My Way or the Highway.
That’s been my attitude lately. I’ve been in a very egoistic, self-righteous place.
In some ways I think Master and my personality types are closely aligned. I’m not a weak person. I may be in physical ways, but not in personality, in expression, presentation. I don’t easily “just take it”, nor do I take it quietly if I am taking it.
I seem to be, often times, at odds with what would be considered a submissive demeanor. It is not at all unusual for me to be standing with my hands on my hips, glaring at him, and demanding that something be done, or undone as the case may be.
No matter how often that approach is squashed – and it is – I still do it.
Because I continue to see myself as a person. A person with my very own set of wants and needs, with my own ideas on how things should be. A strong-willed person who will jump to stand up for myself at the very moment of suspicion that I’m being treated in a manner less than what I deserve.
Taking on the title of slave, does not, in my opinion, mean that I am thusly freed of thoughts and opinions. And sometimes, those thoughts and opinions and wants and needs run amok and wreak havoc upon the calm household Master desires to live in.
If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a thousand times from him. “We’re going to do this MY way, cunt.” I’ve heard it so often that it’s become background noise. I’ve heard it so often that it’s meaningless, ignored, bowled over. Because not only am I strong-willed and forceful, I am also passive-aggressive.
In a most unattractive way. I will get what I want. Eventually. That’s always my approach to things. Manipulate, coerce, twist, push and pull until, somehow, someway, I’ve made it happen.
And then hate it. Hate myself for it. Hate him for it. Hate the world and everything in it.
Master generally meets me head-on when I begin my little power play games. His will is stronger than mine, obviously, and most of the time, He’ll right my path. But not always. Sometimes I get going with all the force and determination of a steam engine, and if it happens to be a time when he’s distracted, or too tired to battle me, he lets me carry on with my bad self. It’s easier, in much the same way that giving in to a screaming 2 yr old is easier. And with much of the same results.
The good thing, the very, very good thing is that in time I’ll despise how I ended up getting what I wanted so much, because it’s at such odds with who I want to be, with the slave that I pride myself in being, that the “victory” is bittersweet. And so I’ll sit there with whatever it may be that I “won”, whatever action or privilege or object, swarming with guilt and misplaced anger.
So if I’m so aware of these doings, why don’t I just stop? Just.. stop it. (Did you all see that youtube clip of Mad TV, with Bob Newhart playing a therapist? Stop it. )
Well, because I haven’t quite let go of all of those previously mentioned wants and needs and thoughts and opinions. I haven’t given up thinking that I know how it should be done. I haven’t embraced and internalized the mantra of “We’re going to do this MY way, cunt.”
I don’t really know how. I can’t isolate what it is that’s keeping me from getting there. I tell myself that nobody knows me better than me, so when it comes to a point where Master is attempting something that I KNOW is not going to work, I speak up and say so. I will tell him, look, this isn’t working… but THIS will. I direct and dictate. All under the guise of “helping” him.
But the thing is, all of that makes whatever I have just dictated not work either. Because once I sense that he’s simply catering to me, the whole house of cards comes tumbling down.
When I really do let it go, let him run the show and let it be HIS way? I can see the contentment and happiness that he feels. All in his world is smooth.
My world on the other hand? Shambles. Chaos. Resentment. Because I still have those needs, needs that aren’t being met. It seems a catch 22.
There have been times when I’ve sat back in such misery that I’ve thought that perhaps we just aren’t suited for each other. He’s much more laid-back, easy, he sees excusing my faults and being lenient with the rules as a gift, an expression of love, something I should be grateful for.
And I don’t. I can’t express how much I see those things as the very opposite of what he intends them to be. They are not gifts, they are not expressions of love, they do NOT make me feel grateful. At all.
They foster resentment, and anger, and a deep burning desire to break every rule made, to throw things, to just… quit. Quit M/s altogether.
Then I think back to how incredibly far we have come as Master and slave, and I tell myself that this is just one more stumbling block on the path. That if we can get this solved, it’s easy street. I’m grateful for being here, for being far enough along that I can recognize and pinpoint these behaviors of mine and strive to fix them.
He is not going to change, I know that already. I can bounce around him and pester him until doomsday and he’s not ever going to accept my “how to Dom kaya” manual.
So why do I keep writing it?
~cunt
ps. I don’t think there will be a daily picture today. I just ain’t feeling it. Sorry.
LikeTags: M/s rambles, reflection
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Thursday November 8th, 2007 3:05pm
*Hugs Kaya* Oh sweetie… its because you’re human. That is why you keep writing it and why you struggle from time to time. You are a great slave, and an amazing woman. But we are human and so we all do this from time to time, sometimes more frequently then at others. Just take comfort in the fact that even though these things happen (to all of us mind you) and we think we are getting what we want, that you have made it this far and you will also get past this hurdle with him as you have so many others.
Thanks kitten. Somedays though, I don’t ever feel like I’m going to get it right. *whine* ;-)
Yanno…
I used to chat with a Dominant I simply adored.
It bothers me a lot that I lost touch with him when I stopped being active in Yahoo groups.
He’s one of very, very few “online” friends from way back when that I miss.
Anyhow…
He used to tell me all the damned time that I’m not a submissive.
That I’m a slave.
I’d fight and argue and grumble cuz, well, we all know I loathe that word as used to describe myself.
I just can’t use it.
Back to the point…
He said this because it was his very firm belief – contrary to what you’ll hear from just about fucking everyone – that a submissive needs to submit but a slave needs to obey. He believed, with all he had, that I was NOT submissive. And that slaves don’t necessarily need to be. They just need to obey.
So…
While I don’t believe he’s right about me (Ok, some days I do and some I don’t) it’s definitely a thought to hold on to.
To think about.
To ease your mind when you don’t feel you’re doing very well at the whole submission thing.
And to remind yourself you don’t have to be the same sort of submissive or slave everyone else is.
I dunno.
I’m babbling, aren’t I?
Actually, I’m beginning to think along those lines. I keep repeating that I am not submissive. I don’t WANT to submit. Submission on it’s own does *nothing* for me.
Obey, though… to exist under structure and rigidity and consequences and rules… that’s a whole ‘nother story.
But I don’t know how to reconcile what it is that I think I need with what it is that He apparently wants/needs. Sometimes I feel like we are both trying to do something that we don’t want.
I just don’t know. Sometimes I feel that’s a cop out too, the whole submissive vs. slave thing. Like there is no validity to trying to highlight a difference.
Bah.
i have one question…
if the M/s were to stop right now, would your marriage remain intact?
i ask that because i know a couple of M/s couples who are married and they have said that if there was no M/s there would be no marriage, so i wondered about your Master and you.
Well, it’s hard to say with absolute certainty because you can never accurately predict these things. But, I want to say that we would, that our marriage would remain intact. I think that we have a pretty strong foundation that exists separately from the M/s.
It’s hard to say though, you know?
It is as though you looked into my brain this morning and wrote what you saw…
Seems like we do that for each other a lot. :-)
M always tells me “If it were easy, anyone could do it.”
Agreed.
But that sucks too…lol
Hi. I always feel like it is a 3 steps forward 2 steps back kind of thing as far as where my HusDom and i are concerned. It can be frustrating as hell, and when things get too bad, I reguarly second guess myself–what the heck i’m doing in this relationship, i don’t fit the mold, etc. *shrug* The rest of the time, even when i don’t fit perfectly into the mold, i still fit better there (and more comfortably, too), than any place else i try to fit in. *smile*
I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks. I really enjoy it.
Same here. For all it’s difficulties, there is nowhere else I’d rather be. :-)
my Master accused me of hacking into Your blog and writing it for You. ;)
We have been discussing *cough* (arguing) about my submissiveness or lack thereof.
We had a rather trivial argument about something i said. He says He heard one thing and i swear i said another. Silly argument, but i know what i said.. DAMNIT!
So i yelled “I know I’m right, I know what i said.”
His point? Does it really matter? Why are You arguing with me? You are NOT being pleasing to me, and for what purpose? That You are “right?” And in this case, what does being “right” accomplish, because arguing is only serving to anger me.
Umm… well… ok… “Sorry Master.”
So i quit arguing… (but i WAS right!!!)
See… so damn hard to be submissive. Want me to submit? Make me!
And that is why i guess i am a slave… i need Him to make me. i will not do it voluntarily with a smile on my face, at least most of the time anyway.
But i do want to be HIS, and i do need Him… so just as You indicated, we are such a contridiction.
Thanks for putting Yourself out there everyday.
kJ
JMbrowneyedgirl
So i quit arguing… (but i WAS right!!!)
God do I know that one! ;-)
Damn…
is there some national activating of the willful slave day going on that i didn’t know about?
Your posts always seem very, very timely for me and i thank you for bringing the topic up.
It does seem that we mimic each other’s cycle don’t it?
Part of surviving intact as ‘differently minded’ (IE not vanilla mentality) requires a certain degree of stubbornness. To be stubborn and cling onto that goal of one day finding a Master, one day being held as tightly as you need be. That takes someone who isn’t going to compromise on life. Easy route…give up go home be Mrs average…..So why is it surprising that this fine honed survival skill has side effects and drifts into our slave life? It’s the natural residue, if you like, of getting this far intact as WHO YOU ARE. If we were all that submissive we would have given in to the social status quo years ago and not said boo to M/s.
I’m going to talk more about this, but i wanted to let you know that I see a LOT of truth in these words. Thank you so so much for saying them.
Thank you kaya. I am going through a bit of a depression personally, but hearing I am not completely wrong headed helps.
What you need is more objectification training.
Your master needs to take you to more “play parties” and have others use you for his pleasure.
You need to be humbled, most stringently.
I know this is only a blog.
I know this is for your master to know what’s going on in your head.
I also know you live to much for others *hugs* *kisses* and the “me too” people that tend to always comment after one of your more negative posts.
You are the most free of any slave, you should be greatful, and stop bratting, topping from the bottom, etc
This may sound harsh, and you may feel I’m a simple internet troll.
I’m not.
Perhaps it is really us readers who take solace that we are not alone. I, for one, look up to Kaya in many ways, and to see that I am not alone in my struggles is extremely liberating. It helps me find the strength I need to identify my issues, and push past them. I find it insulting even as an observer to read the phrase:
“I also know you live to much for others *hugs* *kisses* and the “me too” people that tend to always comment after one of your more negative posts.”
Maybe what she needs is to get it out somewhere. Maybe she needs to write to articulate it best for her Master. Maybe she just feels like posting it on here. Maybe she does it to help others cope, as well. Who knows? Kaya does, and her Master does, and I for one don’t presume to “know” unless they share it with us. But that is beside the point…
I understand that you are just trying to be helpful, but I honestly don’t think any of those reading are in any position to tell her what she “needs” to happen. Different things work for different people. I see where you are coming from, but I honestly just don’t agree. Not that it couldn’t work…but I think that it is better presented as a suggestion as opposed to what she “needs” to do, which comes across a little too much like an order.
~Erlina
Though your opinion is as legitimate as any here, and kaya is most gracious about accepting most of them, it simply isn’t up to you. Her Master doesn’t “need” to do any of those things if he does not wish to or does not view them as necessary. It is completely up to them to come to the desired balance in their relationship, regardless of anything any of us say. Try a little less pompous-know-it-all-dictator and a little more suggestion-of-what-works- for-you. Kaya is not yours to Dom.
I also find it disturbing that upon clicking on “Cheap Ass Dom” a catalog for leather goods came up. Nope, you are not a “simple” internet troll, just an opportunistic, dishonest one.
Saw this and thought of you.
http://www.stockroom.com/Chrome-Mini-Clothespin-P593.aspx
Ha! Those are cute! I bet they hurt too. The cute stuff always does. :/
“I also find it disturbing that upon clicking on “Cheap Ass Dom” a catalog for leather goods came up. Nope, you are not a “simple” internet troll, just an opportunistic, dishonest one.”
That happened because my browser “auto-filled” that part in.
I had used that to let the – know where they could find good inexpensive leather, I had commented on her posting about her thinking her master needed some leather because all the doms at the play party had leather “head to toe.” I also know the – are frugal, as am I. Sorry to have mislead you, I have no affiliation with Jamin Leather at all. So opportunistic I am not, and I would love for you to point out anywhere I’ve been the least bit dishonest.
As far as the rest of you, I have no ill feelings for the -, or any of you, I merely did as all of you did, and posted a comment. If I like not your comment I merely skip to the next one, I have found some comments on here less than thoughtful, but feel no need to lash out or call names.
- and – are grown, mature adults, if they had such thin skin as to not want comments except for the sweet nice candy coated ones, I’m sure they would still be on LJ and make it “friends only” or make this one password protected.
My intention wasn’t to offend, I maybe gruff, and blunt, but that’s just me.
Sometimes phrasing matters, whether we like it or not. I think what bothered people was that you presented your suggestion as though it were an order. When you have to actually disclaim yourself from being an internet troll, then that is a good time to look back at what you said and speak in an appropriate way. Do you need to sugar coat things? Hell no. But should you be respectful? Absolutely.
You are right on several points. For one, we don’t only want the sugar coated comments or we would lock the posts. Two, some of the things that you mentioned, I absolutely DO need to do. I need to stop bratting, stop trying to top from the bottom, etc. I can’t argue with any of that.
However, the fact that you used names (that I have since edited out) gives me suspect to your intent. It’s just bad form, in my opinion, to give information like that out if you haven’t previously gotten our permission to do so. Privacy you know? Now perhaps we were careless in letting information like that slip out somewhere, yet you taking it and using it so liberally was inconsiderate to us.
That aside, I also think some of your phrasing could have been phrased differently. You saying what it is that Master “needs” to do to me is presumptuous, don’t you think? Not only am I trying to “top” him, so too, are you. Not either of our places, correct? Unless of course you would like to talk privately with Master and compare techniques or something. But I can tell you that Master doesn’t take any more kindly to strangers telling him what he needs to do than he takes to me doing it. ;-)
I do recall the link to the leather store so that certainly was not of any suspicion to me. I appreciate the link in fact. Thank you again for that.
I didnt see anything wrong with Cheap Ass Dom’s comment. Why wouldn’t kaya want a straight answer/comment over the fluffy ones? She openly admits coddling doesn’t do it for her and this guy was honest and straightforward. He wasn’t domming her or dictating to her Master he was just saying how he saw it. Guess this puts me in the to be vilified category also. shrugs.