“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
I had every intention of shutting down and walking away. I haven’t been online since I took the site down. But when I got on this morning and saw the messages, I realized that just disappearing isn’t the way to do it. It’s not polite.
This place is about the journey of a Master and a slave, which, at this moment, we are not.
Master (or should I call him Scott now? Did anyone not know his name? Seems like it’s been leaked anyway.) and I are taking a different path for the next little while. Well, for the next long while, though in the grand scheme of things it is a little while.
Time is funny when you get older, isn’t it? Jes will be 17 this month and I think back to the day she was born and feel like the last 17 years went by in the blink of an eye – but I look forward to the next 5 years and it seems to stretch for an eternity.
I’m babbling.
No. I’m avoiding. This is not an easy situation to explain.
Master..*sigh*.. Scott (this could take some time. Old habits die hard.) had requested something that I found I simply could not do. Nothing sexual, nothing painful, nothing humiliating, or any other kinky freakish thing. Something that the minute details of don’t even matter. What matters is I realized that I could not, would not, will never do it. No matter what.
It laid to rest a rather nagging internal war I’d been waging for years. A sort of ‘what would I do if…’ scenario that suddenly wasn’t an “if” anymore and suddenly was answered with perfect finality.
I found myself, for the first time since we became Master and slave, feeling powerless in a completely bad way. I felt trapped, resentful, angry, and also for the first time, regretful.
I also saw, with startling clarity, what a heavy burden I am to him. Like a rope about his neck, I hang there. And from me hangs three other ropes. And from them, another rope had been added.
He was at his breaking point and there is no shame in that. There is no shame in being honest about your limitations. But there is shame in trying to force your own limitations on another who doesn’t share them. Especially one who is as stubborn and pig-headed as I am. And especially when I’m only just discovering that I’m limitless where he is not.
I am not ready to surrender all. I am not ready to give up all control. I am not ready to be powerless.
But that’s not entirely correct either. *I* am ready, me myself, all of me. But I am not a singular, I am a plural, I am part of a “we” and an “us” so therefore, what I am ready for doesn’t matter a whit. I owe big pieces of me to others, I don’t know for how long, I don’t know where it will take me, I only know where I cannot go just yet.
Oh I know I’m being all sorts of convoluted and cryptic. I really want this to be prettier than “He told me to do something and I said no. The End, Adios, See ya later, alligator.”
But maybe it’s really not any prettier than that. He told me to do something and I took off my collar and handed it back to him. And then I shut down the website and set about planning my future. Pretty, no?
Okay, so there were some very ugly moments, both quietly inside and vocally outside. I’d never felt so torn, never felt so conflicted, and never, ever felt so strongly that if I did not stick to my guns, I would regret it, and resent him, and hate myself, for the rest of my life.
I hated him for a day or so. Hated that he wouldn’t just cave and give in to me and let me do this my way. Ha. That’s funny, isn’t it? Because had he done so, I’d have lost all respect for him and all would have been lost anyway. He’s a smart one, my husband, and I love him still with every fiber of my being. I will always be his and nothing in that way has changed. But what is changing is me, my status, my choices.
I’m moving, actually, back to our home town. I’m going to go back to school and rent an apartment and raise my kids and live freely. He’s going to stay here, with the cats and the dog, and go to work and live HIS life, freely and happily.
And we’ll meet up now and then for hot raunchy sex, and I’ll come here when the kids are on school vacations or when I have time off of work and someday I’ll be back for good when I AM ready to surrender. Until then, we’ll be weekend ass slappers or whatever other slightly derogatory term applies to kinky folks living in LD relationships.
Funnily enough, where once I would have spat out those same derogatory terms, I’m quite pleased with them today. They sound just about right, just perfect. Maybe this is where I eat crow or have egg on my face for past declarations, but maybe not. Because what I am saying is that since we are not going to be living in a manner that facilitates a functioning Master/slave relationship, I am not a slave.
I don’t know what I am, but I know what I am not. I’m okay with that, too.
It’s a terrifying venture, but it feels right. It feels more right than anything I’ve done in a long time. We’ve talked at length of it, we’ve made the promises and we’ve spoken with frightening honesty. We’re aware that this will “make us or break us”, aware that we’ll either find out that we’ve taken the other for granted or that we’re glad the other is gone, or some equal mix of the two.
Maybe even looking forward to finding out.
And so I thought that closing down here was the thing to do. I see long stretches of vanilla-hood ahead of me. I see long periods of boredom, of fear, of drudgery, but, too, I expect lots of good things. This could be a spectacular mix of mothering, working, and finding independence splashed with periods of kink and flavored with defining myself in this relationship.
Or it could be none of that. It could be…. just another blog. I don’t know where to take it or if anyone is interested in the ride.
I woke up this morning to two messages from the Universe. Today’s message and one from the other day that I hadn’t seen yet. Now, I’m not a big believer in cosmic intelligence, but sometimes, maybe, the skeptic in me has to take a backseat for the day.
“Life, what a trip! One minute you’re born, the next you die. Then, one day, you stand back and say:
“Aye yai yai! Was that ever believable, or what?! First I thought I was this and then I thought I was that, then I became this and then that. Hold on now, why are you looking at me like that? Wait a minute… OHMYGOSH! There was a pattern! Holy cow! You mean I could have thought anything… and been anything?! But what about limits? How could that be? What do you mean pie in the sky? Dreams come true? Infinite possibilities?”
Fortunately, Tess, there’s still time…
The Universe”
And then today’s message, a reference to the song “My Way”, the lyrics of which are stunningly fitting:
And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full
I traveled each and ev’ry highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way
Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way
Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way
I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried
I’ve had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way,
“Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way”
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!
~~*~~
So, I guess I’ll see you around. Maybe here, maybe there.
~Tess
LikeTags: breakup
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday December 1st, 2008 9:12am
Tess,
I don’t think I’ve ever called you this before, always using Kaya. Sonehow, given what you’ve just wrote, it seems appropriate. Let me assure you that I am, in fact, interested in where and how your life goes “post-slave” as it were, though maybe “temporarily non-slave” would be better since you, at this time, plan on returning to Him as his slave when you’re able. Through this blog, I’ve come to see a bit of your children and would feel like something had been lost if you were to go away. I have, in fact, been quite worried about you and your blog ever since I first got the laughing squid page instead of you (did you get my emails).
I understand how hard this must have been, even while it seemed so easy to “take the collar off and hand it back to him.” Your slavery to Him has been a major defining part of your life, and you had to walk away from it. I won’t give you any silly platitudes like, “You did the right thing,” “it’ll work out in the end,” or “You’ll be back togteher soon.” The truth is, I don’t know that any of those are or will be true. We do what we think we need to do and then accept any consequences that come along. What I can tell you is that, I’ll be here, listening, offering support and trying to be a friend, for as long as you want and need me to be so.
And to all the trolls out there who’re going to pop in anonomously and say, “I told you so,” I say, fuck off and die, assholes. Tess is my friend, she’s hurting and doesn’t need your shit. So just back off.
Dave
Yup.
And you know where to find me if you need an ear. -hugs-
Seeing this makes me realize that even the best of things end.
Everything stops.
It all comes to a screeching halt and most of the time, you dont’ even see it coming.
Let me know.. here.. or there .. I’ll be there.
You just can’t leave us. Those of us who are your internet friends.
We care! When you hurt inside, in your heart, we feel it too. Especially when you write so well. For over a year I have not missed a single entry. I was really lost with that big black screen all weekend. There is a time of my day which is set aside for you. Please continue to write about your new life and share with us all the little and big things which bring a smile to our faces and warmth to our hearts. No you’re not the only blogger out there, just one of the best! It’s like you’re next door sort of or over the side yard fence and I like listening to you most every day. You say good stuff.
Some of us will always be here. I definitely want to read where your road takes you and I hope you know that we’ll always be here for you, no matter who or what you are.
You’re an awesome woman and I’m glad to “know” you, even though all I know is what you’ve written.
I agree with Devil Dave – it’s like we’re all a community, and we’re leaning over the fence talking about our days. I know I’d miss you if you were gone, so as long as the blogging thing works for you, I know I’ll read.
I know you don’t know me, but feel free to toss me an email if you ever need someone. Sometimes “I don’t know you” works, I guess.
Best wishes, Tess, in a brave new world. *ends corny monologue*
Tess ~
You will obviously decide what is best and right for you, but I want you to know…*I* don’t read you for the kink. I did at first, it’s true ~ not as a turn-on, more as a curiousity and mind-stretch ~ but I continue to read you (every freakin day) for…well…YOU. For your words, and thoughts, and courage, and sharing. Those things will be there whether you are “vanilla” or not, and I’ll continue to read for them as long as you post.
It sounds completely corny for a total stranger to say this, but I am soooo proud of you for baing able to make what has to be an impossibly difficult decision. None of us know what the future holds, but some are brave enough to make it for themselves rather than just allow it to happen…bravo, you strong woman you
I just hope that you will allow us the priviledge of making that mysterious journey to the new you alongside you.
Hugs,
Devani
I’m so totally agreeing with Devani – I found you through the “kink” aspect, but now just read for YOU. I love your blogs and do hope you’ll continue. Weird that I feel I’ve gotten to know you (and rarely comment…sorry!) but I’ll miss you terribly if you go! Please keep us posted on how you’re doing!
(I’ve been reading forever… And I have finally had a name settled on for me… So, I might LOOK like a stranger – but I swear I’m not!)
I’ll echo Dave…
“There is a time of my day which is set aside for you.”
I’m truly hoping you don’t leave. It was devastating to see that stupid squid this weekend where your words should have been. I wanted to punch him and say “You laughing now, twatface?”
I refreshed obsessively, and (in my non-technologically oriented manner) poked my boyfriend, asking what “could” have happened, looking for some reassurance that, uh, like… I dunno, the BDSM turkey made you exceed your bandwidth? ANYTHING other than “she’s gone.”
…Then resorted to obsessively going to blogs you like.
…Then I became incensed that no one was freaking the hell out over your absence.
…Then I decided I was being kind of ridiculous.
Long comment even longer – I really, really hope you stay.
I admit I came to this blog originally to read about your lifestyle, but I stayed to read about your life. So whatever that may be, I want to hear about it.
I love how you share it, I love that you share it, and I love being able to come here and experience that.
Tess
I lived with M for a year and a half with my kids – he did everything he could to be a good co parent but in the end we had to seperate and I raised my kids alone. we continued to see each other on a weekly basis and only lived 4 miles apart for 10 years.
once the kids were adults we moved in together again, that was almost 2 years ago.
it is a rare success story but I am here via email or phone or web post or anywhere you end up online to talk if you need to. Being independent as a single mom and trying to find out who you are to yourself not to everyone else is the hardest thing to do. good luck, I’m still searching but it is easier to figure out when you make the choices and they aren’t made for you.
I am making an assumption that the family/kids had a lot to do with you saying “no” to whatever it was. If this is the case, it isn’t a failure in any shape or form.
Love Sunnilady
There’s no egg on your face and no need to go anywhere unless you want to. I also read you for *you*–because I think you have interesting things to say, not because I want to know how to be A Real Slave and I think you have the secret password.
Anyway, I am glad you are still around, and I hope you stay that way. In any case I wish you lots and lots of luck. And by the way–long distance D/s? It can be WAY hot. Heh.
I could not say it better – you will be missed and it’s really not the smut. You are a gifted writer and the next 5 years should be worth reading about. zWould love to know if you start blogging somewhere else
I have read your blog for a couple of years now, ever lurking as I live a rather vanilla life and thus didn’t feel I had any useful to say. I probably don’t have much useful to say now either, but I would just like to say that I hope you will continue your blog. I am very interested in hearing how your life continues.
I am actually rather shaken by the two of you splitting up. I never saw it coming, and I really feel for you. All of you. There is nothing I can say, a faceless commenter on the webs, that will make you feel better, but I wish you all the best there is.
If you feel it’s right for you to close your blog, close it. But I do hope, rather selfishly I have to admit, that we can still follow your journey through life, with or without kink.
I wanted to post earlier but didn’t really know how to put what I wanted to say into words.
TeaRose has done that.
I’m echoing these two.
Ditto
Tess,
You can’t really leave, because so many of us hold you in our hearts, and all we have to do to hold you near is think of you!
Blessings for a safe, illuminating and fun journey!
Plz keep in touch, if you can!
Susanne
Tess, really strange to say that…all I can say is that I echo others here who read you not for the sex, which was good, but for your mind, which is also very good. I hope you stay around and blog everynow and then, I too set aside a time for you every day. Life sucks some times, and it is really hard but I have totally faith that you made the right decision for you and that you can do what you set out to do. You are one strong lady. Peace, your friend, the Prof aka Steve
I rarely commented since I didn’t think I have anything substantial to add but I’ve been reading your blog for about two years.
I am shocked to hear the two of you are splitting up! This was quite a surprise. I wish you all the best on your journey ahead. Going back to school and working outside the home is definitely a HUGE step (one that I couldn’t even imagine from where I’m standing right now).
I will come back to this site and see whether you decided to keep us in the loop as to how you’re doing. Slave or not, you are very interesting and reading your blog helped me quite a few times in my own journey.
I hope everything is going to work out the way you want it to be.
*hugs you*
Maybe i’m fooling myself, but i imagine i can read between the lines, hon. Please let me know if you need anything. i’ll ship it for ya. Some things we’re still using, and some i already gave away, but i have some, too.
My yahoo ID is perverselove, and i’m always invisible (since i’m in and out all day with the boys). Please send me an IM if you want to chat or need anything.
i have no doubts that it will all work out the way it needs to for you. None. Its going to be okay. *hugs you*
Being a mom just kind of trumps everything. Mother Nature intended it to be so, for the survival of the species. Being Mama Bear is something a good mom can NOT just turn off.
just…i’m so sorry.
Tess,
I like you. Please don’t go. You are the one bloger who I could count on to write something everyday. Considering the number of comments you always get, you are well loved and would be missed terribly. And I know it’s none of my business, but since you always write your truth, what the hell happened? And is Scott really OK with this? He loves you so much, he must be stunned. How far away will you two be? Sorry for all the questions, I am just so surprised. You are a wonderfully witty, strong woman who lives out loud. I know you will find your way.
Hugs, Latebloomer
Wow. This was unexpected.
I hope you know that I wish you the best of luck. I’m sure you’ve got the strength to make it through, you have before and you’ll do it again, but I also know that starting over, no matter what, can always be scary and hard.
If you keep blogging, please know that you’ll always have readers (Come on, think of how excited people get over kitty pictures!) and I hope you’ll continue to write, if not here, somewhere else.
Also, try to really enjoy not being a slave for awhile. It can have its perks, even if it doesn’t seem so right now.
As a long time reader of your blog I want to thank you for all your writings. Often thought provoking, never boring (well maybe a *little* on the cat thing) your blog is one of the bright spots on the web.
Good luck on your journey, where ever it leads you. Please continue to blog.
I’ve read your blog for a long time, and I would like to join the many people who want to continue reading, no matter where you decide to take your life. Thanks for sharing with all of us.
Dear Tess- While some readers seem to have read that you and Scott have split, I read it to mean you are taking a break, taking a breather, and maybe restructuring your relationship at some point. There are people here who read your blog for your honesty and your humor, some of which is laugh out loud funny. To tell you the truth, there have been pictures you’ve posted that I cannot even look at because of their graphic nature; I really DO come for your writing. Do what is right for you and your family – all of you. You’ll figure it out, darlin’. I have every faith. You have found an optimistic voice in all this that glimmers through. Listen to her, she’s your truth.
Tess,
this is the first time I have written a comment, although I have read your blog for well over a year, never missing a day. I started reading it not for the kink as such, but to get an insight into the everyday life of a 24/7 slave.
I became hooked almost immediately, and you have followed avidly all that has happened to you in the past year. I think the first time I began reading was when it was your birthday and Scott took votes on what your spanking should be, and it ended up some ridiculous number with the cane. I became hooked from that day and feel like in a small way i know you, although of course i don’t, not really.
Of course I don’t want you to stop writing, and I will continue to read wherever your future takes you, but I also realise that’s selfish of me. Like the others I refreshed furiously over the weekend when I got that green squid, hoping that you werent gone for good. But it’s not about me, or anyone else and what we want, its about you, and what you feel is right.
All I can say is if you do decide to stick with the blog, I will follow you with interest,
I wish you all the best, whatever you decide.
huggggggggggggggs
sweetie, im so sorry that all of this is happening. i wish you the very best for you and your loved ones. i too hope you stay and blog. i may not comment much, mostly cause i mess up my own relationship with Master so many times, but i do read you daily… you make me think, you make me smile, you make me laugh. i talk to Master about you like you are my friend next door… there is a select list of blogs i read and i hold you all dear to my heart. im sending the warmest, tightest hugs to you today and in the days to follow.
warmest hugs,
Hisflower
Tess,
Thanks for coming back and letting us know you were okay. If you decide to go on blogging – for you – then I’ll go on reading. I was looking for erotic blogs when I found yours and even though it is often very erotic, I stayed for the quality of the writing and because you are so clearly a person of worth and character. How can you not care about someone who is so honest and so likable and so engaged in personal growth? Even though this is the Internet and we haven’t actually met and this is only the second time I’ve ever posted, it really feels like I know you. And so I was worried.
As painful as this decision was for you, it feels right to me too, if that means anything. I have this feeling that you have so much more to discover about yourself and your potential. I know this time must be terribly scary but I hope it’s exciting too.
I am sending many cyber hugs.
Tess,
You have become an important part of many people’s lives including mine and I would feel privileged if you decide to continue to share with us. So many of your challenges with your children parallel the challenges Sir and I go through with my 14 yr old daughter.
Please stay in touch and let us know how you’re doing, we care about you and your family.
junebug
one more thing -
sending lots of hugs in your direction.
Dear Kaya,
Until now, I have been a happy lurker with no need to comment. With regard to your latest entry, I must say that I have found that changes, big and small, expected and unexpected, can complicate our lives, and our plans. But with love and respect, strong bonds forged from shared experiences will survive all. From what I have read, You, kaya, and your Master will endure.
Everything else aside, you are a gifted writer willing to share with others real life experiences and thought provoking observations. Please continue writing in whatever form or forum you desire.
Meant to send you bunches of warm hugs -
I understand what you’re going through more than you will ever know. Please don’t leave all together though…You are one of the few people that I actually care about in my little light box.
There have been countless offers of people willing to be there for you – please add my name to the list. You still have my email, no?
♥
I am speachless, surprised, sorry….I will gladly still follow your journey – I never comment by lurk daily. It sounds like you have made a decision that is right in your heart. You are a very strong woman, Tess. I am certain, like your cats, you will always land on your feet. Be well strangerfriend.
Di
What else is there to say then good luck to your both. A D/s relationship is always more intense then a vanilla relationship. I realy hope that you will be happy in your new life.
Good luck and see you around!
Tess, I am quite surprised seeing that your blog was not there. Even though I followed it just for a month. I went trough most of it. It revived my interest in D/S lifestyle.
Whatever you do hope you have a successful and happy life. I love the way you write. Would love to read more from you.
Keep writing and Take care
I suppose you could say I’m rather blindsided.
Good luck, Tess. Go where you think you must, do what you think you should, be who you must be. I hope you do not leave use completely. Best of luck, not just to you, but to Scott, Jes, Am, and B-man as well.
wow.
there i was all weekend thinking i had something wrong with my puter!
i am speechless at this news…i cannot imagine what you (both) must be going through.
i wish you strength and fortitude for the days and months ahead…
i sincerely hope that you continue to write…i have been a daily visitor for almost two years and the lure is not the smut, but YOU…the way your mind works and the eloquence with which your words flow and make sense for so many of us, sitting out here reading the screen nodding thinking “yeah…what she said!”, or even just having our grey matter lured in a new direction
what you have built here is like a community…i think i speak (type?) for us all when i say “Please don’t leave”
Big warm hugs
weirdgirl
Good luck, Tess.
As you can see, there’s tons and tons of complete strangers (well… I guess we all feel we know *you*, or parts of you at least) that really, really care. I dunno. If you want to start blogging only about the hot raunchy sex you and Scott will be having, I’ll come back and read that. If you write post after weepy post about Jes, I’ll be back to read that.
I guess… you’re important. Very important. When the website went down I guessed that you just forgot to pay or something. And just as obsessively as everybody else, I kept hitting repeat. Because I like you. I like your ranting, and while I know we’re not getting everything of you here, I feel … I dunno. I care, is all.
If you need a place to vent (after the 32 other poeple before me on this list have said), I’m here. I’m close to Jes and Am in age (well… relatively), and if you need an ear… yeah, well.. I already said that.
Cheers, and good luck again!
I have never posted before but I read everyday. I will still come read. i hope all ends well with you.
I have seen this coming for a long while. I have been one of those anonymous readers that eveyone hates.
I was in the same atmosphere for 3 years. Giving everything to the one who I though owned me and looking after my kids and it never ever works.
There is always something that pulls you in 2 halves and it actually seems that its more into little pieces than into halves.
I am in the middle of experimenting with the LD M/S relationship now and, believe me, it is hard work and I honestly don’t know if it will work.
At the moment I am going from feeling satisfied & happy when I am with him and convinced I am doing the right thing by keep9ing everything seperate and then I go home and responsibilities crowd in.
I keep telling myself that things will become better when the children are older and independent but when does that happen?
I really hope that you get things sorted Kaya. It has been like reading a mirror to myself when I am reading your blog.
Take care and be strong – you will need to be.
Lynndee
Oh wow. I’m surprised, and yet I’m not, in a way. When I saw the blog was taken down, I wondered, I suspected, and I hoped I was wrong. I’m glad that you’ve brought it back online, and I wish you only the best in your future endeavors. I’m glad that you are looking towards the future positively, and I wish things could have been different for the both of you. But it isn’t. But you’ll be fine. You are one of the strongest individuals I know, and we are all a bit luckier for having you in our lives.
I have been reading your blog for close to two years now. Since I started my journey into this vast and diverse lifestyle, you have been there for me. Your writing helped me to delve into ideas and places I would not have gone on my own. When I thought the spark was gone, you would renew it for me. I have grown to care for you and your family through your writing.
With your recent move I had great hopes of actually getting to meet this wonderful person who lets us all have glimpses into her life. I am devasted for you. I have little words of comfort, tho I wish I did. I am speechless, yet I felt the need to send you my support in anyway that I can help. Please, PLEASE, count me among your strangerfriends and lean on me in any way you need to.
I feel I should give you a glimpse into my life. About 1 1/2 years ago I moved in with Sir and his children with my son. It was rough in the beginning but we all seemed to be doing ok. My son has behavior problems and his behavior clashed quite harshly with their lives. He could not adjust to having ‘brothers’ and there were hurt feelings as well as physical hurts caused by his actions. In the end about 1 year later, they could no longer deal with this dynamic and could not wait for improvements. We agreed that I should get my own apartment. I did and have struggled with what that means for us now and in the future since then. I do continue to wear my collar as a symbol of my submission to Him and His will. I do have more freedom to plan and live my life now, AND He still has the right to put his foot down and change my plans (not affecting my job or son’s school work). Anyway, long story short, I do have some idea where you are at…and no idea at all, as we are all so different in this big world. I do not see this as the end for the two of you but as a new journey in order for you both to deal with the separate parts of your lives so you can return to each other…better than before.
Sending best wishes,
amanda
Good luck with wherever life takes you.
-Lydiab6
wow….Mistress and i were stunned when we read this post. Her and i have always admired your courage in being forthright and enjoy your humor. we hope you keep writing about your life. whatever you decide…we know you will prevail through anything (btw…”my way” is my fave song).
sending you (((hugs)))
Please add me to the list of people who love to visit you every day and hear your thoughts. I wish you the very best and hope all works out for you.
I truly hope you continue to blog, it was so odd not being able to find you these past few days! Please don’t leave all your cyber friends in the dark when there are so many of us who care about you and your future.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Tess or kaya or whatever you wish to be called now:
I just want you to know that you have always been one of my daily reads. To not be able to read about your life, good bad or indifferent, would be a big “empty moment” in my morning routine.
Please keep writing. You have partly been the inspiration for me to keep a journal which is now on line http://www.kailakupps.blogspot.com.
Don’t be surprised if you can maneouver (at least the day to day stuff) will relative ease. Although I didn’t live as you did, I was forced after more than 2 years in a relatioship to make a difficult choice. Hard yes, but the choice I needed.
Keep writing, and whatever you do, please don’t lose touch. I feel like i know you.
kaila
a/k/a zin
i haven’t been able to pop in and see you as often since you left LJ, but i can tell you i have missed reading your blogs. Night after night, Sir would ask if there was anything interesting. Funnily enough, i was always reading your entries at the time! i would tell Him some of the little stories you wrote about, comments that made me laugh about the kids or the cats.
i’ve enjoyed reading you for the way you write. The kink was interesting but not the most important thing. you just are a fantastic person who is very easy to become fond of..even through words only.
i was totally gobsmacked when i did a quick visit on here to see how you were doing. Take care of yourself hun. Go where your heart takes you and i hope i’ll be made to smile by your words again…when you’re ready.
Major hugssss
pj
xx
I commented awhile back about calling your Master vanilla. I stated then that I was an old dom and how refreshing it was to tune into the life through your writing. Neither of you will ever forget the journey you have taken together. These memories will eventually come to be an obession in themselves and last forever. All I have are my memories but just to let you and him know that these memories and experiences are more powerful and wonderful that most people will ever experience in their vanilla lifetime. I wish you both the best.
I have been honored to call you kaya.
I am honored to call you Tess.
I will always feel honored that we have called each other “friend.”
I’ve never read here for the kink or the smut. In fact, I often avoided those posts altogether. I have read here because at some level, you and I have been companions on a journey. I still believe that is true because I’ve walked the path you are now on and lived to tell about it.
You will go forward, and you will decide (for now) what you need to do for those you love and care for. I wish you all the very best.
You know where to find me if there is anything at all that I can offer you or any of yours.
Hugs, swan
Kaya, (you’ll always be Kaya to me – I’m strange that way) I don’t know what to say, except I wish the best to you, your children, and to Scott.
If you continue to post, I will continue to read because, although I liked the pictures, I read for your writing. Even though things are different now, I’ll keep checking for updates.
~hugs~
Dragon Mage
Kaya,
I do not know what to say – there have been so many times I have wanted to comment but have remained quiet until now. I have been reading for a while and I think I have always been a little in love with you and what you had with Scott…
I hope whatever is going on works out the best way it can for you and that you always find happiness in whatever you do.
I will continue to keep my eye out in the hopes of hearing from you again.
EmmyBlue
Kaya,
So many of your readers feel we need to say something to you, to try to help, to let you know we are here for you, even though you don’t know most of us. Someone up above said that we are your strangerfriends, and I think we all feel like we know you because you have shared pieces of yourself and your life with us.
If you were a real life girlfriend, I would tell you not to make decisions in haste, not to burn bridges, not to make assumptions about his feelings. I would also say that there are some things you can’t compromise on. I guess you know the difference when the time comes.
I wish you well. We love your writing. Its not about the smut for us, its about your ability to write. Maybe you should write a book? Would we get enough of you that way?
Good luck with what you do, where you go. I hope we all wake up tomorrow and discover it was all a mistake. Is it childish to hope that?
Thanks for being so honest with us, for sharing your journey, your thoughts with all of us.
I’m proud of you for doing what you need to do for yourself and your kids, T. I had a moment of clarity about how dependent I am and where I’d be if he ever decided to leave and it near about shook me to the core. And that’s when I started school, and started becoming self sufficient.
I’m sorry that this is happening, but if it’s what you need, then it’s probably a very good thing. I’m happy for you as far as you are happy and sad for you in the places you are sad.
Kitten
Tess,
Add me to your followers/friends… i,too, care and want the best for you…
Thank you for being you…
If you ever head back towards P-town, drop me a line. There may not be a coffee shop, but there’s a Subway! =)
Dear Tess,
I came here several times over the weekend and was shocked to see the site down. Now that its back up and running and i read this post i’m even more shocked then ever. I hope you both find exactly what you are looking for. Please don’t leave blogville all together because you would be great missed.
Big Hugs
His mija
Tess/kaya,
Like many others here, I am glad that you came back and posted about what was going on, and wish you and your (former) Master the best going forwards.
But I must say that it strikes me that the two of you might be being overhasty in separating. Obviously it’s hard to know without having heard the details (or having met you), but if this is a case of your Master giving you an order that crossed one of your lines, it doesn’t need to lead to separation.
I am aware that fantasy slaves give up their safewords and become nothing but the property of their Owners (“nothing but His cunt” as some would have it). It’s great in fiction. In real life there are going to be things that slaves are simply unwilling to accept, no matter what they’ve agreed to in the past. Was there any way for your Master to back down and save face? Could this all be fixed by coming up with such a mechanism?
I know that slaves want their Masters to be perfect, but We just ain’t. We fuck up like everyone else. If you hold him to a perfection standard (“I hated him for a day or so. Hated that he wouldnt just cave and give in to me and let me do this my way. Ha. Thats funny, isn’t it? Because had he done so, I’d have lost all respect for him and all would have been lost anyway”) there is just no way he can live up to it.
Could all this be solved by the two of you agreeing that it is okay for you to have limits, and have him abide by them, but you’re still his live-in slave? Like maybe give you a safeword?
As I said, I don’t know. I’ve never met you and don’t even know what the disagreement is about. But you seemed so much happier a week ago.
All my best to both of you,
Dioneo
Tess:
Please don’t go away, even if you start a blog about your new life. Even if you just pop in and say hi to me.
I love your writing, I love your humor, I love your outlook. All mothers are fierce and we will do what we have to for our kids. Been there done that, have the tee shirt.
Your owner, husband, other half whatever you are to each other now, have had something special and it will continue to be special. Life is about evolution, and I don’t believe this is the end, rather a beginning.
zin
I’m so sorry. I’m a longtime lurker, but believe me when I say your absence would be felt in my life if you just dissappeared.
Best of luck,
RM
Aww, man… and here i thought your site was just hacked… this catches me a little off guard, a little like a deer in the headlights and yet, didn’t i do this about a year ago? i believe i did. And you know what? It brought my Owner and i even closer together… and because i know it can work that way, i hope the very best for you.
Please don’t disappear completely for you truly have many people who come here for more than the blood and pain and tears; you are an amazing woman and yes, i AM interested in your drudgery.
Sign me up whereever you go and if you have to, come drag me out of my bubble and know you have an ear and a friend here who does care about you outside of this forum.
Please never hesitate to call upon me.
Always.
xxx toy
sending you both my thoughts, may what ever it is you need to do, be a safe journey for you..best of wishes kayla.
I am but an egg, and in being the egg, I am all.
This goes not for me, but for everyone else, too.
We are only children in the span of everything. We will know nothing and everything at the same time, but we can only get where we need to be by admitting that we know nothing.
It has been a fun few years, though late they may have been, watching you grow as a person. Wherever your path takes you, you know it will take you where you need to be. As Tolkien said, ‘Not all who wander are lost.’
A merry meet, then a merry part, to merry meet again.
I wrote his on Sunday. as an email
Just to let you know you have been VERY help full with my wife and I understanding our problem. We got married 19 years ago and had a kinky but not Master /Slave sexlife . Fast forward 17 years. Kitten (my wife) and I are in the thick of life I have a small company and she has been working very hard at raising our three kids 11,13,17. And we are the best of friends. But we were dying in the bedroom.
I have all ways had very Dom tendencies but I was raised by hippies so I was miserable (very liberal ). She was strong willed to me (but wanted to be a sub so bad). So there we were. And she was looking for a marriage(sex) counselor on the net. She typed in Submissive service Counseling and got your blog. In it you recommend the secretary the movie to someone. she read your blog and rented the movie then called me home. I was working 400 miles away. I got home the next morning expecting the worst. Instead she explained her feelings and I confessed my Dom tendencies. We have never been happier. We learned as we went and joined a munch and more. We had collaring ceremony 1 year later. We look forward to your blog. You are funny and understanding of our situation.
I just wanted you to know you have helped people out here in lurker land. And we would read your blog if it was about paint drying the fact it has sex in it is a bonus.
Master and Kitten
I wish you a happy journey and i hope the two of you find your way back to each other when you take care of what it is that you need to take care of.
I dunno if you’re still reading these, but in case you are, know that you’ve impacted me, too. Dozens of times I’ve found myself sitting here, reading your blog, nodding my head and saying, “YES! That’s exactly what I was trying to say!”
I can’t decide if I should congratulate you on making this necessary step in your life, or offer condolences for the (temporary) loss of your relationship. Either way, know that you’re in my thoughts, and I hope that you’ll continue to update, even without the smut. I love reading whatever you have to write.
Tess,
I’ve tried typing several things and nothing seems right….
I was worried when your site was down, and am glad you have at least told us all what is going on. We worry, ya know?
Good luck to you. I hope you find happiness.
Ruby
Man, kaya (or tess..but it seems strange to use your real name)…..i feel so sad for you and your Master (Scott). i can’t imagine what you are going through but i can tell you that i will be so sad to not read about your life. i read you because you are you…with the D/s, M/S, slavery, whatever “it’s” defined at. All i can say is that i know i will miss you.
Good luck and i hope you guys find your way back….
love,
rayne
Good lord, I’m sitting here near tears! I’ve always been a bit oblivious and idealistic…so I guess I didn’t read between the lines like others might have…but I didn’t see this coming. I do understand that it’s a “restructuring” rather than an ending…but I can also imagine that there’s a lot of mourning going on for you right now too. At least, there would be for me. For whatever a relief it might be for new beginnings, new journeys…it’s always hard to leave the old and comfortable behind.
All I can say is that, like just about everyone else here…I’d like to keep in touch…and hope sincerely that you continue a blog…either here or a different one, and allow me to continue on your journey with you. My LJ has been filled with very little M/s stuff lately. It’s a reflection of our lives at the moment. I love the way you write though and I love that you’re so intelligent. I’d miss you something terrible if you went away and would always ALWAYS wonder how you were and what was going on with you and your kids. Don’t make me wonder!!!
I’m sure you’ve gotten a million and one offers for keeping in touch but I’ll throw mine in there as well. I’m never on AIM, but my LJ email or my regular email are always open if you just need someone to chat with.
Take care honey.
I don’t think I’ve ever commented here before. Where I do write frequently I’ve imagined people get tired of seeing my tagline. I write it consistently each time I write because I believe it expresses ideals that are important, and I am going to restate it here, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.” These words have transformed the lives of the three of us in our family, and they seem appropriate now for you and I hope for Him as well.
All the best,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.
I just want to echo the sentiment of others. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of years and will miss you terribly. Odd to say about a stranger, but its true. I admire your courage and your strength and would love to continue to be a part of your life…such as I am. lol.
Tess / kaya -
I echo the sentiments of everyone here. Please don’t go – you’ll be missed. Although I’m not into blogging, I’ve really enjoyed reading your writing and following your journey.
If there is anything you need/anything I can do as you continue along, please let me know. You are a very strong person; It will all work out in the end.
Nameste ? Did I spell it right? I learned it in my yoga class – didn’t think I would EVER take, much less enjoy, yoga. Life is full of surprises.
- Don (ymdtes at gmail)
P.S. I live in the NYC ‘burbs, so if you ever do decide to come and see the Big Apple, please let me know! I would love to be your guide/host.
I am sorry you are going through this right now and I know things will turn right at the end. I will miss you if you do stop blogging but I do understand if you have to. Hugs
oop forgot to put my name on it so it was luvbunny
*Big hugs*
I echo the rest.
I came for the kink. But I stayed for you.
Add another one to the interested voices…
“I came for the kink. But I stayed for you.”
I could not put it better. Thank you for all the times you made me laugh and made me thing. Peace and blessings on your new path.
Tess,
Sometimes the hardest person to be honest with is ones self…I am really glad that you were able to do that..it’s hard to live your life in a public way, even the semi-public of your blog. Thanks for sharing it all, good bad and ugly…please keep sharing it as much as you’re able. Hugs and well wishes for this new direction on your lifes journey.
fown
Chalk me down as another lurker- I have always loved your writing- your sense of humour, outlook on life, and the way which you portrayed things have really given me inspiration on how to lead a life.
Anyways, I do truly hope you will include us in your new chapter- you have been an inspiration and a balance and given confidence to many.
Thank you,
Delurking after almost a year to wish you all the best. I love your blog – and not just for the kink. I love your voice-you are intelligent, articulate and funny as hell. I even enjoy the kitty pix! Your comments about mothering, especially about the challenges with Jess, give me hope that I will find a way through my own situation with my difficult daughter. I would continue to read you if you wrote exclusively about cats or snow or tack bras. You go, girl! I’ll be here cheering you on every step of the way!
jacyb
We have enjoyed your blogs for quiet some time. We have loved, cried, and learned from your experiences. We purchased some of your toys. We would dearly miss your writings should you decide to leave us. Our lives would be much less without reading of your activities, viewing your pix, and discussing your doings.
If your followers have any input into your decision, please list us as very positive for you staying in contact.
Best of luck to a wonderful lady.
M & P
Just know that I hold you in the highest regard. There are so many people in cyberland that care for you on a deeper level then just reading the kinky bits of your blog. I’m one of them. I would love to see you stay, but you lead a life outside of just online. Do what you think is best, and let the rest work itself out either way.
Always:
S.S.S.
What surprise.
In the beginning, my Sir and i came to read for the kink; and like many already stated here, we remained readers, (yes, lurkers), not because of the kink, but because of you.
Kaya/Tess, your a strong woman, who has had the guts and spunk to tell about life, as it really is; that even a M/s/D/s relationship is full of ups and downs. and if i may just add here,this change of situations sounds more like a separation of living spaces, not a spilt.
As many other silent readers/supporters that have come forth, we wish you the best, and ask you to please continue to peak in now and then and keep us informed as to your life’s new journey.
hugs,
pleasure
Kaya/Tess -
Master and I have checked in on you nightly for four years now. I found your blog via someone else’s blogroll and it’s the only one I still read. The reason? Your writing is brilliant, your spirit is engaging, and your intelligence simply shines through. Thank you for sharing so much of your heart with all of us. He and I (and a whole lot of other people, apparently…) wish you well. We have faith in you.
jocelyn and Don Lorenzo (and the kitties, too)
Wishing you and Scott all the best, however that may come…
But to echo the other posters… Regardless of what you’re blogging about, you have honest, intelligent and humorous posts, full of your integrity, personality, wit and charm…something lacking in so many writers, and i will miss “hearing” your voice if you don’t poke your head in from time to time….
Best Wishes to you in whatever you decide.
I hope you still blog, I will read you regardless of where this journey takes you!
You can contact me at any time if you wish (ceopet@gmail.com)
*hugs*
I commented above already but there is something you may consider as a part of you future. Dlstoy went through this awhile back and then reunited again. You may consider keeping your writing alive through the future months. There are others out there who are experiencing the same things you have and are experiencing. Share you emotions,thoughts, and feelings with them. First it will help them understand they are not alone, but also for you to keep in touch with yourself as to who you are what you are going through. You are a true submissive and that will not change. The only thing changing is your situation. Try reading The Slave in the Marketplace series. Both Master and Slave are effected in these situations. Sometimes it is a time of growth. Pain comes in various forms. Some forms of pain are not enjoyed but are beneficial in a relationship such as yours. I hope you stay online and share. It has been a pleasure reading you.
Dear Kaya, thank you for explaining. I was worried, before.
In only guessing what really happened, I still think you made the right decision. Once you wrote, I think, that if there was a decision necessary between Scott and the kids, you would go for Scott. It was one of the few times, when I thought you were wrong.
I can only hope that missing Scott will not destroy your new life for you. Living without him will just be so hard in the beginning. On the other hand – if you make use of all the freedoms – then maybe not. And never forget how often in the last year you were very desperate with your situation and wrote about it here.
Personally, I am very sad. You are my role model, Kaya. Your page was my very favourite, and it gave me strength, often, and lust, sometimes, and made so many things clear to me. I wish you happiness in your new freedom. Do relish it.
Love from Tina
Hi tess I have love to follow you for years and hope you keep bloging I will miss you if you don t. so please at lest let us know from time to time how you are ok.
and good luck
SirDuke
It’s strange how the internet works. If there wasn’t internet, I probably never be able to read your thoughts, adventures. Now there is the internet- I’m reading you for- I don’t know for how long. It hurts actually- you splitting up, leaving. Thanks anyway for sharing, for not leaving us behind without saying, explaining.
I wish you all the best (and- in secret- very selfish- I wish you keep on blogging)
first time poster, long time reader. I wish you all the best Tess. Thanks for everything.
Man who needs a Love Our Lurker Day, just threaten to close your blog and you’ll find out who’s really out there huh? Hehe.
All joking aside it’s true, I’ve commented maybe a handful of times here but I read every damn day, and my boy’s sick of hearing ‘this girl I kind a sorta know but don’t at all but I read her blog says…’ But he knew when I said your blog was down that it must be something serious.
I was worried for you and I still am to be honest, I hope you’re okay/will be okay. I send lots of love and happy thoughts and easy roads and hugs.
I also want to add to the millions of commenters who say ‘if you write it we will read’ because I know I will, even if there’s no kink and just you. That’s what I’m certainly here for.
Like many others, I’m a long-time lurker who has never posted. I have been reading your blog for so long I can’t remember when I started. I’m not in the lifestyle but I was intrigued by the whole 24/7 DS idea and found your blog to be one of the most refreshingly honest and interesting things I’ve ever read. Not just for your posts on the lifestyle, but for everything you have said. And I will continue to read as long as you continue to write.
good luck hope it all works out
Well you certainly know how to shock the shit out of your readers, don’t ya?
I’ve only comment a few times, but your blog is an everyday kind of thing. Not just for the kinky parts, though, I liked them as much as everyone else. Your wit and humor I’ve enjoyed greatly. Your rants and raves were really something else to read and pretty damn close to my own opinion, especially those about being on your period. God, you made me laugh till I cried on those cause I’ve been there, felt that and set the damn t-shirt on fire.
If this is indeed the end, I wish you the best of luck for you and your family.
Sierra
I’m sending lots of hugs and support your way.
Like many, I came for the kink (well, sorta, you were actually linked somewhere when someone asked a question about managing D/s with kids), but continued reading because you were funny and interesting. Even when I don’t agree with you at all, I enjoy reading your posts.
Good luck. I hope you decide to share more of your journey with us, but understand if you choose not to do so.
Wow, Tess–such a dramatic shift for you. I wish you and Scott the best, of course, but I selfishly hope you’ll keep posting here, every once in a while, just to check in. Your journey continues, after all.
Take care.
Seeker
I’ve been reading your blog for 2years as an avid lurker.
I love your writing, and add myself to the list of people who will keep reading no matter what you write about. Your skill with words and your humor are too much to miss out on.
I hope everything goes well for you and I wish you all the best.
MS
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
Hi Tess
I checked and checked for your blog all weekend. I am not sure if you know what a following you have online. I dont read for the kink. I read because you are so eloquent and wise and because you just put it out there.
I respect you very much and am very grateful you came back to explain
I sincerely hope you dont stop writing
xx
Tess N Scott,
I won’t pretend I am not shocked because I am. I am also saddened because I KNOW this has to be hard for all concerned. My heart goes out to all of you. This can’t be done easily for any of you. My heart aches for all of you today.
This little thing called life is hard , isn’t it ? Just when you think you have it all figured out “WHAM”. Blind sided by the flutter of a butterfly wings someplace over in Africa. Or something as equally unforeseen and secretly woven into our lives changes us, or our thoughts, or our intended projected designation.
The very act of living our lives changes who are are from one day to the next. Changes us into people we never thought we’d be. Changes what we think and feel and yes sometimes even what we believe in. It never happens in the blink of an eye though sometimes it seems to. It normally sneaks up on you and builds until the day comes you can no longer ignore the signs. Most days I wake and see another person looking back in the mirror at me and I wonder how she got there. Where in the hell she came from. That wasn’t the person I was looking at yesterday. This wasn’t who I intended to be or ever thought I would be. I had plans dammit. All changed with the wink/blink of a eye.
Sometimes I think we are all just out there chaotic like , running around on this big ball called Earth. Bumping and running into each other , and other times I think each little bump and ricochet is preplanned and happens for a reason. Most days we seem lost , unsure what or where to go next, yet other days you wonder if that thing that happened 3 , 5 or even 10 years ago happened JUST so this event would be easier. SO you would have the ability to handle it. Trying to make sense of it will drive you over the edge so we just go with it. We do the best we can most days and coast on other days.
Tess , one thing has come apparent to me over the years though. You are meant to write. It is ONE of your gifts. Where ever this life takes you , what ever it brings to you .. USE that gift. I will read what ever you choose to write about. It is not what you write about but the way you do it.
I don’t know much , But I know , bottom line , I love ya. At the end of every day , no matter what has transpired , no matter what you or I have said or done, or anyone else.. I still love ya.
You know where to find me IF you ever need me. ANY AND ALL OF YOU.
As many people above me have said.
I came here for the kink but have stayed for you. I feel like I’ve followed your ups and downs and in some way you’ve been a constant when my own life was being turned upside down.
I hope that you do well as I’m sure that you will. Just know that people out there who have never met you and most likely never will, love and respect you, for you.
I echo pretty much everyone else. I was dissapointed you took your blog down – the same time Persephone quit writing also! What was I to do?! Miraculously, I survived
You’re the kind of person that can put a funny spin on *anything*. I read you for your humor and genuiness – the kink is just an added bonus. If you do decide blogging isn’t fulfilling for you any longer, please do say goodbye. I’m a closure freak – I have to have it! Because, you know, you shutting down your blog is really all about me 
/sarcasm
*hugs*
Hello,
I’ve been reading your journey for a while now. I lurked. I admit it, I have lurked for nearly two years now. I have no major words to add to anything that has already been said. I can only say that You are strong, and you can do whatever you need to do in order to be happy.
And in doing so, you will find a brighter path for you and your family.
I will miss your wit and words. You taught me a lot about what I really wanted or didn’t. For that I thank you.
Good luck Kaya.
Longest Comment Ever IMO:
Perhaps I should have tried to write when I first read this entry, but I had to act “normally” and let it all sink in and now I’m back. I don’t wish to just echo the numerous comments above–though they all apply– but if this is the end, I have to say something though I’m not sure what that would be exactly.
Lately, I’ve come to realize that what we as people, as humans, as individuals, allow into out worlds is what colors our viewpoints and shapes us. For those of us that read you daily, you were more than just a portion of our day devoted to your thoughts. You have shaped me; perhaps not grossly, but do not doubt the power contained within you, even the words you may deem fairly insignificant. As I have no authority to speak for anyone but myself, I found you and kept you. In many respects, you reflect a portion of myself, so I feel like I know you, and thus I love you for it.
You have influenced my life, my choices, my thoughts, actions and behaviors because your opinion was one I value. (Not to mention the tack-bra inserts!) I have come so very, very close to writing my D/s problems to you in emails, just wanting your perspective. You have continually broadened my mind and I believe helped me to succeed through trials yet to be encountered because I was able to process through stages of thought with you.
As hard as it is to remember how I found you, I believe it was someone’s blog-roll and I was hungry for D/s talk in an otherwise vanilla world. At first, I was kinda surprised, maybe even repulsed, by you calling yourself cunt, but your writing was of a caliber I have rarely encountered. Some say it is the great writers or poets that can encapsulate in verse even just a moment of life, of truth, and you do it with regularity. I second the motion above for you to write a book, or heck, even compile your journal under a pseudonym; though I don’t believe I will ever get enough of you. I followed you from lj: from a friend list to an independent tab on my browser.
Ahh! the joys of a term I will now embrace, “strangerfriends,” you could never really do anything to offend or insult me because of this medium. Instead, everything just offered a view I could not push off because it was different or bothersome or, to be fair, logical and appropriate (all when I was the opposite, of course).
I believe you once mentioned a fellow blogger who was suffering through the end of a relationship and either you or she rightly observed that it is exceptionally rare to have any advice or experiences about that phase (e.g. tons of collaring ceremonies to google online, but no un-collaring ceremonies). While you have already been that rare exceptional gem in the internet–let alone the world–, you have given more than you ever could realize and owe nothing to these strangerfriends, blogging about your life could continue to help many–particularly those who haven’t found you yet. I have never heard a figure about the number or percent of D/s relationships that end and I would imagine that it happens much more than anyone would like to admit. Who knows, you might help me in the tentative nature that is the future.
I sincerely care for you. If the numbers of responses to this entry doesn’t make you believe how important you are or elicit the magnitude of significance you have in a way you can understand, try–just once–to tap that power in a way you do understand. If you are feeling low and money is a way to prove your significance to yourself (or if you need it), let us know. I, for one, have seriously contemplated getting you that ipod you wanted for Christmas and I’m a poor grad student. Write that book and we’ll all buy it and recommend it to our friends/sex shops/bdsm communities. I owe you more than that though. I’m being inarticulate and rambling.
As a sub, I hate/loathe/despise change and I cannot do justice to the depth of my sadness at potentially losing you. “Thank you” and “wish you and yours the very best” doesn’t seem enough. Your future will always be bright and I feel very lucky to have been a part of your life, however small. You are simply beautiful. It has been a pleasure.
**blinks**
I’m rather shocked at this course of events you n’ Scott are going through. However, I’m here to read the good, bad, vanilla, and kinky. Till we see you again Tess I wish you all the best in this new journey you are entering.
I haven’t been reading these last two years for the smut, or the kink. I’ve been reading because I’m a word junkie. Your literary voice is exceptional and your honesty is epic. Wherever you go, I hope you will leave a trail of breadcrumbs behind for your readers like me, who hope that your voice never falls silent.
Godspeed.
Good luck! Stay positive and most of all, persevere…
s.
the best of luck to the both of you! I hope you find what you are looking for and hopefully it brings the two of you back together!
Dear Tess,
Remember when I said you were made of steel?
I take it back. You’re more like Titanium or that brick my grandmother insists is pineapple caserole. (Minus the burnt bits, that would just make you taste funny.)
You can do this.
Good Luck,
Ally
i read your blog everyday..i admire you..you helped me realize many things about myself..how can i stay i touch with you?
I just want to add to the voices saying I am glad you are staying around to write about your life, wherever it leads you. And that I will still read, and still comment, and still appreciate whatever you have to share.
So glad you wrote and are continuing to blog – I was so worried about you when you just disappeared. Do what’s best for you and yours. There is something new to be forged out of the old, you are no albatross, but a phoenix.
just read your blog, hun.
Words are inadequate – you use that smart-ass, humoureous voice of yours to downplay it, but I can only imagine how tough things are right now. Just, I’m sorry. Just, I feel for you. Just, I hope life brings with it wonderful things and new explorations.
New journies are always a bit frightening … we don’t know what is down THAT path.. what light that is that shines at the end of THAT tunnel. But life IS change .. I’ve blathered on about it more than once … change fucking HURTS (in a not good way a lot of the time)- but ultimately life evolves …
Just thinking of you… hoping your new path brings its delights as well as its heartaches….
be well, kaya.. and don’t do the disappearing thing, pleae, even if it is inoly to keep in touch via email once in a while …
xoxoxoxox
wow, when i first read this, i was shocked. like many others i was checking your blog every day other the weekend thinking what in the heck is wrong with this site? i am glad that you came back…and would be extremely sad to see you go. you are a part of my day and it is selfish of me but i don’t want to lose that little window you provide into your world. i will stay to read whatever you have to say because who you are inside could never really change…and i like that.
Long time lurker, first time poster.
I don’t read many blogs, I’m not even that kinky, and I only agree with your opinions half the time, but I check in here occasionally for your insight and your honesty. It’s rare to find a blogger who is as open, humble, unpretentious, and honest as you. When I saw that your site was down this weekend, I knew it was the end and it saddened me. Sad that not only did I miss the opportunity to post a “thank you/I’ll miss you” comment, but selfishly sad that you didn’t post an explanation or a goodbye. I’m happy to see that the blog is back up and running, and I’ll keep reading as long as you keep writing and being you.
I wish you the best of luck during this new chapter in your life.
I’m sorry babe! I “think” I know what was asked and if I’m correct I am not only happy for your decision but damn proud of you…Love you Tess and please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do…Big hugs!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for letting us know that you’re still alive and in one piece! i don’t comment often, mostly because someone else has said it both first and better, but i figured i’d pass my $0.02 along on this one anyway.
i started out reading for the kink cuz, let’s face it, it’s fun but i stayed for so much more than that. Your writing is all kinds of heartwarming and funny and real which is an impressive accomplishment for anyone blogging. i know we’d love to keep reading here. You should be proud of yourself for that and the fact that, at least on the surface, your kids sound like awesome people and sound like the kids i’d have liked to be friends with in HS.
If you’re confident in your decisions right now then you’ve made the right choices. Those decisions may need revision later and you’ll make the right ones for yourself then.
Good luck with your move and heading back to school. Let us know how it goes! if nothing else i’m guessing a bunch of us are helpful for comiserating about crappy professors or stupid people in general.
~nora
Tess
I’m here for you on your journey no matter what happens.
I’m pleased to have met you in RL as well as gotten to know you through your blogging.
I can only imagine how difficult things must be for you right now. And I hope that things work out in time for whatever purpose they’re meant too.
*huggles*
Ann
none of my business but is your daughter pregnant?
DAM hun,
i kinda thought you were going through a rough patch with him but i thought it was the move maybe,
ARE YOU SURE this is right moving uprooting, aren you just running away from him and your life, sorry to say it but dam i think your wrong for leaving
well be well i realy am in total shock about this
yeah yeah i know this is the hard kind of caring i am saying right now
but have you realy locked at what your leaving behind and i do notmean the pain
Dam just to find someone who give a dam in this world is hard enfough and try loved
well your wrong for leaving everything in life canbe worked out
My first stop everyday when I get home is here. You will be missed by all if you quit, kink or not. You’ve got a lot of people who love you.
Hope it all works out in the best of ways.
Tess…
I cannot believe how many people who have posted here are like me… Not too kinky, not too big on doing a lot of posting, and loving your blog for the writing and just for the sheer joy of getting to hear about your life and your thoughts The kinky pictures you print are always fun, but so are the cat pictures and the dog puke pictures and the snow pictures and I’m sure you get my drift.
Like everyone else, I hope you feel you can keep on blogging, and I hope things go well for you as you move into a new phase of life, and I would dearly love to hear how you do that. As far as I’m concerned, this is the stuff of life, and it’s what makes us real and human and alive.
You and Scott and your family have my very best wishes as you move forward. And, although we have never talked, even online, I would like to say that if there is anything I can do to help, please ask. I truly hope you can work this out and things will begin to go as you would like. But, whatever you feel you have to do, my very best wishes go with you.
I’ve been looking at this entry for a few days now, and I still really don’t know what to say, other than I hope it all works out.
It’s going to be a big change, for sure. But I’m cheering for you the entire way.
Dear Tess,
I also was looking at the computer all weekend and wondering where you went. I’m so very sorry to hear about what has happened and wish you all the very very best in your new life.
I echo everyone else when I say I would be devastated if you stopped blogging. I found you through the kink but I feel in awe of what a strong woman you really are.
If you ever need anything, then you have my email….I really do mean that!
*HUGS*
Coral
xxxxxxx
Another lurker and another who wishes you nothing but the best for the journey ahead. You are loved. You are strong.
i am sitting here crying…for you are hurting.
Moving on is always difficult, remember i know that too well…but in the end we need to do what is right for us, deep down the core of who we are…
we have loss contact, but i’ve always thought of you as a net friend…the way you write touches my soul in so many ways.
I wish you well on your journey you must take now…
sue, aka therese.
Tess,
i’m sure that everyone else has said it all; however, let me say that i hope you stay around. Vanilla or not, your writing is interesting and often touches me somewhere deep inside, especially this particular post.
i know that you will do what feels right for you and yours, and i wish you the very best in this new chapter.
Know as you venture forth that you are a strong and good woman, mother, and you will do well.
Sir’s pet
I don’t quite have enough time to read through everyone else’s comments so my apologies if I’m repeating things you’ve already heard.
For things to live they must change. If your relationship with your husband hadn’t changed, it would have died. That you and your husband are going to be able to keep up any relationship through such a significant change means you’re keeping something very precious alive. All you both have to do with weather and embrace it.
Good luck and enjoy! (You’re an adrenaline junkie anyway if I recall – you’ll be fine
).