Perfectly Flawed
I have a lot of flaws. Some I embrace, pieces and parts of me that make me unique; some I accept with weary defeat, having finally realized I’ll have them forever; but one flaw in particular is a bitch to kick.
I don’t know how to disagree about something important. I simply do not know how.
(I *am* learning what doesn’t work though! 
)
I was just never taught how to express a differing opinion in a healthy manner. It was never done in my house. My mother ruled with an iron fist. Us kids were not. allowed. to. argue. Ever. At the first sign of disagreement, she’d plop us into separate rooms and there we’d stay until no trace of dissension remained. If it was a toy we were squabbling over, that toy disappeared immediately and forever. And none of us ever argued with her, unless we had our own obituary in hand. She’d crack us the very second she even *thought* we were about to raise our voice or give an opposing opinion.
Any discipline was done by her. Any questions we had, permission needed, decisions to be made – done by her. My mom definitely wore the pants in our house. My step-dad still doesn’t cross her. I can recall two serious disagreements between my parents during my years at home: One had my mom standing in the kitchen whipping plates and glasses across the room, smashing them against the wall demanding that my step-dad give in to whatever it was that she was wanting at the time, and the other time, my mom simply left. Left all of us kids, checked herself into a motel and refused to come home until, again, my step-dad gave in. Other times, she’d lock herself in the bedroom, or give us all the silent treatment (for days. DAYS and DAYS.) or refuse to cook or clean or get off the couch. All temper tantrums, holding out until she got whatever she wanted from any of us. (ask me again why I don’t want a female president? My experiences with women aren’t generally positive or stable.)
So. I’m sure you can imagine how any of those scenarios would work in this house, yeah?
Master and I don’t disagree a lot. There’s really no room or reason to, given that he’s the final decision on most things. I’m glad for it usually. I don’t have a whole lot of trouble allowing him that control.
There’s just that one thing though. Isn’t there always?
There is one thing that I have VERY strong opinions on. That one thing is also the last thing left in my life that I have a deciding vote on. He also has a say in it. Sometimes we disagree about it. Vehemently.
And there’s the problem. I do not know how to say something and make it have the impact I want it to have. Obviously I can’t start tossing dishes across the room. I can’t lock myself in the bedroom or pretend everyone around me is dead. Yet, my attempts to discuss it in a rational manner seem so.. ineffective. It’s feels, to me, like what I’d just said about that very important subject was given as much attention as me announcing that American Idol is my favorite television show. I know he hears me, I know he understands the words, but it seems to have no *impact*. This is The. Important. Shit. (to me). Seems like there should be something to indicate an understanding of that importance. Fireworks, or trumpets, or *something*.
You know what used to get me fireworks in past relationships? Announcing that I’m leaving. Done with the relationship, done with it all, just leave me alone and let me go. Those other men I pulled that on would stop what they were doing, come to me, BEG me not to leave and then *listen* to my Very. Important. Shit.
I try that on Master? He says okay. See ya later. Good-bye.
He simply doesn’t allow that sort of emotional manipulation. Which is a good thing, I guess. Though it sure doesn’t feel that way at the time.
Once I’ve said it, once it’s out there.. man.. things get so fucked up. I feel bound by my words, absolutely crushed that he’s not fighting to keep me. It starts the whole insecurity ball a’rollin’. He never wanted me, he’d be better off without me, if he wanted me at all, he’d try and stop me, he hates me, he hates my kids, he resents me, he’s tired of me…. and on and on and on. It takes on a life of it’s own, the original subject entirely forgotten.
I’ve done this exact same thing a couple of times now. We’ve only been together for 4 years, we still have a LOT of learning to do, a lot of growing to do. Old habits die hard. It’s not easy to accept that what worked for years and years will not work now. I even tell myself as the words start to form in my head, this isn’t going to work for you, dumbass. He doesn’t play this game. You know this. And yet the words come tumbling out anyway. Once it’s said, it can’t be un-said.
This time was made particularly difficult because the last time I went down this road, he told me he’d never do it again. The next time I threatened to leave, he was going to help me pack and send me on my way. This bullshit of using my collar and my submission as a bargaining chip is so fucked up, so ridiculous… and yet I’d tried it, again, and here we were. I’d already gone through the process and worked my way back to pulling my head out of my ass, ready to apologize and get on with life.. but there HE was, with his words from the last time hanging in the air between us.
It really was touch and go. He doesn’t say things lightly, and he doesn’t go back on his word very often. Love or no love, commitment or not, he means what he says. And really, what else could he do? The very first time he allowed me to manipulate things like that, the whole D/s concept would crumble like a house of cards.
What happened this time is that I was beginning to understand that I was losing this thing that I’d worked so hard to have, that I’d wanted for my whole life. That *I* was singlehandedly destroying us by holding so damn tightly to this one last thing to control, throwing away my marriage, my Master, my world, to keep my iron fist wrapped around this ONE thing…
So I gave it to him. It doesn’t matter what it was, not to any of you, it’s only meaningful to me and him. But I gave it to him and it was a huge step forward for me. In the right direction, for a change. I didn’t do it in the spirit of desperately trying to sway his decision, I did it because I know my reasons for squeezing it so tightly were out of fear and insecurity. Trust is not given or received in one fell swoop, it’s taken and offered in tiny spoonfuls, here and there. I was holding that last little spoonful, that last little out… and now I’m not.
It feels good. Scary, but good. Freeing. A little sad, too. That “thing” was my friend, my security blanket. Now it’s not.
But we’ve definitely turned a corner, too. Every bump in the road that you overcome is a victory.
Carrie said this not too long ago: “I wonder, sometimes, about those relationships where everything seems to be smooth all the time. My conclusion is that, for the most part, folks are lyin’. 
Lying to us, lying to themselves, lying to feel better about… whatever. Learning each other, living with each other, loving each other… none of that comes without some bumps along the way.
And I’ve decided I rather like my bumps.
They build character, yanno? They make us who we are, create the facets that create unique individuals. The bumps are what make us shine as couples, yanno?
The eye glazes over a smooth surface but lingers on the details of ridges and facets and… bumps.”
So yeah, one more bump. One more flaw identified, fought and conquered. One more step on the path.
You’re perfectly flawed
You’re perfectly incomplete
A work in progress
Perfection is killing me…
Perfectly Flawed. (damn good song. You should give it a listen.)
~cunt
Tags: flaws, M/s rambles, reflection
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Saturday March 29th, 2008 8:11pm
And there’s the problem. I do not know how to say something and make it have the impact I want it to have. Obviously I can’t start tossing dishes across the room. I can’t lock myself in the bedroom or pretend everyone around me is dead. Yet, my attempts to discuss it in a rational manner seem so.. ineffective. It’s feels, to me, like what I’d just said about that very important subject was given as much attention as me announcing that American Idol is my favorite television show. I know he hears me, I know he understands the words, but it seems to have no *impact*. This is The. Important. Shit. (to me). Seems like there should be something to indicate an understanding of that importance. Fireworks, or trumpets, or *something*.
You know what used to get me fireworks in past relationships? Announcing that I’m leaving. Done with the relationship, done with it all, just leave me alone and let me go. Those other men I pulled that on would stop what they were doing, come to me, BEG me not to leave and then *listen* to my Very. Important. Shit.
I try that on Master? He says okay. See ya later. Good-bye.
I don’t know how many times I could have written that about me and J2. Hell, you’ve witnessed a few times by now. *smirks* Anyway, overwhelming curiosity aside, I’m glad to have finally gotten some words from you on all this.
And thank you again for your support. I’m incredibly grateful.
If you ever figure out the answer to NOT doing this anymore, let me know! ;)
I left him. *smirks*
I think what it really boiled down to is the fact that I hadn’t trusted him for about 5 years. I tried and he gave me reason to here and there but then there’d be something else that’d pop up to kill any progress I’d made. Such a tiring process. *sighs*
Assuming that this Thing of yours that caused this scene is what caused the last scene, I think you’re in the clear. At least on that count.
And you’re welcome, as always.
Glad to see you back and that you have worked things out
*hugs*
Thank you. :-)
I am very glad you and He are working it out. We, the readers feel like your family, and you worried us this time. Not that its any of our business, but we feel like it is.
The thing is, that if they are determined, you can’t fight with the Dom and win. They can’t let you win. They don’t let it go. At least mine doesn’t. So really its easier to give it up without the fight. Sorry, I think I am rambling. I’M learning as we go. We all are, aren’t we?
(And now, about Hilary… its your blog and you can say what you like but its a pretty sweeping generalization to think that women shouldn’t be in control. Even if its true, and it applies in general, a point I do not concede, there are exceptions, and she seems pretty exceptional to me. I know you have moved way past this in the last couple of days but its been bugging me.)
tina
“I’M learning as we go. We all are, aren’t we?”
Indeed. Nobody has all the answers I guess.
This entry is why I read you. You are so eloquent with your words and sharing the important parts of your story, and you simply make me tear up and feel all sorts of warm fuzzies for you. I’m only mildly kinky. I’ve never had the desire to have the relationship you have, and some of the scenes are a bit intense for me, but I keep coming back because your beauty, grace and dignity are something to behold.
*blush* And here I’m all humiliated and shit.
Thank you. Hugs.
sweetie, i love you, perfectly flawed and all. you inspire me. :)
my very best wishes to you and Scott.
hugs,
lee ann
Love you too, sweetheart. Hugs!
Yes, yes, growth is painful, but I always say pain, and fear are how I know I am alive.
I am also not over the sexism here. Anyone who says women are inferior, less evolved etc are saying those things about half the population of the world, as well as about me, my friends and family, and my daughter.
I’ve written about it on my own blog, so I won’t bore you with my hopes for a better world here. But please know that the sexist comments by kaya and her readers here are very hurtful. By internalizing mysogny you become the very thing we all struggle against.
Nelle
I had to laugh, Von up there? With the same name as I have? Said exactly what I was thinking.
And thank you for thinking it!
I could’ve written this. I couldn’t tell you the number of times i have flounced out of the house, declaring “I’m leaving!”. i’ve even done it in the middle of a rainstorm wearing pjs and slippers, realised what i was doing half way down the road and gone to huddle in the shelter of the front door of the block of flats, freezing with cold, till i swallowed my pride and went back for a severe ticking off (not for leaving, but for going out with thin clothes/slippers on, the stupidity of it). it got to the point once where if we were having an argument BP would hide my keys. automatically. and lock the door.
thing is, with me? i’ve always done it. even when i was about 7 years old. I declared i was leaving, i packed up my favorite toys into the lil trolley that held my bricks and pushed it out the door and down the road. Down the busy, main trunk (dual carriage) road that carried all the cars out of the main city we were living in at the time and that i as threatened with “not sitting down for a week” if i tried to cross (generally, i mean, not specifically at that time). And my parents let me go. it was a different time, and i can’t see parents allowing children to do it now, but still. in many ways its shaped the person i am.
I’m a little better these days. its not an automatic thing i reach for any more, i have to be backed into a corner, and feel its the last resort. as it should be. i’m slowly learning that its not the wisest thing to do, and i’ve been told similar to you: the next time i actually make it out of the door, the door will be locked behind me and i will not be allowed back in.
I know what you mean about just expressing how you’re feeling not being enough. its like.. there’s so much rage, emotion, so much feeling locked up inside you that just saying.. “I am ANGRY!” (or whatever it is) just.. isn’t enough. it doesn’t express it, it doesn’t validate the tremendousity of the emotion. that’s not a word but i don’t care, it fits. it doesn’t demonstrate the emotion sufficiently enough, perhaps because “I am ANGRY!” is also used for those times when.. it does fit, when you’re “just” irritated and annoyed with something, without the tremendous emotion behind it. I don’t know what the answer is though. maybe to buy some junkstore fugly crocks to break in a pre-arranged agreement with Master so he knows this isn’t the normal shit? some prearranged sign? i dunno but i know one thing: it isn’t just about communicating the emotion, its also about expressing it (and getting rid of it). I don’t think emotion like that can be contained.. it has to be gotten rid of. somehow.
I don’t have any answers. just wanted to let you know.. you’re not alone. and to give you big bluemonsterhugs. with the tack bra. of course.
*hugggggggggggggsssssssssssssssssstight*
keth
xx
“because “I am ANGRY!” is also used for those times when.. it does fit, when you’re “just” irritated and annoyed with something, without the tremendous emotion behind it.”
Exactly.
I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe it’s just that I don’t get to have that sort of impact with my emotions anymore. Or maybe we can come up with some way for me to be able to express it as deeply as I feel it.
I just don’t know. I only know what isn’t working right now.
Thank you, darling. Its so good to see you here. I miss you!
you’re welcome. and hey, i always read you, every day! just .. struggling some atm :( haven’t blogged in a while either. not good. ah well… swings n roundabouts :)
hey, on a more positive note: you growing anything this year?
xx
We’ve been there, too. With similar outcomes. Like you, I think there is a part of me that wants to be assured that He’ll come get me. I’ve come to understand that He won’t — that however it might hurt Him to do it, He would let me go. Ultimately nothing holds me here but my intention and my word. For that, I am on my own…
Welcome to this side of the bump. There’ll be more probably. However, every bump we learn to navigate over or around is education for the future.
Wishing you both all the best.
swan
Thank you. On one hand I can appreciate the lessons past the bumps. On the other hand… it really sucks donkey butt getting here. ;-)
Kaya, darling…
I am another who uses the “i’m leaving” argument, not to get my way, but to be noticed. to get others to see me, include me…but it truly never works. Things may got all right for a moment or two, but in the end life just goes on. I am still here, and so are they are we move on like we are supposed to.
So, I understand how you feel and am so very glad you came back to us , and have seemed to take the necessary steps gain to finding your happiness.
*hugs*
you are loved and were missed and worried about.
ooops, the anon comment was by wickedlilone from LJ
“Once I’ve said it, once it’s out there.. man.. things get so fucked up.”
I hear you. Once you’ve said something like that, it’s really hard to go back from it. I’ve had it said (either by me or to me) only twice in my life, and both times the relationship was done right that instant, which I think is the only reason I haven’t pulled it on M yet. (Although I should shamefully admit I still yank off my collar and go “OMG DONE” when I get pissy sometimes.)
I’m really glad that you guys are working through it, and that you’ve made it around the corner. =)
Kaya,
I too could have written this post – if only I could have expressed it as well as you did. I react the same way, and wish I could learn to find a different way of communicating without those awful “I’m leaving” words.
Thank you for posting this. I’m so very happy for you both that you are working thru this.
Blush
Kaya, the struggle to gain control – make ourselves feel SAFE by using the weapons we’ve honed over a lifetime – is not one we can simply will away. We’re eighteen years in, and I still find myself doing it from time to time.
Do I know it’s not going to work? That he won’t be manipulated? Sure. Only at the time, it doesn’t feel like manipulation. It feels necessary – SHOW me you love me. SHOW me that I’m wrong to feel this way.
Only he can’t. It has to come from me. I have yet to see drawing a line in the sand and demanding he step across it be successful. So why do I still occasionally do it? Hell if I know. Guess I’m not perfect. Oh well.
I can only tell you that I do it a lot less than I did ten or fifteen years ago. Sometimes time and history goes a long way towards making us feel safe. I think we grow up our whole lives.
Be happy. :)
“I think we grow up our whole lives.”
Brilliant! That was great, Pagan, and so true.
~melissa
One other thing about hitting those bumps, hurdling them, getting to the other side…
The feeling of being washed clean.
The sigh of relief.
The exhilaration of having done the thing you thought you couldn’t do and survived to love and live some more, better for it.
Where… what… would we be without bumps?
Gah. ^^^ That was me.
Carrie Ann is right: they’re lying (couples who tell you everything is perfect). Either that, or they’re brain dead. i frankly think Oour relationships, in the Life, have much LESS arguing than most, and Wwe still (obviously) have Oour share as well.
It’s the process of real intimacy, that bump. i’ve had quite a few myself. While it makes me a better person, and afterwards i’m grateful for them, it does truly suck donkey butt – and usually leaves a lot of blisters and red-rimmed eyes and total exhaustion around here.
peace, dear heart. fight on,
MSkitten
I am in awe of your ability to share yourself on your blog so well. I admire your courage to live the life you desire. I also admire your courage to share your opinion about women the way you did. I feel the same way you do. For me it’s only natural, that’s just the way the two sexes are different. I also feel that this point of view isn’t necessarily evil. Women are not forced to agree with us. I wish more women could feel comfortable in who they are and how they live, like you do.
I’m a regular reader and a not so regular commenter (sorry!) ;)
But I wanted you to know that i identify with so much of this. that ‘emotional manipulation’ stuff? That’s really ingrained pattern stuff that is super hard to recognize, own, and of course, to change. True trust isn’t as easy as it seems to some of us when we first start out in these power exchange relationships (and by first start out, I really mean any new relationship – and especially those with a D/s element that is in it’s younger stages). The thing is, that trusting someone to choke/cut/hurt/beat you is often easier than trusting them enough to let go of the few ‘tools’ we have to exercise control from a more emotional/psychological place. I’m going through some hard knocks relating to this myself lately…
Anyway, I just wanted to say BRAVO to you for letting go, for choosing trust, not fear. And BRAVO to your Master for his handling of the situation.
I have actually found with my Syr that knowing I could lose Her if I pull some of the shit I’ve pulled in the past – helps me grow and become a better me… because I don’t really want to lose Her, and i know if I push too hard or in the wrong ways – I will. A little of THAT sort of fear can be a healthy thing.
Hugs and Blessings,
alena
Kaya,
God, I can so relate. Disagreement with dad was not permitted, upon pain of punishment. My coping methods, you know the broken ones, are/were different from your, but it took me years to even see them for what they were. You are so ahead in the game, so to speak. Revel in the knowledge that you have a “take no BS” loved one to help you.
Dave\
The way you expressed that whole feeling was wonderful. i’ve often wanted to just get up on a chair and scream “listen TO ME”…in fact, once when i was a child i apparently did just that to all the boys in my family because they hadn’t given me a plate during Thanksgiving dinner. (i was the only girl and was sitting at the kids table with all my male cousins) Sometimes i know that i say things i don’t mean just to get some reaction out of someone. It’s like “i’m feeling these enourmous (sp) feelings so you should be feeling them too” then, as soon as the words leave my mouth i’m thinking “no no…come back” because i know that not only have i said something horrible but it’s not going to get the reaction i want and it’s wrong of me…not to feel that way but to say things that are so wicked and hurtful to someone who loves me.
fown
*hugs and more hugs*
I’ve been trying to figure out a good response to this post, but I feel like anything I could say would be fairly inadequate. I do agree that this sort of thing where you just explain life so well is one of the reasons I read you even if/when I disagree. You have a way of explaining things that’s very clear.
And, like just about everyone here, I can relate to the communicating with “I’m leaving”. The only reason I don’t really have a fight or flight instinct with my master is that years before we were M/s, I did break up with him and at one point went for a couple years with no contact (not immediately subsequent and not by choice, but there was a situation where it wasn’t necessarily safe for him to be in contact with me). And honestly it was the worst couple years of my life. So in a lot of ways, the only reason I don’t have the instinct to run with him is because I know what the running feels like. It’s more than enough to keep me around.
I am glad that you’re working things out. I think what concerned me the most was the fact that it seemed so sudden at a point where you seemed to be talking like things in general were not going so badly and because you’re often so incredibly honest about the ups and downs and it didn’t seem to be a particularly down period. Good luck :)
Kaya!
I know this post is really old in internet-years, but I just wanted to say thank you. I don’t argue the same way as you do, but our techniques are in the same family and certainly just as destructive. And meta-fights are the worst. The other week, Týr and I had a fight about whether we were having a fight. Gah. It’s like trying to put makeup on in a funhouse mirror.
Týr and I have been together about as long as you and your Master. It’s not easy, even four years out! But the fights that make both parties realize how to help the relationship go forward are, like many kinkier things, purging fire. I love Týr both for putting up with me and for trying to make the fights few and far between. And, you know, because he totally rocks my socks.
He’s a huge fan of yours (“did you see what Kaya posted today?”), so I have some high standards to live up to!
Kaya,
I’m new to reading your blog but I will certainly be reading more.
I have threatened to finish with hubby twice. Due to anger and frustration. I feel I just want him to fight for me. I’ve never thought of it as my own insecurity before just him being too lazy to want to make me stay. And yes with other guys in the past who have begged me to stay I’ve always left as I despised their weakness.
You’re really making me think.
Sully d