/latrans.html
You aren’t stupid. Your life is real because you and He make it that way. No need to settle for boring.
hugs, swan
Kaya,
Shadow and Danae have it spot on. “Abuse isn’t in the eye of the beholder, it’s in the heart of the recipient,” and “Only the person in nthe relationship can say they are abused.” There was a Star Trek Next Generation episode (name escapes me) where a human child who was raised by Cardassians showed all the typical signs of abuse by his adoptive parents (his human parents were killed in a raid); bruises and evidence of broken bones in the past. Yet, he violently reistsed any claims that he was abused and should be held by the Federation from his Cardasian parents, because he saw the treatement he recieved as normal in the society he was raised in. For HIM, that treatment was proper child rearing. It reminded me of the argument that we hear today that spanking children is always abuse, and how that would have made both my mom and dad abusive (they weren’t).
Ask any parent and they’ll tell you that two different children need two different approaches to discipline, what works for one doesn’t for the other, and what is abusive for one could be needed for the other. Likewise, what is NEEDED for you in your M/s relationship may well be abusive for another person. The question is how do you feel about it. Do the welts and rough treatment you recieved just a while ago make oyu feel good about yourself or do they make you feel like you’re unlovable (rhetoricval question)?
These people need to considder many things before they pontificate. For example, “BDSM is always for… pleasure, abuse is used for … Control” But what if the submissive takes pleasure from being tightly controled? “BDSM always uses safe words.” What if the presence of a safe word makes in IMPOSSIBLE to get pleasure from the activity (as both you and Blue have indicated in the past)? What “rule” takes presedence? I explore some of these ideas in my latest story and look at the devestation that a “true way” attitude can wreck on a healthy relationship. The same thing can be said about “safe.” If being safe steals pleasure, is it right? A lot of “true way” fanatics claim breath play is never safe, yet so many take pleasufre from it. You know, I’ll be the first to say that there are things about which there are absolute rights and wrongs, but BDSM isn’t one of them. It makes just as much sense to say that drinking coffee is a form mof self abuse.
No, Kaya, you’re not being abused. you couldn’t be having so much fun blogging about it if it were abuse. Rock on (or should I say whip on) girl.
Dave
Yes…what they said. *points up*
Do you ever wonder if maybe those people are self-censoring to make BDSM easier for the public to swallow? I wonder that sometimes. And is it acceptable that we self-censor like this?
I know there is a lot of self-censoring from my brain to my website. There’s a lot that I don’t say because people (even some BDSMers that have similar interests and beliefs) just wouldn’t understand. There’s also some things I do say (making things seem more pretty and nice) because it’s easier to lie than to argue about whether or not I’m being abused. No matter how much fancy talking I do I cannot prove a negative.
And I’ve long since come to terms with the fact that not everyone does it my way and the ones who don’t fully believe I’m doing it wrong. It’s flattering to know that I rate high enough on the scale of all things important for them to spend so much time so vehemently (That’s my new word!) denying that my way is a viable option based solely on the fact that it doesn’t work for them.
The only thing to be done, really, is to keep posting blogs like yours proving to the world that it does work, it isn’t wrong or bad or whatever, and it can be enjoyable if it’s what you’re into.
I think Violet and the others have made many points that I definitely agree with when it comes to this issue.
In my interactions with you and with S, I don’t feel like I’m seeing an abusive situation. I feel like I’m seeing an arrangement that was verbally consented to at the beginning and that consent is a constant thread throughout.
I do think some people have an idea that BDSM is just play. A short piece of life that is controlled by sanctions and what have you. But there are others, like you and S, who have made their lives out of the practices involved.
*hugs*
I think every little group has certain people who feel the need to apply rules and make it seem like the only way to do things. And I’m sure they feel they are being helpful because they “know” what is right. Just like people in different religions preaching the “right” way to believe to everyone else because they believe they are “saving” the people they convert.
I’m more involved in the spanking world than true BDSM and I only participate in fun stuff, no discipline, but there are always people fighting over the right way to do that too. Some people claim the only “real” spanking is the kind that leads to tears. Some say it’s only real if it’s for discipline. Others say any use of spanking for discipline (even at the request of the bottom for guidance) is abusive, bringing tears or causing bruises is abusive, spanking should only be used for sensual, playful fun. If you bring in nipple clamps or something…..some say that’s part of spanking play, others argue it now moves over to BDSM and isn’t “pure” spanking anymore. Some people just have to feel right about something all the time.
On the flip side of this “right way to do BDSM” is hearing all these self-proclaimed Doms announce on forums, or especially to new subs, that a “real submissive” would never question a Dom’s word or actions anyway, so where does the SSC stuff come in there? Apparently a “real” sub just gives blankent consent anyway, because otherwise she’s questioning him and thus, not TROO. A lot of women are getting coerced into doing things they don’t want to because the Doms convince them they aren’t doing it right if they don’t consent to EVERYTHING.
I think the way you do things is perfectly fine and right….for you. I think you are just a more advanced player than what that SSC is aimed at. I think it is a great tool for people who are rather new to the scene or are not as willing to give up total control as you are. As far as I understand, since you and your Master have decided on no limits in your relationship then you have given blanket “consent to non-consent” within your relationship so the Consent part is taken care of. I think Safe and Sane are very much open to interpretation anyway.
my 2 cents,
munchkin
I know exactly what you mean Kaya. (and thanks for the add to your blogroll, btw!) Do not for one second ever doubt your Master or yourself! My Master never bothered much with any of the so-called experts, protocols, and shall we say, trappings of the “lifestyle” and all for the better in my case. In our case. We are not bogged down worrying about being SS or C. lol. I don’t even know how anyone came up with such tripe anyways, but I digress.
Anyone who has lived with abuse will know if they are being abused. And hell, if they haven’t, they for sure will know when it happens! It isn’t something that sneaks up on you. It isn’t “brainwashed” into you for goodness sakes! It is obvious, and dark, and limiting, and restrictive, and isolating, and depressing, and hopeless, and not at all happy and content, and cunt-soaking, and exciting like your life and like my life. The shit that gets me down has not got a thing to do with Master and/or our lifestyle! (see? sorry you got me started!)
“I was lead, largely, by my own fantasies and desires. ”
You and me both girl. And thank god! For the thrill of living out one’s fantasies should not be clouded by the fear-mongering, faux-safety conscious killjoys looking to make a buck and/or make some kind of name for themselves by sanitizing the edge right out of our lives!
(Okay, rant is over. please resume whatever it was you were previously doing while I go off and ice myself down and then masturbate over my frostbite)
I thinks this whole issue screams intervention. Obviously a dark and sinister cult has programmed kaya into believing this fantasy.
My suggestion as an active member of the fetish police is that we stage an intervention and kidnap kaya for deprogramming. An unknown mysterious masked agitator will waterboard and electroshock kaya mercilessly until she consedes its abuse and sees the error of her ways,
As an aside, kaya, could you ask Scott if he received the “mysterious masked agitator” disguise we sent him?
I don’t often post, although I read your blog frequently, Kaya.
I am a BDSM-er, submissive, married to a submissive. So much for the lifestyle…LOL…we are 24/7, but the question is 24/7 WHAT? When you are both submissive, you end up reading other people’s blogs instead of playing!
As always, a thought provoking post. As a mental health professional who worked for years in rape crisis, your blog generally makes me think about sexuality in general. There are a couple of issues here (at least). First, I don’t think anyone holds the right to be the judge and jury on BDSM Policy 101. I do, however, think that the safe-sane-consentual is a good guideline for people who play. I know when I was new in the community, the “rules” (and I say that loosely) helped me to stay safe. As much as I love submission and pain, I do want to stay safe. When you first enter the playing field, it is not as though there are qualified professionals you can call in for advice on how to find a Dom you can trust. You play and build that over time.
It is obvious that you love and trust your Master. If you did not trust him, could you let him strangle you? I doubt it. That kind of trust takes a long time and while it is being built, safe sane and consentual help to lay the groundwork for some damn hot play!
Consentual – one of my favorite words. Have you consented to making Master your Master? I’d guess so, from reading your blog, and I think that consent takes the “abuse” out of it. Would you allow a stranger to do the same things to you without first consenting? No.
Okay, so the psychiatric diagnosis of when something sexual becomes dysfunctional (as in paraphilia) is if it significantly keeps you from going about your life and interferes for a period of six months or longer. Last I checked, you were sending kids off to school, doing laundry, going to the grocery store, etc. BDSM is an adjunct to life 101. I have a friend who is a Dom who met a woman who lost custody of her children because a Dom wannabe told her she had to give them up to become his playtoy. He then kept her captive for a number of years. Kids were given to Dad and his family. In this case, I think BDSM significantly impaired her ability to do life. I, personally, could not respect a Dom who could ask a woman to give up small children, nor could I ever trust him. Just my opinion.
OK, one more point, and this one might not be popular. There is growing evidence that addiction to pain works on the same dopamine receptors as addiction to drugs. Pain sluts seem to develop a tolerance and as a result end up having to have more serious pain in order to get the same high. This can end up becoming dangerous. What met your need for pain a year ago may not even touch it today. For self mutilators, for example, this is a slippery slope indeed, when cutting can transform into parasuicide behavior. Just an example, nothing implied in your case.
As for relationship between childhood abuse and BDSM, about ten years ago I did a survey on a BDSM news group. Less than half of the folks who replied had ever experienced abuse as children. So much for those who say “you are re-enacting your childhood abuse”.
Last but not least, I think that there are as many types of BDSMers as there are heterosexuals vs. homosexuals. Putting any group in a box just doesn’t help the cause as we are so diverse.
I remember years ago when I came out of the BDSM closet to my best friend she said, “oh thank god, I thought you were going to tell me you are a lesbian”. LOLOL…
Keep on writing, Kaya, you are so appreciated for it by all of us.
di
Oh wow, my mom said the exact same thing! How weird!
Safe, sane and consensual works for beginning talks and setting things up. But if Master and yourself are both comfortable with your arrangement…who cares what other think? You already consented (sorta) to what he wants and does to you.
The only person who can decide if what is being done is abuse is you. If you don’t feel that way…enjoy the ride. Many people would love to have a relation that intense.
Penguin
Kaya
May I just say one thing here? I was someone who WAS abused by my husband. I am now in a bdsm relationship. Trust me, what you wrote at the very beginning, regardless of YOUR relationship, is true. There is a distinction. It is a process I am learning right now, how to differentiate the two. But your opening lines, whether you realize it or not, are completely true.
One IS consensual. The other is NOT. Live YOUR life; enjoy it for what it is, and for Christ’s sake, stop trying to label it to fit everyone else’s ideal. It is unique unto the two of you. Are you happy? Good, then go with that.
I didn’t read the other comments, but maybe, you are being abused. Maybe, that’s exactly what you want. Maybe, you’ve examined that being abused is what makes you happy.
And if you’re happy with it, then who cares? I worry about the people who don’t take the time to self examine, who don’t understand how their actions effect themselves and others. You do that. You do what you want, in my eyes, responsibly, by understanding to the best of your ability your actions. In their eyes, it is abuse. And you know what? Maybe that’s just perfectly fine.
This is always a weird thing for me. I work in a domestic violence shelter as a social worker and I still have issues with the balance between my values as a professional and myself as a BDSM participant. But I just have to keep the consent thing in my mind. I may beg to be hurt and wear my bruises with (hidden) pride, but the women I work with did not consent to be treated that way… kind of…
nataliedee.com
Hah!
nataliedee.com January 17, 2008. You’ll love it. Trust me.
I have always felt that SSC was a bit of an unrealistic thing in this community. I am much more able to wrap my brain around the notion of Consensual Awareness. Consensual Awareness doesnt have to be safe. It just means that both parties are aware of the risks involved and are actively choosing to participate in a given act despite the risks.
It just seems much more realistic when I look at it that way.
And when I apply that theory to what I see of your relationship, it works. You and the Mr. are both aware that some of the things you do are not always safe or sane, yet you both agree to go ahead and do them anyways.
Bah I say. The older I get, the less I care what other people think. Master and I live a pretty tame existence and are probably way too vanilla for most BDSM’ers standards but I dont give a rat’s ass what they think. In my brain he is my Master and I’ll go on calling him that until my last breath.
kaya……. that bit you quoted reeks of something i wrote eons ago.. for an information web site….(though it most probably is not the same article) it was solicited from me because a good part of my job is working with abuse.. abused kids.. abused parents……
i tried very hard to write an article that stated what abuse looks like and what BDSM looks like.. and the differences between them…
There is a HUGE difference between the two…… and no matter how stupid one might be.. they can figure out the difference (eventually)
and i have to say right here and now.. at no time.. in all the time i have been reading your blog… have i ever thought ‘that girl is being abused’……. so don’t you think it.. not for one minute!!!
morningstar (owned by Warren)
“abuse is about power and control’????
Oops, I’m being abused. I’m so glad whatever fuckwit wrote that pointed it out to me.
Can you hear my sarcasm drip?
Fuck, his blog is called ‘Control’! The whole fucking thing is about power exchange and control. Oh, silly silly me for thinking I was loving it. GRRRRRR
That’s such stupid information to be part of a seminar. Wow.
I think what they’re trying to skip over there is that there isn’t a clear line between abuse and BDSM. Frequently, the exact same situation (say, a punch to the face) can be either abuse or BDSM depending on context.
There’s nothing wrong with terrorizing, frightening, and controlling if both parties have initially consented to it, and there’s nothing saying that pleasure can’t be derived from that terror.
The last statement is one of the most ridiculous I’ve ever seen. “BDSM activities are about pleasure and being connected. Abuse is about power and control.”
I thought power and control were, you know, part of the D/S part of the BDSM acronym?
Methinks whoever wrote these stupid tips up needs to do some more research into BDSM.
I have to say that I came from an abusive relationship and I DID need to have someone point out to me that it was jsut that–an abusive relationship. I had been verbally and emotionally abused to the point of thinking that I deserved all of the mistreatment I was receiving.
I’m not trying to say in the least that you or anyone else here is in an abusive relationship and they don’t know it. I’m just trying to say that it is possible to be in one and not know it.
The bottom line here is ” F_____ anybody” that tries to define what is right or wrong in anyone’s relationship. If it feels right to you that is all. The end!! Anything else is just bull defecation.
If you are chased down, trussed up, beaten, sold into slavery and servitude (Gorean style), that would be abuse in the BDSM sense of things. Forced.
If hair splitting is needed, (no pun) yours is a mutual beneficial arangement. Ya both like it. But I guess you could call it a BD M/s (Master/slave) set up. Though, enjoying what you receive is masochistic, by definition.
The big diff…you enjoy it, you are having fun (to YOUR standards), and both of you are confident in the knowledge that IF STOP! is yelled, it would. If it were abuse, it wouldn’t.
I’m done. Now go have some fun.
Hey my mentor in BDSM (you really are),
I know you didn’t like that whole thing they said in the begining, but from my personal perspective…I think it was something meant for vanillas. That’s just me. There are some people in the non-BDSM world that do equivalant BDSM to abuse, and people from the BDSM world need to explain to these people there is a difference.
Even I, a novice in BDSM, had to tell other people on my SO’s message board that there’s a fine line in abuse and what people do in BDSM. I recall something you said several months ago about this guy that said that people in BDSM are former abuse victims that want to do BDSM because they know nothing else (something along those lines). It’s people like that who need to be told what was said in the begining of your entry…not people like you and me.
We know we aren’t being abused. I have been abused verbally and emotionally…I can assure these people that think that BDSM is the same as abuse that it something I don’t want to go through again since I went through enough of it in my childhood. It’s why I have a rule to prevent my SO and any dom I have from calling me a stupid bitch since being called stupid gets under my skin as I was called that a lot.
BTW…I almost got myself an online dom. Unfortunately, he couldn’t do it since he wasn’t in an open relationship (I know him through chat and have met irl).
“If it makes you HAPPY, then it isn’t abuse. ”
That’s absolutely true.
I think what these people are attempting to do is to draw a line for people in the vanilla community. To stop vanilla women, who don’t like the treatment on that list, from being abused, it’s important for them to know the difference.
There are people who say they’re doing bdsm and are in fact abusers. The fact that you’re not in that group doesn’t stop that from being true.
I think the lists would be much better turned into that one statement above: In the overall scheme of things, does it make you happy? Yes, nearly always? Then not abuse. Does it make you unhappy? Yes, nearly always? Abuse.
Or, alternatively, ‘do you want these activities to stop?’
Yes = abuse
No = not abuse
Needless to say, I’m firmly in the latter category.