Posty McPost-It Says…
I’m bored. And alone. And I have had all of the conversations about the lunch room lady, who’s breaking up with who (whom?), heavy metal bands, which teacher is the worst and some people’s fashion sense – or lack thereof – to last me a day.
So I shall bring myself here, where the interaction is at least on an adult level. Mostly. ;-)
There is construction here on the road I normally take to work and the detour sends me past a tiny church set back on a corner. The pastor has taken to writing clever slogans (not sure of the right word here. Does God have a slogan?..lol) on the sign since the increase in traffic. Things like “If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.” and “Plan ahead.
It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.” This week’s sign says “Seven days without Jesus makes one weak.” I was thinking as I went past today, that seven days without Master makes me weak.
Which led me to thinking about a discussion a week or two ago on FetLife where I made the comment that Master is my “personal Jesus”. I said more than that, but it doesn’t matter what else I, or the other people who aligned with me, said because most people got stuck right there. Most of the following comments contained some reproach while also proclaiming loud and clear that they don’t think their Master is a God, he’s just a man, and only human and allowed to make mistakes.. and you get the idea.
Naturally I got irritated, which I’ve been doing a lot of lately, because people seem to think that they can disguise insults under “just voicing their opinion!” and that prefacing a rude attack with that disclaimer frees them to say whatever, in whatever manner suits them, and if I find offense with it, I’m the one who’s overreacting or being rude. Fact is, there is a way to disagree and to voice alternate viewpoints without being condescending and rude, and the onus is not on the listener (receiver) to not be offended, but on the speaker to not be offensive.
I certainly would not comment to any of those people who don’t think of their Master as a god and tell them that, in *my opinion*, they are doing it wrong. Because that would be rude. Even if it IS only my opinion, it’s still uncalled for, unnecessary, and said with words that are meant to sting. Thinly veiled insults, protected by the notion that one is obligated to hear the opinions of everyone, like it or not.
It really doesn’t surprise me anymore that every time I branch out onto a public venue I get my hand slapped. I know that I have a brash way with words, that I spit them out like chewed up glass and can’t pour them out like liquid honey, as some people can. But what does continue to surprise me is the hypocrisy that runs amok. Apparently unnoticed. Because if I respond in kind to a tasteless reply, I’m told to stop being so defensive and reminded that everyone has an opinion – when all I’m doing is giving back my own opinion. What they are really saying is that their opinions are welcome because they run mainstream.. and the kind of differing opinion that I may offer – is not.
I was recently reading a thread on TSR (that I am not going to look up to quote accurately, sorry, I have the lazies) but one of the points brought up was in how we (a collective “we” as in ‘the bdsm society’) have an obligation to keep things somewhat palatable for the ‘nillas. That as small strides are made in bringing the public around to accepting that bdsm is not full of psychopaths, serial killers and puppy-bashers, we must not let them see our dirty underwear. So that anyone admitting to a mental illness, or an unsavory thought process, or denouncing SSC and safewords are in fact impeding the progress. We need to be hidden, kept quiet, and we are not invited to the family reunion. The fine, upstanding, respectable folk will do the hob-knobbing and deny that we exist.
What I found rather ironic about the whole exchange was that, some 30 years ago or so, those respectable BDSM’ers were just as fucked up as I am in the eyes of the general public. Their “affinity” for bdsm was still listed as a mental disorder. They’re activities were considered abusive. Now that they’ve become somewhat accepted, they’re putting us where they were.
I have no idea where I’m going with this. I had meant to ask what the hullabaloo is surrounding the idea of worshiping a man, and to mention that perhaps FetLife isn’t going to be any different than any other place has been. Or maybe it’s just that I am incapable of interacting in a setting where I’m required to not be myself in order to fit in.
Anyway, I had another thing on my mind.
A subtle slave-girl was just discussing her return to a temporary employment after being a full-time slave. Given that I’ve also recently returned to work after living as a full-time slave, she echoed some of my own thoughts when she said this:
“I’m thinking that it’s mostly a power thing. Working and earning an income definitely puts me up there on an equal pedestal and suddenly I feel like what *I* think and what *I* need to do are as important as things in His life. When you’re penniless and at his beck and call, ‘Yes, Master’ seems to be the most natural thing in the world, but give me a name badge and money in my wallet and ‘Yes, Sweetie Pumpkin Master’ becomes ‘You fucking want what sweetie???’ (complete with nasty inflection on the sweetie). It’s very interesting. It was almost as if a switch was flipped as I was getting my work clothes ready and organizing my stuff on Sunday evening ready for Monday morning. Before I’d even set off to my place of employment, those simple acts flipped my slave switch to off and when Master ‘suggested’ that I go and get some cuffs for bondage, I replied with a curt, “I can’t, I’ve got things to do!” Not very slave-like of me, was it?
These past few months that I’ve been allowed to follow my vocation and have my slavery as the focal point of my life have been fabulous. I’m not suggesting for a moment that I’ve been the ‘perfect slave’ for all this time, but I’ve enjoyed the uncomplicatedness of it all. When you’re a slave, your Master is the focus, he gets the priority, he gets the attention and generally, within reason, that’s how it works. When you’re working, there’s always a conflict between work and it’s associated activities, not to mention the space in your mind it takes up -worrying about commutes, organizing clothes and lunch and remembering the details of what it is you’re being employed to do. In my case, there just ain’t enough room for Master to receive priority in there too.”
(There was another recent time where I was discussing (again, on a message board) how being penniless reinforces dependency, which in turn reinforces the inability to leave, which in turn reinforces slavery as the only available option. But I’m digressing.)
Her words do echo my feelings on being a working slave. Even though my income is not even one tenth of Master’s, it has given me “power”, it has offered me a tiny measure of equality and independence. I both like that – and hate it. There was a humbleness that came with having to ask to spend a dollar, and to justify the need of the item wanted. While that was something that chafed and was *extremely* difficult for me to do, it cemented my place. Now it seems that I don’t have that and there is void there. It’s a very uncomfortable independence. I’m not sure that Master even feels right about telling me I can’t spend what I’ve just earned, or that I haven’t the “right” to spend when I am indeed contributing.
So there is that negative aspect and that’s not even getting in to the way this job interferes in our lifestyle, and it’s a mere part-time job. It’s majorly messed up both our mornings and our nights, upset the routine, halted play, halted sex, interrupted service –
And the headspace! I can feel the undoing of Master’s work. My job, such as it is, requires me to be social, outgoing, engaging, supportive, interactive. Every day that I successfully entertain a group of strangers, my confidence and independence and personal power climbs. What was it that Master was trying to create? Mindless obedience, extreme dependence. Part of the isolation process involved erasing the belief that I could function in society. It involved reaffirming my intense need for Him and Him alone. It involved controlling my exposure to alternate ideas and life choices. It involved making me believe that here was safety, and out there was scary. It involved not being asked what my personal opinion or preference was, but being told what I would now prefer and enjoy.
I struggle now, when He expects me to be in that same place where He left me. It’s the age-old battle of flipping that switch from employee to slave. I know there are more than a few stay-at-home slaves these days. I envy them now. I miss those days. I think for any that are working, trying to flip that switch is a shared struggle.
When I bring that up to Master, He’s not incredibly sympathetic to my plight. His answer is merely “you expect me to, don’t you? I’m expected to walk out of the office and have my Master-face on when I get home. I have to answer to my boss all day and scurry around pleasing other people, yet when I get home I have to be Billy Bad Ass on a dime. You get to play Miss Independence at your job and when you get home, I expect the same transformation from you. Drop your shit at the door.”
He’s so mean, idn’t He? :P
But He’s right, of course. He generally is. Why should we expect it to be any easier for them? And if we do expect it from them, we damn well better expect it from ourselves, too.
Well that’s enough grown-up talk for one night. I have to go watch American Idol. :D :D
~cunt
LikeTags: M/s rambles
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Wednesday May 21st, 2008 7:35pm
Kaya,
I’m not surprised that you got such a strong reaction to calling Him your personal Jesus. I have discovered that most of my fellow Christians have no true confidence in their own faith. Gary Larson once drew a Far Side that he never published until “Prehiostory of The Far Side”. It showed a man in robes, standing before a stone slab holding a cup of coffee. The caption read, “How long have I been asleep? I feel like I’ve been dead for three days.” Personally I think that’s hilarious, but he never published it for fear (rightly so) of the outrage it would spark. People who are sucure in their faith can handle humor about it. Sadly, that’s a minority of Christians, in my experience.
I’m also, sadly, not shocked at the hyppocracy you experienced. Our society has become increasingly intolerant of differing opinions. College students disrupt speakers that espouse unpopular views (liberal or conservative). Hate speach laws make criminals out of people expressing opinions that others find offensive. The BDSM community is no different from everyone else. I just hope that this slide stops soon, or we’ll become a people incapable of cicil discourse.
It’s curious that the SSC crowd feels the need to keep those more extreme(?) players under cover. No doubt they’re thinking of being the Martin Luther King Jr.’s of the scene as opposed to the Malcolm X’s. I wonder if they’ve considdered that one of the things that made Dr. King palpable to the bigots of the day was the fear of Malcolm X (at least in some social theories). Personally, I’d like to think that people simply saw what was right then, and they’re beginning to see what is right now. BUT, hiding the truth (in the past, that some blacks were mad as hell, now that soem BDSMers are somewhat more radical), will not win friends and influence people. Honesty is always the best policy, even when it hurts or is unpleasant.
Dave
Have to agree with you, dweaver999. Way to many “christians” are not secure in their faith. (Of course, they fit in well with all the other people that just believe what they are told by the talking heads).
Kaya: Currently, almost all aspects of BDSM are listed as mental disorders and sexual deviation. Not that I care what those books say – imho, “normal” is nothing more than a setting on a dryer. ^_^
Two comments…first, i have always found that intolerent people are not confident in their own opinions, whatever those opinions are about. That lack of confidence dosn’t allow them to even entertain the possibility that opinions contrary to their own have a right to exist. i’m glad that you don’t compromise yourself just to fit in. Having done that more then once i know that, for me, it’s exausting and useless…
second, you’re discussion about working and slavery remindes me of discussions that i’ve heard from working women (and had as a working woman)…Coming home from work to keep working, having to change gears from worker to mother to wife to sex kitten. i’m not sure just where i wanted to go with this except to tell you that you’re not alone, whether kink or ‘nilla, i think it’s something most women go through to some degree.
fown
Wow, Very long and very important post. But I only have one question.
Could you tell me who won? I don’t think I could watch David Cook lose(Because I know he will).
David Cook won! w00t! But you probably know that already. :D
Yes! I found out! I was so happy! I couldn’t believe it, just because so many girls loved David A.
As a 55 year old catholic raised woman who burned several bras, got suspended repeatedly from school … so that all good catholic girls could live by choice…
My master is my jesus…. to those offended … deal with it.. in return I will support and deal with your needs, beliefs, wants, wishes…. it’s what we wanted… choice.
You have here .. Kaya …one of the most honest women on the net… true to her herself, her husband/Master and her children … and she shares with strangers….
What more do you want from one woman?
At least afford her some respect.
We could all take a lesson.
“When I bring that up to Master, He’s not incredibly sympathetic to my plight. His answer is merely “you expect me to, don’t you? I’m expected to walk out of the office and have my Master-face on when I get home. I have to answer to my boss all day and scurry around pleasing other people, yet when I get home I have to be Billy Bad Ass on a dime. You get to play Miss Independence at your job and when you get home, I expect the same transformation from you. Drop your shit at the door.” ”
holy shit! i completely know what he’s talking about. i feel the same way, i have to do that “bull shit scurry” too. it’s hard to shift gears soemtimes, but you do have to drop the shit at the door.
you said………. and to mention that perhaps FetLife isn’t going to be any different than any other place has been………..
and i have to ask ……. why would FetLife be any different than any other place?? see.. the problem is the same SORT of people are there.. the same sort that surround you.. us… and we just have to be bigger and stronger than they are.. and not let them wear us down..
as for you Master having to leave His work face at the door.. that one got me.. bit time…….. cause i really struggle on Friday afternoons finding my subbie face…… i never ever thought Sir might have the same problem………… something to think about while i work my way through the day……..
morningstar (owned by Warren)
But I dont think I am bigger and stronger than they are.
“Currently, almost all aspects of BDSM are listed as mental disorders and sexual deviation. Not that I care what those books say – imho, “normal” is nothing more than a setting on a dryer. ^_^”
@ DragonMage. Compulsive footnote–actually, almost all aspects of BDSM have been _de-listed_ as disorders, at least in the DSM, which is the diagnostic handbook American practioners use. The DSM-IV most clearly removed BDSM activities from inclusion in classifications of mental disorders and sexual deviation. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM#Psychological_categorization
Sera: That’ll teach me to comment when I’m too tired to think straight, I guess.
Sadomasochism and most other elements of BDSM *are* still listed in the DSM-IV as mental disorders and/or sexual paraphilia, but only if they are the only means of sexual gratification for a period of six months or longer (Pretty sure on the six months – too lazy to get out my class notes), and if they cause significant distress or impairment to social (or other important areas) of functioning.
My point was that I don’t CARE what the book says about it, but I apparently didn’t make that clear. -_-
Kaya your writing is a breath of fresh air, fuck em I say, if they don’t like what you have to say then they don’t have to read it, let alone comment with snide remarks nor innuendos, I totally understand when you say M is your personal jesus in the context you meant, if they can’t see it then maybe they need to take some time to understand it, after all thats what discussion is all about ;) Keep writing that wonderful “brashness” of yours!
“There was a humbleness that came with having to ask to spend a dollar, and to justify the need of the item wanted.”
I know that feeling, and even though I do earn some money through work I do it’s not my money. I’m expected to hand it over when I get home, as I usually get payed in cash.
Now, He is allowing me to spend money for every day things, like groceries and things we need for the daily living. But I’m supposed to ask before spending money on other things, something that has turned out to be something that comes natural to me (thank the goddess for that). That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss spending money I have earned by my own work as I did before meeting Him, mind you…
As always, your topics make for great discussion. Thanks!
I also struggle with the transition from my role at the office and my role at home. It is a particular struggle because I am in a at the top of my company in a highly paid position. All day every day I make decisions. I think it is different for the dom in the relationship because even the employee on the bottom rung should expect to be treated with courtesy and respect. At work I don’t tell my subordinates, “It’s not your job to think” or “Your job is to follow, period, whether you agree with it or not.”
Another thought I have about you and your Master is something that Sir and I go through. It is hard for us when one person is traveling and we aren’t around each other every day to reinforce our roles. I’m a great slave when we’re together 24/7, but give me a couple of days on my own and (in his words) I grow horns and develop a mind of my own. Don’t get me wrong, I still follow the rules (mostly and reluctantly) but I’ll bend things a bit just because I can and I want to. Whether the transition is a day at the office or a week apart, getting back into the groove of things can be challenging.
And just to comment on the folks that love to bash others and do it under the guise of just my opinion, I always take heed when a sentence starts with “this is just my opinion…” or “I’m not trying to be an ass…” If you have to start your conversation with a disclaimer, shut up and sit down is my motto.
I love reading your blog.
I have to start with two disclaimers: 1) I am the founder of FetLife and 2) I did not read the thread that is being referred to in the thread.
But I still want to give my 2 cents if you do not mind. :-)
FetLife is far from perfect. It can not be perfect or eutopic. Perfection does not exist. All I can do is work everyday at the experience so it promotes more of the “good” behavior while making it difficult to be a “bad” member of the community. But that is all I want to say about FetLife in specific. I think this is more of a non-FetLife issue to be honest.
Personally, I am an extremely opinionated person and I make comments that are strong, that go against the grain and that are shocking all the time in both my vanilla and kink life. And every time I make one of these comments while both face to face with people or online I have to realize I might get some flack for what I say. That I might have to defend my position. I have an opinion and being asked to defend what I say does not bother me. That is a conversation. I love conversations. It might get tiring at times though :-).
Online threads are like conversations you have in the real world. You make a statement. People comment on your statement and then you start to go back and forth. The only problem is that online conversations are slower which tends to make the back and forth more painful at times.
This seems to be much more then my 2cents… sorry! :-)
(If people were out of line on FetLife then please do tell me and I will take care of it!)
Let me tell you what I love about FetLife, and why I will continue to be a member and continue to urge people to join. I love how easy it is to connect to people in your own locale. I love the message feature, I love the pictures and the profiles and the many, many options offered for your profile. The site is easy to navigate, easy to use, and is, I believe, going to be an incredible asset to kink as we know it.
Of course it will not be perfect, and as you said, nothing is. I do have my tiny complaints, but let me be clear when I say that my complaints are not about the site itself. What you’ve created is great. My complaints are about members – and I will always have complaints about people! Esepcially people who disagree with me (kidding! Just kidding. ;-)
The thread in particular is nothing to be concerned about. There was nothing said that was over the top or anything that would warrant the interference of the “referee”. So you are correct, it is a non-FetLife issue that happened to crop up on FetLife.
People will always be rude. And I will never like it. It just irritates me that people cannot say something, express their opinion, and still be polite about it. Even passionate opinions can be expressed without insult.
I’m not opposed to conversation, nor am I bothered with having to defend my beliefs and opinions. But once it degenerates into a “you’re a sick fuck!” type of convesation? Well, yes that may be their opinion of me, but honestly, what kind of conversation can continue after that? It is extremely tiring to try and have a discussion with people who only pick out key words, and won’t actually READ what you are saying. Irritating.
And that is not a FetLife problem. It’s an everywhere problem.
There is really nothing to be done with people who are insistantly and consistently rude and disrespectful. I do think that there is a HUGE contingent of people who will get their fur up whenever one of US makes a statement that impinges on their religious view of the world. So, stating that your Master is the object of your personal worship is going to bring that crowd screaming out of wherever they generally hang out. I understand that it can be frustrating and infuriating, and frankly, a little baffling. I doubt it can be changed or helped, so likely the answer lies in some sort of thick skinned, “I don’t give a flying fuck” sort of position.
As for the working (outside) slave dilemma. You did a great job of laying out the dichotomies that crop up in that balancing act. I’ve never had the luxury of being the full time stay at home slave (except for summers and that’s a whole other thing). So, I’ve always had to deal with the intellectual and emotional “whiplash” that is created when, as a wage earner, I am either leaving or returning home. I think there are skills and techniques that can be used to “come home” to one’s slavery, but it likely takes time to develop those, and then practice to get halfway competent with them. I don’t know that it ever gets to be as “idyllic” (if that is a reasonable word in this case) as the full time in the house “slave” existence looks to me, but for me, and plenty of others, it is the reality.
He wants/needs me to create an income stream for the household. It is as much a command from Him as anything else I might be asked or directed to do. It does change the way we live, and that is the tradeoff we make to obtain the benefit of what I can earn. So, that outside working part of my life is “service” just as all the inside the house stuff is.
In a perfect world, it might be better and easier to be “kept” home. We all know the world isn’t perfect. Probably not going to get that way anytime soon.
I imagine you will find ways to accommodate this as you go along, if it lasts that long. Give yourself, and Him, credit. You two have weathered way tougher challenges than this “how to work and still slave” question.
Hugs, swan
i think that’s one of the most difficult aspects of the BDSM community. We ask (vanilla) people to be understanding of us and our interests, we want them to be respectful and know that we are not “sick” or “mentally ill”…we just wanted more. But inside the community, there are still people who constantly judge others of the community and throw thinly veiled insults. Frankly, i think they do more damage to the BDSM community’s image than the occasional nutball.
You are perfectly entitled to state your opinions (which i think you seat beautifully in an open and honest way every time your fingers hit the keyboard)…and i think we should all respect that from each other…
Please, continue to offer your open and honest opinions out there, regardless of those who assume they are better. Your thoughts and writings are wise, beautiful and utterly fascinating.
Hopefully, someday we’ll all learn to be more respectful and understanding of each other, too.
By the way, those “punny” church signs are one of my big pet peeves. They make me want to punch people.
I’m still turning over your post in my head since I come from a very different situation (and different desires) but I still find your writing very interesting.
That said, you have a wonderful way with words. You may not consider yourself a natural born salesman, but you definitely have eloquence. It’s one of the reasons I enjoy reading you so much. Even though I’ve considered some of the things you discuss and decided they don’t work for me right now, I still re-examine them after reading your posts – you are that eloquent (and I’m incredibly stubborn sometimes, so that ups the compliment.)
Thanks!
Kaya,
I find it interesting that you make mention of the adjustment from a full-time slave to an employee. I’m currently a stay-at-home slut. I do not work (not by choice), although I do study at University. I’m looking for work atm.
I had never really thought about it from this perspective..but I get what you mean. I crave that independence from Him (in a it-will-help-me-stay-sane kind of way). I want to earn my own money.. 1) because it makes me feel good and 2) I LOATHE having to ask Him for what I now affectionately call my ‘weekly allowance’ (although sometimes, more often than not, it really does feel like that).
I couldn’t help but smile when you said “I know there are more than a few stay-at-home slaves these days. I envy them now.” I guess it comes back to the age old thing of we want what we haven’t got/can’t have. I know I want to be an employee, and you want what you’ve ‘lost’ (I use that term loosely). We both want what we haven’t got at this stage.
Anyway, they are just my thoughts.
Lucy
Kaya,
I was intrigued by your comment about your Master being your Jesus. I am a Christian, though I am unchurched and not mainstream, and I can relate to your sentiments. My own D/s relationship is deepening and developing more of a spiritual dimension. He is meeting a spiritual need in me, He is becoming a savior to me in some aspects. Though I have touched on this in my own blog, I have avoided using those exact terms due to the judgement and resistence that I know I would encounter. I myself struggle to understand and to verbalize that facet of our relationship. I am not on Fetlife, but have encountered rudeness and disrespect on other sites. What ever happened to the acceptence of just saying “my kink is not your kink.” I personally have been aided and supported in my own journey by reading of the more extreme kinks and lifestyles in the blogs. As my own desires become more extreme, I feel a validation and kinship that allows me to explore this completely. Thank you for your honest opinions and words in your blog.
Alice