I am a writer and can’t stand it when people use those shortcuts. I’ve never gotten to a point of considering a relationship with someone who types like that because I can’t keep communicating with them. Hehehe. I don’t need a man to be more responsible than me or more mature than me, but I do need him to be as responsible and as mature as me … or pretty close. Self confidence and common sense are important to me. And I have a relationship like that now.
If you can’t pay your bills to the point your utilities get cut off, I’m not interested. Why would I want to live in a situation like that? (I happen to like running water and lights that come on when you flip the switch.)
But, I always say, whatever floats your boat. If someone wants a dominant who is an immature freeloader, more power to them. I just think it would get pretty old pretty damn fast …

i agree that the dom needs to be more stable than the submissive, if stability is not equal. maybe it’s NOT fair, but i don’t much care. if i’m the one holding the relationship together by its bare threads, then i can’t possibly be the one doing the submitting.

i don’t think standards can be too high, but i think they can be too unreasonable. i think there’s a line between saying “i want my dom to be financially secure” and “i want my dom to be a millionnaire.” or “i want my dom to have a stable place to live” and “i want my dom to live at the playboy mansion.”

that said, those are kind of my standards– i wanted a mate who had his shit together. a stable job, a place to live, could take care of himself without expecting handouts from friends/family. someone to whom i was physically attracted, with compatible kinks.

Can standards be too high? i don’t think so. it is all personal preference anyway. for me, my biggest thing is not settling for someone just because i want to be with someone. i have seen that so many times and it makes me really sad. my sister is that way, being with a guy who puts her down all the time, never takes her places, and begrudgingly let her stay at his house with him, and only after 2 years letting her move any of her stuff into his house. it just makes me sick. so my standards, well i want someone who has a good job and has a dominant personality. of course i would have to be attracted to him and a sense of humor would be great. i do agree with you kaya that a Dominant should be stable, i know i want my dominant to be. yes i am waiting to find someone, but then again i am still learning about me and i know that if i would have found someone two years ago, he would have been all wrong for me. that makes patience seem like such a good idea, lol.

I think that in that case, if someone did date him their standards would be much too low. It’s alright to have high standards because nobody really wants to just settle with someone. It’s one thing if they have a few flaws that irk you, and it’s silly to not date someone because they’re not perfect (no one is) and therefore it’s their own issue for having standards too high to realize they’re living in a fantasy world where it’s okay for someone to have a few flaws.

It’s quite another case to ignore all your wants and needs when it comes to having a mate and picking someone based on availabilty. Yes, it’s great that you’re open enough to enjoy being with someone else who isn’t perfect, but on the other hand you have to wonder just what they could possibly see in one another if they don’t realistically match.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to not settle, to have high standards (which is much better than low standards in my opinion) but it’s unrealistic to expect the perfect someone in EVERY aspect that you wish to find in a mate. I rather find someone who fits with most of my standards, and they still have a few flaws because not only would I feel horribly pressured to be perfect if I had a perfect mate, but it’s just. So fairy-tale and not really happening. No one will ever fit your mental image of the perfect someone just for you, but often many can be sort of almost there and I think it’s important to recognize all the good traits they carry, as well as some that you wish they didn’t have.

I also believe that some standard traits are non-neogotiable. I don’t want to be with somebody who isn’t finacially sound, responsible, emotionally unavailable, along with loads of others. Some standards are there for a reason and are established for a reason, because they’re the only traits that fit with your life style and expectations of life.

When it comes to the case of a Dom, I think it’s important that the Dom have many of the traits a Sub looks for aside from just being a Dom because they could be the worst asshole ever, and it wouldn’t be a soundly built relationship due to one or both lowering the standards and something like that (often) ends in break ups. Plus, I agree (which I think is somewhat your point) that the Dom should be much more stable then the Sub because if a Dom isn’t in control of their own life, how can they control someone elses? The simple answer is this: they can’t - and if they “can”, they can’t do it well until they get themselves sorted out.

Wow this was long, sorry! I could keep going but I’ll stop and spare you my rambling

Can standards be too high?
Hell yes. If you’re setting standards for someone else that are far above and beyond your standards for yourself.

I am a grammar nazi, and that 2b4u stuff drives me INSANE. I’m actually snobby enough that I’ll stop talking to someone if they’re using that crap. If you’re too lazy to even type out two- and three-letter words, I don’t want to stick around and find out where else that laziness oozes.

As for standards - hell yeah I have high ones. And I agree with you that it is more important that the dominant be stable than the submissive. (That doesn’t mean I think that she should be a trainwreck, and a submissive living like the guy you described above is no more attractive than he is.) I am not judgmental of folks’ financial situation unless it reaches a point where I start to feel like I could wind up responsible for this person.

I think that if your going to give someone total control over your life then they should have theirs together first. They should be mature enough to know what they are getting in to and that being in this kind of relationship is not all about kinky sex. I don’t think a sub/slave can set her standards too high when looking for someone to own her mind, body and soul. Maybe if she were holding out for the elusive millionare with his own private jet and private island, but other than that, expecting someone to be able to communicate in an adult way, hold down a job, have a driver’s license, or their own place to live is just common sense. Why would anyone give themselves over to a dumbass, wanna be, who’s only in it for the kinky shit and could care less about developing her as a person or a sub/slave? I’m thanking God right now that I’m already owned by a wonderful man and not having to weed through losers to find someone that understands that this is not a game.

Rose

LOL- that dom you describe sounds like my ex-husband. That’s just scary.

Oooh, kaya I’m going to blog about this soon Awesome fodder for a post of my own.

BTW: I prefer that the Dom is the stable one too, and I’ll talk about it more when I get to writing it.

If my Master wasn’t the stable one in the relationship, we’d have some serious problems!

I assume that if you are going to be “the one in charge,” you have to be emotionally mature and stable. If you’ve got that, you don’t need career/financial stability or superior age or height or whatever.

Happily, my Master has all of the above! I know, as a slave, I value all of the above very highly in him!

Kaya hun

as much as ilike your blog and some of you view points you getting on my Last nerve.
YOUR BLOG DISAPPEARS FOR A WEEK OR SO canty even get old info then you back a day latter than you say you will be
then you promise to post the next day which turns into 4 days and you call this man childish have you looked in the mirror latley at your own behavior

why not conside he has never had someone teach him these thing or that maybe he is ADAHD do you eveen have a clue to what that means i have a good friend that has tha and if she is not on medication she can not function at all but when on it she is better than most but instead you comendem someon without knowing and you faults are just as big you just a sub , slave or whatever you have decide to call your self today case with you it changes daily
GROW THE FUCK UP
btw i am deslixic and that efects my manual spelling and typing and writting not just reading .
also i am so sick of you behavior that i am emailuing you Master about it maybe he can get you to act like an adlut
OMG YOUR A MOTHER
do you think you children will not copy your behavior and atidues HUN I HAVE GOT NEWS FOR YOU THEY WILL EVEN WHEN YOU THINK THEY DONT NOTICE get a grip just because you got ur period and you bored dose not give you the right to be a child
maybe your master should leave another master with you every time he has to leave that will nail you on every peice of childish shit you ty to pull

On the flipside, my Master was impressed in our first chat that I spelled out the word ‘television’ instead of typing tv. lol.

But yes, I hate, HATE people who abbreviate words like that, and I agree it sounds childish.

To me, it’s a given my Owner would have his shit together. I think it’s mainly because my standards are so high, it took me nine years to find an Owner.

As to the boredom thing, I worked from 7a to 7:30p tonight

Can standards be too high?

YES! I had the hugest crush on this guy in highschool…and you know why he didn’t date me? Because my fingernails were too short.
My crush on him ended there.

Clearly if you are literally putting your life into someone’s hands your standards should be high. If you are meant to physically and psychologically have the “upper hand” then you should hold yourself to an even more rigid set of standards. Like before when you posted the question about a Dom/me who punishes a sub for a mistake and then makes the same mistake themselves…. Should they care about that or not. To me, yes, they SHOULD. They should be at least as together as the sub and they should retain the appearance of near-impeccability.

As for the sub not being a trainwreck… well, that’s a whole other blog, but I think that there is something more intrinsically valuable about having a very strong-minded, healthy, independent, opinionated and willful person obey you than someone who is more akin to a cowering puppy who knows nothing else but fear and loss of control.

Having someone who is totally in control of their life and emotional stability relinquish the reins must be one of the highest compliment in the world.

I tried that whole “Sir” thing, but I just kinda sound like Marcie from “Peanuts”.

*sigh*

still waiting for someone to bring it out in me…………..

I wouldn’t date someone like that in a Vanilla relationship let alone in a kink one! which comes with a brand new set of responsibilities and issues.

I’d say it is more generic than that. You need a dom(me) you can respect. So, find a female sub more screwed up than this guy and I guess you have a match made in heaven. It’s not the job/car/money/responsibility it’s jus that the sub can look up and respect the dom(me). But, I’d hate to cme across the female who would look up to that.

i dont think one can be too selective when looking for a poteintal dom.

i agree that the dom has to be a little more stable than the subbie. It is their job to be in control and if they dont have control of their own life how can they keep a leash on anothers?

You are of course correct.

How can anyone take care of another human being - let alone little human beings! - unless they are in control of their own life and are happy with what they do?

Unless you are going to pay for your cheap thrills, you ask someone to join you in your life and be part of it but if you have nothing to offer in terms of self respect let alone stability why should anyone else even think about letting you try and run their life?

Keep up the site - its good!

Fifer.

Hi Kaya,

1) You have some truly bizarre readers, sweetpea. : ) Mostly great ones, though, to be fair.

2) Your post about being home without the kids - OMG I think we’re twins!

3) The online dom you wrote about is obviously a pathetic, immature twit and would be no good in any (healthy) relationship, vanilla or kinky. But as to the wider question of being too selective. There is research that shows that we tend to hook up with someone at the same level of emotional maturity/health as ourself. To me, that’s a bigger issue than what kind of job the person might have or where they are in the rest of their life, etc.

xoAmy

He has to be able to build a fire. Literally. For some reason that always was some kind of litmus test for me of a man’s masculinity. I guess I’m a cavewoman at heart.

Kaya,

I think the song lyrics go, “You can’t even run your own life, I’ll be damned if you’ll run mine.”

I think standards can be set too high, but too high is unreachable, not top 1%.

Dave

worthless is worthless, no matter what it might call itself…if you are worthless, no one else but worthless is going to want to be with you.

Personally I never donate money to anyone who asks… as it is I have to be careful what I spend!

I could not ever be submissive to someone who talked in text lingo all the time. I hate even doing it myself and now that I have the EnV2 phone I usually don’t abbreviate. Bad grammar annoys me. I can handle typos or honest spelling mistakes, but someone who says things like “Me and him” … can’t do it.

But one with no job, no home and no seeming ambition. Yeah that’s not a Dom that’s someone who wants someone to support him. If he’s too lazy to take care of himself how is he supposed to take care of a submissive? Being a Dom/me is not easy. I wouldn’t want to do it