Money Money Money
Which requires more mad skillz of authoritay:
A) You restrict all access to money. She has none and is allowed none. Plop her in her favorite shopping spot and know that nothing will come home with her.
B) You give her easy access to all monies. Credit/debit cards, checkbooks, the works. Plop her in her favorite shopping spot without permission to buy a single item. And know that nothing will come home with her.
(Though I use “she” as it pertains to my situation, I certainly am not excluding my male counterparts. Substitute your gender of choice.)
EDIT: My Answer:
We’ve done it both ways. We started out as A, and are now currently at B.
Though I lean more towards B as indicative of power, I strongly see the appeal of A for control.
I’d thought A took a tremendous amount of giving into vulnerability, of humility and dependency. I both loved it and hated it. When it pertained entirely to ME, I could have probably lived happily within its grasp forever. It wasn’t just the inability to buy the trinkets I wanted, it was having everything I had be at his whim and mercy. From tampons to food. It was reconciling doing without because he chose it. It was losing pride by having to request that the most basic of needs be met.
The only problem with it, for me, was how much that bled over onto the kids. While the kids, by nature of being kids and not financially independent are also at the whim and mercy of our decisions regarding purchases, what we learned was that I needed to have some say in the mercy-n-whim department. That began to necessitate my having some access to monies.
So, we morphed into B. Wherein I am allowed some freedoms regarding them, but still remain at his mercy regarding my own self.
Also, one ‘use’ he decided to make of me was putting me in charge of bill paying, errand running, banking, utility company dealings, etc., etc. That necessitated that I go from being handed some cash to “spoil the kids today” to being put on accounts, getting my own cards, and calling companies to add me as a voice of authority.
At first, I resented it. I guess, for me, one of the appeals of being a slave was freedom from being authoritative. Didn’t want it. No thanks; not what I signed up for, Dude!
But, I guess bottom line is that I signed up to be HIS, in whatever manner being his becomes.
I’ve reconciled with it these days. In some ways, I appreciate the trust and responsibility that comes with having equal access, while mostly enjoying the imbalance of not having equal say.
Occasionally, it does lead to a power struggle of sorts, though. Sometimes, I think that him assigning me the role of financial keeper equates to financial adviser, that my opinion on how things should be done should at least carry equal weight in the decision making process.
It does not.
And, honestly, that at times frustrates me beyond comprehension. Especially when I know think I have a smarter plan.
Too, being able to, and allowed to, shop independently carries its own frustrations. While I appreciate that he enjoys having me be his minion and sitting home and relaxing while I run around for him, having to run every single purchase by him is… Oh I don’t know. Not irritating so much as time-consuming. Or.. I’m not sure what. Irritating I guess..lol
Take yesterday, for instance. I was out getting some groceries. I’d originally asked to pick up a few certain items. He was at work, where communication can be spotty. I’d gotten permission for said items and toddled off. As I was driving there, a whole slew of needed items began to crop up in my memory. Toothpaste, bread, might as well get milk since we were down to a 1/2 gallon- and I figured that walking through the store and seeing other things would remind me of what else we needed.
If I could not get a hold of him at work, I’d have to forgo buying what I know we need. Beings that we’re about a 60 mile roundtrip from town, that sucks ass.
I can’t tell you how much time I spend either calling him in the middle of an aisle or texting him from the store and waiting for a reply.
And yet, would I want it any other way??
At the time, probably. As an immediate alleviation, yes.
But overall, if there isn’t control (which, at times, amounts to frustration, waiting, denial, inconvenience, and having to acquiesce to a “lesser” plan) then I’d be unhappier in the long run and in the bigger picture.
Well, I suspect I’ve tangled that all up because I just started rambling uncontrollably. Heh. I do that.
Thanks for answering, all of you who did!
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday July 27th, 2010 4:25am
When he applies B), it works for me, but A) doesn’t. When he restricted my access to money, I always found a way to buy the things I wanted. Or I whined endlessly and pouted. I was obsessed with trying to find ways to get things I thought I needed. It was a constant point of contention. Now, I get an allowance that I may or may not get to spend. I am put “in charge” of the budget and make sure bills are paid and I have access to the household money all the time but he still says how it’s spent. In my brain, having access to money even if I can’t spend it shuts off the part of me that would disobey when it comes to the green stuff.
It’s all a head trip because either way, I’m coming home with nothing if he says that’s the way it is.
Lils
[rq=589323,0,blog][/rq]Girl Fight
That’s an easy one for me. I say Option B, because if she has access to everything, than she would know not to spend anything without previously asking him permission to do so. (This is how I see it. Just my perspective) :-)
[rq=589977,0,blog][/rq]I want
I think option B… it would demonstrate to both of us how truly I am enslaved. But then of course shopping is not really one of my weak spots.
Now if it was A. take away internet or B. have internet with rule that I cannot get on?… argghhhh… then option A. because I don’t think I could do it without external limits.
[rq=584747,0,blog][/rq]Ten miles and 1-542 words
Ooh! Good example!
hmmm…that sounds more like “how do you want your spinach…creamed or plain?”
i’d call that a win-win for the Top. (and an exercise in frustration for the she!!)
btw. i was reminded today via sin (findingmysubmission) that i owe you a huge thank you, kaya.
Thanks to you, i’ve found a great many blog friends, a pair of Doms, a shared sub, and the courage to begin my own blog.
You paved a path for me, and i owe you big time. Not takin’ you shoppin’ tho…
nilla
[rq=591923,0,blog][/rq]Ladies
love this question!!
i’m with nilla on this one…kind of a ‘win win’ no matter which way it goes.
personally i lean more to option B though. i tend to appreciate the more obvious control of B versus the subtle control of A.
storm
B~~~~. That’s like dangling someone’s favorite candy in front of their face, but they aren’t allowed to look at it. As opposed to not having candy in the house.
[rq=593212,0,blog][/rq]We wear black so the blood doesnt show
I’m learning towards A because while telling somebody not to buy something and knowing they won’t does require authority…I think it takes even more to tell somebody they will no longer have access to money- ever. That is a much bigger commitment,a much larger risk than just knowing that you might be told “no shopping” so would hopefully be undertaken with some serious consideration…and so the skills of authority needed to make that seem safe and right and good….might be more.
I suppose Option B, although the Captain prefers Option C: give her control of all the budgeting and money so that you don’t have to deal with it… and know that she’ll ask you before she buys herself anything anyhow.
[rq=594598,0,blog][/rq]Withdrawals
Hmmm. Option B. To me it seems as if there’s a more mental aspect for the person dropped off at the mall. The authority is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE, you know?
Okay, inside the head, but, yeah.
[rq=598456,0,blog][/rq]See also- On the Notion of Consent and Personal Responsibility
B…i have pretty good financial dicipline but without acess to any…i would have panic attacks (little bit of an abandonment complex)
Re: The edit
The Captain’s preference is to not have to think about or deal with money at all. I’m responsible for the financial bitchwork of household budgeting, errand running, bill paying, etc. I’m also responsible for investing, savings, managing, blah blah blah. The Captain only wants to think about money in the context of “I need gas money. Gimme” or similar.
Despite all that, he knows I’m going to ask before I buy myself anything.
It’s a funny world.
[rq=605136,0,blog][/rq]Withdrawals
I’m way late and catching up on posts but wanted to say that when I first began an M/s relationship I envisioned A as “the way” but have come to see B is much more likely and realistic.
[rq=647676,0,blog][/rq]After Travel Shaving HNT