Poop Cake. Or… Something deeper.
My eyes haven’t forgiven me yet. I’ve still not recovered from the chocolate-poop association. I could be traumatized forever!
I saw a poop cake in the bakery section of our local Piggly Wiggly. I’ve never considered myself to be prudish… but I gotta tell ya. Seeing a poop cake has had me gobsmacked ever since.
It was large, tall and fat, all swirled up tubes of chocolate frosting, with big plastic flies stuck on it. And peanuts scattered here and there. And corn kernels.
*blink blink blink*
I was torn between wanting to buy it (it was chocolate after all) and knowing that if I did, I’d not be able to eat it anyway. I may *know* it’s not poop, but it looked like poop. Scat is not my thing. No how no way. Not even pretend.
I’ve seen boob cakes and dick cakes and pussy cakes (in adult settings!) but never shit cakes. It seems wrong somehow to have a poop cake in a Piggly Wiggly.
(I found a picture of a similar cake here. Apparently, I had missed the entire poop cake phenomena until now.)
But that’s not really what I wanted to post about. I just had to get it out though because… gobsmacked I tell ya.
I wanted to talk about a comment that I got that really made a LOT of sense to me. Something that has put my mind at ease in a big way. From l{Fh}:
Part of surviving intact as ‘differently minded’ (IE not vanilla mentality) requires a certain degree of stubbornness. [...] That takes someone who isn’t going to compromise on life. [...]So why is it surprising that this fine honed survival skill has side effects and drifts into our slave life? It’s the natural residue, if you like, of getting this far intact as WHO YOU ARE. If we were all that submissive we would have given in to the social status quo years ago and not said boo to M/s.
I think that is the most profound thing I’ve heard in quite some time. It’s absolutely correct. The determination to get the life that I want is how I got here. What sense does it make that I would then roll over and play dead just because I’m (almost) here? I’m *still* fighting, determined to get what I came for.
If it weren’t important enough to me to fight for, to work for, I’d have given up a LONG time ago. Being different, in any capacity that goes against the grain of society, isn’t an easy road. Not for anyone. No matter what it is that makes one stand out against the crowd, the pressure to give in, to go with the flow, to be a sheeple is *huge*.
I don’t think that that drive is simply going to disappear, be nonexistent just because I’ve come this far. And she’s right. If I were THAT submissive, I’d have “submitted” to society long ago. I’d be one more closet submissive, masturbating to BDSM porn and fantasies or carrying on a hidden relationship.
But I’m not. I took chances and made things happen because I want what I want. I work for what I want. I’m not submissive. I’m determined.
‘Submissive’ would have led me to settling. Settling for those previous doms, those who may have been close to what I wanted… but not close enough. It’s not easy to end a relationship, especially when that relationship gives you some of what you’ve been looking for. When you don’t know if you’ll ever have anything even close to that again, when you’re facing being alone, again, and starting over, again.
So no. Being strong and driven and competent and determined does not mean that I can’t also be a slave. At least, not in my, or Master’s, opinion.
I do try to top from the bottom (try being the operative word here), and I try, I think, because I think I’m a smart girl. I think I know what’s good for me and I think I know what I want. But, I’m a slave because my topping from the bottom is thwarted consistently and constantly and in that process, I obey.
I talk about being in trouble and I discuss my punishments, but even in those instances, we’re talking about a flash of temper where I neglected to say ‘Sir’, or I got stubborn and took too long to serve him something. I’m not stomping around all day breaking rules and being a bitch. I’m not busting out of the cage (snicker) or chopping my hair off or chatting up other men or spending his money on a new wardrobe.
My basic approach is obedience because I do try and I know that obedience is the very foundation of being a slave… but none of that also requires that I forget, or ignore, the principle motivating factor that I came with. The determination to not let this path that we are on slip off into nowhere.
I don’t think it’s just Master’s responsibility to keep things moving forward and on the up and up. It’s both of ours. It’s his prerogative to steer it, but I’ll be god damned if that means I can’t speak up and say “where in Sam’s hill are you going???” and point out that a wrong turn seems to have been taken. We both know where we want to go. Sometimes He gets sidetracked or pulled away. Sometimes I do. It’s because we’re both wanting the same thing that we both get to yank the other one by the bootstraps.
Because I sure as fuck ain’t going to have made it this far to sit back and quietly and submissively watch it be ran into the ground.
I may not be as easily malleable as some. But you know, we’ve only been at this for a bit over 3 years. In 3 years, he’s changed me in some deeply profound ways. There are other people who have been at this for much longer than we have and who aren’t half as far along. So I don’t at all consider myself, or our relationship, a failure. It’s two steps forward, one step back, and anything easier would probably only be a surface change. I think we are doing it right, doing it in exactly the manner that we need to to satisfy ourselves. Y’all may not agree, but you’re also only getting snippets of the big picture. It’s impossible for me to accurately relay every little detail. I would if I could! But I can’t. Unless you want to move in? ;-)
As it stands right now, somewhere along the way in the not-so-distant past, a wrong turn was made. There is no fault or blame being assigned because it doesn’t matter a bit who detoured. Him or me? Who cares. What matters is that we are able to recognize it and work to fix it. Fixing a wrong turn requires backing up, finding where we deviated from the path and moving forward again. So that’s what we’re doing. We’re reversing until we identify the error.
“There are always two choices. Two paths to take. One is easy. And its only reward is that it’s easy.”
“There’s no thrill in easy sailing when the skies are clear and blue, there’s no joy in merely doing things which any one can do. But there is some satisfaction that is mighty sweet to take, when you reach a destination that you never thought you’d make.”
I could give up on my dreams. I could hush, keep my worries and thoughts to myself. I could… but what would he end up with? A lesser version of me.
He could bowl over my dreams. Ignore them, no longer make them a priority. At what cost though? A “nicer” journal? One of those perfect, fluffy ones? And still, a lesser version of me.
He wants to own me, to possess me. He doesn’t only want a robotic, yes-girl. Those are a dime a dozen. He’s going to take my dreams and he’s going to meld them with his own, until someday, there is no discernible difference. How’s he going to get there if I roll over and play dead??
~cunt
Tags: M/s rambles, poopcake, rants, reflection
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday November 12th, 2007 10:20am
OH.my.god…that cake. Ugh. Why would ANYONE want something like that???
As for the rest, brava. *grins*
Oh, and did Am like the video?
*face palm* Thanks for reminding me. I completely forgot about the video. I’ll show her tonight. :-)
Oh dear god.
I’m a certified chocoholic, and that was enough to put me off chocolate for a while.
Thankfully the poopcake frenzy hasn’t reached New England. Yet.
xo
Honestly. I almost bought it just because… oh my God.. it was a POOP cake! I’d never seen one before.
Horridly fascinating it was.
poop cake = gross
Okay, so, you can poke me if I’m out of line here, but this is my thought on what I’ve seen of your journey (having read the whole journal). It probably wont be coherent.
He wants you to be a person. He wants you to be his absolute slave.
You want to be cunt in a cage. You, being human, want to retain that humanity.
These are contrary things. However, because Master always gets His Way ™ that doesn’t matter.
in other words, he wants you to keep your personality, which you have, and he wants you to be the c-i-c, which you are well on your way towards. But personality implies some kind of personhood. And so there will clashes with that, especially considering your personality is fairly feisty. My little brain doesn’t know if that will ever be resolved.
But also, I don’t think that if it could be resolved it would make you happy. You want your personhood taken from you time and time again. You are not submissive, not in any kind of inherent personality sense. Like you said, how could you be? You want to be reminded that you a cunt in a cage. And if you’ve interalized that, become that to the point that you do not resist anymore, and have destroyed your personhood, wouldn’t you have destroyed your personality? That you cling to a little tiny part of your humanity is what allows him to torture you so effectively. How can he take something away from you if don’t have it to begin with.
Therefore, I do not that that tension is a bad thing (perhaps Bad Thing ™?)
Besides, his expectations will change relative to progress. You may get in trouble “all the time”, but its for infractions that are totally incidental in less deep/intense D/s relationships. I think that anyone who thinks that you are insolent hasn’t read your journal, not in a sense to try to understand who you are (though I don’t think a person can be fully understood through their journal)
Those are very good points. How do you retain personality (personhood) and still “be” an object? The two clash *constantly*. Maybe there is no answer, maybe one of the two ideals will have to give (either less of the c-i-c or less of me). In fact, that’s probably what will happen, and dare I say that Master’s choice between the two will probably change from time to time. At least, going from past experience, that’s what I see His preference being. He wants both, but only when He wants them. He’d probably like a switch that He can flip back and forth between the two. Who knows? Maybe in time, when the kids are gone and there are less distractions on a daily basis, that internal switch will evolve with little difficulty.
poop cake = gross. the only time i ever want the words “poop” and “chocolate” associated is with regard to things like “reindeer poop” or things like that. and thats a concept. it doesn’t actually *look* like poop. (see this: http://organizedchristmas.com/reindeer-poop for what i mean). i pulled the pic up and BP was like “WTF is that?!”. totally ewwwwwwww.
Oh come on! I totally think you should make one for your parents for Christmas dinner. *snicker*
Hello honey,
i sent you an email from my yahoo account.
hugs,
oh p.s.
When can i move in?? LOL
tomorrow? ;-)
OMG… I could have lived my whole life not knowing about poop cake… really… no problem…
Me too! I’m traumatized I tell you!
That poop cake was the nastiest thing I’ve ever seen.
Who would want to buy that? I mean, seriously.
As for the rest of your post, I think your dertermination for wanting this lifestyle is admirable. I hope that years from you and your Master will get to reap what you sow.
I simply adore that you share these sorts of thoughts with the world. As far as have a ‘nicer’ journal if you just kept the issues to yourself, one too many people has journals like that – the ones that read like seamless happy-happy BDSM fiction that’s passed off as unobtainable reality. I was simply thrilled when I found your journal, that it discusses the positive aspects of the relationship along with the negative aspects in a thoughtful manner. It’s darn refreshing!
I like the point you make about working on the relationship WITH your Master instead of blindly leaving everything up to him. (That almost seems unfair to the dominant partner if there was no feedback from the submissive partner… who knows.) All relationships are a constant work in progress, no matter what the dynamic.
Just wanted to express my appreciation for your writing this journal. While I don’t identify as a slave, I certainly identify as a submissive to the man in my life in-and-out-of the bedroom. It’s really wonderful to be able to read your writings.
Why is poop cake nessecary in this life? I mean why? Why WHY?
*big sign of relief*
You site was down (at least for me) for a good portion of tonight. Felt like forever.
I’m glad you’re back!
http://www.fabulousfoods.com/recipes/dessert/cakes/kittylittercake.html
My mother made this one year for my son’s birthday.
The poopcake made me think of it. And yeah, I had a hard time eating the b’day cake.
I want you to know I have been unable to eat chocolate today, thanks to you.
I just wanted to say bravo for this post. (Okay, so not so much on the poop cake thing. That’s just… ew. And double ew.)
But it is one of the reasons I love your blog Kaya. You let it all out, you share with us your journey and it isn’t “fluffy”. You know where you are and who you are. No matter what though, in whatever post you do, the love you two share always shows through. If it didn’t, you guys wouldn’t have made it this far. That’s for damn sure.
And your right, its to easy to give up and to suffer through this life by everyone else’s standards. I’m glad I didn’t give in, and I know you are to.
Kaya,
You’re absolutely right. Both you and Master have seemingly conflicted goals. However, have you thought of what makes them compatible? You have, on more than one occation, said that you want to be “taken.” That you want your obediance torn from you, to be taken “against your will” so to speak.
That’s the key. Simply accept that you will have the pleasure of having your will ripped from you over and over again. It sounds much like, for me, reading a book again and again. It’s just as pleasurable to reread a book as it is to read it the first time. I suspect that you will enjoy each reduction from person to c-i-c just as much as you will (have?) enjoy the first time.
As for poop cake, to quote Galaxy Quest, “That’s just not riiiight!”
Dave
hmmm.. i guess you’ve never seen the kitty litter cake either t hen?? *grins*
http://www.fabulousfoods.com/recipes/dessert/cakes/kittylittercake.html
kaya: absolutely not… my (89yearold) gran is coming for christmas lunch too and i love her to bits, i don’t want her to keel over with a heart attack! *stomps off muttering*
btw speaking of christmas, if its ok with your Master, could we have your snail mail addy please so i can return the christmas card you sent us last year? email me!! (will do a formal email request if its required). *hugggggggss and xx*