Pictures
Pictures speak a thousand words right? So I don’t need to explain anything then.
Good.. cuz I’m a freakin’ basket case..lol
Okay, I’m not.. but I was earlier. I’m getting better.
Master hasn’t had the camera out much since He’s been home, which is fine by me really. He’s still home but sick so while it’s been wonderful having Him here for this long of a stretch, it’s in a diminished capacity as He really isn’t very spunky when He’s ill. (Who is right?)
That’s been particularly hard for me to deal with. Though I know He’s not up to par, I’m chomping at the bit to playplayplay… it’s rare that we have this amount of time. The kids are in school and He’s here and I’m here sooooooo…
What ends up happening is me moving into that place where insecurities start boiling over, those “He doesn’t want this, why doesn’t He want me, etc etc” and pretty soon I’m the baddest little slave girl ever, stomping around slamming doors and making faces behind His back. He finally ordered me over to Him and pointed to the floor at His feet.
“Present yourself.”
I flopped down on my butt, facing *AWAY* from Him. (I told you I was bad!) After a quick and angry order to turn around and DO IT RIGHT… I did, sort of. On my knees at least and facing Him. With my arms crossed and my lips pursed.
He slapped my hands down to my thighs. (Even as I’m ashamed of being so petulant, I just keep going! And I know, man oh man, do I know how bad I’m making it for myself.)
“Is this how you were taught to present yourself?”
“I was never taught nothing!” I snapped. (yeah, grammar goes right out the window along with training when I’m pissy.)
He asked where I learned how to kneel at all then and I said the internet.. which pretty well sealed my fate I think.
So, being tied down to the coffee table and whipped was bad. Being told not to talk, scream, wiggle or close my legs while He whipped my pussy was bad (and fuck if I don’t hate pussy whipping. hate hate HATE it), having Him squat over my face and piss in my mouth was bad BAD bad (what can I do with it but swallow?), flogged, cropped, whipped.. untied and face fucked.. bent over the couch and cropped and whipped again.. and then sat in the closet because I needed alone time to think about why I was so mad was bad. Bad I say.
It was all bad because I was bad. Because I’m spoiled rotten. Because I.. me… myself.. CRAVE being beaten and used and I want it right NOW pleaseandthankyou… because I forget that it’s not about me and what I want.. that I don’t set the schedule.
He’ll get me when He wants me. Trying to force His hand never ever turns out well for me! Why in all that is Holy is this so hard for me to learn!!? I’m telling you, my ass will be ground meat before I figure this lesson out.
Play time can be bad.. and it was.. I didn’t cum! Not once. He beat me, He orgasmed and enjoyed it, then He put me away. And it all could have been just the opposite.. if I wasn’t such a spoiled little whore. (Don’t get me started on who’s fault it is that I’m spoiled… just don’t… it will NOT help me here!) AND (don’t ask me what I think about ungrateful Masters who have horny lil sluts at their feet begging to be beaten.. that also will NOT help me today).
Now that was just a joke… put the whip DOWN.
It seriously is becoming somewhat hard for me to sort this. I tell myself that I should be asking, or begging, or something to show my enthusiasm for this. But if I’m getting sort-of punished for it… of course I’m going to stop… though I agree it’s all supposed to be done at His discretion… but wouldn’t it become an issue if I *never* initiated play? Or never acted like I wanted it?
Not that I think I can ever get to that point anyway.. I mean I seriously have like detox symptoms if I’m not getting enough pain. When He’s home and the kids aren’t.. it’s the equivalent of walking into a rehab center waving a crack pipe… I completely lose my mind.
Where the hell did that BDSM 101 manual go?
It’s all just a big ol’ circle of HELL if you ask me.
After the closet, He tucked me into bed with Him, still not about to give me an orgasm the stingy Man, but I didn’t want one then. Contrite and apologetic (the closet works, blast it all to hell, not much else to do BUT think in there) though I was still a little stand off-ish, which I often am when I feel punished and ashamed and want to crawl into my hole and lay low.. but He was having none of that, wouldn’t even let me go pee alone cuz He knows, evil genius that He is, that being alone when I’m “there” makes me go deeper, so He holds me and makes me touch Him and reconnect.. and damn if I don’t eventually come back, all in one piece.
At any rate.. I have the most gorgeous bruises on my tits and some on my thighs.. I give up on my ass, it’s never going to bruise again, I’ve used up all my allotted ass-bruises for this lifetime. 2,006 swats and while it’s retained that mottled red look and has a really rough scabby feel to it, nothing pretty. Nothing impressive. Stupid ass.
Anyway.. here they are. Long overdue.
Tags: attitude, disobedience
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Thursday January 5th, 2006 4:31pm
I cant seem to quit rubbing my boobies in sympathy pains, ARGGG, I am such a boob wimp LOL. Il take the pussy whippings before booby torture. I think Im hyper sesitive though just his fingernails feel like needles. You are a brave brave girl. But looking at this, Im lgad you weer secured down.
On the mouthy side, I suffer from the same thing, when I am pissed everyone is going to know about it until I am not any more LOL. I stomp about the house and my biggest sincher is my mouth I also pop off with some off the cuff remarks when he asks simple questions. Tsk Tsk.
It just happens, really it does (adjusting halo)
tia
LOL… even Master laughed when He read this.. “it just happens!”.. I use that same line. Along with “I cant help it!”.. “Well, I was mad!” and “You deserved it!” None of them work either.
I love booby bondage and boy did I get it today… my right tit is getting purpler and purpler as the night goes on.. and swollen.. and I LOVE it. I can’t take that pussy slapping though, nothing reduces me to sobbing faster than that. He knows it too. Bastard..lol
Now Im cracking up because all those lines are my favorite ones especially the “Well, I was mad”!! See totally diffrent situations and people but yet so much a like. Lots of times all I get out is a Well……….. and its met with something like he can tell if its going to be a smart ass comment off the get LOL.
tia
Hmmm ,there’s a good point – one that I have pondered before …
how does a slave initiate? Isn’t that an oxymoron?
We are supposed to want and need and desire and crave out Masters, Their touch, Their use of us … but we are also supposed to operate under the rule of it all being His decision and choice. They will play with us when They want.
It’s times and issues like these that still make me wish I could have been happy just being a sub. Well, ok, not really – but fucking a they just have it so much easier lol.
Lovely bruises and signs!!!!! You lucky girl… my skin seems to be made of plastic..it never gets signed!!!! :(
Hugs,
schiava
http://schiava.blogspot.com
Not up to par
You pushed (trampelled) the limits, he slammed them back. Think how much worse it would be if he did not.
We find having one of us sick really screws up our dynamic. If I am under the weather her rock turns to a marshmellow (I don’t do sick very well). This is really stressful for her. We are nowhere near the Master/slave relation you have. I am quite sure she still feels and believes she is in total control of her world – that the kink and power exchange is all voluntary and can be switched off with logic and will power. But the reality is remove the rock and and she becomes alternately cranky, depressed, needy, and did I say cranky?
Interestingly when she is sick I DO get horny – at least if she is just under the weather with a cold or something. (I lose it pretty rapidly if it is anything serious and I can’t control the situation – she handles things like accidents, operations, and birthing babies better than me. LOL) The bleary eyes, red stuffed up nose, and generally needy weakened state must awaken the beast, and abstinence was never my strong suit!
Daddy hasn’t allowed me to shave for a week already. I don’t understand. He doesn’t even like hair!! They just enjoy being mean I tell you. ;)