Planting the Seed.
Master is gone and I have FAR too much time on my hands so my apologies if I make no sense whatsoever.
I suspect I’m being manipulated, but Master is very good at it, and it’s very subtle and it’s just subtle enough that I’m not sure.
It all started with my favorite color. Master tells me all the time my favorite color is blue. Very matter of factly. I think I used to correct him.
Master: I bought you a new dress. It’s a blue one because I know blue is your favorite color.
me: Well I like blue but it’s not my *favorite* color. But thank you for the dress!
~~
Master: I was thinking I’d get a new area rug for the living room. What do you think about a blue one? I know blue is your favorite color.
me: Blue is nice. That would be pretty. I do like blue.
~~
me: what is my favorite color?
Master: Blue.
me: Oh. Okay.
~~
Now that’s not word for word of course. So last night, Am and I were at the store browsing through clothes. I held up a shirt, a blue one, and Am wrinkled her nose at it. “Don’t buy that one,” she said. “It’s ugly.”
“No it’s not. It’s my favorite color.”
But… my favorite color didn’t use to be blue. However, as I mentally sift through the rainbow, I cannot pinpoint what color it was. I focus on hunter green which used to be the color theme of my living room, pre-Master, so it must have been one I liked but if I were to say hunter green was my favorite color, it feels incorrect.
Red or maroon colors dominated my wardrobe once upon a time, but they don’t anymore. Blue does.
Periwinkle is a gorgeous color. I do like it, but I think I just like the word itself.
But I KNOW it was not blue. It was not. Everyone likes blue and I never do what everyone else does. It was mint green or burgundy or lilac purple or misty rose. It was not blue.
I KNOW blue is not my favorite, but I’ll be damned if I don’t gravitate toward blue-colored purchases. I’ll be damned if I’m not proclaiming that blue is my favorite color simply because he keeps telling me it is. I’m starting to believe it.
Sneaky bastard.
I think he does this all the time.
manipulate – verb
1. influence or control shrewdly or deviously
I can remember way back as a teenager going through therapy after the abuse came out. I was in the room with my doctor and my mother. The doctor had just finished giving my mom some details of the very early abuse that I had talked about. My mother was denying some of the details as being possible. The doctor finally got exasperated and said “Look lady. It doesn’t matter if YOU believe it. SHE believes it. So to her it’s very real, and she still has to deal with it as if it were real.” And I remember right then doubting my own memory for the first time. What I remembered as happening in my very early childhood remained, for me, doubtful, all the way until my own memories were confirmed by the admission of the abusers.
So I think I’m very easily led by planting seeds of doubt and replacing them with other “truths”. The more he continues to reiterate what he says happened, the more I “remember” it as he explained it. The more he leads my thoughts, confirming them as I go, the more I accept it as fact, as the way it’s always been. I find myself asking HIM things about ME all the time.
Do I like french dressing on salads, Master?
No, baby, you don’t.
Okay. What do I like?
You like ranch.
Oh.
You love these black clamps, don’t you, cunt?
Actually I think they hu-
You love them. You told me so.
I did?
Last time we used them you said they felt great. They feel good, don’t they?
Yes Sir.
(and I shit you not, anytime he tells me to go get the clamps I love I grab those black fuckers. And they really do hurt! Those are the ones that caused the bloody nipples the other day. But I grab those clamps and I think to myself “these are my favorite clamps in the whole wide world, yes indeed! they really are!”)
I used to hate fishing. I used to hate camping. I used to hate the feeling of being held down, snug against another body, suffocating in their body heat, invading my personal space.
He takes me fishing over and over again. Each time he says “you love to go fishing with me, don’t you, cunt?” until my responses switch from “Meh. It’s okay I guess” to where I am now the one to suggest that we go fishing/camping/snuggle on the couch until I can’t breathe.
I used to love romantic comedies. I used to love tear-jerking dramas like Beaches. I wouldn’t sit through a Rambo movie if you paid me. Now what do I pick out when Master suggests I go get a movie? Die Hard. Alien vs. Predator.
I dunno. Maybe I’m seeing things that aren’t there. Maybe I’ve stumbled upon the Great Master Secret of Manipulation and now that I know it won’t work anymore. I’ll be cast out as a traitor, untrainable, unusable.
Maybe I should go clean the house…lol
Because I love to clean. Master said so. ;-)
~cunt
Tags: general, M/s rambles, weird
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday April 29th, 2008 9:38am
Ooh…this could be a fascinating psychological study :)
j/k…maybe.
I’m trying to remember the last time someone tried to plant an idea in my head that wasn’t school related. I’m certain it was probably something that Penguin said but it wasn’t on the level of changing my favorite color, or my salad dressing taste, or my preference for nipple clips.
Regardless, I love your insight into things. It’s very cool.
lol, they are sneaky little devils like that aren’t they?
Heheheh, this post made me laugh and laugh. Until I thought about how it applied to my life, and the little ways that I’ve changed for D. And some of the not-so-little ways…but I think I’m a better person now, and I know he gets the credit. So…they are such sneaky devils, aren’t they?!
I know that a number my own preferences are changing to those of my Master’s. I don’t know if he is doing anything actively manipulative to make it happen, or if it’s just part of being a slave, but I now prefer to wear clothes he thinks are sexy, I prefer the cane to any other toy, even the girls on the street that I check out are girls he’d also do a double-take for.
He has changed a bit in my direction, though. He didn’t really used to like sushi, and now he’s the one suggesting we go down the local sushi place for dinner! And he does point out girls with curly hair for me to oogle (I have a curly hair fetish!)
Have you noted your Master finding an appreciation for anything you particuarly like?
Hmmm.. nothing comes to mind. I’m sure there is *something* though. I haven’t yet convinced him that American Idol is the best show in the world but I’m not giving up! ;-)
Kaya,
It’s not your imagination, but knowing what’s happening proably won’t stop it. You see, part of it is that you WANT to be changed by him (the whole cunt-in-a-box thing). The other is that it’s just so powerful, a bit like peer pressure, only he’s the entire “peer group” in one person (being in charge helps too).
There was a study a while back on peer pressure. Ten people were told they were part of a math ability test for the man on the street. A simple math problem was shown and they were told to give their answer. The kicker is that, nine of them wer ein on it and all chose the same WRONG answer. The vast majority of the test subjects (the one’s not in on it) would change their right answer to the majority wrong answer of their “peer group.” What’s interesting is that it only took one other person to be in agreement with the subject (only eight people being in on it) to resist the pressure. Having even one peer buddy is incredibly powerful. That’s why solitary confinement is so devestatingly effective in breaking prisoner morale.
In your case, because of your choice to be his slave, there is only one “peer buddy” that means anything to you, you’re Master, so you tend to drift his way. Why isn’t he drifting your way? Just as in the study, there are always a few people who are so sure of themselves that peer pressure can’t budge them (such as your Master or myself).
Dave
I knew I wasn’t crazy! Thank you, Dave. :-)
That’s so funny, and you know it doesn’t just happen in M/s D/s relationships. It happens in ALL relationships! Every year when I go home for Christmas my mother asks why I’m not eating the yams… and every year I tell her I hate yams…. and every year she blinks at me and says, “No, you love them!” She means it. :)
lol.. my grandma used to do the same thing to me!
Lol!
That cracked me up I can relate to it!
rosie
xxxx
You love my blog, you told me so.
(snicker)
LOL
I do love your blog. I just can’t read you posts cuz you lock them! Brat.
Then ask for passwords. Ill share them with YOU cuz I trust you :D
I’m not allowed to ask for passwords! But they can magically appear in my email box as an invite. *hint hint*
;-)
Reinforcement = An increase in the strength of a response following the change in environment immediately following that response. (Master’s satisfaction and pleasure that your favorite color has become blue).
Shaping = Systematic, gradual adjustment in response requirements for positive reinforcement; reinforcement of successive approximations of a desired response. (Master’s repetition of his belief that your favorite color is blue, and reinforcement for your response that it is indeed blue).
Prompt = Artificial stimulus used to increase the probability of a desired response. (Master: “I was thinking I’d get a new area rug for the living room. What do you think about a blue one? I know blue is your favorite color.” You: “Blue is nice. That would be pretty. I do like blue.”).
Prompt-fading = Gradual introduction of goal stimulus and withdrawal of prompt stimulus. (No Master present; You: “No it’s not. It’s my favorite color.” At this point, prompting is unnecessary).
Your entry just follows operant behavioral conditioning principles (and aligns with a final exam I will soon be taking) so neatly I had to comment on it.
I remain,
Yours,
A psychology trainee
YAY! A fellow psych person.
I’m a Counseling Grad student.
Well I’ll be. You didn’t just make that up? That’s a really real conditioning thing?
Weird. I feel like a lab rat. ;)
Hey there kaya_s I finally got to peek in a see you – so glad that you are doing well (from what I can see from this post and the last one). Always wishing the best for you and your family,
Demureserinity
What a great post.
They say, you know (those psych people) that if we hear something often enough, we will believe it. And that’s just simple repetition, not the kind of careful psychological shaping you’re undergoing. But what’s fascinating to me is that this may be the (range of)key moment (s)in your own psyche, where you recognize in the same moment both what was and what is, when you begin to transform.
Thank you for writing it so well.
So you think my realization will be beneficial and not a hindrance? I would think I would be able to resist more if I know what’s happening.
I remember when I was in therapy and I was being told by my mom that the abuse that was happening to me was all in my head.
I really liked this post, it made me stop and think about the things that have changed about me to favor Master.
I know that I don’t comment here too much, so I thought I would now.
Frustrating isn’t that? To be told that what you remember isn’t real?
It’s not unusual and knowing about it won’t change things. At least, if you’re anything like me it won’t. There’s quite a bit that I despised before meeting Master that I’ll lap up with all the joy in the world now.
Steak’s a prime example (pun optional). I have always hated red meat. I dunno why. It just grossed me out. The texture, the taste, the smell… Once in a blue moon, I’d eat a burger but it had to be cooked just right. No pink. Not even the tiniest bit. But steak? Yeah right. No way, no how.
Until Master suggested steak for dinner one night. And my protesting did nothing to change His mind. And he cited my iron deficiency as His “one good reason” I should eat steak.
Now I suggest it. And when I say I hate steak now, He chuckles and lets me go on believing that I hate steak. And when I say I only eat it because He tells me to, He laughs and once in a while will point out that this time it was my suggestion.
So.. is it just luck or the natural way things go or are they really doing this on purpose? I just don’t know!
this was really interesting!!
while i don’t think(!) my daddy does it on purpose, i think my tastes have changed some too… and i KNOW that i sometimes ask him “do i like the salad at this restaurant?” or “did i like this store last time we went?” and i wear more purple and pink things– purple because it’s his favorite color (while i love it too, i never loved it for clothing), and pink because i’m his little girl. before my wardrobe was almost entirely black, and if i had to wear a color, it was blue or brown.
however, that said, he also eats a LOT more vegetarian food (i’m vegetarian-leaning-towards-vegan), and loves what i cook (i’m the cook of the house) so i’m not sure it’s anything on his part, but just two people adapting to life together.
i’m not so sure about your case tho ;)
I’m not sure either. Maybe I’m reading more into what it really is? Or maybe he really is that sneaky-smart.
But I know there are some things that I conciously choose to do because it’s pleasing (like wearing a certain outfit, cooking a certain meal) but other things are less of my own choosing and more.. I dunno what… subconcious I guess.
this was a really, really interesting entry. wish i had more words to tell you how much this made me think. ♥
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